I didn't know when I wandered off to the edge of the night market and left sight of my mother. I called out to her but was met with silence in this noisy market. I called out to her again and again until I stopped as those indifferent faces met my gaze. It all felt meaningless, it has been that way since he left.
Everyone said life is like this—unpredictable, no one knows what will happen. We should leave them behind and move on in our life. But how can I? how can I, when he has been a part of my life from the moment, I ever opened my eyes? How can I, when he is my one and only brother? It's been a year already but even if a lifetime passed by, how can I ever bear to leave him behind?
Just when my eyes welled up in tears with nowhere to go, something caught my attention from the corner of my eye. An old man was selling lanterns, not to fairies, not to Gods but to the dead, lost souls. Everyone ignored him and I would have too had it been any other day but was it the grieve or the guilt of never saying a proper goodbye to my brother? I found myself walking towards his small shop.
The kind shopkeeper next door warned me of scams and advised me not to fall for his lies as I was about to enter the shop but I believed him, I believed him more than ever today—my brother death anniversary.
"Welcome, welcome! Young lady. If you write the words you never got to say and let this lantern go into the sky under a full moon, it might reach the ones you lost. It's the last lantern remaining. Choose well, young lady." The old man said to me while smiling fondly.
But there hadn't been any customer here other than me. Moreover, it wasn't a full moon night today either. His words made it certain to me that he was a scammer indeed but I paid it no mind.
"Yes! I will buy that last lantern. How much is it?" "2 pennies only"
Dear brother,
This is Mai. How have you been? I have been good here. Mother and father as well. Though they miss you terribly. I do too. Very much so. It's already been a year without you and many things have piled up that I want to share with you, things you would find interesting, things you would roll your eyes upon hearing. But there is only one thing I really want to say, only one thing I have been dying to say. I didn't mean to ignore your calls that day. I really didn't! If only I had picked up…. Goodbye, brother. I miss you and always will. Goodbye.
Lovingly, Mai…
I controlled tears with much difficulty as the lantern flew high into the sky, seemingly into the depths of the night sky.
"Mai" I heard my name being called faintly from afar. It was my mother. She found me. I turned around to see the lantern one last time with the hope it would perhaps really reach my brother but it had long since vanished into the endless abyss of the night sky.
The stars were twinkling so beautifully and so mysteriously with profound depth and seemed to be traveling.… The stars are moving mysteriously. The stars rushed toward me just at that moment and flowed beneath my feet. Where am I? Ah… this is a dream!
"I know that." Someone with an overly familiar voice whispered to me.
"Huh?" I froze. My mind went completely blank.
He stood alone in the river of stars, smiling.
"Brother! Brother!" I ran out to him yet no matter how much I ran he remained out of my reach.
"I know everything. I know you didn't mean it. It wasn't your fault. It never was. Live well, my dear Mai."
Huh? No! No!-
I ran after him desperately, as if grasping for air to breathe. I called out to him tirelessly yet no word would come out of my mouth. His presence became more and more faint in the midst of my struggles, blending into the night sky as if a star himself.
My eyes opened abruptly with tears soaking my face. It was a… 'dream'. But a very familiar sense of loss and longing enveloped me tightly. Tears flowed down my cheek uncontrollably. All those tears I held back since that day came rushing down like a downpour. Maybe they finally found a place. A meaning.
"I miss you... "