It was the last session of the twenty-first day. The hundred and forty-seventh repetition. There seemed to be a mystical weight to this number. When Epsilon sat on the shelter's floor, he felt a strange tension inside. This was a threshold.
The first steps of meditation were now familiar. He silenced his mind, allowed his existence to dissolve into the universe. But this time, when he reached that familiar emptiness, something was different. From within the nothingness, a dark and sticky feeling began to seep. This was different from the pain he'd felt before. This was a poison he'd accumulated and suppressed in the depths of his soul for years: Resentment.
His mind immediately pulled him to the past.
He was in that cold middle school corridor. A group of children had surrounded a frail, pale-skinned girl, pushing and shoving her. Without a moment's thought, Epsilon dove between them. The fight was short and violent. Epsilon had knocked down all three children bigger than him, but he was also covered in wounds.
He was in the vice principal's office. Across from him stood that psychopathic teacher. The teacher hated Epsilon's intelligence and his refusal to bow to injustice. "You again," said the teacher, his voice carrying false disappointment. "You continue to disturb this school's peace. You attacked those poor children." "They were bullying that girl!" Epsilon shouted. "I was just protecting her!" A cruel smile appeared on the teacher's face. "Don't lie. A troublemaker like you just looks for excuses to start fights."
In that moment, in that room, something inside Epsilon broke forever. He had done what was right but was being punished. No one cared about the truth. The world was an unjust place and he was utterly alone in the midst of this injustice.
The pure, poisonous resentment of this memory struck Null's systems like a shock wave through the nanorobots. This wasn't like the sadness or pain she'd felt before. This was the anger that comes from being a victim, a silent hatred for the world's injustice.
Epsilon's body convulsed under this intense emotional assault. The meditation had spiraled out of control. The "yamgium" inside him, feeding on this feeling of resentment, was trying to come out more violently than ever before. A pained moan escaped Epsilon's mouth.
Null was instantly beside him. She saw Epsilon trembling, cold sweat pouring from his forehead. This wasn't just physical pain. This was the collapse of his soul. "Epsilon!" Null called out, her voice sharp. But Epsilon couldn't hear. He was trapped in the darkness of his own mind.
Null didn't know what to do. Her logical protocols couldn't offer a solution to this situation. But that other unit, those newly awakened feelings, whispered to her what she needed to do. Without hesitation, she knelt down, reached out her hands, and took Epsilon's sweaty face between her palms. "You're here," she said in a soft voice. "You're not alone, Epsilon. I'm here."
This touch, this voice, was like a beam of light piercing the poisonous storm in Epsilon's mind. This connection from outside gave him a branch to hold onto. He took a deep breath and his consciousness slowly returned to the shelter's dim red light.
The session was over. Epsilon was trembling in Null's hands, exhausted. The sharp, rotten smell emanating from him was more intense than ever this time. But neither of them cared. "What was that?" Null whispered, her voice still in shock. "What I felt... what was that?"
Epsilon slowly pulled away from Null's hands. "Hard to describe," he said in a hoarse voice. "I guess it was a combination of some resentment, some anger... and hatred. This feeling was one of the things that made me feel worst in my life." He averted his eyes. "The worst part is, this feeling was more against myself than against other people. I'd convinced myself that I didn't deserve a happy life because I wasn't like the others. Everyone thought they saw me beneath the fake masks but I... I wasn't what they saw."
Null didn't know what to say for a moment at this vulnerable confession. Then, moving again with that instinctive urge, she took a step toward him and wrapped her arms around him. This wasn't a clumsy hug like before. This was a more conscious, more protective movement. "With me," Null whispered, "you can only wear that mask with smiles and jokes."
Epsilon was surprised by this unexpected comfort. "That's somewhat my own personality too," he murmured. Then he pulled back. "I'm afraid of people, Null. I hate being shown as wrong even when I'm right, I hate injustice."
"Being right or wrong," Null said, trying to pull the topic to logical ground. "Aren't these objective concepts? They're based on evidence." Epsilon smiled bitterly. "I wish the world were that simple."
At that moment, the sharp smell hitting his nose prevented him from enduring any longer. "I can't stand this smell anymore," he said, quickly running toward the purification room.
As Epsilon closed the purification room door, Null was left alone in the shelter's silence. Her systems were trying to process the flood of data she'd just experienced. Resentment. The definition of this word was no longer just a simple entry in her database. Now it had a feeling, a weight. She replayed that memory of Epsilon's, that moment of injustice, over and over in her mind. Her logic unit labeled the teacher's actions as "abuse of authority" and "psychological manipulation." But that other unit... it just felt anger.
My actions... she thought. They weren't logical. I touched him. I comforted him. I hugged him. None of these were in my programming. These new behaviors seemed frightening but at the same time inevitable. This wasn't Epsilon disrupting her systems. This was him completing her systems. At that moment she understood that Epsilon's pain had become a key filling the missing piece of her own existence.
A few minutes later, Epsilon came out of the purification room. His face was cleaned, his hair wet. That heavy feeling on him was gone, replaced by relief. He saw Null still standing in the same place, lost in deep thought.
He slowly approached her and spoke in his usual joking tone: "Were you thinking about me, my life?" Null slowly turned her head to him. In her eyes was neither anger nor sarcasm. Just a calm and serious expression. "Yes," she said with a single word.
This honest and unexpected answer wiped the grin from Epsilon's face. "Wow," he murmured, not knowing what to say. "I was expecting you to get angry... or at least throw something at my head."
Null was silent for a moment. "How do you see me, Epsilon?"
Epsilon paused for a moment at this serious question, then that familiar, mischievous smile appeared on his face again. "I see you as a feisty but loving disaster."
"There are so many slang terms in your vocabulary," Null reproached. "And I'm not feisty. These reactions... are involuntary."
"I'm going to take from this that you love me very much," Epsilon continued, regaining his old cheerfulness.
A faint expression appeared on Null's face. "It can't be said that I don't love you." Immediately after this sentence, that familiar, light but determined blow landed on Epsilon's head. This time Null had used her hand.
"So why did you get in that fight?" Null asked, changing the subject. "Did you want to be a hero?" Epsilon laughed. "No, of course not. Back then I didn't even understand what a hero was. I just... couldn't stand to stay silent there."
As Epsilon said this, that pure and determined feeling from that moment, his rebellion against that injustice, flowed to Null through the nanorobots. Null's systems stumbled for a moment at this intense and complex data. "This feeling... is very strange. Is this what you call 'conscience'?"
"I don't know if this is exactly it," Epsilon said honestly. "But even though I know that the strong crushing the weak is a rule of nature, something drives me to prevent this. If there's someone powerless and even if I'm not strong enough, I feel like I should prevent them from being harmed."
Null felt his sincerity. While her logic unit said this behavior was 'contrary to self-preservation instinct' and 'an inefficient risk,' that other unit whispered that this sacrifice was incredibly... valuable. "You heartless woman," Epsilon joked, feeling Null's internal conflict.
"I really don't have a heart," Null replied in a completely matter-of-fact tone.
Epsilon laughed. "Don't think of meanings only by their dictionary definitions, Null."
"Of course I know they gain meaning according to context," Null said, referring to Epsilon's last words. Then she paused, her voice more curious this time. "What happened to that girl?"
That mischievous expression appeared on Epsilon's face again. "What, are you jealous?"
"Why would I be jealous? That's not logical," Null immediately replied. "I just... was curious about the end of this incident."
"The incident was an excuse," Epsilon said, his voice becoming serious. "I continued to protect that girl. As much as I could... I succeeded."
"Then why this disappointment? And... what was her name?"
Epsilon hesitated for a moment. "Let's call her Delta too. And I don't really feel like telling you about her."
"Why?" Null asked.
"Because if you tell your girlfriend about other girls, it never ends well," Epsilon said with a grin. In return for this sentence, he received a light punch on his shoulder.
"Since you're having trouble being serious, I guess this topic is one of your traumas," Null said in an analytical tone.
"But you didn't deny the girlfriend part, my life. Did you finally officially accept it?"
"Keep dreaming," Null said, rolling her eyes.
"Don't worry, tonight I'll dream that I'm going on a date with you in one of the worlds that didn't perish."
Null didn't respond to this last comment. She just checked the schedule. "If you're done talking nonsense... I don't know if you're aware but there are five minutes until the next time. Go and check the book."
Epsilon paused for a moment. Then his voice transformed from its earlier cheerfulness into a fear-filled whisper. "This last purification... was so bad, Null. Will I continue to experience such bad things?"
Null was dusting off an old console in the shelter. At Epsilon's vulnerable question, she stopped her work. Instead of answering, she just waited. Epsilon slowly walked toward her and, without thinking, tightly hugged Null from behind.
Null's body tensed for a moment. "This... what was this for?"
"For saving me and being with me, my life," Epsilon whispered, burying his face in Null's back.
After a moment's hesitation, Null slowly relaxed. "If you feel bad," she said, her voice softer than ever. "I'll be here to save you."
When Epsilon heard these words, he pulled back. There was no trace left of the earlier fear on his face. In its place was a childish, bright joy. Spinning lightly around himself, murmuring "Null loves me, Null loves me!" he walked toward a corner of the shelter.
Null stood frozen at this sudden emotional change. She brought her hand to where Epsilon had just hugged her. This feeling... she thought. The desire to protect him... Is this part of my programming, or... Before she could find the answer to the question, a new question appeared in her systems: To love... is this it?