I'm sprawled on my crusty gaming chair, eyeballs practically fused to the monitor, hands glued to my sweat-crusted keyboard.
Here I am, soul-sucked into my own damn video game character after 20,000 hours of pure, unadulterated grind. Yeah, you heard that right 20K hours. That's like five years straight if I didn't have a job or a social life, which, let's be real. I didn't.
Killing Monster like it's nothing, grinding this hellish RPG trying to hit level 1000 because apparently, I hate sleep, sunlight, and basic human hygiene.
And I never even touched the main quest. Fuck that noise storylines in these games are always half-baked fanfic drivel. I just wanted the dopamine hits from smashing skulls and watching XP bars fill up.
I hit level 900, and I'm still 100 levels shy of the cap.
One second, I'm mid-swing on a horde of those tentacled fuckers in the Uncharted Depths the deepest, nastiest corner of the monster-infested wilds. Next second? Blackout. Like someone yanked the power cord on reality. When my eyes wait, these eyes flutter open, I'm not in my sweat-stained apartment anymore. I'm flat on my back in a sea of gore, the metallic tang of blood thick enough to choke on. But it's not just any blood. It's my blood, or at least the blood from the last thousand kills. I sit up slow, expecting the usual post-death menu screen, but nope. No HUD. No options. Just... me. In the game.
But wait these aren't my pasty noodle arms! I lift a hand, and holy shit, it's like someone CGI'd a Greek god's bicep onto my frame. I flex, and veins pop like roadmaps. My body's built like a lean, mean murder machine think Wolverine, but if he mainlined protein shakes and skipped leg day (to be fair, leg day's a scam anyway). I backflip without trying and land softer than a cat on a marshmallow. Super strength? Check. Agility that'd make Spider-Man blush? Double-check. I grab a nearby rock and chuck it like a fastball. It whistles through the air before detonating a boulder 300 yards away. Kaboom! Dust rains down like confetti.
But then I glance downward. Oh no. My pants feel… off. I fumble at my waistband. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" I howl at the sky. "I spent 4 hours in the character creator fine-tuning my cheekbones to anime-hero perfection, and you guys forgot the DICK SLIDER?!" It's not a tragedy, but it's not winning any trophies either. Let's call it… aggressively average. Like the Devs rolled a D20 and went, "Meh, 12's good enough." I mean, it's there, thank Christ not a button in a fur coat, but definitely not the mythical third leg. At least my face survived the transition. Sharp jaw, smolder-adjacent eyes total Pretty Boy Apocalypse vibes. Could've been worse. Could've spawned as a goblin with a unibrow and a micropenis.
Now, let's talk about this game. Imagine Dark Souls had a baby with a roguelike, No saves. No respawns. One death and you're back to Level 1, crying into your Hot Pockets while the final boss teabags your corpse. I died 57 times. 57. First ten runs? Got merked by the tutorial boss a sentient tumbleweed with anger issues. By run 20, I'd mastered the art of dodging fireballs while sobbing uncontrollably. But here I am now, standing in Uber-Hardcore God Mode, draped in armor so shiny it's basically a middle finger to mortality. My sword? Let's just say it's got enough enchantments to make a necromancer cry into his spellbook.
And speaking of wrecking... I look around, and it's like staring at my own personal apocalypse. Kilometers miles, whatever of uncharted lands stretching out, all dead and quiet. The deepest part, the heart of monster territory. Piles of corpses everywhere: twisted demon husks, giant wolf packs turned to mulch, dragon skeletons with their wings shredded like wet paper. Thousands, no, millions of 'em, from the lowbie goblins I steamrolled early on to the endgame behemoths that took hours to chip down. In the game, they'd despawn after a bit, but here?. They just rot, bones bleaching in the sun, bloodstains soaking the dirt. I decimated a full quarter of this whole wild zone just to hit level 900. Exponential grind, man early levels were a joke, but later? Each mob gave peanuts, so I had to clear endless waves, chaining fights for days. My white armor's still spotless, though gleaming plate mail, every piece enchanted to the gills with shit like infinite durability and life-steal. Long sword humming with power in my grip. Best loot drops from the grind