Sunday / March - 15 - 2015
Peter barely managed to get himself out of the water; crawling with all fours while taking off his tainted mask so he could breathe after staying inside the water for who-knows how long.
He tried to take a deep breath, but he soon found that he couldn't.
For a while after crawling out of the water, Peter's nose and mouth felt clogged with nothing, preventing any air from entering his lungs. He tried to breathe, almost desperately once he felt his head throbbing painfully while he felt his throat spasm.
His face and scleras soon became an unnerving red color, almost turning purple because of how he was choking.
He was left like that for a few moments that almost felt eternal to the boy, until he finally managed to take a deep and much needed breath.
One that immediately turned into ragged sobs in between painful and raw coughs that burned his throat.
But Peter wasn't worried about that little breathing problem.
Not only because of his physical injuries, which were many and spanned all over his body; his head still throbbed by the various hits, the claw marks all over his body seared with pain and his broken arm felt unbearable once all the adrenaline left his body.
*Sob* But because Peter didn't care about that. How could he? All he could physically feel right now is Curt Connors inwards in his right arm.
He can still feel his fist colliding against the solid chest and ribs, turning the man's heart and lungs into mush and then feeling the weight of the man on top of him once he became limp in his arm.
*BRGH* Peter tried to puke again for the nth time that night, but not even bile could come out of him anymore. There wasn't any left. So he just stayed gagging and coughing painfully and pathetically on all fours in the grass, still dripping wet with water and blood while he sobbed.
'I-I'm a murderer…' Peter repeated in his mind again and again as his mind flashed through the events of the night. Not only did he kill Curt, but because of him arriving late, Billy and Martha are also dead.
A whole family is gone because the boy decided to be Peter Parker for a bit longer instead of being Spider-Man.
It's a lesson the boy already knew very well.
When Spider-Man wins, Peter Parker loses.
That has been the case so many times since he started wearing the mask around a year ago that he could honestly not care to keep count of the times he's hurt his friends feelings because of it.
And today he preferred to give himself time with his friends and spend it as Peter. He could have been in there, stopping whatever monstrosity was happening in that house if only he didn't place 'Peter' before Spider-Man.
Peter Parker won, and Spider-Man lost.
And when Spider-Man loses, people die.
But never had it been because Spider-Man had killed anyone. Never until this night. This awful, terrible and disgusting night.
The night where Peter Parker and Spider-Man 'both' broke and betrayed everything they believed and stood for.
As a hero… as the man he was raised and he wanted to become… he betrayed himself.
"…fuck" Peter finally said as his breathing somewhat stabilized, but he could find no better word to say as he cried whatever tears he still had left.
"fuck… Fuck, Fuck! FUCK, GOD FUCKING-!" *AAAAAAARRRGGGHHH* Peter yelled with his forehead pressed roughly on the ground as he banged his arms hard against this one, causing dirt and grass to fly everywhere due to the impact.
He didn't even care how his broken arm stabbed his nerves with pain at the action.
Moments passed where Peter did nothing but feel his whole self tremble uncontrollably while he tried to steady his breathing, still with his forehead pressed roughly against the ground. His mind is a torrent of different thoughts about what he should do next at the moment, forgetting everything else.
'Should I give myself to the police? Should I admit killing Connors? Do I belong in prison? Will I be locked up with my villains?… will my identity be revealed? Then everyone will know me… May, Emma, MJ, Gwen, Harry, Chat… everyone' Peter started to rationalize with dread, seeing the happy and smiling faces of those most important to him flashing through his mind.
He knows that if he gives himself in, then the whole world will know who he is, thus, placing all his loved ones in grave danger. And he won't be able to protect anyone from a jail cell.
If he is arrested - if he confesses to the public what has happened and what he has done, then his life and many others will practically end. He will be responsible for putting everyone he loves in literal mortal danger.
'I… I don't want to be arrested… I can't be' Peter concluded, feeling disgusted at himself at the conclusion he arrived at.
He knows it's hypocritical of him to go out every single day and night of almost a year now while wearing a suit - suit that is meant to be a symbol for something - to beat around men and leave them for the cops to be arrested for less than what he has done.
He knows it's cowardly for him to run away from the truth. To close his eyes and force himself up to stand up and grab his mask… his mask.
Peter snaps his eyes open and looks at the mask, still with some wet blood on its reflective lenses. The mask of Spider-Man, someone who is supposed to be a hero. He… Peter doesn't want to grab the mask. He doesn't feel strong enough.
…but he has to be. He can't leave evidence behind. And Spider-Man's mask, with both his blood and Connors on it, is prime evidence to everything that has happened.
So, hesitatingly, he picks up that piece of clothing and he starts heading home under the shadow of the night, after he also retrieves the file from the bench it was left at.
He knows it's deceitful for everyone around him to pretend after this night that everything is going to continue to be as it was when it's not. To act like he is the same person he was yesterday when he will never be the same after tonight.
And he is scared.
His fear spans over to his very soul and he just wants to get to the safety of the four walls in his bedroom.
He needs to escape the night sky that has been watching over him all this time as he did the thing he had bowed to never do.
….
Peter arrives home and climbs his window as quietly as he possibly can. He's done this more than a hundred times by now, but his injuries make it really hard to not slip up and alert his sleeping aunt.
But he somehow manages to do it.
*RIIIP* Upon entering his room, the very first thing he does is leave the file on his desk, grab his suit with his good arm and rip the costume off of him without much care.
*Guh* It's painful to feel the fabric tearing on his injured body, but it's the only way Peter knows the costume is getting off, as he so desperately needs it to be. With how wet and already ripped it is, it'd take a lot of time, effort and patience to be delicate with it.
And he was all run out of it.
He packs his costume inside an unused backpack he had in the corner of his room to keep his room clean and as away from him as he can, and steps into the shower to clean his wounds and himself.
Quietly, without making much noise and without looking at himself on any reflective surface.
He can't bear the idea of looking at himself right now.
Inside the shower, Peter wonders why he doesn't cry anymore. He was expecting to do it. To drop and cry inconsolably once again, but instead he stays silent with his head hung low while staring at nothing, trying to think of nothing.
'…I'm… sorry' But Connors' last 'words' hammer at his brain again and again. Because he apologized to Peter. He locked eyes with him and he tried to say the word Peter hates most in his life.
Peter killed him; rammed his fist through his chest and Curt Connors response was to thank him and then apologize for it. Apologize for everything he did and what he 'forced' Peter to do.
'I'm… sorry'
Sorry.
That word. That fucking word that has been haunting him ever since he was a little kid. Word that wants to convey so much regret to someone that has been wronged and yet means so little - no, it means nothing to him. Nothing other than the very fact that something wrong has been made.
Apologies… justifications, pleas, pities… regrets… These are not things one says - things one cries out to try and make a horrible situation just a little bit better. Not to Peter. These are things that you feel, that you live with, that you carry with yourself every single day for the rest of your life.
Whether you're the one who caused the pain or not.
Just like Peter is going to carry with the guilt and regret he is currently feeling. Forever.
'Sorry'
"How I fucking hate… that word" Peter only manages to mutter weakly with gritted teeth as he closes his eyes tightly as to try and feel any tears he might have but are not showing for some reason; all while he feels the pain from the water hitting at his wounds.
He is a murderer, he doesn't deserve or wants an apology from the one he killed. But he can't force himself to say or do anything after he mutters that.
He doesn't have the energy to do much anyway.
So he stands in the shower for god knows how long as he holds his broken forearm in the other hand; feeling his stomach still lurching without anything in it.
He feels broken. Physically, mentally, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually.
Utterly… Broken.
————
Hours Later
6:30 A.M.
Tragedy.
"What word is better used than 'tragedy' after a small family was burned to death in the middle of the night?" The news reporter said much to May's surprise, who turned the on Tv early in the Sunday morning while grabbing her needles and yarn.
It's not unusual in New York to hear that some sort of disaster happened. But this is not what she would have expected to hear first thing in the morning in her living room. So she stops doing her embroidery to focus on the screen and find out better what the news are saying now.
"That's right folks, it's just as you heard it. The family, which included a small 10 year old, were woken up from their sleep by flames originating from their kitchen.
And the patriarch of the family was no other than Curtis Connors, man that had turned into the fearsome monster known as the 'The Lizard', which causes many to ask if this was caused because of yet another incident related to the serum that originally turned him into that student-attacking monster.
Now, many might believe that it is not a coincidence that as soon as he is released from prison to be placed in house arrest, something like this happens - but the authorities have already proven that he did not leave his home according to his ankle monitor and his remains show no sign of being mutated into The Lizard.
Unfortunately for those who remain skeptical on the matter, the power lines fell due to the fire that same night, causing a black out that rendered all cameras around the house to be completely unusable at the time needed the most.
So, what do you, dear watcher, think of what happened that awful-?" Just then, May turned the Tv off, having heard enough of the reporter because she remembers the man they are talking about perfectly.
He is one of the men that Peter wanted to work under, but this one ended up working as a teacher at his high school, where he and that masked vigilante placed every student, including her nephew and his friends, in very real danger.
She doesn't like the man because of how he threatened Peter's and his classmates lives. But to die in a fire together with his wife and ten year old? It was disturbing and heartbreaking to hear.
"They… fire?" Peter suddenly asks from behind his aunt, startling her a little bit. It's very unusual for Peter to be up so early in a Sunday morning, as well as it is weird for him to creep up on her like that.
Turning around she found Peter with a horrified expression, bags under his eyes and his hair made a mess.
He looks rough, under more layers of clothing than the weather deemed necessary while holding his left arm weakly with the right one, as though it hurt. His attention solely on the now turned off Tv, almost as if calculating something he didn't quite wanted to in his head.
What May couldn't have possibly known is that he actually looked far better than he did a few hours ago. And most disturbingly of all, he actually felt relieved.
It made him sick of himself, but not hearing anything about Spider-Man or Connors being proven leaving his house as a monster being on Tv filled his entire being with relief.
Sickening, self-hating and comforting relief.
"Oh sweetie, come here" May said as she stood up and went to hug her nephew, who for some reason didn't return the gesture and instead tensed at her touch.
May thought that perhaps the news was so impactful for him since he looked like he didn't get a wink of sleep. It wasn't surprising though, May is sure that Peter must have an issue with death given everyone around him that has left him - and listening to something like this happen to a man he looked up to can't be good for him.
When in reality, Peter wasn't comfortable enough to hug May because of what he had done. Just a few hours ago, Peter was bathed in the blood of the man he k… of the man he killed.
And now here he is, with his loving aunt hugging him as though he was still the same kid she knew.
"Everything will be alright" May said softly as she rubbed Peter's back in a soothing manner. Not knowing that things were in fact not going to be okay.
'If they aren't blaming Spider-Man, then that means no one saw me there. No one will blame me' Peter thought to himself as he stood still in his aunt's embrace, trying to not make it obvious that he wants to end the contact as soon as he can with her.
For her sake.
'But I know better…' Peter kept thinking, still unsure of what he should do. He decided he wouldn't give himself to the police due to his secret identity, which perhaps is only the move of a scared coward.
But what about May?
His sweet and religious aunt that despises any idea of violence is now hugging a dangerous murderer.
And Peter hates that.
'I-I've lied enough to her' Peter thinks as he separates May from himself by her left shoulder; his right hand trembling slightly as he struggles to keep eye contact with his mother figure 'she-she deserves the truth… she n-needs to know I-'.
"Peter?" Asks a worried May at her nephew's attitude and appearance while he tries and fails to articulate his words, clearly distraught at the news. So much so, that his eyes reddened with what appears to be signs of him wanting to cry.
Something she hadn't seen him do since what happened to Ben.
"Aunt M-May, I… y-you need to kn-know…I-I… I'm-" Peter started rambling with a broken voice, struggling to keep any sobs from getting out. He doesn't really know what or how to say the words he feels are necessary to convey everything he wants to reveal.
Spider-Man, Ben, Connors… Peter has lied for almost a year now about almost everything to his aunt, and she deserves the truth. She deserves to know who he really is.
*RING RING*
But Peter's cell phone suddenly started ringing, interrupting him from speaking. He turns around and looks at the kitchen's door, remembering that's where he left his phone last night before leaving.
Recognizing Peter's ringtone and seeing his hesitation, May cupped Peter's right cheek and forced him to look at her "It's probably one of your friends, sweetie. You should answer and talk with them".
"W-what?" Peter asks as his heart skips a beat, not understanding why someone would call him right now or why would he have to answer them.
"Your phone? Someone is calling you" May explains with confusion of her own, not understanding why Peter looked and reacted that way.
"N-no. Aunt May, I'm-I'm trying to tell you something here" Peter said as he groaned a little bit, annoyed to be having this distraction.
He has something really important to tell his aunt, which will lead to the worst talk he's had with her in forever can't be distracted right now.
Unfortunately for him, his aunt doesn't know it.
"I know sweetie. But losing your teacher may be rough on whoever is talking to you and you need to be strong for them. For both of you" May says with security and a warm, encouraging smile; feeling proud of her baby boy for being so reliable as to be someone his friends search for comfort in their hour of need.
Oh, how proud May Parker is of Peter and the strength of his heart and mind. He may look rough now, but she knows it's not easy for someone who has been through so much death and loss in life to be as bright and kind-hearted as he is.
Even after everything that Peter has been through with his parents and Ben, he is still the same little ball of sunshine that came crashing into her life one unprompted day.
… oh, how she wishes she was the same.
Because hearing about death, paired with Peter's current broken face… it brings her back to when Ben died. And she… she can't deal with that very well. Not like how Peter does.
Because she is not as 'strong' as he is.
Peter however widens his eyes and takes one step away from her; staring dumbly at her for a few seconds as her words hit him harder than he would have expected them to. He knows May means good, and she wants the best for him.
She has always wanted only the best of him. And in fact, it wasn't Ben who taught Peter 'strength', it was May. Because Peter has spent most of his life seeing how his loving aunt would push aside most of her grief and sadness in order to help people.
But…
'You need to be strong for them'
…Isn't he always?
Doesn't he always pretend to be strong enough to carry everything on his shoulders while he forces a smile on his face? Isn't he literally killing himself every single night because he needs to be strong for the city's sake? Can't he get a break from being strong?
Doesn't he deserve to be weak once in a while?
Doesn't he deserve to be weak now?
At least in front of her?
Peter wants to tell this to his aunt, yell it at her together with everything he was planning on saying. But he doesn't. How could he? She doesn't know how strong he is; how strong he pretends to be. So she can't possibly know that her words hurt him deeply.
And Peter knows that his strength in pretending he's fine all the time is the main reason she doesn't know.
Yet again, Peter suffers because of his own actions.
So he nods lamely and says while wiping his eyes clean "Y-you're right… I'll uh, I'll see who it is and how I can help".
To which May simply nods with a pleased smile, happy and proud of her boy.
But Peter actually feels like he is dying. He betrayed his morals, his principles, the lessons his uncle and aunt taught him over most of his life.
He destroyed himself because of what he did to a man - to a family he liked.
And his aunt is asking him to help others. Just like he always does. Like every single day, no matter how hard it is for him. And today is the hardest it has ever been for him to pretend he is strong enough to handle this.
Then again, she isn't the one at fault.
Because it is not only Peter's strength that keeps May from knowing the burden of Peter's life, but also his cowardice.
He's afraid to be honest with her.
And it's that fear and cowardice that makes him take the first excuse he has to leave the conversation he was planning on having with her and practically run away from her and the truth.
He reaches the kitchen and he feels his heart sink a little at the sight of Emma's ID.
The only person in the world who knows he is Spider-Man (as far as he knows) and also knows he went to the Connors' residence.
If there was someone in the entire world who could get to the conclusion that he was involved in the family's death, it's her.
'S-shit, shit…!' Peter thinks to himself frightened as he grabs his phone and bolts to his room, much to May's now confused face.
*Phew* "C-calm down Peter, j-just… calm down" Peter says out loud for himself as he locks himself in his room, debating with himself if he should answer or not.
There are many things that could go wrong if he answers and he doesn't know what to say or how to act. But at the same time, he wants to talk with Emma oh so desperately and try to make himself not be seen as a monster by her.
While thinking that, he accidentally pressed the button to accept the call. The only thing he can think is 'SHIT!'
"H- *Ahem* H-hi Emmy, how-" Peter started talking, trying and failing to keep his tone casual.
"Peter?! Are you okay?!" But was interrupted by a very worried sounding Emma from the other side of the phone.
"…" and Peter didn't know how to answer her worry. He knew what he wanted to say, but there is no way in hell Peter is telling his loving girlfriend he cares oh so much about.
'No, Emma. I'm very fucking far from being okay'
There's just no way he'll ever tell her something like that. So he stays quiet, breathing a little too heavily on the phone while trying to figure out what exactly he can say.
"…Peter?!" Emma asked once again.
————
With Emma
So far, Emma was having an okay day.
She was forced to wake up early which is something she doesn't really like to do, but her whole family is of the mentality of 'time is money'. And as long as she is in the luxurious villa her family is staying in she plans to make the most of it.
That's why she met with her brother Christian to enjoy the Villa's private chef for a quick breakfast while their parents went off to do whatever they might be doing with her father's associates in the island before they leave later that day.
In the small but rather luxurious restaurant is where she got the news of what happened.
*PING* Christian's phone pinged with a notification in the middle of breakfast. But since he was alone with Emma, he allowed himself to read the text, hoping to hear from his boyfriend.
And it was in fact his boyfriend, but instead of texting him something nice, the text read 'Oh my god, isn't that the scientist that became a monster?' next to a link to a news article.
"Something wrong?" Asked Emma at the way her brother's face morphed from an easy smile to a worried expression.
"I think… oh god" Christian mutters as he reads the article; his face showing more and more shock as he keeps on reading, making Emma more curious as each second passes.
"What is it? What happened?" Asked Emma as she looks at her brother more intently.
Christian looks at her for a second too long and then starts explaining the article "It seems like yesterday - around midnight - there was a fire in a neighborhood from the city that claimed the lives of a family of three. The fire was so strong that it must've caused an explosion or something since the street the house was in was left a mess".
"Oh. That's awful…" Emma said, feeling sorry for the family, but not as much as her brother seems to be.
"Yeah, apparently the fire started in the kitchen and the whole house was brought to the ground…" Christian says as he looks at Emma reaction to see her reaction. Who just furrows her brows at the news as she starts eating again.
What happened is horrible, but if Emma is not attached to those people or even knows them, so it's hard for her to feel the way her brother seems to be feeling.
All the news are always filled with tragedy and pain, more so in recent times with all the super villains that seem to like destroying everything they touch, so she can't allow herself to be affected by such news.
The heartbreak wouldn't end otherwise. So she feels sad, but not enough for Emma to lose her appetite.
"Yeah, it is" Christian agreed slowly "The family that was… y'know, was your friend's teacher, Curt Connors. The one you told me that turned into a monster".
He remembers when all schools had a two week break due to the monster known as The Lizard attacking a high school called Midtown, in which Emma told him that it was the same school that her friend Chat attends.
*Cling* Sounded from the plate of Emma as she let go of her fork. Her heart skipped a beat with immense shock and her stomach sank with dread while she went over her conversation with Peter yesterday after a few flashes of the older man teaching her with a smile on his face.
"Dr. Connors is…? I-I see. That's really…" Emma struggled to find the words to show her sympathy for the older man because of how sudden the moment was.
Peter had told her that he would go patrol around tue city for a while and then check on Connors from afar. Given the time his aunt goes to sleep and his usual patrol time, he must have arrived just when the house fell.
And if he was there when the house came down, he would undoubtedly go to try and help them. Emma is confident in Peter's strength and power; she's seen it first hand.
And she also knows that there is no way in hell that Peter would just leave them to their luck if he was around.
So if the family died - which is an absolutely terrible thing to hear - something must've happened with Peter as well.
"D-does it say there if any of the many heroes of the city tried to help them?" Asked Emma, struggling to keep her voice from trembling a little bit.
Christian started scrolling for a few seconds, which Emma felt like hours. Until he finally told her "No… it only says that the authorities were late to arrive due to the hour and the power going out. Nothing suggests that any hero was there".
"Hmm… well, if you'll excuse me, I have a phone call to make. No doubt the news will come out as a shock to Chat" Emma said as she leaves her seat rather desperately in Christian's eyes.
"…" Christian said nothing as he watched his sister flee the restaurant. He felt like the news hit her slightly more than he thought they would.
'That Chat girl must've really liked that teacher' Christian mused to himself as he started writing back to his boyfriend.
….
"Pick up, pick up, pick up…" she mutters out loud again and again to herself in her room, pacing around it while waiting for Peter to answer her call.
When finally, he answered "H- *Ahem* H-hi Emmy, how-".
Emma noticed immediately that his voice sounded tired and rough, despite how he tried very badly to conceal it. Her alarms went off at that, so she couldn't help but interrupt him.
"Peter?! Are you okay?!" She practically screamed at her phone, desperately wanting to get an answer.
"…" but he stood quiet. His breathing getting heavier was the only thing that she could listen to.
"Peter?!" She asked again, a bit more loudly this time.
"I…I'm okay, but… I was too late, Emma. I-I… didn't know…" Peter started trying to explain himself, clearly feeling guilt over what happened.
"P-Peter, what… Mr. Connors… W-What happened?" Emma found herself feeling frustrated at the fact that Peter sounded so… sad. And she wasn't anywhere around for him.
But still, the curious and grieving part of herself found a sliver of comfort to actually hear Peter, which told her that he was at least fine enough to answer her - and prompted her to ask for her teacher's life and family.
He was… Emma has not had a good relationship with teachers. Even leaving out what happened with her former crush, Mr. Ian. But Curt was a good one.
A good teacher and even perhaps a friend.
Someone that Emma finds herself looking up to, even if a little bit, since her childhood dream job has always been to be a teacher herself. To hear he died is… it's difficult.
"I was too late… I - when I arrived he had already… G-God his family - t-they were already g-gone and the fire… I couldn't have k-know, I-I didn't… " Peter was clearly not in the right state of mind. His voice is rough and strained and Emma had the feeling that he hasn't had a wink of sleep yet.
"Peter, sweetie, I need you to take a deep breath, okay?" Emma commanded while trying to keep her own voice composed, at least for his sake.
"I-I dont… I can't-" Peter stammered, but was quickly interrupted by Emma.
"Peter, darling? I know you have much in your head right now but please take a deep breath and try to calm down" Emma commands again, this time with her voice growing softer and more caring "can you do that? For me?".
"…Y-yes, of course, Emmy" Peter said after taking a deep breath, making Emma smile despite her own feelings of grief for her teacher.
"Thanks" Emma thanks him for listening to her, but her expression quickly changed as she asked "So Mr. Connors and his family…?"
"… yeah, they are- they are gone" Peter replied as he calmed down - even if just a little bit. If it weren't for all the thoughts running wild on Peter's mind, he would be amazed by the way Emma's voice soothes him.
… that, and everything he went through plus the blood loss really took all the energy out of him.
'I shouldn't have asked him what happened' Emma scolded herself mentally as she heard Peter's tone. Whatever happened that night, the outcome was clear.
Plus, she heard enough from Peter already and the answer was obvious; it was just as she concluded moments before - Peter arrived to see the fire and it was already too late for him to do anything.
But Peter started trying to explain what happened by himself.
"I arrived at his house like half an hour before midnight or so… w-when I got there the first thing I noticed was the smoke and… a-and I… then I… t-they were being-" Peter rambled a little bit until he got to the ugly part, where Emma interrupted him.
"No, Peter, please. You-you don't have to explain what happened to me. It was… wrong of me to ask that" Emma corrected herself, slightly ashamed of making him do so "I was just… I was just worried that you were injured or something, because I was sure you tried to help".
"… Emma, I-I think I should really explain what happened. At least… a-at least to you" Peter said, sounding really unsure of himself. Like he was forcing himself really hard to say those words to Emma.
And that warmed her heart.
It makes her feel special to know that Peter confides in her the way he does. That after reading his mind, Peter has not felt the need to keep secrets or any kind of information from her.
He obviously doesn't tell her everything, everything. But anytime Emma wants to know something and she asks Peter, he will undoubtedly tell her.
And that makes her feel kinda scummy because she does keep a few secrets from him. Mainly the way her powers to get what she wants.
Like messing with Mary Jane's and Gwen's mind - amongst other things she has found a use for her abilities.
But it's that trust that Peter has in Emma that she feels like she doesn't need to force Peter to tell her what happened. She knows he is going to be feeling guilty for what happened, it's how he is after all, and he will most likely freak out and think she is going to hold some contempt over him not being able to save the family.
Which is absurd to Emma. He shouldn't feel guilty for this.
"It's fine, darling, really. You don't have to force yourself to do it" Emma explained carefully "I already understood that you came late and by the time you arrived Dr. Connors and his family were already… by the fire. I understand that".
————
With Peter
'…what?' Peter thinks dumbly to himself as he listens to Emma say she knows what happened. But what she is saying happened is not true.
He arrived to see the wife and kid of Connors torn apart by his monstrous form, not consumed by fire. And the man himself died literally by Peter's hand.
'I don't… she must've misunderstood me because of the news' Peter figured with a mental groan. It was obvious that Emma had heard about what happened from some article she must've seen and called him almost immediately afterwards.
And the way he spoke about what happened didn't actually matter since he hadn't said anything of importance yet.
He only mentioned him arriving too late and the fire.
So due to the authorities not knowing what really happened thanks to the state of the corpse - which was completely human - the ankle bracelet not showing he went outside, and his dumb way of talking, Emma didn't figure anything out.
…is that for the best? For Emma not to know what happened? If he already kept it from May, would keeping it from Emma be any worse?
'… I was going to tell her, I really was. But…' Peter thought as all the courage he had gathered to tell her the truth vanished from him; replaced by doubt.
He started to rationalize how stupid it would be to admit murder over the phone, and how it would sound to Emma if he admitted to what happened.
'No, what actually happened is that Connors turned into The Lizard, killed and ate his family, then I killed him and left his house to be burned so that my tracks are covered' It was way more complicated than that and he didn't just left the house to burn so that no one knew he was there.
But it can certainly appear to be that way. And Emma is smart, incredibly so, she would reach that conclusion or a worse one.
Perhaps she would even be afraid of Peter. And why wouldn't she? How is she supposed to, let alone date, look him in the eye after what he did?
But let's scratch that and say Emma is so open minded and in love with him that she doesn't care that he is now the murderer of someone they both know.
Does Peter want to share the burden of the truth with Emma? To tell her how horrifying it was for him to see what Connors did? To share his feelings on what he did and how much he is hating himself right now?
…No.
Peter doesn't want to do any of that.
Peter genuinely wanted to tell Emma; to keep their relationship 'secret-free' so that he would never make her cry again like he did when she found out he had been keeping his secret identity from her.
But he won't tell her this. He can't.
If she thinks she knows the truth, then why correct her? What good could that possibly do for either of them?
*Sigh* 'God - how I wish she stays out of my mind like she promised' Peter thought shamefully as he sits on his bed with a loud sigh that Emma can hear from the other side of the phone.
He is not going to give himself in. He is not going to tell May. He is not going to tell Emma.
He won't tell anyone this ever happened.
Like the secretive liar he knows himself to be.
But if Emma reads his mind, learns what happened and sees that Peter decided to keep this away from her, then…
Let's just hope that doesn't happen.
"Are you injured?" Emma asks after hearing him sigh. No doubt she knows he jumped into the fire to try and help however he could, so he can't simply say 'no'. She's too smart for that.
"… yeah, somewhat. Nothing too serious, really-" Peter tried making excuses, but was quickly caught by her.
"Don't give me that. How injured are you?" Emma asks again, this time sounding somewhat sternly.
"…Alright, alright. I have several scrapes all over, I think I got a mild concussion and I definitely broke my left arm" Peter said sheepishly and tiredly. Embarrassed of telling his girlfriend his injuries as if he was a child in the nurse's office.
"Jesus, Peter…" Emma mumbles with worry clear in her voice "have you… have you had any sleep since?"
"Of course not. How could I possibly sleep after what happened?" Peter asks with discomfort, already knowing that he is bound to have problems sleeping for the foreseeable year in the minimum.
"Peter, you need to sleep to recover" she reminded him with her voice soft and even almost maternal "You told me yourself that sleeping is the best way you have to heal wounds".
"Y-yeah, but-" Peter tried arguing, but was interrupted by Emma.
"Plus, you haven't slept in almost an entire day. Tomorrow we have school and you said you didn't want to go with injuries" Emma kept pressing on.
*Ugh* "I don't think… I don't really think I can go to sleep, Emma" Peter admitted as he groaned "God, I must sound so pathetic".
"It's not pathetic darling, it must've been… a lot. So why don't you just sleep and tomorrow I'll see you, okay? For me?" Emma asked again with that soft and caring voice she knows Peter to be weak to.
Her worry clear in her voice relaxed Peter to a level that he didn't think was possible anymore; like he thought, even if for a fleeting moment, he would not have the opportunity to do so ever again.
"Y'know, it's unfair if you keep using that strategy. You know you'll always win" Peter said while managing to form a small smile on his face - the first real one of the day - while laying flat on his bed.
He would be lying if he said he wasn't exhausted. The battle, blood loss and mental fatigue was too much.
"I do know actually, that's why I use it" she answers proudly; both at the fact that she knows that she managed to make him smile from his tone alone and that he is willing to do anything if she is involved.
Even if it's something he should be doing for himself, like taking care of his health.
"Well… if you truly don't think it's pathetic, c-can I ask you for something?" Peter said somewhat embarrassed as he placed his phone next to his face on speaker so that he could stop holding it with his hand.
"Anything" Emma agreed easily.
"Can you talk until I fall asleep? I… I know it may sound weird but… I don't want to be… I don't…" Peter struggled to find the words to say this due to his embarrassment. But what he wants to say is that he doesn't want to be alone.
He hates the feeling.
Loneliness.
Ever since he was a little kid with nightmares flooding his every dream, some about things he couldn't even comprehend yet, he hated feeling alone.
And he knows it's pathetic, selfish, cowardly and all the cruel words Peter can think of using to describe himself but he just doesn't want to close his eyes and feel like he is back in that basement.
He knows he'll feel… powerless.
Luckily for Peter, Emma smiled brightly from the other side of Peter's phone. Peter Parker, boy genius with the secret of him being the powerful Spider-Man was depending on her of all people to make his dreams sweet.
She doesn't think it's weird at all. After all, she can't imagine what he must've felt going into a burning house and seeing their teacher together with his family burnt alive while the house comes crashing down on him.
If he was as injured as he told Emma, which she knows he's keeping the severity of them to himself to not worry her, then the house most likely fell on him. Or at least part of it.
And it sounds horrific.
To see a man Peter considered a role model and a friend dead together with his family in such a brutal manner, it would obviously be too much for anyone.
And his heart must be aching terribly knowing he couldn't save them. If Emma is extremely saddened by the news, mostly so because in an indirect manner, she owes her relationship to the older man and the fact that a kid was a casualty too, she can't imagine how Peter must be feeling.
And he's counting on her to make him feel at ease.
To Peter, her voice and attention are enough to forget all the troubles the world throws his way. And she loves that she knows that, and that she feels the same way.
It makes her feel like it's their love language.
As long as they are both looking at each other, really seeing one another as they truly are beneath all masks and secrets, she knows everything will be alright.
And so, despite the grim news and mood, Emma started retelling Peter how her dinner went last night in the fancy french restaurant, and how she now has to plan a date for the two of them where they go together to one so that she can teach Peter French cuisine.
Peter falls asleep fairly easily and quickly, not listening to even a quarter of the things Emma is saying. But she knows this and she doesn't care.
She's content knowing Peter sought after her for comfort, just as she would've had asked of him. Just as he would've given her.
————
Hours Later
Peter was more exhausted than he thought he was.
He spent hours upon hours sleeping off his wounds and exhaustion. According to the phone record, Emma kept speaking to him even after he dozed off for about an hour and a half, to which he would need to repay her for tenfold in the least.
He was awoken by Gwen's phone call, letting him know in between her sobs what transpired that fateful night. And despite his role in it, he started consoling the girl to the best of his abilities.
He also talked with MJ, Harry and Chat. Each varying in their levels of distress, and his ability to keep himself from crumbling down in tears was becoming harder to keep with each passing moment.
The same conversation over and over about how messed up, sad and unfortunate it was what happened and how Gwen must be feeling awful for losing her former bosses like that so suddenly.
Peter could only agree lamely as he shared his own mournings with his friends. Lying to them about how this came as a surprise to him as well.
His shame, as amazing as it sounds, grows to a greater degree when he realizes how easily it has become for him to lie to those closest to him.
*RING RING*
Eventually, he also got a call from his aunt May, which threw him off a little bit since he thought she too was home.
"Hello?" Asks Peter with confusion as he answers.
"Oh, good, Peter, you're awake. I wanted to let you know that there was a problem at FEAST and I volunteered to come. I believe it's important to show the community we are strong after what happened yesterday. Unfortunately I won't be home until late night, so I left you some food on the table" May started explaining with her apologetic voice.
She clearly wanted to stay home - at least for today, but her sense of duty is strong. At least that's what Peter thinks .
And for her part, May knows that Peter is the type of person that handles grief better when he's alone, so she didn't see much of a problem to be at FEAST now. Something she needed after the news to distract from it.
And what she thinks of Peter's way in handling grief is actually true.
He prefers being alone with his thoughts - at least, that's how he is used to handling his grief - more so now that he is afraid to look his loving and religious aunt in the eye and pretend like he did not commit one of the worst sins there is while they break bread together under her roof.
So once again, Peter feels that revolting sense of relief that makes him sick of himself.
Unfortunately for Peter, the idea of eating anything is nauseating after what he witnessed just a couple of hours ago. But he can't deny himself of food, much less now that he is still injured and he emptied everything his stomach had the day before.
So he walks down the stairs while he asks his aunt what was wrong at FEAST and opens the lid on the Tupperware left for him at the table.
And he immediately takes a step back to stop himself from gagging out loud.
Inside the container rests a simple dish of spaghetti and meatballs. A comfort meal that his aunt has been making for him ever since he started living with her all those years ago.
Now however, he can only see the remains of Martha's and Billy's bodies while gazing at the red mess of salsa and noodles. The smell of the cooked meat is almost the same as the smell of both their burnt corpses. As if May had somehow grabbed the exact way the house smelled due to Martha's and Billy's skin, muscles, tissue and body fat and placed it inside the container.
"You like it? I know it's one of your favorites!" May said, trying to sound excited from the other side of the phone with paper rustling around her.
"Y-yeah, May, of course. Thanks!" Pete tried his hardest to sound as excited as he would've been any other day.
It was hard for him, but Peter started scolding himself for being so…so pathetic 'God damn it, Peter. It's just food - Damn it!'
Peter thinks as he takes a seat and a fork and starts picking up his food. He hesitates before taking a bite, but he powers through whatever fucked up thing is going on inside his head and takes a bite.
"So? How is it?" May asked, keen on knowing if she at least managed to make her nephew feel better with her cooking. Even if it's just a little.
"Oh, May, it's…" * SLAP - BLGH* Peter started saying after swallowing his bite, but he had to slap his mouth to keep himself from puking "… delicious…".
"I'm glad, sweetie. Now listen, I have to go to deal with this right here, but I'll be home soon, okay?" May said as Peter could hear her walking around.
"Sure, May. Take your time and be safe" Peter said weakly as he tried to keep his voice from trembling.
"Love you!" May shouted as she hung up.
"Yeah… love you too" Peter muttered as he let go of his phone and focused entirely on his meal.
Peter grabbed another forkful and ate it with difficulty and trembling hands. His face became slightly redder than before as his stomach lurched with each chew he made.
'Out of all my fights…. a fucking plate of spaghetti' Peter thinks pathetically as he entertains the idea of giving up on eating the plate.
But he doesn't. Peter fights against all that is going on in his head and his feelings as he keeps on eating. The only things he can't fight are his trembling hand and the single tear that ran down his left cheek without his consent.
*eeeuuughh* Peter whimpers pathetically as he takes another bite, causing a tear to run down his cheek, with more tears, similar to that one, threatening to do the same. And he feels like he wants to quit eating… but he can't.
As always, he keeps going.
…
… but can he? Can he keep going? At least when it comes to being a hero… can he keep going as Spider-Man after he failed? After what he did?
He needs to come to a decision.
A life changing one…
One that he reached the moment he crawled out of the water from that park and took his mask off.
————
Hours Later
*RUMBLE*
Peter steps outside from his house to the cool breeze of the night as small droplets of rain start to fall out of the sky while wearing his civilian's clothes and his ruined Spider-Man suit on his backpack.
Usually, it would be the other way around, but the mere thought of putting his spare costume on made Peter sick to his very core.
Walking through his neighborhood, Peter started wondering why he even wore his mask in the first place - what mistakes he made that led to his uncle's demise, making him take an oath to be a hero.
To save everyone he can with his powers, to use them responsibly and do as much good as he can with them.
And a key element of that promise was that he would not kill. Not under any circumstance. Never.
Because he knows he is not someone with any right to decide over someone's life. He doesn't have that kind of authority, power, obligation or responsibility.
He is just your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, the hero that helps everyone.
But now? Now he is sullied. Tainted with the blood of a man he used to look up to. That Peter considered a friend.
He betrayed his uncle's memory, his aunt's teachings, his own morals and the sanctity of his own promise by doing something terrible and wrong.
'Impaling someone with my own hand…' Peter thinks; scared of himself and the things he knows he can do. He's known he is incredibly dangerous since gaining his powers, but he's never even thinked of acting on them quite like this.
He knows how easy it would be to kill just about anyone if he so desired. But he doesn't. Why would he? He's not some kind of demented psychopath that goes around on a killing spree.
He's just a kid that was cursed with power.
And now he has been witness to what that power can do when used irresponsibly - when he allows himself to be overpowered by anger and fear.
Peter can make arguments in his head all day and all night long about how he didn't mean to do what he did. He was shocked, scared, angry, confused, concussed and Connors just wouldn't shut up with his request for Peter to end his life. It would be so easy for Peter to blame Connors.
And in some part, he does…
But Peter is not coward enough to think himself to be clean of any guilt.
At the end of the day, a man is dead, and it was Peter the one that killed him.
And all while wearing his costume no less. Costume that was supposed to symbolize hope and safety for the people he was trying to help.
But how can he wear that mask knowing the sin he committed?
'I-I cant…' Peter figured as he stepped into a dark alleyway in between to large buildings after some hours of him wandering through the cold and rainy night.
'I just… I can't… I can't be Spider-Man anymore' Peter concludes grimly while throwing his backpack with his suit to the trash. The only thing he kept in his hands is his mask.
The lenses, barely reflecting Peter, showed the failure and sadness the boy felt in his heart. His eyes shined almost brightly with unshed tears as he caressed the fabric. Perhaps holding it for the very last time.
Closing his eyes tightly, Peter looks up and considers his decision one more time. He… Peter wishes it wouldn't end here, and he still has his doubts about what he is doing… but he simply takes a shaky breath in and exhaling it out softly.
"Goodbye… Spider-Man" the boy mutters as he throws the mask to the trash, leaving it halfway through - just outside enough for this one to have one lense be witness of how his owner disappears into the rainy night.
The boy felt his eyes water again as he walked away from his suit. Because it wasn't just that, it isn't just some suit. It's a part of him.
Spider-Man is as real for the boy as 'Peter' is - he's felt that since the moment he was bitten. But he… he can't. How can he? Perhaps he needs someone to tell him how he can keep being Spider-Man after what he did.
He needs someone to tell him! He needs reassurance from someone that he isn't the one to blame! He needs… he needs help…
But there is a lesson he hears in his head again and again when that thought crosses his mind. A lesson given to him by Norman Osborn on the day of Ben's funeral.
'The only help you will ever get, Peter, is yourself' Norman's voice booms in the boy's head each time he thinks of asking someone for help.
Because what help could anyone bring him? What can anyone do now?
The deed is done.
And there is no changing that. No matter how much the boy cries about it, how many people he begs for forgiveness or how many excuses he tries to find in his head, nothing will change the fact.
He is the only help he has, and the advice he has for himself is to stop being Spider-Man, even if it's a piece of his very being.
And so, with a heavy heart, he does.
The boy leaves the rainy street - and who he is - behind him.
….
The boy climbs to his room once again, much like he did the night before to not alert his aunt. This time however, he wasn't in any hurry to clean himself or anything.
He wasn't in a hurry to do something- anything at all. He just felt numb. It was the first night in almost a year that he knew Spider-Man wouldn't be out at night doing what he is supposed to be doing.
Every single night since he made the promise to use his powers for good, he had gone out to the city to do whatever he can to help - even if a little bit - the citizens of his beloved city be safe.
But not tonight. Tonight this… boy, just finds himself not knowing what to do now. His eyes scan all over his room, noticing the projection of who he is to whoever may come in.
He sees some clothes scattered on the ground, his posters of scientist and even some heroes on the walls, some of his favorite childhood toys placed on shelves for him to still smile at the sight of, he sees the door to his bathroom open - place he used just before he went out to clean his wounds once again.
They were almost all healed - except for his broken arm - but he still wanted to avoid an infection… despite everything.
He sees his closet, where the spare suit he has in case the main one is unavailable rests hidden still…
And finally, his eyes land on his desk, where Connors' file lies still. Waiting patiently to see what the boy decides to do with it.
He knows he should destroy it - the thing that caused all this trouble and has the potential to cause even more if used incorrectly. The thing that materializes the connection the boy has to the act he committed last night.
Rock solid proof that what happened was as real as he is.
He walks over to his desk, running his index and middle finger over the cover delicately. He opens the file, and gives a quick read to the cursed thing, only to close it once again, walk to his bed where he sits down on the side while throwing the thing on the ground without much care.
And he just stares at it.
The boy cups both his hands over his mouth and nose with his elbows resting on his thighs while staring at the file on the ground, illuminated only by whatever light comes from outside his window.
And all he can feel is regret and doubt while looking at the last work of a scientist he - used to - admire.
Did he do the right thing in not giving himself up to the authorities? In not telling the truth to his aunt? To Emma? To any of his friends?
Was throwing his torn Spider-Man costume the trash behind an old and used clothes store a good idea? Is it the right move to suddenly disappear as a hero without letting anyone know? Would any of his heroic friends notice? What would happen if they did?
… was it the right call to quit being Spider-Man? Something he 'knows' is part of his very real self? Is that what the Connors family would have wanted him to do?
The boy doesn't know. He is not sure of anything. Right now, in the darkness of his room, he just stares at that cursed file while his mind is a swarm of so many different things.
And he feels numb because of it all.
And beyond that, all he feels is regret and doubt because of what he's done.
Because of the choices he's made.