The door parted before my eyes and granted me passage. My stomach tightened with excitement. I didn't know where to put my hands; I thought of them as a burden. I had even forgotten that I had a mind of my own. I was only staring at the small, enticing light seeping through the gap with the thrill one feels when gazing at gold inside a treasure chest. I tried to remind myself, "I'm new here."
My attempt failed. When I took my first step, my eyes closed. My eyelids were washed under the light.
The door was behind me now. I had freed myself from the shackles I had placed upon myself.
A pure curiosity wrapped around me—the kind a baby feels when discovering the world for the first time.
I lifted my head and tried to look at the ceiling. The only thing visible was filthy white walls stretching all the way up. My head spun. When my stomach churned, I forced myself not to gag. The tops of the ramparts seemed to collide with the sky. What could be seen was only a tiny fragment of it.
There was an endless distance stretching out before me.
Why wasn't the voice speaking now?
Why had it left me alone?
I couldn't answer these questions in such a short time.
At that moment, a blue hologram appeared on the rampart wall in front of me. Before I could even grasp what was happening, synchronized footsteps echoed. I looked ahead. The wind struck my face. As the ground shook like an empty tin can, my eyes flickered between a crowd and a screen.
On the screen labeled "Task List," there were countless names I didn't recognize. Next to them were tasks like "Walk 5,000 steps" or "Never cry." The list went on endlessly. I couldn't read the letters; I couldn't process the words I was seeing. My mind was so clouded… When I saw my own name written in huge letters at the very bottom, I froze.
Aysal: [Meet the other patients]
The sound of footsteps pressed against my eardrums. I felt as if I'd been struck in the head. The runners… Why were they all coming here together? My heartbeats intensified. Before I could look back at the hologram screen, the list changed, replaced by another virtual screen filled with different tasks.
Not knowing what else to do, I stepped back. Just one step… It felt as though an entire lifetime had passed between making that decision and carrying it out. The ground shook like an earthquake. And then something more happened… My vision blurred.
The same blackout that hits me whenever I take antidepressants surged back again.
There was barely any distance left between us now. I could feel someone's harsh gaze on me.
When I locked eyes with the person standing at the very front of the group, my consciousness was almost defenseless. The sound of breathing filled the space. I closed my eyes for a fraction of a second. My throat was dry; I swallowed hard.
All the members of the group looked at one another as if they had understood something among themselves. They were whispering, but it was impossible to tell what they were saying.
Only the one at the front was staring straight into my eyes, engraving a sense of meaninglessness I would never forget into all my synapses.
The man looked middle‑aged. His hair was cut short and carelessly combed to the side. He had a soulless appearance. The others were just as unkempt. But what stood out… was that their dead expressions had already given them away. I could almost feel how exhausted they all were.
I let my gaze travel across each face, starting with the one in front.
I was cautious as I did.
Frozen smiles hanging on lifeless lips caught my attention.
The man in front turned back in confusion and whispered something to the small group gathered behind him.
I still didn't understand.
I didn't give up.
"Hello," I managed to say in a trembling voice. "Hello… I'm—"
My voice seemed to have no effect on them.
The man grabbed the hem of his T‑shirt, clutching the fabric between his fingers. Sweat dripping from his forehead fell toward the space between his eyebrows. Shyly, he shook his head from side to side. I noticed the slight twitch in his lips. Then it dissolved immediately into silence. Everyone was quiet. The whole world. This vast world I had never been able to place myself into. All that remained was me.
My task was to meet them.
If this was a task, shouldn't I obey it in order to heal?
I had agreed to enter the system of my own will.
"I'm Aysal—" I began. I couldn't ignore the vacant expressions on their faces. There was something more than exhaustion there.
No one answered.
So I looked more carefully at the man in front and said in a low voice, "My task is to meet you. Would you let me join you?"