Disclaimer! May have some Graphic descriptions that may trigger someone!! ⚠️⚠️⚠️
🐺Dominic's POV:
Okay.
I push him back. Gently, alright? I gently push him back, despite every cell in my body screaming to yeet this clingy disaster into the next century.
But then-those damn eyes.
Big, brown, and filled with a galaxy of annoying curiosity. Bambi eyes. Literal Bambi, if Bambi had fangs, no off-switch, and a habit of monologuing like he's hosting a one-man reality show.
"OK tell what you wanna know! And stop squeezing my fucking wolf ears!!!!"
"Okay, tell me everything!" he says, already tugging at my ears like I'm some plush toy in a five-year-old's nightmare birthday party.
And then it begins.
"SO! You're the Big Bad Wolf?? All this time?? Why?? I mean-yes, okay-a hot Big Bad Wolf is cool to keep around, not complaining-BUT!! You don't feel like a natural-born. You don't have that... pack vibe, like where is your pack!! All I know your family is your mom who can scare the shit out of Lucifer demaning credit card bills. Which means-aha! You were bitten!! Weren't you?! WHO DID THIS TO YOU?? I demand answers!! Oh my Devil, this tail-wait-this tail. It's so fluffy. I could wear this like a Victorian scarf. I feel like a tragic duchess in mourning, but make it feral chic."
He takes a dramatic breath like he's on stage at a vampire opera. Rubbing his cheeks on my tail and trying to create static electricity! I try to speak. He raises a finger.
"AHEM. Back to business. Why did you save me? Huh? You're a werewolf. I'm a vampire. It's like Cats vs Dogs, but with more trauma and less Broadway. You should've seasoned me with garlic and tossed me on a silver grill! Oh wait you must be allergic to silver! You are a werewolf! BUT YOU DIDN'T. You threw trucks for me. You bled for me. You covered me with your stupid, muscular, warm body and how dare you." He gasps again. "WAIT-are you fattening me up?! Oh my Devil -is this a Hansel and Gretel situation?! Are you going to eat me when I'm fully marinated like a festive turkey?!"
He clutches his chest. "Or... or... am I simply too sexy to be eaten?" He bats his eyes at me. Yes. Actually bats his eyes. Damn BAT!
I just.
Stand there.
Blinking.
He is cute not to mention!
There is a long pause.
"...you done?" I ask flatly.
He shrugs. "I can give you some belly rubs in return. Just saying."
...
Okay. Deep breaths. Count to ten.
No, count to a thousand.
Because this man. This goddamn glittering disaster of a vampire. Has turned my coming-out-as-a-werewolf moment into a chaotic drag performance sponsored by trauma and tail fluff.
And the worst part?
I don't hate it.
So.
I make that ADHD glittering mosquito sit on the couch. Firmly. Like I'm disciplining a gremlin child. And I flop beside him with the enthusiasm of a dying Victorian man.
Yes. He is still fidgeting with my tail.
And I swear-I SWEAR-he sniffed it.
Did he just-
"Did you just lick it??"
He blinks at me, all innocent. "Research purposes."
I'm going to combust. Right here. Death by flamboyant vampire cold tongue. Cause of death: curiosity kink.
"OK! So where to start," I grumble, trying to ignore the fact that he's now nesting into my tail like it's a weighted comfort blanket.
"Yup, let's start from the Popular Fuckboy Dominic Era."
He gasps dramatically and hides his face behind the very tail he just defiled, peeking out like some shy squirrel peeping through curtains.
Those damn sparkly eyes are watching me like I'm Netflix.
"Right. So I was your typical gym rat-slash-sports freak in college. Got into the college football team, and led it to win the inter-college championship first year."
Lean claps.
I glare.
He claps again.
"...Can you not interrupt my trauma flashback with a standing ovation?!"
He zips his mouth shut. Literally. Like, mimed a zipper. This guy.
"Anyway," I continue. "I was a wide receiver. MVP. The full goddamn dreamboat package. Girls? Lolling over me. I mean-look at me, I am Hot and Sexy!."
I flex. Subtly.
He nods with reverence. "You're like... if Zeus did crunches."
"Exactly, Good Boy!" I say smugly. "I partied. I had hookups. Lots. College dorm, rooftops, bathrooms-"
"-ew-"
"-don't ew me, you drink blood like it's boba tea."
He shrugs. "Fair."
"I was basically a womanizer," I sigh. "Acted like I was a Wattpad MC with bad decisions and a six-pack. And yeah... I liked sex. Still do. It's biology."
His eyes go saucer-wide. Sparkling. Glowing.
"BUT!" I growl, raising a warning finger. "Don't get ideas, sparkle-tooth. I like girls. That doesn't mean I'm not into guys."
"WAIT-" he clutches his chest like I just confessed a royal secret. "You're bi??"
"Do you want to hear the rest or should I bite you."
He purrs. "Kinky."
I choose to ignore that.
"Anyway. This happened like a year ago. I was jogging down the forest road near college. Earbuds in. Gym bag on my back. Late for a hookup."
"Whore," Lean whispers fondly.
"Shut it. I was living life, alright? No sins worse than mine out there. At least mine were consensual. Unlike half the sickos out there."
He nods slowly, more serious now.
I continue, jaw clenching a bit. "I was jogging. Just vibing to rap. When I heard it."
"Gunshots."
He stiffens beside me. And clutching my tail tightly.
"Stop clutching my tail it will fall off like a Doberman!! Do you want a Doberwolf?" He releases it for a second
"Anyway Came from the forest. Dumbass horror movie instincts kicked in. I peeked in-just a few steps. Not deep. Just to see what was happening."
Lean is staring at me like I'm the protagonist in a thriller now.
"And then-bam."
My fingers twitch slightly.
"All I can remember is fangs, Claws, Barks, growls, snarls and Pain. Something pounced me. I kicked, I punched-I fought like hell. But I was bleeding, slashed up, I couldn't even tell if I was human or minced meat anymore."
His hand finds mine. Quietly. He doesn't say anything.
"Then another gunshot. And I heard it-some animal yelped. It... whimpered. In pain."
I pause.
"Did I look back? No. I ran. Ran like my soul was on fire. Collapsed halfway down the road. Blacked out."
"And two days later..."
I give a joyless laugh.
"I wake up in a hospital bed. Bandaged like an trafficked Egyptian Mummy. My mom screeching at me like a banshee for almost dying."
Lean squeezes my hand.
"...Damn," he whispers.
"Yeah. It was Adventure though!"
I don't say it, but I think it:
That was the last day I was ever... normal.
🧛Lean's POV:
I stare at him.
No like, really stare. My face is like 😮 but in an attractive gothic-vampire way.
Dominic Quinn-the walking protein shake with legs, my resident grump puppy, my future husband if I have my way-just trauma dumped a whole supernatural backstory like it was nothing.
This man was like: "Oh yeah, I used to be a womanizer, and then BOOM! Gunshots. Fangs. Murder dog attack. Hospital. Trauma. Trauma. More trauma. Mommy yelled."
AND I'M SUPPOSED TO JUST SIT HERE? WITHOUT THROWING GLITTER IN THE AIR??
I gently place his tail down. Give it a little pat. For moral support.
Then I launch forward.
"WAIT-Did you eat someone?! Did you eat someone sexy?!"
His expression: 🧍♂️
Like he's re-evaluating his entire life and all his choices.
"I mean-just asking! For science! Also if you did, I wanna know what seasoning you prefer! Salt? Garlic? Rosemary??"
"Vamps!"
"WHAT!"
"I didn't eat anyone!"
"Are you sure? Like not even a tiny nibble? I feel like feral-you definitely took a bite out of someone's gym instructor at least."
He rubs his temples and his Wolfie cute patoti triangle ears twitch! I swear I can chomp those fuzzy things. "I literally just bled out in a forest."
"Oh. Right." I scoot closer, grabbing his hand again. "I'm sorry. I know I joke a lot but... that's horrible, Puppers!."
He goes quiet.
And I go quiet too.
My fingers wrap tighter around his. He doesn't pull away. Just looks at me like I'm something fragile-which is ironic, considering I've fought three biker vampires and two midnight men kids in a race and won.
"You didn't deserve that, you know?" I say softly. "None of it. You were just some dumb hot jock living your dumb hot life and BAM! Suddenly you're Jacob Black's fursona. But lets thing of the good part! Now you are more hot and sexy with this wolf ears and tail and more stong!! We can team up for a superhero due! 'SPARKLY BAT & PUPPER-MAN!' And fight off bad guys!! And save the day!" OK it do sounds stupid even to me!"
"...what."
"Shhh I'm making this comforting."
I lean against his shoulder.
"You're not alone anymore," I murmur. "You saved me. So now I get to stay. Even if you grow extra fangs and chase squirrels under the full moon, I'll still call you my puppy."
"Vamps-"
"Nope. You don't get to argue. This is how we do it in vamp-land. You almost died? You get cuddles. You turned into a werewolf? You get even more cuddles. You throw trucks? That's hot. More cuddles. Deal with it."
He sighs. But!! He smiled ok!! Ok maybe I am unlocking that Vampire seducing power! Wait those don't work on werewolves! Darn momma didn't even thought me how to mind read properly!
I poke his cheek. "Also. Just in case the werewolf stuff comes with an urge to mark your territory-I am open to being marked. Like emotionally. Not with pee."
"VAMPS-" OK now I am in trouble!
"I'M JUST SAYING."
He shoves my face away gently. But he's smiling.
Like... really smiling.
The kind where his eyes crinkle and he forgets for one second that he's carrying a thousand-pound secret on his back. Can you guys believe this emotionally disabled definitely in love grumpy man just kicked the ass of a damn car!
And in that moment?
I don't care if he's Big Bad Wolf or the Big Soft Idiot.
He's mine.
And I'm staying.
And awoo his Ears!!! So Cuteeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!
🐺Dominic's POV:
He's still clinging to me.
Actually on me. Draped across my lap like some clingy cat-vamp hybrid. One hand tangled in my tail. One hand in mine. And one knee basically in my ribs. That's three hands. I've lost track.
The math's not mathing. But his coldness is.
And the worst part?
I don't want to move.
Not even an inch.
He keeps talking-his voice a mix of nonsense and sweetness. Something about superhero duos. Something about being emotionally marked. Something about seasoning and garlic. I stopped following after the third dramatic gasp.
But I heard the part where he said:
"You're not alone anymore."
And that...
That one hit.
Harder than claws. Harder than gunshots.
I glance down at him. His ridiculous face. His sparkly lashes. His stupid nose. His very kissable lips. Ok you didn't hear that!
He's humming now. Actually humming. Like this is some post-trauma Disney musical.
"What are you humming," I mutter.
He perks up. "My theme song. For when I rescue emotionally constipated wolf boys from their self-loathing spiral."
I groan. "I'm not emotionally constipated. And what other Wolf boys you did this!!". No I don't care and definitely not jealous!
He raises an eyebrow.
"I just don't... process things like you do."
"You mean you don't monologue with jazz hands and tea?"
"Exactly."
He nods sagely. "We'll fix that."
And just like that, it's quiet for a moment. The kind of quiet where everything settles-not in an awkward way. But in a safe way.
And in that silence, something stupid inside me whispers:
Maybe this idiot was exactly what I needed.
I clear my throat. "So uh... you're really okay with this? With me?"
He blinks up at me.
Then grins.
"Puppers!" he says softly, "you could have three heads and a tail made of snakes and I'd still braid it, name each snake, and ask if you wanted matching collars."
"...That's terrifying."
"Love is terrifying."
"...You're terrifying. And where did love came here!"
He kisses my cheek. "And you're mine."
And just like that-
I let my head fall back against the couch.
And I smile.
A real one this time. But I didn't let him see that!! And definitely barked at him for that kiss!!
Because yeah.
He's chaos.
He's glitter.
He's dramatic as hell.
But he's also staying.
And that's all I need right now.
Ok! You wanna hear what happened next?
He wobbled his head like bobblehead dolls! And wrapping my tail around his neck like some stylish scarf!!!
—————————
🐺 Dominic's POV Continues
"So.
After that hospital mess, they let me out after two days. I was supposed to be fine. I thought I was fine.
I wasn't.
At first, it was little stuff. Headaches. Like someone was cracking my skull open with a fork. I couldn't sleep. My senses started going full horror movie."
"I used to wear glasses," I mutter. "Don't look at me like that—"
Lean's already wide-eyed, halfway chewing on my previous silky shampooed tail like it's popcorn.
"You would look damn nerdy hot in glasses" He smugs.
I pinch his nose "well you know not what else looks hot" I murmur. SHIT did I lost my mind saying that?
"What?"
"WhaT?"
"I couldn't catch that!"
"Nothing, let me continue...
But now? I could see two cockroaches fucking a mile away."
He chokes. "WHAT?!"
"And the hearing? God. I could hear everything. Like… twenty different moans down the street—"
"Oh my Devil," he whispers reverently. "You heard porn in surround sound."
"Vamps!"
"This is so cursed."
"VAMPS!"
Anyway. Back to trauma.
"Smells? I could smell deer poop a mile away. Deer poop. That's when I knew something was off. But at the same time… I felt strong. Fast. Like something inside me lit up.
Which would've been cool.
If my entire life hadn't turned into a dumpster fire next."
"First? Dogs. Fucking dogs started following me around campus like I was their gang leader."
Lean is wheezing now, clutching my arm. "I KNEW you had big dog energy—"
"Worst? I could literally hear female dogs gossip how hot I am! I thought I am having some hallucination shit!"
"Doganizer!"
"Its not a word!"
"I made it! Add it to the dictionary "
I ignored him.
"And the moon! Any moon. Crescent, half, whatever—it would make something in me itch. Tingle. Buzz. Like I was a walking pressure cooker."
"And the worst part?" I pause dramatically.
Lean's eyes glimmer with chaos. "Tell me."
"My sex life. Destroyed."
He SCREAMS. "NOOO!!!"
"My stamina went insane. Wild beast level. No girl could keep up. I was like a cursed Greek god. All of them ran mid-way. Crying. Cursing me."
"I'm crying right now—" Lean's face is in his hands, shoulders shaking. "Too hot for his own good. Tragic hero. But I can try, hehe!!"
"Shut up and can you stop trying to seduce me for a moment. It wasn't funny. I got grumpy. Angry. I was always on edge. Like if someone looked at me wrong, I'd break their jaw."
"You did break a guy's jaw," he mutters. "I saw you do that in my dream."
"Exactly! Wait what the fuck you have dreams of me? Anyways I broke ten noses that week. Ended up in detention. Got banned from practice. Sent home."
I exhale shakily.
"And then I lost it there too. With my parents. I broke stuff. Screamed, pull a door off its hinges while trying to act mad! And got my ass nicely wooped my mom! I didn't mean to—it just… happened."
There's a pause.
Then two cold hands reach over and grab mine. Softly. Steady. Without judgment.
I look at him.
He's just sitting there. Holding on.
Listening.
So I go on.
"I realized I couldn't be around people anymore. I didn't want to hurt anyone. So I took my scholarship savings, MVP bonuses, and whatever I had in my bank—and got this apartment. On a 3-year lease. To isolate myself. To stop the damage."
Lean nods. "Self-imposed exile. Very brooding antihero of you."
"…Mom said I wasted money. But I knew I had to."
Another pause.
"And then… it happened."
He perks up, serious now.
"The full moon night."
I don't realize I'm shaking and sweating and maybe a dump eye until I'm already pulling him closer. Arms locked around him. His cold skin pressing into my chest. He is huffing for CO2! Yup he said me that vampire's take CO2!
"Okay," he whispers. "Okay, I'm here, just dont crush me Puppers!"
"I turned. Into a beast. A monster. I could feel my bones breaking. Shifting. Every part of me stretched, snapped, and rebuilt itself. My skin burned. My voice shredded. My heart—fuck, my soul—was howling."
I clutch him tighter. He gasps a bit—probably because I'm crushing him—but he doesn't move. He lets me.
"I lost control," I say hoarsely. "I broke everything. Tore through the apartment like an animal.
Went to the near farm carnaged the cows, sheeps, pigs and basically everything that moved, traumatizing the farm dog! Who begged me to go, and yup! Dog to dog thing workd and I ran! As I got cased with the farmers owner and I dont know maybe the whole town into the forest, they shoot me too, but miraculously those bullets just scratched me! I managed to escape."
*Ackward Silence, crickets fucking in distance!*
"One dumb friend of mine helped me to escape, he literally got an heart attack seeing me but yeah saved my fuzzy ass"
**well guys! That dude is more feral than lean! Hope you meet him soon!**
I bury my face into his golden curls.
They smell like sunlight and cold cream, cinamon rolls and something sweet I can't name.
It's… comforting.
Addictive.
I take a long inhale.
"Why do you smell so good," I mumble.
He mumbles back into my shirt, voice muffled. "That's called natural vampire allure, darling. Comes with the basics vampire operating system as pre-installed features! But it dont works with wolves in general, dont know how's it working with you!."
(EVANDER: Because you are his Fucking Mate and he is naturally attracted to your pheromones!! 🤦♂️)
I huff a laugh. But I don't let go.
Not yet.
Because for the first time in a long time—
I don't feel like a monster.
I feel… held in glittery and chaos.
🧛Lean's POV
(aka: "I volunteer as emotional support bird!!")
Okay.
So here's the thing.
I was not prepared for this level of backstory.
Like, I expected some sad wolfy trauma. A little sniffle. A sad howl. Maybe a "boohoo I have claws now" moment.
BUT THIS???
THIS MAN LITERALLY BECAME A FOREST CRYPTID AND TRAUMATIZED A FARM FAMILY WITH HIS WEREWOLF PEEN.
And I??
Am holding him like a weighted blanket with glitter.
He's burying his stupidly handsome face in my curls. Clutching me like I'm a flotation device and he's sinking in a pool of feelings.
And baby I am here. I am soft. I am squishable. I am exactly 6 ft of licensed emotional support chaos. And aww he is so warm and fuzzy! And he smells so damn manly!! Woody! sweaty! Musky! And piney! And definitely grumpy!
But also.
HE SMELLED DEER POOP FROM MILES AWAY.
I mean—okay yes, that's sad and tragic and all, but also, his new powers are basically:
✅ Enhanced trauma
✅ Enhanced sex drive
✅ Enhanced nose
✅ No social skills
MY PERFECT MAN!
Anyway. He's shaking. So I pat his back. Gently.
Like I'm burping a massive, emotionally damaged baby bear.
"Okay, okay, okay…" I coo, "Shhhh, my precious fanged toaster waffle. I'm here."
He lets out a muffled groan into my neck. "Why do you smell like heaven and sugar cookies and the feeling of Christmas Eve. With Cinamon rolls!"
I blink.
Oh no.
He's scent-bonding.
Oh no.
Okay okay okay don't panic.
This is fine. This is okay. This is like, totally normal in vampire-wolf lore.
…Right??
(IT'S NOT. IT'S MATE CODE RED. MATE ALARM. MATE SIREN. EVANDER DO SOMETHING, HE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HE IS DOING! WAIT EXACTLY WHAT IS HE DOING? WAIT EVE! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA MAKE HIM DO!)
But I just giggled.
Because he's finally letting me be here for him.
Letting himself feel things.
And that matters more than any of the growling or trauma or accidental farm streaking.
"Puppers," I say softly, brushing his hair back, "listen to me."
He doesn't move.
"You're not a monster. You're not cursed. You're just… spicy. And occasionally feral. A big Grumpy Doggo!!"
A huff. "Spicy?"
"Yup." I grin. "You're my spicy, bitey, moody little murder marshmallow. And I'm not going anywhere. In fact!" I pull back, dramatically placing one hand on his floofy tail.
"I am officially declaring myself your full-time certified, licensed, vampire-assigned emotional support bat."
"…What qualifications do you even have—"
"I wear glitter. I give cuddles. I offer emotional wisdom through pop culture references and unsolicited affection. Also, I once bit a teacher in second grade."
"…Why."
"He gave me a B-minus."
Dominic actually snorts.
Like, a full nose-snort.
Success. 💅
Then I get serious. Just for a second.
(Yes, I am capable. Stop laughing.)
"Puppers" I whisper. "You saved me. With all your weird growls and fluffy rage. So now it's my turn. You're not alone anymore."
He doesn't speak. Just tightens his grip around me like I'll vanish if he lets go.
Spoiler: I won't.
I nuzzle closer, wrapping my arms around his torso like a sash of gay comfort. Ok this is too Gay even for Me! This DEFINITELY Bi-sexual disaster!
Also, I casually tuck his tail back around my neck like a scarf. Again.
Listen. If the tail fits, I'm gonna wear it.
"I'm gonna stay," I whisper into his chest. "Forever, if you'll let me. Even if you start chasing squirrels and peeing on furniture."
He growls. Low. "I'm not gonna pee on furniture."
"Fine," I yawn. "But if you do, I'm getting you glittery puppy pads."
Another snort.
A low chuckle.
And then he finally whispers, "Thanks, Vamps!"
I smile against his heartbeat.
"Anytime, Puppers!"
(Also—no one tell him I'm, like, definitely in love with him now. I'm saving that meltdown for another chapter).
🐺 Dominic's POV:
(aka: I'm Not Gay™, I Just Have Vampire-Induced Werewolf Feelings™):
Okay.
This is getting GAY.
And let me be clear—I am NOT gay.
I just… like this one very specific, chaotic, glitter-covered, golden-crowned flying fox of a vampire who purrs when he sips boba and wraps my tail around his neck like a couture scarf.
That's not gay.
That's… vampiresexual. Or maybe species-compatible affection.
…Fuck, is that zoophilia?
Wait. I'm a wolf. He's a bat. That's animal liking animal, right?
That's not illegal. I think.
I cannot go to jail for this. I still have student loans.
Anyway.
I need to get out of here before I turn into a full-blown furry romance novel.
College awaits. Or at least, that one group project I've been ignoring for four weeks.
So I gently wrestle the vampire off of me—yes, gently, because if I throw him, he might cry. And then I'll cry, no I mean growl. And then the entire apartment will drown in tears and glitter.
But here's the weird part.
As soon as I stand up…
My ears are gone. My tail's gone.
Like—poof! Gone. No more fluffy puppy cosplay.
And you know what? I think…
His scent did that.
His insane, sweet, spiced-cinnamon-vampire scent actually helped me pull the wolf back inside.
That should not be hot.
That should not be comforting.
And yet.
"Okay," I mutter, running a hand through my now tail-free ass. "You get pancakes."
He's still tangled in the blanket, blinking like I just proposed marriage. "Wha—?"
"You're clingy. You're sparkly. You're annoying. But you also smell like peace. So. Pancakes."
"IS THIS A COURTSHIP RITUAL???"
I don't answer. I just stomp to the kitchen.
---
Cut to: Pancake Warzone.
I'm mixing batter with the intensity of a man suppressing centuries of werewolf trauma.
He's hovering behind me, narrating everything like it's a reality TV show.
"Ooooh, Puppers flips with precision. Such wrist action. 10/10. Gordon Ramsay could never."
"Vamps, I will throw batter at you."
"Is that foreplay or a threat? Either way, I'm intrigued."
Eventually, I make actual pancakes. Like, the fluffy kind. Stack of five. No maple syrup cause he his allergic to it, so honey, don't worry. He gets extra honey. Because I'm a Alpha wolf! And I take care of my whatever this situationship is called and he's a sugar-craving bat with a black hole for a soul.
He eats them like a baby dragon who hasn't been fed in 600 years.
Eyes sparkling. Honey on his nose. A little whipped cream on his collarbone somehow?? I don't ask. But look at him amazed, like how am I even falling for those menace.
We eat. In weird, domestic silence.
And then I stand up, grab my bag, and look at him.
"Okay. I'm heading to class."
He instantly panics. "WAIT! NO! YOU CAN'T GO! I'LL DIE WITHOUT YOU!"
"You've been alive for a thousand years or whatever—"
"WHAT NO!! I AM JUST 21! WE CELEBRATED OUR BIRTHDAY! I AM BASICALLY A BABY VAMPIRE!! I'M FRAGILE!"
He jumps on me. Full cling. Arms around my waist. Legs threatening to koala my thigh.
"Vamps."
"No."
"Vamps!!."
"You need supervision. What if someone flirts with you. What if you die. What if a pigeon attacks and I'm not there to throw hands."
"I'm just going to campus—"
"TAKE ME WITH YOU."
"No."
I pry him off like an overgrown barnacle, pat his sparkly head, and shove him back toward the couch.
"Stay. Eat leftover pancakes. Don't sniff my pillows. And if you touch my PlayStation, I will bite you back AND DEFINITELY NOT GO TO MY KITCHEN!."
He pouts. "I'll be lonelyyyyy."
"You'll survive. Just watch tom and jerry! And you have a damn phone now! Call me if you get in trouble!"
I grab my hoodie.
And as I open the door, he calls—
"BYE PUPPERS! COME BACK IN ONE PIECE OR I'M MAKING A SHRINE!!"
…I close the door.
And smile.
Freaking bat.
But my bat.