It was December 31st, the cusp of a new year, a fresh start. But for me, it was the day my world irrevocably shattered.
I learned that Jo, my Jo, had cancer. And she only had four months to live.
The news came like a punch to the gut, delivered by Ryan, of all people. I dismissed it instantly. It had to be a cruel joke. But then Ryan revealed he was Jo's cousin, and the color drained from my face as the horrifying truth sunk in.
I was devastated. My friends, Ryan and Jemiel, held me as I wept, a raw, primal scream against the unfairness of it all. But I knew I couldn't crumble. Not now. Jo needed me to be strong. I had to understand why she kept this from me.
…
"Jo, why didn't you tell me? Why?" The words tumbled out, laced with a pain I couldn't contain. My voice cracked with a raw emotion I'd never allowed myself to show.
"I… I didn't want to deceive you. I just wanted to experience love before… before," her voice trembled, the first crack in her usually composed facade. In all our time together, I'd never seen her so vulnerable.
"So you just used me?" The question was a bitter poison, but I couldn't stop myself from asking.
"No, no, no!" she cried, her denial desperate. But the hurt had taken root, and I couldn't reason.
"Then why were you never truly happy with me?" The question hung in the air, the most important, most terrifying question I'd ever asked.
"Because… because what if I just disappear after you get used to being with me…" She couldn't even finish the sentence before I pulled her into a tight embrace, burying my face in her hair.
"I don't care if you used me, I don't care if you don't even like me. Please, just let me stay by your side until…" My voice was firm, my heart resolute. I knew our future was a shattered dream, but I desperately wanted to hold onto the present, to etch every moment with her into my memory.
A sob escaped her lips, and she clung to me, her body shaking. "U u wah…"
"Hey, Jo, are you alright?" I awkwardly patted her back, unsure how to comfort her. "There, there, just let it out." I held her as she wept, the sound of her sorrow tearing at my soul. That night, she cried herself to sleep in my arms.
…
I woke the next morning to an empty space beside me. A note lay on the pillow, the handwriting undeniably hers, a little too neat, a little too careful, as if she were embarrassed to even write it. "I'm going back home."
Adorable. Even in the face of this, she was still adorable.
I forced myself to focus on that, on the small, beautiful things, anything to keep the darkness at bay. I refused to let her cancer define our moments.
I grabbed my phone and texted my friends, my lifeline in this storm.
Me: Hey guys, you already know about Jo's situation, right?
All: Yeah.
Me: So can you help me?
All: Yeah.
Me: Umm, so how do I make her enjoy every day of her life? Like enjoy it so much that she wouldn't feel sad?
The chat fell silent for a moment, the weight of my question hanging heavy in the digital air. They understood the desperation behind my words, the raw, aching need to make things right.
Ry: I know it's hard and all, but you shouldn't be too negative about it, or else you both will be sad. Instead, think positive and just do what you do with her every day; just don't mention anything about the thing.
All: Yeah.
Me: Thanks. I don't know if it would help, but just talking to you guys made me motivated. Thank you.
I put down my phone, a fragile seed of hope planted in the desolate landscape of my heart. It was the weekend, and I had a very big surprise to plan for Jo.