Rick woke up with the distinct feeling that someone had stuffed his brain into a blender, hit puree, and then dumped it back into his skull. Everything hurt in that vague, disorienting way that made him question whether he actually had a body or if he was just a collection of nerve endings that really wished they weren't.
He groaned and tried to sit up, only to realize he was lying on something uncomfortable. Grass, his brain supplied helpfully. Wet grass. Because of course his new fantasy life would start with him lying in a puddle like some kind of rejected protagonist.
"Ugh, why does reincarnation feel like the worst hangover ever?" Rick muttered, finally managing to push himself upright. He blinked a few times, trying to clear his vision, and took in his surroundings.
He was in a forest. A very green, very fantasy-looking forest with trees that were way too tall and leaves that were way too shiny.
The kind of forest that screamed "there are definitely monsters here that want to eat you." Birds chirped in the distance, except they didn't sound like normal birds. They sounded like someone had auto-tuned a parrot and given it an attitude problem.
"Okay, so this is Eternia," Rick said to himself. "Cool. Great. Wonderful. I give it a three stars. Five stars if there's a huge titty elf."
"Now what?"
A cheerful ding echoed in his ear, making him jump. Before he could process what was happening, a glowing card materialized in front of his face. It was the same banana peel card from before, except now it was floating, spinning slowly in the air, and radiating a soft blue light.
Then it spoke. "Good morning, Master Rick!"
"Welcome to your new life! I hope you're ready for an adventure filled with danger, excitement, and a statistically significant chance of painful death!"
Rick stared at the card. The card stared back, or at least he thought it did. It was hard to tell with a rectangular piece of magical cardboard.
"Did you just talk?" Rick asked slowly.
"I did indeed! I am your Card System Assistant, though you can call me Ace if that's easier to remember."
"I'm here to help you navigate your new abilities, provide tactical advice, and occasionally make sarcastic comments about your life choices. It's going to be great!"
"The card talks," Rick repeated, his brain still trying to catch up. "The magical card that represents my death by banana peel can talk."
"And it has a personality. Why does it have a personality?"
"Because everything is more fun with personality!" Ace spun around him excitedly, leaving a trail of sparkles. "Also, the system determined that you would need constant guidance given your track record of making questionable decisions."
"No offense, but your first death was pretty pathetic."
"I'm starting to regret this already."
"Too late! You're locked in, remember?"
"Now, let me give you the proper orientation that Goddess Fortuna conveniently forgot to mention because she was too busy making sure her bunny outfit didn't malfunction."
Rick rubbed his face. "There's more to the system than she told me, isn't there?"
"Oh, so much more!" Ace flew in a circle around his head. "First of all, cards aren't just for collecting and activating their special effects. You can use them as weapons!"
"Weapons? Like, paper cuts?"
"No, like actual deadly projectiles! When you channel mana into a card and throw it, it becomes as sharp and powerful as any blade."
"Think of them like magical throwing knives, except cooler because they have pictures on them. You can slice through monsters, deflect attacks, and generally look awesome while doing it."
Rick held out his hand, and Ace floated down to rest on his palm. He examined the card more closely. It did feel heavier than a normal card, more solid, like it was made of something between paper and metal.
"So you're telling me I can kill things by throwing cards at them?"
"Exactly! And the more mana you put into them, the more damage they do."
"Plus, each card has its special effect that activates on contact. Your banana peel card, for example, will not only cut an enemy but also make them slip and fall. It's hilarious and effective!"
"That's actually kind of cool," Rick admitted. "So Fortuna lied to me?"
"Not lied, more like severely understated the truth. She probably thought it would be funnier to let you figure it out yourself. Gods are weird like that. Now, let me show you your status!"
"That damn bitch..."
Another screen materialized in front of Rick, this one showing various statistics and information.
[NAME: Rick Rolland]
[LEVEL: 1]
[HP: 100/100]
[MP: 50/50]
[CARDS COLLECTED: 1]
[DEATHS: 1]
[TITLE: The Undying Idiot]
"What the fuck!? The Undying Idiot?" Rick read aloud. "Really?"
"Hey, the system calls it like it sees it. But don't worry, you can earn better titles by doing cool stuff."
"Now, speaking of cool stuff, I have a surprise for you! The system has generated your first quest!"
"Already? I just got here!"
"Time waits for no man, Master Rick! Besides, this is important."
"You see, there exists something called a Wishing Card. It's an SSS rank card that can grant any wish you desire."
"And I mean any wish. Want unlimited power? Done."
"Want to bring someone back to life? Easy."
"Want a castle made entirely of cheese? Weird, but achievable."
"You even can summon a big titty elf like you said earlier!"
Rick's eyes widened. "And you're just telling me about this now?"
"I'm telling you about it because it's your main quest! The system wants you to obtain the Wishing Card. There's just one tiny, insignificant problem."
"Why do I feel like I'm not going to like this?"
Ace's tone became almost apologetic. "The Wishing Card is located in the Vault of Eternal Suffering, which is guarded by the Seven Calamity Beasts, protected by an army of ancient golems, and sealed behind a door that can only be opened by collecting thirteen fragments scattered across the most dangerous locations in Eternia."
"Oh, and you need to be at least level fifty to even survive the journey there."
Rick stared at the floating card. Then at the forest around him. Then back at the card.
"You're joking."
"I wish I was! But here's the fun part."
"Every time you complete a major milestone toward this quest, you get bonus rewards."
"Better cards, special abilities, maybe even some rare equipment. The system is essentially bribing you to get stronger."
"This is insane. I'm level one. I have a banana peel. How am I supposed to fight Calamity Beasts?"
"That's the beauty of it! You don't have to fight them now."
"You just have to survive long enough to get strong enough to fight them eventually. And with your immortality, you have all the time in the world."
"Or at least until something finds a way to permanently kill you, which probably won't happen. Probably."
"That's not reassuring."
"It's not supposed to be! Now come on, Master Rick. Let's start your adventure."
"I detect several slimes about fifty meters northeast. They're perfect for a level one player. Sure, they're acidic and can dissolve flesh in seconds, but think of it as a learning experience!"
Rick looked down at his hands, then at the card floating beside him, then at the forest that definitely contained things that wanted to kill him.
"You know what?" he said, standing up and brushing grass off his pants. "I survived a vending machine explosion and a truck. I can handle some slimes."
"That's the spirit! Try not to die immediately though. The respawn timer is thirty seconds, and it's really awkward when you die before even fighting your first monster."
"Wait, what do you mean respawn timer?"
But Ace was already flying ahead, leading him deeper into the forest where the sound of something wet and squishy was getting progressively louder. Rick sighed, channeled what he hoped was mana into the banana peel card, and followed his overly enthusiastic assistant into what was definitely going to be his second death.
At least this time, he was prepared for it. Probably.