A wave of panic hit me in the chest the moment she left the room. I stood watching her walk out. I wanted to run after her but knew that would not be appropriate. The way she looked at me, it was like she felt I had ruined her life. And maybe I did. Had I just had the balls to talk to her like a normal fucking person rather than act like… like a… a douche-canoe…. Maybe we would be together- or at the very least on friendly terms. Now I just stand watching her walk away in obvious pain and there is nothing I can do to fix it.
The conference room door has barely closed and the room bursts with conversation. Multiple at the same time. I remain standing there like an imbisile. I continue staring after her completely torn between chasing after her like a lost puppy and minding my fucking business and doing my job. Where is she going? What is she thinking? Does she know how incredible and unforgettable she is? That there is nothing wrong with her? Does she feel betrayed by everyone? I imagine it would be devastating to learn you have been being drugged every day of your life since the age of 5.
If I know Lily, and I do, she will spend the next several hours wandering around lost in her own thoughts. She will probably realize she has not eaten in a while and stop for some pizza and a Dr. Pepper. Then she will sit and people watch. When she gets bored of that she will make her way over to the Frog Pond. She always sits on the side closest to the play ground, so she can watch the children and parents interact- but claim she is looking at the pond.
She says she doesn't want children. But I know that is a lie. The way her face lights up when she sees a baby, and the way she has taken a special interest in family law classes… She would be an excellent mother, a fierce protector. Even now, I think she is protecting her unborn child. Knowing what evils are in this world, knowing what struggles she has been through- and the added uncertainty of the outcome of today's events? I think even now she is acting as an excellent mother to a child not even thought of yet. It's why she has convinced herself she doesn't want any children.
It's probably really weird that I know all this… I swear I am not a stalker… But I am obligated to watch over her on the Harvard campus. So I have spent many days watching her watch people- pepperoni slice in one hand, Dr. Pepper in the other. I know her habits and I know her tells. I can tell before she can that she is growing tired of the people she is watching, and it gives me time to pack my things up and be ready to follow her. It's not creepy when I am paid to watch over her.
It's absolute torture to be charged to watch over the woman you want but can never have. I have watched her go on dates, watching as theyy go up to her room at the end of the night… I have watched as these ass holes break her heart over and over. She deserves so much better than these trust fund jack asses. She deserves a man who would lay down his life for her- jump infront of a moving bus if it would please her.
I would do that for her. I wanted to do that for her, but my grandfather wouldn't let me. It would never work out with her anyways. She can only birth a single female heir and I will only generate a male gargoyle heir. It would never work between us unless we agreed to never die. And just live for all eternity just the two of us. I would be happy to do that for her. Spend the rest of time doting on her and reminding her daily that she is the most magnificent creature ever made.
I'm not entirely sure how much time has passed, but my father has announced we will break for lunch and reconvene at 2pm. I am still standing, so I walk out of the room the moment those words leave his lips, sans briefcase. I won't need it to look for her, anyways.
I start walking toward the Frog Pond. I know she would have left the office and taken the most round about way to get to her final destination. So I know she won't be there yet, but there are a few pizza joints not too far away that are high on her list of "epic crust, crunch and cheese pull" that I would bet my life on her being there. So I take the shortest route to Mario's- because that is our favorite- and I plan to just wait and see.
I have grown to love people watching too- through my love of watching her. But again, not in a stalker way. In a way of a man who loves a woman and wants to make sure she is safe- But I would never do anything to hurt her. I might have given some gpa wrecking grades to some of the jack asses who have made her cry. And I may have written a damning recommendation letter to one Nathan Ford, who left her stranded in the rain after she refused to have sex with him on a public park bench, in the rain. I don't know what her reasoning for that was, but regardless a man respects a woman's boundaries and a man does not throw a bitch fit when she declines his advances. A man simply says "ok" and moves on as though it were not a factor. A man keeps those feelings of rejection and the temptation to try again to himself until he is alone and can process them. A man never takes that out on the woman.
I may or may not have implied that not only was Nathan barely a man but his moral compass was pointing so far south that I was surprised he had not been arrested for his many misgivings. That recommendation apparently spurred a more serious investigation and it turns out mommy and daddy have made no less than 10 settlements with 10 different women, all having signed NDAs, forbidding them to speak of the fact he forced himself on them, and even beat a few of them badly enough they ended up in the hospital. Human scum. His entire family is now black listed, and He was kicked out of Harvard for his "questionable morals."
That night I told LIly my first lie. I told her I was driving by when I oversaw the scene unfold and offered her a ride- claiming I had no idea it was her. It seemed like an innocent lie, no harm to be done. But it has plagued me since. I can feel the weight of that lie from two years ago in my every breath. Its the strangest thing, I have not found any research on this in all my searching. There has not been a night I have not spent searching, thinking I must have missed something. Another secret, gargoyles don't require much sleep. At 1200 years old my grandfather required only an hour of sleep in mortal form, and mere minutes in stone. The older we are the less sleep we need. At 400 I am only needing 3 hours to feel fully rested, or less than an hour in stone. So, I have had plenty of time to look, and every search has come up empty handed. I even dug up the tomes where the imprinting magic was written. But no such mention of such a plaguing guilty conscious. Surely I am not that righteous that a simple white lie should plague me.
My night mares are filled with images of me drowning and dying in that guilt, and the guilt of knowing my refusal to marry another woman, as I am obligated to do, not only killed my grandfaher, but will eventually, no doubt, cause my father to resent me. These are the nightmares that make me want to hibernate in stone. When I am in stone no dreams can come upon me. My body and magic are restored as though I were in rest, but in truth gargoyles in stone form are not 'sleeping' they are watching. Our minds are capturing and recording all that we see. And when you think gargoyle you are probably thinking of the monstrous creatures on the outside of buildings. Those are human depictions of us, and they are actually quite offensive. You would be shocked to know that gargoyles can take any shape in stone. Petrified trees? No, resting gargoyle. Seemingly abandoned car or home outside nearby areas of great violence- that the cops never seem to bother- actually gargoyles tasked with collecting evidence. Michelangelo was actually a gargoyle- and the Statue of David- not actually a statue… he just got tired of the bull shit. And were it not for the good dreams….
Those glimpses of her that replay in my mind, they are what keep me going, and prevent me from shifting for longer than necessary. If it were possible for someone to use magic against me, they would only need to take that memory of that kiss away to destroy me. At this point, that memory is what keeps me going. She's all I can think about.
But not in a creepy, stalker way. Fuck.