I recall the time I'd been in love, and there's nothing but harsh memories of it. When love has been cruel to you, you lose the understanding of it and drift away from the fact that love works both ways. I gave so much of myself away that it is suffocating to start having feelings again, just to be disappointed.
With Thomas, I feel like I can do anything, and he makes me feel confident in my skin. Maybe that is the reason why I first had a crush on him, but I eventually gave up, knowing how work-oriented he is. Maybe, a part of me hoped he'd loved me from the start, but his distant nature has kept me away from him.
A fleeting feeling? I'm not sure what it is. I used to have a crush on him, and I moved on. But now, with all that he's said and done, I cannot seem to shake off this feeling in my chest. It feels heavy. Perhaps it's simply an attraction to someone kinder to you compared to others.
Maybe it's because he gives me the care I've craved for so long. When something's missing from your life, even a glimmer of hope will give you a false sense of belonging. If only I didn't feel this way. If only I didn't feel like a burden to everyone else. If only I could believe someone could love me or even like me, I wouldn't feel this way.
I can feel him trying to get closer to me ever since that night, and I can't help but push him away. He brings me coffee every morning, asks if I'm okay, and all I do is stare at him with nothingness in my eyes and nod like a doll. He must be confused by my sudden change in personality, but I have to remain calm and collected.
Overnight, I felt so many emotions, so heavy emotions. The moment I felt seen, I had to hide myself again. I let him know too much about myself. I showed him an ounce of my true self, and it's the most pathetic thing I've ever done. I could tell he saw it in my eyes how I begged to be loved, to be looked after, and I cannot accept it if he feels obliged to be there for me. I wouldn't be able to breathe.
My heart breaks when he looks at me with questions in his head, but I do nothing but look away as he brushes off his restlessness to my indifference. A few days go by as we pretend to be in a stranger's skin. Then the day of the office picnic comes, and I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve as I cannot avoid him there.
"Ivy, are you going to be drinking?" one of my colleagues asks me. Dia, from HR, is a nice girl who is always ready to socialise and talk to people, making them feel comfortable. I envy her in that case.
"Yes, probably. But, I'm not sure since it's an office picnic and I have to make sure everyone gets home safe." I say as I proceed to look out the bus window. There's nothing but trees and sidewalks.
"I see. Well, let's all try to enjoy. You can take a break from supervising. Just relax."
I smile and say nothing. Just nod along to her friendly remark.
Thomas is sitting in the front seat with awkwardness in the air. I wonder why he comes to these things when he's so uncomfortable around people. But who am I to judge? I'm doing the same thing. They're playing music and singing along. Everyone's so excitedly dancing and clapping, enjoying the retreat.
At some point, Dia gets out of her seat to join the others. I feel like it's because I'm no fun. She probably felt awkward around me. Surprisingly, as she was dancing, she managed to pull Thomas out of his seat and made him dance. She's truly a social butterfly to make the grumpy boss dance along with her. He's standing right in front of me and is clapping and pretending to get along with everyone. I just look at his back with a certain yearning in my heart to hug him. I stare at him having fun, and feel a smile growing on my face.
Suddenly, the bus makes a sharp turn, and Thomas falls back toward my seat. I catch him and ask if he is okay. He nods at me and looks at me from the side, and I hesitate to let go of him. He pulls himself up, catching the top of the seat and sits straight. He smells incredible, and I'm just lost in the thoughts of the warm feeling that fell upon me. His soft sweater was in my hands, and the strong grip I had on his toned body right before he pulled himself up.
Everyone starts hooting and blowing whistles, trying to tease us, but we ignore them. He asks if I was okay, and for a moment, I zone out, looking at his pretty face.
"Y-yeah. I'm fine."
"Okay. Cool." There's a brief pause, and we both start smiling. The crowd loses interest very quickly and goes back to having their fun.
"Don't overdo it," I say with a straight face.
"What?" He looks surprised.
"I mean, you don't have to overdo socialising if you're not comfortable with it. I know you're not the type to sing and dance with a crowd. So, just sit back. It's okay." I put my hand over his.
"Okay." He holds my hand with assurance in his eyes. "Thank you for knowing me."
"Of course I would. It's been more than 5 years." I hold his hand tighter and smile at him.
He has a soft laugh. "It has, hasn't it?"
"Yeah, time flies, I guess." We share a laugh, and then there's silence again. I can feel the questions and confusion in his head. All these days that I've ignored him must've been confusing. He caresses the top of my hand as he proceeds to look at my fingers.
"Ivy, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable that day. It's just I couldn't see you in pain." He doesn't look at me. I have to say something.
"No, no, Tommy. I'm the one who's sorry. It's just that I have issues and-" The bus comes to a stop, and we let go of each other. He nods at me, indicating we'll talk about it later. I nod back disappointingly.
We get off the bus, and the picnic spot's a hill in the outskirts of the valley. There's a temple nearby, and we walk towards the forest-like destination. There's a trekking trail nearby where we planned to hike after we set up the tent.
After a while, everyone starts unpacking their food, and there's group division. Each group has their own drinking games and plan, and they keep trying to involve me and Thomas, but we just avoid drinking as we're responsible for the trip. There's chaos everywhere, and some are dancing, and some are having fun conversations. The office couple is nowhere to be seen, so we assumed they went on the trek alone.
I sit alongside Dia and pretend to be a part of their fun group activities. Somehow, she convinced me to drink. But my eyes are still wandering around Thomas, who's also given up and is drinking with another group. He has a high tolerance, so it shouldn't matter. Dia suddenly gets up and gathers everyone for a dance.
They start with party songs and traditional music. Even though Thomas and I both joined them, we're far apart and looking for each other. At least I am looking for him. But he's nowhere to be seen. While I pretend to have fun, I start to feel my heart being lighter and real joy in my face. Is this what being around happy people does to you?
I dreaded being here, but I can actually feel myself giving in to just having fun without a care in the world. Dia comes to me and holds my hands as we sing along to an old song, screaming our hearts out.
"See? It's fun, isn't it?" She has an awful and freeing smile on her face.
"I agree." Dia just smiles in satisfaction as if she accomplished breaking my wall and walks away to approach the others as well.
I calm down and feel dehydrated. So, I walk back toward the bench to sit down and catch my breath. My face is hot and red from all the dancing.
"Have some water." I feel a cold water bottle against my cheek. Thomas hands me the bottle and sits beside me. I drink it all in one go.
"Where the hell have you been?" I smack him in the arms gently.
"Just here and there. You know, trying not to overdo it."
"Haha. Alrighty, mister."
"Catch your breath, and I'll take you somewhere."
"Hm? Where?"
"Just relax first. I saw you dancing. I'm glad you're having fun. Nice moves." He winks at me with a smug smile on his face. I roll my eyes.
"Yeah. I was born a dancer." We share a laugh. I take a deep sigh, "Alright, let's go. I'm all relaxed. Actually, I feel more energy today for some reason."
"Must be the alcohol."
"Could be. But come on, let's just go. We need to finish our conversation, too."
"Yes, ma'am." He offers his hand as he gets up. I take it without a second thought. Holding his hand has somehow become natural to me.
He takes me toward the trekking path, and we walk with our hands intertwined, leaving behind the crowd's noise. My hands are cold and his are burning. I say I'm cold and put our intertwined hands in my jacket. He smiles and goes along with it. The sun starts setting, and I tell him it's time for ghosts to appear.
"Ghosts don't exist," he scoffs.
"Well, you never know." I blow in his ear, and he gets goosebumps. I think to myself, "Cute."
All the way, we talk about nothing and tease each other. He says I have too little stamina, and I kick him as he says I'm being childish again. We laugh and giggle about nothing, avoiding any real feelings we might have. We're holding hands like an old married couple on a hike, but we have no label on this relationship. I have this question in my head, and I'm too afraid to ask him. So does he, I assume. But we don't talk about it until we reach the top. We can see all of the Valley from here, the city lights, and I'm reminded of that night of bliss.
As naturally as we held hands, I looked at him, and he looked back at me with softness I've never experienced before. "Ivy- I-"
I kiss him. It somehow came naturally to me. As if it isn't something we haven't done before. As if we were always meant to be here in this moment. But I quickly snap out of it.
"Um- Tom- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I wasn't thinking. I-" I start to spiral. And he has a shocked look on his face, but he calms down and cups my face to kiss me properly.
My hands are clutching the back of his sweater, and at some point, I lose balance. But he catches me by my waist quickly, and we're both smiling through the kiss as if a wish came true. We're both breathless, and he smells so incredibly good I'm having a euphoric moment.
He cups my face again and puts his forehead against mine as we both struggle to catch our breath. "Ivy- haaa, I've dreamt of this moment for so long- haa,"
"Me-too, Tommy. Haa- I need to talk to you."
"It's okay, my love. You don't have to say anything." He hugs me tightly, and I close my eyes, feeling every ounce of his warmth. We head back toward the picnic with both our faces flushed. The trail somehow looks harder to climb down. He keeps leading the way and holding my hand over every stepping stone.
"Wait, wait." In the rush, I start to trip.
"Are you okay?" He's as flushed as me but he somehow manages to put himself together. I shake my head no as I croutch down.
"My heart feels like it's going to burst out of my chest." I let out a cry.
"Here, feel mine." He takes my hand to put on his chest, and I can feel his heart beating as fast as mine. I look at him and feel his ears; they're burning. I kiss him and quickly get up.
"Come on, let's go. We're going back home now. You're coming to my place. Time to wrap up this picnic."
He laughs at my sudden ambition and says Okay. I pull him by his hand as I lead the way. As we get closer to the spot, we see ambulance lights. Someone's hurt.