The pressure of the exams was already pressing down on us and the teachers continuously reminded us to study hard since every day counts.
My mind wasn't always on my books since all I could think about were my feelings towards Kyle.
I thought endlessly about how I was going to approach him—if I was going to approach him.
Does he even like men? Would he even like me?
He usually studied with Gael in the library after the afternoon classes.
This was part of the reason I went there every day.
"These days you don't come to play football with me. You are really becoming a bookworm. You are always in the library." Jack complained one night while we were getting ready for bed.
"I just want to do well," I replied cautiously.
Even though Jack was my best friend I could not bring myself tell him that I liked men—or worse that I liked Kyle.
I didn't know how he would react when he found out or how he'd think of me. I just didn't want our friendship to change.
One Thursday after the afternoon classes, I went to the library as usual and sat on a table far away from Kyle, who was engrossed in a book, but I made sure I could still see him in the space between the shelves.
The library was quiet, the atmosphere heavy and lazy after hours of studying, it wasn't packed because most students preferred to play football in the field.
However, the students who were there looked so fed up and ready to be done with high school.
The school had really invested in our library. The floors had white tiles with floral patterns and were mopped every day.
It had large windows that were ceiling high with white crispy curtains at each side. This allowed sunlight to flood in, filling every corner with light.
Most of the books that lined the white shelves were new, they were donated by the governor —whose son was a student in the school last year.
I glanced at Kyle and he was pushing his hair back as he studied and I couldn't help but notice that he bit the nail of his thumb and furrowed his eyebrows while deep in thought.
I couldn't look away. I was drawn in.
Suddenly, he looked towards me as if he remembered something, stood up and started walking between the shelves towards where I was seated.
I felt my face start heating up and my heart began to race as I watched him come closer from the corner of my eye as if I hadn't been looking at him the whole time.
"You left this book in the library," he said as he handed me my English textbook that I thought I had lost.
Where did he even get my book?
I took it shyly, mumbling a thank you.
He mumbled an inaudible response before turning and going back to his seat next to Gael.
A wave of jealousy hit me because Gael got to see the sides of Kyle that I couldn't, since he was the only one Kyle ever really talked to. I could only imagine.
I continued reading, sneaking a glance towards Kyle every chance I got.
I couldn't go on like this, my feelings were growing and it was becoming very hard to contain.
As weeks went by, I would find myself daydreaming about him in class. He caught me looking at him more times than I can remember.
I really tried to hide it but it was becoming really obvious especially to Jack who also caught me staring at Kyle in more than one occasion.
" Is there something I should know?" Jack once asked me as he nudged me with his elbow when he caught me daydreaming.
I did want to open up to him but I dreaded his reaction.
What if he stops talking to me?
I couldn't bear the thought of this.
I can't tell him. Not yet.
I know as friends we weren't supposed to hide things from each other but I needed to hear his views before telling him anything.
I loathed myself for not being open with Jack but I also wasn't doing a really good job at hiding it, this is why he was getting suspicious. I could tell.
"No, not really. Why do you ask?" I replied keeping my composure.
"Never mind," he shrugged looking from me to Kyle and I realized I needed to do a better job at hiding my feelings.
As soon as the 4 O'clock bell rang, I let out a sigh of relief and hurriedly packed my bag and left for the dorms despite Jack begging me to go play football with him and his other friends.
I just wanted to be alone in my room and gather my thoughts. Maybe also try to find a way to put an end to my feelings towards Kyle because if people started noticing it would be bad.
Sitting on my bed, I took out my diary and started writing my plan.
How to stop having feelings for Kyle
1. Stop staring at him in class.
2. Do not go to the library.
3. Stop thinking about him.
4. Basically....be normal.
As I tapped my pen on my chin as I looked down at my diary thinking of other things to add, there was a knock on the door.
Absentmindedly, I dragged myself out of bed and went to open the door.