"This is a drag."
Naruto's voice bounced off the empty walls of his apartment. He was sweeping, or at least, moving a pile of dust from one corner to another.
"I'm the hero of the village. Well, almost. I trained for two years with the pervy sage! I should be on an S Rank mission, not... not cleaning up noodles from three weeks ago."
Kakashi had forced him. "Naruto, your apartment is a biological hazard. Not even Guy would go in there without a special suit. Clean it, or I'm not approving any missions for you until the next war."
Naruto kicked a pile of training magazines. "Easy for him to say. He doesn't even know where I keep the trash bags."
He kicked the pile again, harder. An old scroll rolled out from underneath.
"Huh?"
It wasn't a mission scroll. It was worn, tied with a frayed red cord. He picked it up.
It unrolled with a dusty sound.
"Jiraiya's... Guide? To... 'Advanced Infiltration'?"
Naruto's eyes went wide.
"No way!"
He read the subtitles aloud, his voice filling with an almost religious awe.
"'Chapter 1: The Art of Passive Information Gathering.' 'Chapter 2: Hostile Environments - Kunoichi.' 'Subsection 2 A: The Onsen as a Tactical Proving Ground.'"
Naruto swallowed.
"This... this is..."
He sat on the floor in the middle of the mess, completely absorbed. The scroll wasn't just perverted scribbles. Well, it was, but they were... organized. There were diagrams. Patrol routes. Security response times. Blind spot analysis.
"Pervy Sage..." Naruto whispered. "He... he really is a genius."
An idea began to form. It was a terrible, stupid, brilliant idea.
"They're sidelining me," he said to the air. "Granny Tsunade won't let me leave the village. She thinks it's dangerous for me. But how am I supposed to get stronger if I'm here sweeping?"
He stood up, holding the scroll like it was a sacred text.
"Pervy Sage is a Sannin. He's the world's greatest spy master. And this... this is his secret technique. I'll surpass him!"
He paced. "It's not for perversion. It's for training! I have to master my teacher's techniques! To surpass him! To become Hokage!"
The rationalization was complete. It felt solid.
"If I can't handle the security of a simple onsen... how am I going to handle Akatsuki? Or the village? It's a self assigned infiltration mission! S Rank!"
Naruto grinned, his teeth shining.
"Mission: Master the Pervy Sage's Research Jutsu! Begin!"
Thirty minutes later, Naruto was crouched behind a laundry barrel.
"Okay, this is harder than it looks."
The Konoha Onsen wasn't a fortress, but the private section, the one reserved for the main clans, had its own security. Two retired kunoichi, one at the front gate and one patrolling the inner perimeter.
Naruto had bypassed the front gate using a basic Transformation Jutsu. A stray cat. Easy.
But now he was stuck. The inner patrol was an old woman with hawk eyes.
"What a mess!" the old woman, Tami, was yelling at a soap delivery man. "You left mud in the entryway! Do you think this cleans itself?"
"Sorry, Tami sama!"
"Get out of here! And if I see one of those perverted Academy brats trying to climb the wall again, I'll use my senbon needles!"
Naruto winced behind the barrel. "Scary old lady."
He waited for her to turn the corner. He had a three minute window. Jiraiya's scroll said so.
"Three minutes," he muttered.
He ran, crouched, staying in the shadows cast by the building's eaves. He reached the high wooden wall that separated the private section from the rest of the complex.
It was high. Too high to jump without making noise.
"Damn. The scroll said there'd be a delivery tree..."
He looked around. No delivery tree.
"That old liar!"
He heard footsteps. Tami san was coming back.
"Crap, crap!"
He saw a pile of clean towels. Without thinking, he dove into the pile just as the old woman rounded the corner.
"Hmm." She stopped. She narrowed her eyes at the towel pile. "I could have sworn this pile was smaller."
Naruto held his breath.
"Bah! I'm old." She kept walking.
Naruto waited ten seconds and then shot out. He ran for the wall. No time for subtlety.
He jumped, sticking his feet to the wood with chakra. He climbed silently, just as Kakashi had taught him.
He reached the top of the wall. The scroll was right about one thing. There was a large cherry tree right next to it, its branches extending over the wall.
"Perfect."
He slipped from the wall onto the thickest branch. He was perfectly hidden by the leaves.
"Phase two... complete."
He looked down.
It was a small, very zen rock garden. The hot spring pool was natural stone, not very large, with steam rising lazily. It was empty.
"Great. Did I do all this for nothing?"
He was about to leave when the sliding paper door to the changing room opened.
Naruto's heart skipped a beat.
Hinata came out, wrapped in a modest towel. She moved shyly, looking around as if expecting someone to appear.
Naruto froze.
"Hinata?"
She dropped the towel on a rock. Her long dark hair was pinned up, but a few strands fell onto her shoulders.
Naruto felt his face heat up. "Oh, no! Anyone but Hinata!"
She dipped a foot in the water and then slid in, sinking to her chest with a sigh of relief. She leaned against the rock wall, her back to him, and closed her eyes.
Naruto was trapped.
"Okay, okay, calm down. This is still training. It's... reconnaissance of a high value target. Yeah. The Hyuga clan heiress."
He tried to look away. He really tried.
"It's just a back. No big deal."
But then she moved, turning to scoop some water in her hands and pour it over her shoulders.
Naruto stopped breathing.
"Wow."
He was mesmerized. Not out of perversion. Well, not just perversion. She was... different from Sakura. A lot... more.
"I'm a genius," he whispered to himself, trying to regain control. "The stealth is perfect. The vantage point is ideal. Pervy Sage would be proud of me. I'm the best spy in the world!"
He adjusted his weight to get a better... research angle.
CRRAAACK.
"Huh?"
The branch under his feet split.
"Oh, no!"
Time slowed down.
Naruto Uzumaki, the Kyuubi's Jinchuriki, the future hero of Konoha, fell out of the tree like a sack of potatoes.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
He landed with a thunderous SPLASH! in the center of the onsen, less than a meter from her.
Hot water hit him in the face.
There was a second of absolute silence.
Naruto spat out water. "Damn! That hurt!"
Hinata had turned. Her lavender eyes, normally shy, were the size of dinner plates.
She was paralyzed.
Naruto was paralyzed too.
"Uh... Hinata?" he said, his voice high pitched. "Hi! What... what a coincidence running into you here?"
Hinata opened her mouth.
No sound came out.
Just a tiny "eep".
"Wait! It's not what it looks like!" Naruto yelled, waving his hands frantically. "I was... I was chasing a cat! A spy cat! From Akatsuki! And the branch broke!"
Hinata's eyes rolled back.
"Hinata?"
She slumped forward, sinking into the water.
"HINATA!"
Panic erased everything else. She was going to drown!
Naruto lunged for her, water splashing violently. He grabbed her by the shoulders just as her head went under.
"Hey! Wake up! Don't die! Granny Tsunade will kill me!"
He lifted her, pulling her partially out of the water. Her head lolled back, wet hair sticking to her face. She was completely unconscious.
And she was... well, she was completely...
"Oh."
Naruto stopped.
He was holding a naked Hinata in his arms. The water was up to his waist, but she was out of it.
His face turned red. Magma level red.
"Okay, okay, calm. It's a medical emergency. Yeah. Kakashi sensei said... check for breathing."
He leaned in. She was breathing softly.
"Okay, she's breathing. Good. Good. Now... now I just have to... wait for her to wake up."
But his eyes... his eyes drifted.
They were... right there. At eye level.
"Holy crap," he whispered. "They're... they're huge."
Jiraiya's scroll had a section on "breast evaluation," but the drawings didn't do it justice.
"I wonder if they're..."
A very strong, purely tactical curiosity took over. It was Pervy Sage's voice in his head. Investigate, Naruto! Knowledge is power!
Slowly, with almost no control over his own hand, he raised a finger.
"Just... just a test... To see if they're soft."
His finger touched the soft skin.
It sank in a little.
"Squishy," Naruto muttered, amazed.
His hand, with a mind of its own, moved. The curiosity turned into... well, something else. His hand closed gently.
"Wow. It's like... premium quality mochi."
He was gently squeezing Hinata's breast.
And that's when she woke up.
Her eyes snapped open.
They saw the ceiling. They saw the steam. They saw Naruto's face, inches from hers.
And then they looked down.
They saw Naruto's hand.
On her breast.
Squeezing.
Hinata's shriek was ultrasonic. It was a sound that probably made every dog in Konoha howl.
"¡AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEE!"
"AAAAAHHHHH!" Naruto screamed, letting go of her abruptly.
She fell back into the water with a splash.
"IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" Naruto yelled, backing away. "YOU FAINTED! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DROWNING! I WAS DOING... I WAS DOING CPR!"
Hinata surfaced, coughing and sputtering, her face a color science had not yet cataloged.
"You... you... you..." she stammered, trying to cover herself with her hands, which was completely useless.
"It was an accident! A reflex! A CPR reflex!"
"THAT'S NOT CPR!" she shrieked.
"Hey! What's all that noise?"
A new voice. A cheerful and terribly familiar voice.
Naruto and Hinata froze.
"Hinata? Are you in there? I heard a scream!"
Sakura Haruno's head appeared over the wall, her bright pink hair unmistakable.
"SAKURA CHAN!" Naruto yelled in panic.
"Oh, look!" Sakura chirped, resting her chin on the edge of the wall. "Hinata! What are you doing in the bath?"
"I..." Hinata didn't know what to say. If they discovered her with Naruto, it would be the end for him; Tsunade Sama would beat him to death.
"Fancy meeting you here," Sakura laughed. "Can I join?"
"NO!"
"Sakura san, wait!" Hinata yelled, panic overcoming her embarrassment.
Sakura disappeared from the wall.
"She's coming in!" Naruto hissed.
"She's going to see us!" Hinata whimpered.
"Hide!"
"There's nowhere to go!"
Naruto looked around. No rocks big enough.
"Quick!" Hinata paddled toward him. "Sit! On the bottom!"
"What!?"
"JUST DO IT!"
Naruto, confused, dropped down, sitting on the stone bottom of the onsen. The water came up to his neck.
Hinata moved in front of him, and then... sat.
Directly on his lap.
She faced away from Naruto, looking toward the changing room entrance, and sank until the water covered her shoulders.
Naruto went rigid as a stone statue.
She was soft. And warm. And naked. And sitting on his legs.
The sliding door opened.
"I'm here!" Sakura walked in, wrapped in her own towel. "What'd I miss?"
Hinata was shaking so hard she was making small waves. "S-Sakura san... H-hi."
"Hi, Hinata." Sakura dropped her towel. "Hey, was Naruto with you? I swore I saw him, but from the other side, I could barely see anything through the steam."
"N-Naruto kun?" Hinata stammered. "No... there's... nobody here. J-just me."
"That's weird." Sakura got into the water on the other side of the pool. "Must be seeing things. The steam, I guess."
Naruto was underwater. Behind Hinata. His face was pressed against her upper back.
Air! I need air!
He reached up and pulled Hinata's hair.
"Ouch!" she yelped.
"What's wrong, Hinata?" Sakura asked, relaxing.
"N-nothing. A... a cramp."
Naruto surfaced, very slowly, right behind Hinata's head, using her body as a human shield. He took a silent gulp of air.
"Hey, Hinata," Sakura said, "why are you sitting so... straight? You look like a board."
"I-it's... a... a Hyuga exercise," Hinata said, her voice high pitched. "F-for posture. Very... important."
Naruto was in agony.
He could feel everything.
The soft skin of her back against his chest. The curve of... well, of her butt, pressed against his legs. The heat was... intense.
"Really? A posture exercise?" Sakura laughed. "You Hyuga are so weird. Relax a little!"
"I-I am relaxed!"
"You don't look it. You're shaking. Are you cold?"
"No! The... the water is too hot!"
"Really? It's perfect over here." Sakura paddled a little closer. "Hey, what's that?"
"What's what!?" Hinata hissed.
"It smells... like ramen? Are you eating ramen in here, Hinata?"
Naruto closed his eyes. Damn it.
"It's... it's the soap! N-new soap! With... pork broth scent!"
Sakura gave her a weird look. "Okaaay... Hey, you know the funniest thing? I was at the hospital, and Shizune san was furious. She said Lady Tsunade spent the entire medical supply budget on a new statue for the village."
Naruto tried to move. Just one centimeter.
Hinata let out an "Eep!" and tensed up even more.
The movement... had caused... friction.
And Naruto's body, being the treacherous body of a teenage boy, reacted.
Instantly.
Naruto felt the blood leave his brain and head... somewhere else.
Oh, no! Not now! Bad idea! VERY BAD IDEA!
Hinata froze.
She wasn't shaking anymore.
She was completely still.
She could feel it.
Naruto could feel her feeling it.
Something hard, which was definitely not a rock, was pressing against her lower back.
"Hinata?" Sakura said, her voice full of concern now. "Seriously, what's wrong? You turned... pale. And then red. And now... purple. Are you choking?"
Hinata couldn't speak.
Naruto, in absolute panic, whispered against her back. "Hinata! I can't control it! It's biology! Ask Pervy Sage!"
"Did you say something, Hinata?" Sakura asked.
Hinata shook her head, a short, jerky movement.
Suddenly, she raised her voice, sounding like a robot. "S-Sakura san. I... I just remembered. I... I have to... feed the fish! My father's! Goodbye!"
"Fish? You don't have any fish?"
Before Sakura could say more, Hinata launched herself forward, getting off Naruto's lap and shooting out of the water.
"HINATA! WAIT!" Sakura yelled.
Hinata grabbed her towel, wrapped it awkwardly around herself, and ran for the changing room, disappearing with the sound of a slamming sliding door.
Sakura was left alone in the water. "But... what the hell...?"
She looked at the water.
"Seriously, it smells like noodles."
She saw a bubble rise to the surface.
Then another.
"Okay, this is gross."
Sakura got out of the water. "Well, I'm leaving! Lady Tsunade's paperwork is hell! See ya, Hinata!"
She yelled at the empty changing room and left.
Silence.
Just the sound of dripping water.
Naruto stayed sitting on the bottom of the onsen, submerged up to his nose, for three whole minutes.
Slowly, he stood up.
The onsen was empty.
"Mission... failed. Eating ramen before coming was not ideal," he muttered.