"Now is the time for valor, giant!" Sir Reginald's voice squeaked from his pocket, muffled but still audible. "Charge! For honor and glory and the chance to prove that size doesn't matter when you have courage in your heart!"
"Not a chance," Leo muttered, his mind racing.
He wasn't a hero.
He was a writer.
A failed writer, admittedly, but still someone whose primary skill set involved sitting in chairs and complaining about things. He had no business fighting magical constructs or saving anyone's life, including his own.
But if there was one thing a writer knew, it was how to exploit a plot hole.
He had designed the golems himself, after all. He had given them a flaw, a tiny, almost insignificant weakness that Kaelen was supposed to discover in a moment of brilliant insight during their dramatic battle.
The control rune, located on the golem's back, was susceptible to moisture. A well-aimed water spell, or in this case, a conveniently located fountain full of water and one very wet protagonist, could short it out.
But Kaelen was currently using the fountain as a personal bathtub, sputtering and cursing as he tried to extract himself from the decorative pool while maintaining some semblance of heroic dignity.
So it was up to Leo.
He looked around desperately for something, anything, that could help him exploit the weakness he had built into his own creation.
His eyes fell on the overturned cart of cleaning supplies that had been knocked over in the initial panic. Buckets, mops, and what appeared to be an entire arsenal of janitorial equipment lay scattered across the courtyard like the remnants of a very mundane battle.
One of the buckets was half-full of soapy water, probably left over from the morning's cleaning routine.
It would have to do.
"Hey, you oversized paperweight!" Leo yelled, his voice cracking slightly as he tried to project the kind of confidence he absolutely did not feel. "Over here!"
The golem turned, its glowing blue eyes fixing on him with the kind of attention that suggested it was calculating the most efficient way to turn him into a Leo-shaped crater in the courtyard stones. It raised its massive stone fist, and Leo could see the magical energy crackling around its knuckles.
Leo did the only thing a sensible, non-heroic person could do in that situation. He grabbed the bucket of soapy water and threw it.
The bucket sailed through the air in what Leo would later describe as a perfect arc of desperate improvisation. It spun end over end, trailing soapy water like a comet's tail, before landing squarely on the golem's head with a satisfying clang that echoed across the courtyard.
The water cascaded down the golem's back, soaking into the stone and flowing directly over the control rune that Leo had so carefully designed as a weakness. The rune sparked, flickered, and then went dark with a sound like a dying light bulb.
The golem shuddered.
Its glowing eyes flickered like a computer screen experiencing technical difficulties. It took one more step forward, its massive fist still raised to deliver a pulverizing blow, and then, with a groan of grinding stone that sounded almost disappointed, it froze in place like a statue.
Silence descended on the courtyard like a heavy blanket.
The only sounds were the gentle splash of water from the fountain, where Kaelen was still trying to extract himself with what remained of his dignity, and the distant chirping of birds who seemed blissfully unaware that they had just witnessed either a great heroic triumph or a spectacular failure, depending on one's perspective.
Everyone stared.
They stared at the frozen golem, its fist still raised in a gesture of eternal menace. They stared at the sputtering protagonist in the fountain, who looked like he had been dunked in a very expensive birdbath.
And they stared at Leo, who was standing in the middle of the courtyard with a mop somehow balanced on his head and an expression of profound bewilderment.
---
[Quest Completed: Don't Die Immediately]
• Reward: 10 Experience Points, the title "The Janitor of Justice," and the dubious honor of having weaponized cleaning supplies.
• System Note: You have a promising career in custodial heroism. Consider investing in better cleaning equipment.
---
[Achievement Unlocked: Janitor of Justice]
• Description: You've defeated a magical construct using nothing but soapy water and questionable life choices. Maintenance staff everywhere salute your innovative approach to problem-solving.
---
Leo slowly removed the mop from his head, wondering how it had gotten there in the first place. He had survived. He had also just defeated the first mini-boss of his own story, stolen the protagonist's thunder, and made a complete and utter fool of himself in front of the entire academy.
His carefully crafted plan for a quiet, comfortable life of background anonymity was, he suspected, officially ruined.
"Well," said Sir Reginald from his pocket, his tiny voice filled with what sounded suspiciously like pride, "that was adequately heroic for someone of your enormous size and questionable combat skills. I approve of your tactical use of cleaning supplies, though your form could use some work."
Leo looked around at the crowd of staring students, at Professor Aldric, who was frantically taking notes about the golem's unexpected shutdown, and at Kaele,n who was finally managing to climb out of the fountain with his dignity in tatters and his hair dripping wet.
"I think," Leo said quietly, "I'm going to need a new plan."
---
[New Quest Issued: Deal with the Consequences]
• Description: You've just become the most interesting person in the academy. This is the opposite of what you wanted. Try to figure out how to be boring again.
• Reward: The slim possibility of returning to anonymity.
• Failure Penalty: Becoming a main character in your own story. The horror.
---
Leo sighed. It was going to be a very long day.