I was sitting at the dinner table again.
The fields were quiet tonight.
The soft thunder in the far distance almost intruded on the silence.
White cauliflower soup as usual. Liz wasn't touching her bowl.
Pak—
I thought I heard something. Some cement dust fell from the wall.
What's on your mind?
It was her voice, but she sounded much closer. The voice was coming from inside my head, as if I was thinking her own thought.
I realized we didn't have to use our voices to speak anymore.
What do you like most about us? I asked her.
After hearing my question, she looked at her raised fist. "I like the way you look," the voice responded in my head space. "It feels nice to move around. I like the colors, the sounds, the scents. It's nice to be human."
One by one, the fingers of her hand unfurled in a graceful manner.
Some powder fell out and settled on the table. It smelled like burned steel.
"Would you rather be one?" I asked her. Talking with the mind was so effortless. If I had to use my throat now, I didn't think a single word would come out.
"I don't know. Maybe. If I could be born as a human, I wouldn't have to worry about where I'm going to end up next if I die. It's a scary thought. You all get to know how long you're going to live. I don't know when that day will come for me. Could be a hundred years like a human, could be two hundred. Could be a thousand."
"Is life worth living?"
"Life is only worth living because we don't know what's waiting for us on the other side. Like they say, things can always get worse. But sometimes, there're these little moments. Like whenever I punch out at work, I still feel a sense of satisfaction. It's fun when you think you've accomplished something. I know I'm not imagining it because sometimes I also see them smile. Clara, who works the next stall. One time she even gave me a high-five when she walked out. What I mean is that I guess sometimes it's not too bad."
She looked down at her wrist on the table. A black ant was crawling across her knuckle. "But sometimes it's hard to know for sure how we are all really feeling inside," she said. "I can't feel this ant on my skin. I can see him, but I can't feel anything. But he probably can. Sometimes I wish that I could see what he sees and feel what he feels."
She put a finger on top of the ant. "But I can't feel anything," she said softly, her finger gently pressing into her other hand. "I can't feel anything."
As she slowly lifted her finger, the ant crawled down her hand and got on the table.
"Where do you think humanity is headed?"
She seemed surprised by the question. She said, "I don't know... Take a look the cattle in the farm. Where do you think they're headed?"
I shook my head.
She continued, "Like you said, it's just nature. We don't think about the chickens and cows that live and die in our barns. Do they deserve peace? Do they deserve a future, a better life? Why would anybody even bother to put aside a second of their evening to think about the cattle on their plate? We just eat them. And then we live."
"We?" I asked her with my thought.
She paused for a moment. Maybe not "we", sometimes I forget, she said.
"So it's not wrong to murder," I said. "All lives are equal."
The girl stood up from her wooden chair, stepped along the edge of the table in my direction before leaning close to my face.
Huh.
She was wearing makeup.
"If everybody on this planet suddenly lost the ability to lie and could only speak the truth, I think the first thing they'd tell you is that they want to live forever, and they really don't want to die." She looked intensely into my eye, the corner of her mouth quivering as she muttered the words. She was either grieving or she was smiling.
Her face was close, but I couldn't feel the flow of her breath. There was no reason to pretend to breathe anymore.
"Would it still be wrong to kill?" I asked.
"We all do it. Every species on the planet does it."
I slightly lowered my head to give a hint of a nod.
She said, "Why do we think thoughts, and feel emotions? Why do we eat? Why do we live? Because we don't want to die. Why? What's so bad about the idea of dropping dead that we have to go out there and find another animal just to push back our inevitable conclusion for another day? What's so great about life? Murder? Violence? Something has to give up its own life every single day just so you can get a couple more hours in your life. When I put it that way, the idea of living does sound pretty immoral. Life is costly, and without exception, something else has to pay the price. If dying is the most merciful thing anybody could do for themselves and the world, then why are we so afraid of it?"
Silence poured into the room. Deafening silence, suffocating silence.
Although it had brought us closer together, it was tearing me apart.
"Maybe it's because," she said, "deep down, we all know what hides in the darkness."
She leaned even closer. But even from this distance, I could not see the reflection in her eyes.
The greatest tragedy of all, she said, the gentle voice leaking out syllables like glacial winds that chewed the flesh and crushed the soul. The very real possibility that death is a dream. A fairy tale that you read not only to your children but to yourself just so that you can sleep better at night.
Liz slowly pulled away from the table. "That's why nobody wants to die." She circled the room behind me and left my peripheral vision, her delicate voice brushing against the back of my neck. "It's not wrong to murder, Robert." She placed a hand on my shoulder, the palm hovering and barely touching it. "It's just nature."
"Then maybe it's time," I said.
She gave the idea some thought, then she said, "I could have done it, a long time ago."
"Why didn't you?"
"Because I forgot. But even after that, I still wanted to respect your wishes."
"Waiting for my permission."
"Don't you want to see your family again? One day we might lift the curse, then you be free. I don't want to take that away from you."
Then she mentioned the white-haired child.
"Soon my sister will come for us." Her fingers tightened on my shoulders. "Killing her might bring the end to our curse."
She continued, "I could've done it a long time ago, but I like you, Robert. I want you to live."
"Against my own will?"
She didn't immediately respond.
"The future might be really beautiful, you know?" she said. "Think of the potential happiness ahead of you. It might be greater than all the suffering in the world."
"Don't go there."
"Why not?"
"Because you'll lose."
Just like that time at the café.
She snickered. "Then try me. I bet this time it'll be different."
"What about the potential suffering of tomorrow?"
"You're right," she conceded. "The future holds both the potential suffering and happiness that we can't predict. If time is an infinite line, then the future contains the possibility of either a lot of pain, or endless joy. But I think if you give up now, you'll miss out on all the happiness tomorrow can bring. You won't be able to experience the countless days of love, laughter and friendships."
"Weren't you talking about how death might not exist a minute ago?"
"You got me!" She jerked back in surprise, as if she really had forgotten, although her face didn't show any emotion. "Or maybe... What lies behind death is something much more terrifying than life. And... How will she feel about it?"
"Who?"
"Margaret. What about her happiness? I know I'm in no position to say this… but, I've seen her being with you… I really think she can only be happy by your side."
You don't know that, I thought. But either way it'd only show that I'm the problem. "If only she wasn't so affected by the state I'm in," I said, "maybe I'd be inclined to keep moving forward. We've had our memories. But up to this point, I've brought very little happiness to her life. I don't want to hurt her any more than I already have."
"Maybe that's her wish," she said. "Maybe she can only be happy when she's with you, even though there are many days you probably won't see her smile. She won't even admit her feelings for you. But deep down inside, that's her happiness. Even when she's crying, she is happy. Her happiness can only be the future with you in it."
But then.
"What about your happiness?" I said.
"Huh?"
"You've gotten so thin. That makeup won't hide it."
Liz put her hands on her cheeks.
"You don't need to pretend to eat," I said. "Your body has stopped consuming nutrients from vegetables a long time ago. Ever since that day on the fields."
She was silent after that.
"Don't put me to sleep tonight." There was no longer any need for the anesthetic and the morphine. "It's okay."
"If I could beat her," she said, "we'll both be free, then you won't see me again."
I reassured her again. It's okay.
Liz let out a slow breath, even when she didn't need to.
"Do you hate me?" she asked.
"No. It's not your fault." It's just life.
"I don't want it to end like this."
She brought me back to my room.
The girl sat down beside me.
She kept her eyes on the ground.
Then I said, "A fairy tale, huh? You know, I think I found a flaw in your argument."
She just looked at me with a blank expression.
"What you said might be real. However, you're forgetting that it's still only a possibility."
Liz cracked a smile, "You're willing to take that risk?"
"It's the rational thing to do."
The weak smile slowly faded. "They'll fight to the end, you know." She must be talking about Margaret and Josh. "What will I say to them?"
"They'll forget me soon enough. It's not like they'll stand a chance against you anyway."
"I don't know..." She looked toward an unlit corner of the room. "Your brother-in-law might have some tricks up his sleeves. Maybe I wasn't supposed to make it out of that building in the first place."
The room fell silent. Liz continued to sit by my side, watching me. She was waiting for something.
"Liz, promise me."
"What?"
I don't know how long you've been around, but if you're going to stay, and leave us all behind. "Promise me."
"What is it?"
"Promise me you'll never give up."
It's cold at the peak of the mountain, I told her. We should know.
I don't know when or how.
Deep down in my heart, I know that one day you'll find your answer.
Her eyes widened. The lamp on the cabinet cast light on the walls, illuminating the cracks that ran up the vertical surfaces and across the ceiling. The sky thundered softly from a distance.
We were ready.
"So this is it?"
I nodded.
"Then close your eyes."
My eyes shut together as tightly as they could.
A few seconds passed.
I heard a rustle and felt a finger on my chest, where my heart should be.
"Thank you, Robert."
One push and it would all be over.
My whole body braced for the impact.
Would I suffocate?
How long would it hurt before it was over?
My heart was pounding. I was sure she could also feel it on the tip of her finger.
For some reason, I'd never felt more alive.
Each passing second became precious to me. I was eager.
Am I evil?
Am I being selfish?
Maybe.
One. Two. Three.
Four. Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
The finger dug deeper into my skin.
Then it was over.
The vast, dark space in my vision and my mind began to shrink.
Becoming smaller and smaller, until there was nothing left.
The only thing that remained was the uneven pressure placed on my beating heart.
The finger on my chest began to shake.
I slowly opened my eyes to be greeted with a sorry mess.
Tears were tricking down her wide, round, bloodshot eyes. She was choking back a series of sobs.
It wasn't the second time I'd seen her like this.
This was the first and the only time I had seen her cry.
She didn't have to say it. She didn't have to say anything. Yet, somehow I could still hear those words so clearly. Words that resounded, echoed, with absolute proximity. Words that made me want to twist my own guts inside out.
Before I knew it, Liz shot up and stormed out of the room. The bathroom door slammed shut with a bang. I closed my eyes and used my palms to push against them as hard as I could—hard enough so that they'd go blind, so that it would all disappear.
She stayed in that bathroom and gagged.
The thunders murmured in the distance.
Then the world became very quiet.