"Don't say that." The words come out sharper than I intended. "I still need you. I'll always need you."
"Yeah, sure." She waves a hand dismissively, still refusing to look at me. "You done? Can I go now?" Her arms cross tighter.
The casual dismissal hits worse than any insult could. At least if she was screaming at me, I'd know she cared. She's shutting down completely, building walls faster than I can tear them down.
"Bianca, please." I can hear the desperation creeping into my voice. "Just—don't do this."
She turns to glare at me, and holy shit, the fury in those teal eyes could melt steel. "Don't do what?" she hisses.
I force myself to hold her gaze. "This. Shutting me out." I lean forward slightly. "Yell at me. Tell me I'm a piece of shit. Tell me how much I fucked up. But don't just... don't pretend like you don't care."
I can see one of her eyebrows twitch. Her face is set in this carefully constructed mask of indifference, but I can see the cracks forming. She stays stubbornly quiet though, her jaw working like she's physically holding words back.
This is heartbreaking. I really don't think I've ever seen her this angry at me before. But I know that we can't keep doing this. If we don't communicate, I'll lose her. And I can't let that happen… I just can't.
I know this will probably piss her off, but that might actually be a good thing right now. This is how it's always worked with us: I piss her off, she yells at me, and then all is forgiven. I just hope it'll be the same this time.
"Bianca." I stare into her eyes, trying to pour everything I'm feeling into my voice. "I still love you."
Her jaw clenches so hard I'm genuinely worried about her teeth. "What the fuck are you playing at?"
There we go. Even rage is better than this horrific silence.
"Nothing. I'm just saying." I shrug, even though my heart is trying to break through my ribcage. "I love you. So much."
"You. Piece. Of. Shit." She's seething now, starting to breathe more heavily as the rage slowly builds up. "How fucking dare you?"
I can't help but smile slightly, even though this is terrible. She's so beautiful when she's angry. The fire in her eyes, the flush creeping into her pale cheeks…
"Don't you fucking smile at me!" she snaps.
"Sorry, I just—" I shake my head. "You're beautiful."
"Fuck! You!" I pushed her over the edge, she's practically vibrating with fury now. "Fuck you! You piece of fucking shit! How could you? Did you not know that I was flirting with you? Did I not make it fucking obvious enough?"
I stay quiet, letting her get it out. Each word hurts, but she needs this.
"And I know you like me too! I'm not stupid! So what the fuck is this, huh? You don't give a fuck about me, do you?" Her voice cracks, and I see tears starting to well up in her eyes. There's more than just anger in her words now. I can clearly hear the complicated mix of jealousy, sadness, and pain. "Why would you confess to Selene first? Why not me? I'm the backup plan, aren't I? I'm just the second option?"
Oh God. This is killing me. My own eyes are burning, and I can feel tears starting to spill over. I scoot closer to her, my body moving on autopilot.
"Bianca—"
"Don't." She cuts me off. "I'm always the second choice. Always. Selene's perfect, right? She's gorgeous and happy and everyone fucking loves her. And I'm just the angry one. The bitch. The one who swears too much. The one who's too sarcastic, too mean."
A tear rolls down her cheek and she angrily wipes it away. "That's why you picked her, right? Because I'm not like her, I'm—"
She's fully sobbing now, and I can't take it anymore. I reach out and pull her toward me, wrapping my arm around her waist and guiding her head to my shoulder. "Stop. Stop talking about yourself like that."
"I told you," she tries to push against my chest weakly, "not to fucking touch me."
I just hold on tighter. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Bianca. I love you. You were never my second choice. I love you." The words keep tumbling out. "I'd do anything for you. Anything."
I press a kiss to the top of her head, and she makes this broken sound before her arms finally wrap around my back.
I run my fingers through her hair and rub circles on her back with my other hand. "You're not a bitch. You're funny and smart and so fucking talented that it's actually intimidating sometimes." I laugh a little, even while crying. "And the swearing? Are you kidding? That's the best part."
She gives a wet, shaky laugh against my shoulder.
Our position is getting uncomfortable, my back is starting to cramp, and she's twisted at an awkward angle. So I slide my hand under her legs and stand up with her. She makes a surprised squeak, which is possibly the cutest sound I've ever heard her make. Then I sit back down and arrange her in my lap so we're both more comfortable. She immediately presses herself against me again, face still buried in my shoulder.
"You said Selene's beautiful?" I continue, one hand rubbing circles on her back. "Bianca, you're fucking gorgeous. Like, genuinely. Every guy at school would kill to be where I am right now. You're so stupidly hot that it's actually unfair to everyone else. Fuck, you're so beautiful it actually hurts to look at you sometimes."
She clears her throat but doesn't say anything. Just keeps sniffling against my shoulder while I hold her.
"I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you." I take a shaky breath. This is it. "I love you, Bianca. I love you so much. You were never my second choice because…"
Fuck. Just say it.
"Because I love you and Selene."
She tenses completely, going rigid in my arms.
"I love both of you. The same amount. I can't choose between you because I don't want one of you more than the other. I just..." God, this sounds so stupid out loud. "I want both of you."
For a long moment, there's just silence except for our breathing and her occasional sniffle. I keep running my fingers through her hair, waiting for her to tell me to go fuck myself, waiting for her to get up and leave.
She leans back, pulling away from my shoulder to look down at me.
"You're such a greedy fucking pervert," she says, but there's no heat in it. Her voice is soft, almost fond.
I don't know what to say to that, so I just stare up at her, trying to memorize every detail of her face. Her incredibly pale skin contrasts with her dark, tear-streaked makeup. Her lips, colored black, are plump and look dangerously kissable. Her teal eyes draw me in, sharp and piercing, like she's reading into my soul.
"You're lucky, you know that?" Her husky voice sends a shiver through me. "So fucking lucky."
Wait, lucky? Lucky how? Lucky she hasn't murdered me?
She leans down and kisses me.