In the end… I couldn't shed myself of human nature and achieve nirvana.
Ironically, the state of no-self would perhaps only be attained upon death, when the spirit briefly wanders in the void of the reincarnation cycle, with no attachments and remembrance of the self.
The deeper the insight and wisdom,
the higher the perspective,
the more difficult it was to abandon the consciousness of thy self and reach forgetfulness.
Such was the trap…
In his last moments of life, the only company Cheng Changming had was his bitter sorrowness.
At least his worries and lingering attachments would disappear, along with himself, upon his reincarnation.
At last, this life full of obsession will be forfeit and I can be free of my burdens.
And so heaving a final sigh, the light left his eyes, and his body fell to the cold, damp ground of a dark cave.
His remains never to be found inside a nameless mountain peak.
***
Inside a small wooden house a child was tossing and turning in his bed.
*aghhh
All of a sudden the child woke up and shot up from the bed.
He looked around in panic, his gaze wandering inside the modest room.
After some instants, his wide open eyes dazed as he murmured:
"W-what… where am I?"
Pain struck his head like thunder. Memories started flooding in.
The life of an eight year old boy named Li Xiaofan started playing through his head.
The memories went on as he saw the birth of the boy, his parents and the rest of his short, uneventful life.
Li Xiaofan was a normal boy, only son to a father, Li Deng, working as a layman in the port of the small Hejin, a port city in Fujian, and his mother Ling Fei, a laundry woman working in the estate of the Liu merchant family.
His household led a modest, but content life.
Sometimes they even had enough money to afford the luxury of meat and other delicacies offered by roadside stalls.
He had a few friends that he met during the lessons given by Old man Jang, a kind scholar who after retirement came back to his hometown from Hebei and decided to teach young children various academic subjects such as math, literature, geography and history.
His daily life flowed smoothly as he normally helped with the chores in the morning and then attended old man Jang's lectures, spending time with his friends afterwards.
Li Xiaofan's life was truly nothing, if not normal.
The one thing that stood out in those memories were the dreams. Every night he would dream of a life that was not his.
A life spent seeking enlightenment in asceticism as a monk named Cheng Changming.
As Cheng Changming, no- Li Xiaofan saw those dreams, everything clicked.
He had been reincarnated, and his name in this life was Li Xiaofan.
Finally, after eight years since his birth he awakened his dormant ego and retained the memories of his previous life which should have been clensed.
Xiaofan stood still as he tried to process everything.
What should I do in this life…
I… failed at reaching nirvana.
His last life was spent seeking ascension.
With his great intellect and philosophical thinking, he had managed to glance upon the truths of the universe and life, becoming a man of culture and cultivating his own ideology.
After attaining great accomplishments as a monk at a young age, he had met a wall that accompanied him for the rest of his life, becoming his only burden and regret. Stopping him from reaching nirvana, escaping his mortal coils and attaining a state of no self, the ultimate freedom.
He had reached a realm of knowing, but not being.
He knew what it meant to reach nirvana but couldn't achieve it.
Just like how the dao ceases to be the dao when it is spoken, the truth became meaningless since he couldn't embody it.
After seeing the truth he couldn't achieve the truth.
The greatest paradox borne of his ego and consciousness being too enlightened and thus leading to him being unable to leave his sense of self and achieve forgetfulness.
So after failing to achieve the state of no-self he had resigned himself to die a bitter, but peaceful death.
Not achieving his ambition but also being freed by it.
Instead here he was, speechless.
After what felt like an eternity somebody knocked on his door, breaking his limbo.
"Xiaofan, why aren't you up yet? Is everything okay?"
It was his mother, Ling Fei, who had come to check on him.
Expressionless but wrestling with his thoughts deep inside, he made his way to the door and got out.
He proceeded with his daily life almost in a state of trance, as if on autopilot. Unperturbed by anything in his surroundings.
***
-Ten days later
As he sat on the table, eating dinner with his family, looking at his reflection in the wooden bowl of water, a spark of diamond hard determination flashed in his eyes.
Since Buddhism, didn't and won't work,
In this life I will ascend with taoism!