The world is strange, complex, and at the same time so simple… The truth is, I think the world is actually very simple — I just try to make it complicated so it won't be so boring. Maybe the world isn't boring, maybe I'm the boring one. Maybe I'm the problem. Why should the world be to blame for my boredom?I know things will get better — I keep telling myself that, hoping it's true, hoping these are just delusions, hoping there's some damn light in this shitty world.I feel a bit guilty for complaining when I have so much, but part of me is tired of thinking I have to earn the right to complain, the right to feel sad, the right to be angry…
I also wonder if these are just the delusions of a teenager with too much free time, but that's okay. The world isn't perfect, and it doesn't spin the way we want it to. At least in this story, maybe it spins the way I want it to… maybe.
The world keeps spinning, flowers keep blooming, people keep being born and dying, the sun keeps rising and setting — but something has changed.It's something in me. I want to start living… but what does that even mean?To understand that, we have to go back in time.
I'm Ed.A name so short and simple that it almost seems to fit me perfectly.I'm just another high school student. I'm 15. I'm what you might call an "H" — a letter you never really hear, that passes by unnoticed.You're probably thinking I'll spend all my time putting myself down, but don't worry — this story isn't about that. It's about something much more beautiful and chaotic at the same time. It's about feelings.
I'm not a psychopath, nor some emotionless main character who stays cold and stoic even in the tensest moments — no, this isn't that kind of story.It's just that… I struggle to feel.I struggle to get emotionally involved with anyone.And that's something I discovered when I was very young.
"I like you! Do you want to be my boyfriend?" — that's what a note I received said.My first thought was that it was a joke.But, to my luck — or misfortune — it wasn't.I'm not the most handsome guy in the world, but believe me, Brad Pitt's not that far from me.YEAH, SURE! Of course, that's not one of my delusions… Of course not.
Anyway, the girl who wrote the note was named Kary. She was cute — so cute there was really no reason to say no. So, I said yes.
We dated for a few weeks, but… I didn't really feel anything.Don't get me wrong, I liked her, but maybe I was expecting too much — expecting that movie-like feeling.It wasn't Kary's fault. She was great.It was just my dumb expectations.
So one day, after thinking it over a lot, I broke up with her.Do I regret it? It would be a lie to say I don't.I know I was just running away, doing the easy thing.But I promise I won't do that from now on…I wish I could go back in time — I guess everything would be easier if I could — but enough lamenting the past.
The years went by.I finished high school and started university.During those years, I kept doing the easy thing — living my life the same way as always. Not changing. Not leaving my shell.
I don't know if my shell cracked, or if I've just outgrown it — or maybe I'm simply bored.But this little lobster wants to see what's out there in the ocean and isn't afraid of the octopuses anymore.
I convinced myself that I'd change in university.The first step to changing is wanting to, so… I'll do just that!Easier said than done — it's almost funny.
"Hello, first-year students! Let me welcome you! I'm Diana, and I'll be your professor for this class. Please, take a seat."
[She seems very energetic — I guess that's a good thing. I suppose introductions are coming up. I'll just copy what everyone else says.]
"Hi, I'm Timmy! I'm 18, and I joined this program because I'm really passionate about filmmaking, and I'd love to become a director someday!"
Ah yes — this is film school~~
"Hi, I'm Jhon! I'm 18—no, 19—and I joined this program because I'm really passionate about filmmaking, and I'd love to become a director someday!"
[Did that guy seriously just say exactly what the other one said?]
"Hi, I'm Samanta!…"
[I'm glad I didn't sit in the front row.]
Looks like it'll be my turn soon.I guess I'll say something similar but change a few words — not be as shameless as that Jhon guy.
"Hi, my name's Emily! I joined this program because I really love movies, and my dream has always been to direct one!"
[Okay, now it's my turn.]
I try to take a deep breath to calm my heart.These situations always make me anxious.Speaking in front of a crowd is my kryptonite.But it'll just be for a moment — I'll get through it unnoticed.Just say something generic and that's it. Be an "H."
Wait a second… Am I really going to keep repeating my same old mistakes?Am I really not going to change?Twenty seconds of courage — that's all I need.
"H-hi, I'm Ed!"
Just saying that makes me feel breathless.I feel the sweat on my forehead, my heart pounding fast.I try my best to stay calm, to not stutter.I really try.
"And I came here to live!"
…Shit.Well, at least that only took five seconds.