"I give up. I won't try anymore."
"Huh? Why? Why did you made such decision?" my mother's question filled with confusion came over the phone.
"Because it will take more money. I am have ambition but I don't want to be a burden to you." I said slowly and steady so as not to let her know of my tears that fell silently as those words left my mouth.
"... It's okay, dear. You can try next year."
"I don't want to try anymore. It's enough."
... "How much money will it take?" My heart sank to my stomach at her words. I could tell from her words that she was ready to pay for it. Since young, my mother though not so eloquent with words has already tried to fulfill my every wish. Growing up, no matter how many nos she said, she always agreed and supported my decisions. Today was no different either and it made those tears to well up even more.
"12 thousand."
"12k—"
I interrupted her before she could speak. "It's too much and I don't want to apply anymore. I am be young but I am not naive enough to spend so much."
After a while of silence she said slowly, "It's okay. We didn't know even if it was safe. What if they had asked for money after you went there?"
Her words contained her concern and care but there was also something else—relieve. She didn't want me to go from before, not because she opposed me but she feared for me, my safety. I understand.
My heart ached more and more as her comforting words continued. I felt thankful and sorry to her. I made excuses to hang up the phone as I felt I couldn't hide those tears and shaky voice from her anymore.
.... I felt meaningless. Everything felt meaningless. "What did I worked so hard for?" "Why did it end up like this?" "Everything ends like this, as if the universe is mocking me. Why? Just why? Why me? Why only me? What did I do wrong?"
Countless such thoughts roamed my mind. Anger, sadness, regret and other unexplainable emotions stirred in me until nothing remained. All of a sudden, everything went quiet. All my thoughts, all those emotions dissappeared. I didn't feel as calm in forever.
Is this what acceptance feel like? Is this the acceptance of one's situation that others talk about?
I know. I know beneath this calm surface hides the storm that can break anything and anyone but somehow it couldn't breach pass that vulnerable barrier that can break with a single touch.
As I deleted those past search history, my heart quietly, sorrowfully accepted it. That it has all come to an end. My dried tears marked the end. And once again, another one of my dream was left unfulfilled on this fateful cold, winter night.