7
And as for Hachiman Hikigaya…
The summer was over, but only by the calendar. The final day of summer arrived, and school was starting the following day. The cicadas that announced the fall were chirping loudly, but it was still hot. It would probably be a little longer before the weather cooled.
The last sunset of August was descending. In the remaining light, I prepared for the start of school the next day. I stuffed the homework that I had finished long ago into my bag.
Among my papers was Komachi's independent research project. I had apparently gotten them jumbled together when I had printed everything I needed for submission. I flipped through the report I'd done on flame reactions one last time.
It's the flame reactions that give fireworks their color. If you touch metals or salts to a flame, each element will burn a characteristic color. Blue-white flame will also look different depending on which elements it touches.
It's actually kind of like people. When two people come in contact, you'll get some kind of reaction. And there's a range of color possibilities. Even a single person will display different reactions depending on which person they come in contact with. You create completely different colors each time, just like multicolored fireworks.
For example, when Saki Kawasaki met her, she said she was difficult to approach. Though the two girls were of the same type, and they both kept others at a distance, Kawasaki didn't feel like they could become friends. So perhaps the best form of communication for them was noninterference.
Or when Taishi Kawasaki saw her, he described her as beautiful but also scary. If you were to just skim the surface in expressing what she is, you couldn't be more accurate. Seen from afar, she may indeed be as a cliff reigning over an icy sea.
And then there was Yoshiteru Zaimokuza. When he was faced with her, he concluded that her bluntness meant she would have no reservations about hurting him. If we were only talking about that specific aspect of her, I'd say he was hitting the nail on the head. Nevertheless, I don't believe it's a question of whether she has reservations; she simply may not know any other way to be.
And then, when Saika Totsuka approached her, he called her a dignified and serious person. And that was true: She was. She is faithful to rules and principles. Though her rules and principles are based on her own internal sense of justice.
When Komachi Hikigaya came into contact with her, though, she felt that the older girl seemed somehow lonely. Both the person leaving home and the ones left behind experience the ache of solitude. Of course, Komachi's judgment was nothing more than sympathy from an outsider. Nobody knows how she really feels, probably herself included.
By contrast, Shizuka Hiratsuka watched over her, believing she was a kind person and also often righteous. Miss Hiratsuka also said the world is neither kind nor right, so it must be a difficult place for her to be. Indeed, that was true—nearly everything around her could well become her shackles. Only one thing might save her, the teacher had said: "friends." But she has most likely been tormented a dozen times more by those same "friends"—no, hundreds of times.
And Haruno Yukinoshita, who lived with her, had laughed as if to say she was worthless. With a callous smile, she commented that her little sister had always been chasing after her, and that's why she is always the loser. She is Haruno's pitiful, adorable, unchosen little sister. I don't know who it was that didn't choose her. Maybe it was friends, family, parents, or perhaps even fate. Whichever it is, only a strong person like Haruno Yukinoshita could feel sorry for her. I've never once felt that way.
But then Yui Yuigahama, having been by her side all along, cried out that she liked her. There was nothing flowery about the clumsy, tactless, frank way she had howled her feelings, but I've never heard a confession so beautiful. Even Yui Yuigahama felt a wall between her and the other girl, but that only made her want to overcome the distance all the more. She longs to help her, so strongly that she would even ask for assistance from someone like me.
And as for Hachiman Hikigaya… Had I seen nothing at all?
Sometimes, I could indeed get a vague grasp of her actions and the psychology underlying them. But that didn't mean I understood how she feels. It's just that we were in similar positions in similar environments, so that led me to make analogies. Those analogies are nothing more than offhand approximations.
People only ever see what they want to see.
I think I was honing in on something familiar to me within her. The way she persists in her aloofness, in her own sense of justice, and doesn't lament about how misunderstood she is or how she's given up on understanding others. She unquestionably had that perfect superhuman nature I was attempting to master.
I…don't feel any desire to know more about her.
The Yukino Yukinoshita I've seen is always beautiful and honest and never lies—her brusque statements often say more than necessary. She has no one to rely on, and yet she continues to stand on her own two feet.
The way she stood there, beautiful like frozen blue flame, so ephemeral, even tragic… That Yukino Yukinoshita… …was the one I admired.
8
Yukino Yukinoshita stands in place, just for a moment.
August 31 and September 1: Though these days are in sequence, no other two moments in time are as clearly divided as these. There lies the boundary line between the regular and the irregular. When weekdays and weekends cross paths, that is where I wish to close the curtains on the story of Hachiman Hikigaya. The period at the end of a holiday has so much Bad Energy stored up, it's bad enough to take the whole world to the Worst Ending.
And so that day, school began again.
It had been a long time since I'd last taken my bicycle down that road to school. It was exactly the same as it was two months ago. The road was crowded, and the closer I got to the school, the unrulier the hubbub became. Everyone else must have built up lots of things to talk about over summer vacation. They were all strolling along with their friends.
As you might expect, since I had been going to this school for over a year, I saw more than a few familiar faces among them. Although their faces were the only familiar thing about them. I might catch sight of Tobe or run into Ebina, but I wouldn't talk with them, and we wouldn't greet each other.
I wouldn't really say that the summer was an illusion. It was just that camp had been a temporary, exceptional situation, and that was the only reason we had talked. There's a different sort of socializing and a different sense of distance when you're away from school. I know my place when it comes to all that.
That's why, even if I did encounter someone I knew, like Kawasaki, I would maintain my usual silence. Instead of associating with all those people patting shoulders even though they're normally not that close and asking Did you get a tan? even though they don't know their "friend's" former complexion, it's far sincerer to not even look at them.
There were a number of people by the school entrance who were silent like me, perhaps because they thought the same way. But when they met with people they knew, their faces would suddenly light up, and they would gleefully begin their chatter. I think the real reason they're so happy to have someone talk to them is because it fulfills their desire to be personally acknowledged. They're gloating because they're pleased to be recognized as a person, to be allowed to exist, to be approved as worth speaking to. Taken another way, it means if you are capable of acknowledging yourself, you don't need to bother with social confirmation. I would argue that a loner's isolation truly endorses his value as a person.
These ideas are what I love about myself. Aw, good ol' Hachiman, he's so great! I attempted to self-generate love to fulfill my desire for personal acknowledgment on my own. You could also describe it as self-poisoning via overdose. I suppose this means I'm the one giving out love now, aren't I? I see… So I am actually…God.
As I pondered this idiocy (society calls it philosophy), I was walking down the hallway. I had already spent half of my high school days in this school building. It had become such a familiar sight to me, but eventually, it would fade from memory.
In my clouded field of vision, I caught sight of a certain figure standing there that I surely wouldn't forget. She stood on the glasswalled staircase, and even with the sunlight streaming in and the heat rising, she radiated a frigid and awesome air that permitted no one to approach.
It was Yukino Yukinoshita.
When my foot tapped on the stairs, she noticed my presence and turned around. "Oh, it's been a while."
"Yeah. Long time no see." I was already used to having her talk down to me.
Yukinoshita ascended the stairs at the same pace as me, as if she were matching her pace to mine. So the distance between us, two steps, still remained.
"Hikigaya." She spoke to me without turning around. I replied with only a nod. It took Yukinoshita a few seconds to take my silence as a response before she continued. "So you met my sister?"
I heard her voice clearly, despite all the other students coming and going around us. "Yeah, I happened to run into her."
I wondered about my voice. I wondered if she heard me clearly. Before I could find out, the stairs ended. We had come out at the hallway leading to the second-year classrooms. To the left was
Yukinoshita's Class J, and Class I. To the right were classes H to A.
At the point where we would part ways after the gap between us closed, Yukinoshita paused. "Um…"
"Is club starting up again today?" I passed her, glancing back over my shoulder at her.
She seemed at a loss, not knowing what to say for once. "Yyes…that's the plan…"
"Roger. I'll see you then." I started walking again before I was even done. I could feel her gaze on my back. I sensed only that she was about to say something and heard the sound of a swallow. Still, I was unable to stop.
Every classroom I passed by was overflowing with energy and the joy of reunion. Class F was no exception, and nobody noticed when I entered the classroom. I was privately relieved. Phew. I haven't changed.
I like myself. I have never once felt like I hate myself. I do not at all hate my fundamentally high caliber, my decent looks, and my pessimistic, realistic ideas. But for the first time, I feel like I could come to hate myself.
I get these expectations, push my ideals on others, latch on to the idea that I understand someone, and then get disappointed, all in my head. I have told myself not to again and again, but even so, I have ultimately not fixed the problem.
Even Yukino Yukinoshita lies. I hate myself for being unable to allow that, even though it's so obvious.
Afterword
Hello, this is Wataru Watari.
We've finally hit summer, the perfect season for shutting yourself up at home and lying around in an air-conditioned room watching anime and reading manga. Hey, no, don't get the wrong idea. I'm just a health freak. I avoid direct sunlight and going outside in order to decrease my risk of skin cancer. It is not at all that I have no plans to go out and be social.
But seriously, you've got to be careful. They call it summer break, so if you don't dutifully take a break at home, you'll actually be treading treacherous waters, legally speaking.
And speaking of danger, summer is full of dangers, you know. There's the ocean, and then mountains, rivers, wealth… No, wait, that's an enka singer. There's an abundance of other dangers, too, you know. Pools and arcades, malls, shopping districts, commuter trains, workplaces, also workplaces, and plus, workplaces. Or even workplaces, too. Oh, and workplaces.
You see these people when you're on the commuter train—people heading to Tokyo Disneyland. You'll be on your way home, hand on one of the hanging straps as you start to nod off, and you see these couples wearing nezumimimi mouse ears, or nezu-mi for short…
Seeing them makes me think about things, you know? Like, What the hell was I doing when I was a teenager? or I wonder why I'm working or Why do I have a job? or For what reason am I employed…? You know, all kinds of things.
Recently, I've been sleeping about three hours a night on average.
But since I finished the draft for Volume 5, I will be freed from that lifestyle for a while. I'm saying good-bye to that old life! Good-bye, days of only being able to sleep three hours a night! Hello, my days of only being able to sleep an hour and a half a night!
…Wait, what?
Yes, well, there are so many people who are enthusiastically shrieking with anticipation for my work… How should I put it, um, I'd like a little more sleep than that, so would someone please be my breadwinner? Any who are willing, please send a letter to the editing department of Shogakukan Gagaga Bunko. I'll be waiting.
A lot of people have expressed their concern for me, like "Oh, it must be rough!" but I love working and writing, so it's okay. Right now, I'm just being like, you know, "I—I don't like working at all! R-really, okay! I-I'm actually totally fine…" I'll still keep working hard!
Anyway, as it was announced on the obi ad of this volume—and can you believe it—My Youth Romantic Comedy Is Wrong, as I Expected is being made into a TV anime! Yay! People used to tell me, like, "You won a prize, but your books are some of the worst-selling ever," or "Your sales are so bad, I can't even understand why you won a prize.
Actually, what are prizes, really?" They called me Wataru Watari, Melter of Logic, the Idea General who can even destroy the idea of a book prize! But then my books got a TV anime…
It is thanks to the support of many people that I have managed to come this far. You have all taken me to a magical realm I absolutely could not have reached on my own. It's all thanks to your encouragement. Thank you so very much. Your happiness and gratitude will be my driving force as from Volume 5 and 6 and onward, I'll be stepping on the ga-ga-gas!
We've been able to see bits and pieces of a lot of things in Volume 5.
Hachiman's heart has moved just a tad; his world has inched forward and taken a step backward and then spun in place just a little bit. You can see that anywhere, of course, but this is his unique story just for him. I wonder how things will go in Volume 6. I'll get help and piggyback rides and hugs from lots of people for the next volume, too! I'll work so hard to reply on a higher power, Shinran will weep tears of joy in his grave!
Below is the same old acknowledgments section.
To holy Ponkan : You've been doing so much work lately, not only this volume but the extras and everything. You're doing an 8man job!
Thank you for all your hard work. Finally, it's Totsuka on the cover! Yay! Thank you so much!
To my editor, Hoshino-sama: U-um… I-I'm really…sorry… No, you've got it wrong, actually, um…but if I say any more, it'll just be an excuse, so… A-anyway, thank you very much!
To Watari Wataru-sama: Thank you for your comments on the obi. They were so amazing, you would never know that it was a lastminute editorial decision to make you do it! Wait, what the heck is this?
To all the writers: As you all were just barely blasting through deadlines like Bojack Unbound and I was busy drinking, you came up with stories and alibis for me and worked things out with my editor and everything. Thank you so much. I'll be counting on you all next time, too.
And to all my readers: Thank you for your continuous support. Every time I get a warm comment or impression from a reader, it makes my sleepiness, my back pain, and my exhaustion all fly away. It's something of a drug. I think there's still much to come in this series,
so I am blessed to have your unfaltering patronage and encouragement. Thank you very much. I hope you'll stay with me.
Now then, on that note, I think I will set down my pen here.
On a certain day in August, in a certain place in Chiba prefecture, while admonishing myself for being even sweeter to myself than MAX Coffee,