Jack had survived vampires, werewolves, hunters, and even a plushie apocalypse in the form of Mr. Snuggles.But he was not prepared for this.
Not the armies.Not the hybrid monsters.Not the prophecies.
This.The thing every sane man fears more than death.
Romantic confessions.
Morning Madness
It started like any other terrible morning. Jack woke up with Mr. Snuggles drooling on his chest, Lucian staring disapprovingly at him from the window, and Karen banging on the door like she was collecting rent.
"Rise and shine, mate!" Karen barged in, grinning. "Today's the day."
Jack groaned. "The day what? The day my student loans finally kill me?"
"No," she said. "The day I make it official."
Before Jack could ask, Karen dropped to one knee. Yes, one knee. In front of everyone.
"Jack," she growled proudly. "You're my fated mate. I want the whole damn world to know it. Be mine, or I'll tear the throats out of anyone who disagrees."
Jack blinked. His brain rebooted like a Windows 98 computer. "Uh. What?"
Lucian rolled his eyes. "Pathetic display." He stepped forward smoothly, his cape fluttering though there was no wind. "Ignore the dog's theatrics. Jack, you and I share a bond deeper than fate. You are my blood-bound key, my eternal partner. Come with me, and I shall grant you immortality, power, luxury… and excellent dental."
Jack threw his hands up. "Why do you all sound like bad dating app bios?"
Love Dick sauntered in next, hips swaying like she was walking down a catwalk of doom. She perched on the edge of his bed, leaning close enough for her perfume to scramble his brain.
"Darling," she purred. "Don't waste time with puppies and aristocrats. You belong with me. Eternal nights of passion, laughter, and chaos. Besides…" she winked, "…I already have the lingerie picked out."
Jack nearly choked on his own tongue.
The Chain Reaction
That was just the beginning. Word spread fast—too fast. By noon, every eligible supernatural woman within a hundred miles had descended on Jack like he was the last man on Earth.
Selene Nightrose, elegant vampire lady, declared she would duel anyone who tried to take Jack away.
Seraphina Kane, the legendary huntress, announced she admired Jack's "courage" and wanted him as her partner in battle and in life.
Roxy Fangbreaker, the feral wolf-warrior, tackled him mid-sentence and screamed, "He's mine, bitches!"
Even the town's preacher's granddaughter shyly approached him with a basket of muffins and whispered, "Um… I think you're cute."
Jack's head spun. "Am I in a romance novel? Did someone slip me into the wrong genre?!"
Mr. Snuggles squeaked from his shoulder, clearly amused.
The Competition Escalates
By late afternoon, the "confessions" had turned into an outright showdown.
Karen dragged him to the wolves' camp and tried to put a wedding garland on him.Lucian summoned a vampire choir to serenade him under the moonlight.Seraphina staged a mock duel, declaring Jack as the prize.Love Dick actually rented an entire ballroom, complete with champagne fountains and a banner that read: Congratulations, Mrs. and Mr. Love Dick.
Jack stood in the middle of it all, dizzy, surrounded by screaming women. "Please. I just wanted lunch. I just wanted a sandwich. Is that too much to ask?"
The Ceremony That Shouldn't Have Happened
And then, somehow, things escalated further.
The local townsfolk, ever eager to support their new "hero," decided to throw a festival. Only it wasn't just a festival—it was a wedding festival.
Somewhere between the beer kegs, the barbecue, and the dance floor, Jack realized he was standing at an altar.
Karen was in a white dress, grinning like she'd won the lottery.Lucian was at the other side, also in white (and somehow pulling it off), glaring daggers.Love Dick was halfway down the aisle, holding a bouquet she'd clearly stolen.Selene, Seraphina, Roxy—all of them were there too, arguing, shoving, threatening to kill the priest.
The crowd cheered. The preacher raised his Bible.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the union of—"
Jack cut him off, flailing his arms. "NO. STOP. TIME OUT. I did not agree to this DLC! I don't even know whose wedding this is! Why am I at the altar?!"
The preacher coughed. "Because… everyone voted. And you lost."
The women shouted over each other."He's mine!""No, mine!""I'll burn this place to the ground!"
Mr. Snuggles leapt onto the altar, tail glowing like a flare. The crowd fell silent. The panda squeaked once, loudly, as if passing judgment.
Then the ground shook.
Because, of course, nothing in Jack's life could end with cake and vows.
From the forest beyond the town, horns blared. The Hunters had returned—this time with tanks, war machines, and enough firepower to wipe the town off the map.
Chad Thunderbullet's voice thundered through a megaphone: "Step away from the altar, Loser. Your wedding's over. Time to die."
The brides screamed. The crowd panicked. The priest fainted.
Jack groaned, tugging at the too-tight bow tie someone had forced on him. "Seriously? Can't even get fake-married in peace? Worst honeymoon ever."
Mr. Snuggles growled, eyes glowing. The chaos was only beginning.