"What's the matter princess, you look like a ghost" ace asks as he saw me sat down on sofa,placing my palms against my face,my hairs are rough as i haven't applied oil for few days,i removes my palms,lifts my face to look at him through my light grey eyes
"Nothing,i am worried for my exam"
Ryan spoke
"You can ask us anything"
I sighs,they may be worried as I'm all sitting at one spot all the day long
"It's my bf, he's talking with different girls"
I started saying everything,after listening to me,ryan replies
"Ask for a Break up with that piece of a shit lol,he don't worth it"
"Are you sure, I'm not abusive right?"
"Of course you aren't" ryan's reply pulled out smile from me,i know I'm not abusive but cain's gaslighting words made me doubt myself,that made me pondering wheather I am actually an abusive person or i hurted him unintentionally.
Afterwards,the following evening i started to threaten cain for breaking up with him instead of asking for an actual break up that ryan and i discussed.I deluded myself into thinking he was as afraid of losing me as I was of losing him.
After dinner,Ryan asks
"you look happy, Finally walked away from that toxic relationship?"
"No,he is changed,we made up"
Ryan brows furrowed "he is acting "
"No he is not"
"He's definitely manipulating you,I saw that guy,i don't like him"
"That's because he's middle class you are not feeling good"
"No"
"Yes it is,you complained about that when I told you about him,we are for each other,stay out of it"i unintentionally raised my voice
I walks away with anger,Ryan seem hurt by my reaction,ace pulled him back yet I didn't bother to say sorry because i was angry. next day i realised I did wrong,ryan was not talking with me comfortably,he is hurt,he don't believe me anymore,he discussed about him that day because I asked and i broke that trust out of my insecurity,I was afraid if I listen more to his words i will argue again and my trust or rather delusion on my bf will waver that will create pinholes in the canvas of our perfect bonding, finally i reflect on myself as i felt guilty to face ryan and decided to say sorry but instead of facing directly i texted ryan at the evening
"I'm sorry,I was scared to listen more"
Ryan replied "it's fine"
But the following day the atmosphere remained same,i have come out of my room to take a soft drink,i feels awkward while talking to him so most of the time i avoided him
Ace finally changed the atmosphere,sensing my discomfort and guilt,he decided to lighten the mood with a joke from their past. He flashed a mischievous grin, his eyes twinkling with memories. "Remember when you first tried to sneak out to talk with your... friend on the phone? You were so nervous, you forgot to untie the rope that made up of your pants,you'd used to climb down from your window."
He chuckles, shaking his head at the memory.
"I found you dangling there, the rope tangled around your legs, you whisper-yelling at me to keep quiet. If I hadn't heard you, you could've ended up with a nasty fall."
Ace laughed, the sound warm and genuine."You were so mad at me for stopping you. You kept saying, 'But Ace, I need my privacy,my space' as if that was supposed to make me change my mind."
He reached out, ruffling my hair affectionately."I guess not much has changed, huh? You're still just as stubborn and just as... passionate."
I laughs as well as ryan,ryan feels relieved that ace finally managed to break the ice
"Well, I'm going to study now guys,stay happy"
With that i turns my heel,i felt happy and continue smiling that ace ruffled my hair,he is such an affectionate guy.
Few days later,cain asks for break up,i could not believed i argued with Ryan for this guy,ryan and ace who always protect me not only as a duty but also we have developed a friendly like affection,i was so scared to lose this guy that i was doing whatever to not losing him,i texts from my room
"Hey Ryan, everything just ended"
Ryan didn't replied and opens the door of my room,I was on the floor sobbing down resting my head on the bed,yet looking at the screen if there's any text or call,ryan quickly holds me and pats my head
"It will be fine, you will find someone better"
"I don't think I can move on,i misbehaved you because I was scared to lose him, just imagine the influence he have over me, I don't know if I ever be alive again"
"Don't do anything stupid"
"No I'm not planning to either, people around me will feel hurt but i don't think i will be happy again"
"It's okay,time will heal you"
"I love intensely,i don't think I'll ever heal"i whines, chocked sob coming out in the middle of sentence.
"Stay positive,stay positive"he continues to pat me
As the days passes i said that I'm fine as ryan will continue to say that 'time will heal me,stay strong' but I felt like drowning,these words won't do anything for me in reality,it is not that easy,i continue to sleep more than usual and since there is locked down I spent my remaining time watching series in my room and pretending to study,yet deep down i had hope that he will return,but when half of a month stretched with the no contact situation i accepted that he won't return ever again,i blocked him from everywhere,only thing that remained was my shattered heart,mom had said to focus on studies but if she will hear that I'm unable to focus because of a guy she will be very heartbroken and disappointed that she will discuss this with her mother and sister by conference call and they will pass down this information to their children,i don't think they will stop at critcism but will try to intervene my social life,mom trusts her sister but i don't,mom thinks jealousy is second nature of an woman so she won't harm us because we are blood related,I'm not sure about that,i know she won't cause any deliberate accident either because she is a god believer but i don't trust that she won't harm my reputation to help her daughter climb into best woman radar, because she already tried numerous times that my mom overlooked,for my aunt,she and her children are the main character,who are perfect and always win because god loves them,i don't know if it's delusion or a manipulation for survival,so due to this reason i decided to keep faith in time and hides my pain.