Well, soon enough, I opened my eyes again, and believe me, I knew what was coming.
By now, I've been reincarnated so many times that I could write a guidebook: "How to Get Reborn: A Comprehensive Survival Manual for the Chronically Dead."
So, naturally, I was fully expecting the usual, you know, to be slime-covered, drooling, and in the oversized, squishy hands of some giant fantasy parents again.
Classic Tuesday.
But… well.
Well…
This time, I wasn't.
So, can anyone guess where I was now? Because I sure couldn't.
I tried opening my eyes wider, but all I saw was darkness. The kind of darkness that feels personal.
Maybe I was in a cave? Or inside some giant beast's stomach again? Hard to tell, the air smelled like regret and expired meat.
Then my eyes adjusted.
And right in front of me stood a mountain.
Now, before you ask, "How can a mountain be inside a cave?", I'll tell you how.
Because this wasn't a mountain made of rock.
No.
This was a mountain made of bones.
An entire skeletal Everest, courtesy of whoever or whatever decided that interior decoration should be nightmare-chic.
I looked down at myself, and surprise! I was lying on a heap of bones too.
Great.
Apparently, I had a VIP seat in Bone Valley.
It didn't take long for me to connect the dots.
Looks like after I heroically blacked out earlier, the guards found my half-dead self and chucked me straight into the Abyss of Jugon.
Well, that explains the ambience. And my luck. Again.
But something didn't add up.
All my life, I thought my Illusion Skill consumed life force. That's why I never pushed it too far, I mean, who wants to accidentally turn into a pile of dust, right?
But here I was — alive.
Or maybe I wasn't?
Maybe this was the afterlife. If so, it needed serious renovations.
I decided to test my surroundings and stood up.
The bones crunched and shifted under my feet like popcorn.
Two seconds later, I slipped.
Face first.
My nose met a femur.
So graceful. Ten out of ten landing.
I got up again, this time on all fours like some kind of confused dog, and crawled forward until I finally reached the "floor."
Although calling it a floor was generous.
It was a river.
And, because I'm me, it wasn't a normal river either.
Nope.
It was a river of blood.
Thick, dark red, metallic-smelling, straight out of a horror movie directed by my enemies.
The current was strong too, sloshing against my knees like it was trying to remind me of my life choices.
Every step felt like wading through syrup made of pure misfortune.
I took a deep breath, instantly regretted it because, yeah, it smelled like iron and armpit, and started trudging toward a faint light ahead.
It looked like sunlight. Hope!
Maybe freedom!
Or maybe another elaborate way to die.
After a few slow, heroic steps, my foot hit something hard.
Probably a skull.
I stumbled.
The river didn't waste a second, it grabbed me like an overeager fan and pulled me toward the glowing exit.
"Hey!" I yelled, flailing helplessly. "I didn't ask for the express delivery!"
But the river didn't care.
It carried me faster and faster until the light grew blindingly bright, and then I was launched out like a piece of trash from a demonic washing machine.
I blinked.
And that's when I realized something truly horrible.
I was at the top of a waterfall.
A bloody one.
"Great," I muttered, "new death unlocked: falling stylishly."
Before I could finish my sarcastic prayer, gravity took the wheel.
I screamed all the way down, a long, dramatic yell that would've made even the gods roll their eyes.
And then, SPLASH.
Straight into a pool of blood below.
Let me tell you one thing from experience: falling from a great height into liquid hurts just as much as hitting concrete.
Actually, worse, because this wasn't water. This was thick, sticky, insultingly warm blood.
Every inch of my body screamed in agony.
Bones cracked, muscles tore, and somewhere deep inside, my soul gave me the middle finger.
Even my balls hurt.
Like, cosmically hurt.
If there's ever a record for "Pain in All Dimensions," I'd win it.
After what felt like forever, I washed up on the shore, coughing up what I desperately hoped wasn't more blood.
The ground was solid. Blessed, solid ground.
And around me… giant red trees.
Their leaves shimmered like molten rubies, and their roots twisted like veins.
Beautiful? Yes.
Comforting? Not even slightly.
I crawled forward, dragging my half-dead body across the ground, each move sending lightning bolts of pain up my spine.
Finally, I reached one of the massive trees and leaned against it.
"Ah yes," I muttered between gasps, "nothing like a casual dip in the Blood River to start the day."
And then I closed my eyes for a moment, wondering if maybe, just maybe, this was finally rock bottom.
But knowing my luck?
It was probably just the tutorial level.
After what felt like hours, or possibly centuries, depending on how dramatic you want me to sound, I finally opened my eyes again.
And let me tell you, I immediately regretted it.
Every part of my body screamed in pain.
Muscles, bones, organs, even the parts of me that shouldn't hurt were joining the chorus.
Apparently, the adrenaline from my previous death-defying adventures had finally packed its bags and left.
Thanks for nothing, body.
And what do I see right in front of my aching, half-dead self?
A crow.
Not a majestic, soul-bound beast. Not a divine messenger.
Just a small, smug-looking black crow.
And guess what it was doing?
Yeah.
It was eating me.
Pecking right at my open wound, pulling tiny bits of my flesh like it was enjoying the buffet special of the day.
I stared at it in disbelief.
This bird was out here having a five-star meal while I was contemplating my existence.
I sighed, partly from pain, partly from existential despair.
"Bon appétit, I guess," I muttered weakly.
Then, of course, my stomach growled. Loudly.
Louder than the crow's caws.
It sounded like a demon trying to start a chainsaw inside me.
I've been hungry before, sure, but this? This was hunger with ambition.
I looked around. Nothing edible. No fruit, no mushrooms, no signboards saying "Welcome, Free Buffet This Way."
Just me, bones, blood, and one extremely confident crow.
I thought, I could eat the crow.
Then I thought again, Knowing my luck, it'll fly away the second I blink.
And also, my limbs felt like wet noodles, there was no way I could catch it the normal way.
That's when I noticed something beside me.
A thin, red stick.
I squinted.
Not a stick.
A bone.
Maybe a hand bone, long, narrow, and conveniently sharp at one end.
Just what every starving man needs, cutlery!
I swallowed hard, not sure if it was saliva or just leftover blood sloshing around my mouth.
Either way, I picked up the bone carefully. My hand trembled, partly from weakness, partly from excitement, mostly from stupidity.
Then I turned my gaze back to the crow and whispered, "Please don't fail me now."
And with the confidence of a man who has nothing left to lose, I activated my Illusion Skill.
The bone shimmered faintly, transforming, at least visually, into a delicious-looking insect.
It twitched and buzzed faintly, sitting on the ground like a snack from heaven.
See, from my extensive, totally legitimate knowledge gathered from countless lifetimes, I knew one thing about crows:
They love insects.
Can't resist them.
Basically, crows are the junk food addicts of the bird world.
As if reading my mind, the crow tilted its head, eyeing the "insect."
And then, in the most on-brand move of my entire cursed existence, it flew away.
"Of course it did," I sighed. "Why wouldn't it? Maybe I should've made the illusion a burger instead."
I lay back, utterly defeated, staring at the red sky like the universe owed me an apology.
Maybe this was how I'd go, dying hungry, being nibbled by wildlife, and outsmarted by a bird.
Truly inspirational.
But just as I was about to dismiss the illusion and accept my fate, I heard something.
Flapping.
The crow was back.
And not alone.
It brought friends. Three of them.
Apparently, word had spread in crow social media that there was an all-you-can-eat insect buffet.
The four of them landed nearby, hopping around the illusion cautiously.
Then one brave feathered idiot decided to take the first bite.
It opened its beak, and that was my cue.
"HELL YES!" I yelled like a maniac, gathering every remaining ounce of strength in my pathetic body and lunging forward.
The bone pierced straight through the bird's chest.
It gave one last dramatic CAW! and went limp.
The other three took off instantly, clearly deciding that death wasn't on their menu today.
But I didn't care.
I had caught one.
A victory! My first win since… ever.
My hunger took over like a wild beast.
Without hesitation, or shame, I started tearing into the crow with the sharp bone, ripping apart feathers and flesh.
It was disgusting.
It was barbaric.
It was delicious.
Parasites? Bacteria? Disease?
Please. I'd already fallen from a waterfall of blood, my immune system was either divine or nonexistent.
And then, as I swallowed the last of it, something strange happened.
A warmth spread through my body.
Not emotional warmth, no, the literal kind.
My blood started pumping faster, my skin tingled, and my wounds began to close.
I blinked.
The pain dulled, muscles tightened, and even my breathing steadied.I probably looked like a dying crab trying to find Wi-Fi.
Magic crow.
I'd just eaten a magic crow.
Of course.
Of course in this world, even the birds were juiced up with mystical energy while I was just out here making fake bugs.
Still, I wasn't complaining. My injuries were healing, slowly, but definitely.
I checked myself. Maybe 20% restored. Enough to not die, not enough to do cartwheels.
I grinned, blood on my teeth, madness in my eyes.
"Time to farm crows."
Somewhere above, the remaining crows cawed in the distance.
If they understood English, they'd have been terrified.