Harry Potter and the Streak of Insanity by ElHope333 »
Chapter 22: Harry And The Oblivious Order Of Phoenix
Harry quickly returned to his usual crazy self. It was a bit of an escape for him: the childish behaviour, the jokes, the amusement it brought to others. And nobody had died, so he wasn't grieving, just... processing the weight of Voldy being back.
To Harry's slight disappointment, they didn't stay at the burrow for long. Dumbledore dropped by a week into the holidays and requested they move into 12 Grimmauld Place for the reformation of the Order. Molly had been furious, muttering angrily to herself as she hastily threw random objects she absolutely could not live without into suitcases and harped on at her children, Harry included, to hurry up and pack.
"I don't understand the rush." Ron had grouched, throwing his belongings haphazardly into his trunk. Harry, who could see Daphne and Hermione's glares in the back of his head, folded his clothes carefully. He was relieved he did so, because Hermione herself showed up minutes later, having received a visit from Arthur Weasley at Dumbledore's request, and joined the party.
"You call this packing, Ronald?" She said immediately with a disapproving look. Ron gulped. Harry grinned widely and skipped downstairs so ask the really friendly gnomes for his socks back. If he packed one or five gnomes for the fun of it, who would know?
They left quickly, and apparated directly into the kitchen, where they were greeted by Remus.
"This is one of the Black family properties." He explained quickly after giving Harry a hug. "Be quiet in the hallway, or Walburga will never shut up. And don't expect any nice behaviour from Kreacher. He's a bit... odd."
"Black family? Is Sirius here then?" Harry asked.
"Not yet. He gave me the address so we could gain access to the property. He asked me to pass on the message, Molly, that if you desperately cannot handle the itch of giving the place a good clean you may do so. But please do not chuck anything away, send it to the attic, which is heavily warded so he can go through it at a later time. He does request that if you know how, Walburga can go for good. Oh, and don't involve the children in the cleaning, it could be dangerous."
Molly, and surprisingly the twins, looked vaguely disappointed.
They all headed upstairs to choose bedrooms. Harry and Ron opted to share, and Hermione shared with Ginny. The twins shared, and Percy had vanished into thin air the night before after a huge fight with his parents.
Grimmauld place was boring. They spent most days holed up on the top floors, banned from the main floor during order meetings. Harry had tried everything - Wheedling, manipulating, even begging and bartering, but Molly wouldn't crack.
"Whilst you are under my legal supervision, you will be staying far, far away from this war business." She said sternly, wagging a finger at him.
"Fine, have it your way then!" Harry said, far too brightly. Remus narrowed his eyes, but didn't say anything.
So, naturally, chaos ensued.
Bored out of their minds, Harry decided it was time for the fun to begin again, after being relatively calm for a few weeks. This time, however, he roped in the twins as well as Ron, Hermione, and Ginny.
The next week was spent finding more and more creative ways to randomly disrupt the order meetings.
The first time was the easiest, as everyone had their guards down. The children had been model children and had been staying out of the way. So no one even batted an eyelash when everyone piled into the kitchen for the latest meeting, the twins and Harry among them.
They lasted for thirty minutes without detection, simply by staying quiet. Harry was honestly shocked they hadn't been caught out much earlier.
"If you think Voldemort is possessing me, you could just take me to Gringotts." Harry said evenly after an outburst from a man he didn't recognise. "The goblins are great with that stuff."
"HARRY JAMES POTTER!" Molly yelled. Harry smiled and waved.
"He's got a point though." Bill said. "I can take him?"
"That won't be necessary." Dumbledore said hastily. Harry frowned.
Moody cackled loudly, and everyone turned to look at him.
"Potter, you're a maniac. How did you get in here?"
Harry shrugged. "Through the door." He said simply. Moody laughed harder.
"Harry, you can't just let yourself in to Order meetings." Dumbledore scolded.
"I didn't let myself in, whoever was watching the door to check who entered did." Everyone looked around silently. Wait, who had been on door duty?
"Seriously? No one watched the door for suspicious people trying to get in?" Harry asked, flabbergasted. "My my, not much constant vigilance going on in here then. Blimey, Voldy himself could enter and no one would've batted an eyelash!"
"That was my line." Moody said sadly.
"Okay then, from now on, it's my personal mission to ensure your meetings are foolproof!" Harry said brightly.
Remus sighed. Loudly.
"Hermione will help, she's got more brains than everyone in here put together. No offence Minnie, you're clever too."
"Thank you, Potter!"
"Yeah!" The twins chorused, and apparated away before their mother could reach them.
"Well, this was fun, but I have business to attend to." Harry yawned, looking at his watch-less wrist with a tut. "Meeting adjourned." Many people stood themselves up and began to leave, despite the order coming from someone who wasn't even a member. Remus laughed silently as Dumbledore tried to maintain control as Harry waltzed from the room.
On the day of the next meeting Molly stood by the door, vetting everyone at they entered.
"Er, Molly?"
"What, Arthur?"
"Did you make sure the kitchen was empty before letting everybody in?"
"Why?" Arthur pointed at the table, where Harry was banging a gavel with a white wig from goodness knows where balanced on his head.
"Order!" He exclaimed. "Order in the court!"
This time, Molly dragged him out by the ear.
At the third meeting, he decided not to bother everyone. Well, not until it had already started anyway. He simply opened the door and let himself in, coughing loudly.
"Mr Potter-"
"Oh, Hello Minnie! Long time not see! Anyway, I just came to tell you, Fawkes wants a burger."
"Huh?" Charlie said eloquently.
"That's you job, isn't it? The Order of the Phoenix? Honestly, you people are not very good employees." Harry shook his head in disappointment and left the room. No one noticed the scroll in his hand.
"Department of Mysteries?" Draco said in confusion, snatching the scroll as soon as Harry had returned upstairs. "What do they want with that place?"
"Who knows." Daphne shrugged. "There's all sorts of stuff down there. My uncle is an Unspeakable."
"I'll go and ask." Harry said. "You two should come with me."
Harry, flanked by the two Slytherins, pulled a key out of his pocket and unlocked the now-locked door, and re-entered the meeting.
"What's the Department of Mysteries?" He asked sweetly.
"POT- Mr Malfoy, Miss Greengrass, what are doing here?" Severus asked, eyebrows disappearing into his hairline. Which was a lot higher than it used to be, Harry mused.
"Oh, they got here last week." Harry said nonchalantly.
"Harry, if they'd gotten here last week, we would've known." Remus said. "This property is under Fidelius."
"Yeah, and Sirius is the secret keeper." Harry retorted. "I wrote to him, he showed Mrs Tonks, and she managed to speak to her sister, who managed to persuade Voldy to let Draco leave to stay with the Greengrasses for the summer, who then sent the three angsty teens to the Tonkses', and then Sirius gave them the address and they flooed here!"
"But we would've seen them in the house!" Remus argued.
Harry guiltily pulled the invisibility cloak out of Draco's pocket.
"Wait, three?" Bill asked suddenly.
Astoria waved sheepishly from the doorway. Molly practically fainted.
"Anyway, in all honestly they only arrived yesterday." Harry said. "Since no one was doing anything about the underage teenage boy living in a house with the Dark Lord, we took matters into our own hands. Again"
He didn't mention that Sirius had also given the address to Luna and Neville, who arrived later that same day.
Things were much more lively after that.
After the Order began warding the kitchen door beyond Daphne's capabilities, they had to resort to the Weasley's newest invention, extendable ears. But Crookshanks seemed to be on Remus' side, and would attack the ears with gusto whenever she saw them.
"Just because you're his favourite and he gives you extra biscuits." Harry said to her grumpily. He swore she smirked at him.
Then, Harry had a genius idea.
No one knew how did it, and it's a secret that will die with Harry, but somehow, sometime, someplace, he managed to befriend Kreacher. Luna seemed to know, but she refused to say anything too.
So, when the next order meeting was in full swing, Kreacher voluntarily apparated Harry right into the middle of the table.
"Hi!" He said. "Guess you forgot house elf magic overrides wizard wards, huh? Oh, what's a prophecy?"
He didn't escape the stinging hex from Molly this time.
Then, as if things couldn't get any more exciting, Harry received an official looking letter over breakfast.
"Oh no, that's not good." He said airily.
"What is it?" Hermione snatched the letter, and went pale. "Expelled? How-"
"Fate worse than death." Ron said sadly, looking at Harry. Both them fell out of their chairs in a fit of laughter. Only Hermione seemed to get the joke, and kicked them both. Hard.
"This isn't funny, boys. Harry, you've been expelled from school! Honestly, why aren't you upset?"
"Because it's another nonsense plot drying to defame me, Hermione." Harry said. "Defame? Is that a word? Who knows. Look, it won't stick. Dumbledore and Amelia Bones won't let it. And I haven't even been in Privet Drive to cast any spells, it's all too fake to stick."
He didn't stop Hermione from showing the Weasleys and Remus though. Just in case.
"Guess I'm not a student anymore." Harry said cheerfully. "Can I join the Order then?"
"Harry, dear boy, no need to panic." Dumbledore said, stepping out of the fireplace. "I've spoken to the Minister, and you have a hearing scheduled for next Tuesday."
"Aw man, I wanted to go rogue." Harry said, looking disappointed. Remus stifled a smile. It really wasn't funny, after all. It wasn't. Okay, maybe just a little bit.
Draco bit back a snort. "You're already rogue."
"Yeah, rogue-ishly handsome." Harry said, winking at Ginny, who mimed being sick.
"You need to stop saying that, you're becoming conceited." Neville said, shaking his head.
"Conceited? That's a big word." Harry commented. "I don't like big words, they're excruciatingly frustrating in such an underhand manner."
"Manner does not count as a big word." Daphne said sternly.
"Posh, then." Harry said. "Anyway, thank you Mr Dumbledore, but I'll take the expulsion please."
"HARRY JAME-"
"Fine, fine! I won't." Harry held his hands up in surrender. The twins high fived him. Molly gave up and went to finish cooking.
Things only got worse when Sirius was finally cleared to visit.
"HARRY!"
"PADFOOT!"
"I've only got five hours." Sirius said.
"Quick-fire prank battle?" Harry asked innocently.
"You're on." They shook, and the game began.
"I can't believe you turned my mother's house elf into a prank master." Sirius said four hours later, covered in slime and bits of banana and exhausted.
"He's a legend. I reckon Regulus had already taught him!"
Sirius turned his head sharply.
"You know about Regulus?"
"I know about lots of things." Harry responded simply.
"Why don't you tell anyone then?"
"Nobody asks me!"
Sirius shrugged. "Fair play. Know anything that might lead you to be killed you think we should know about?"
"I think a bit of Voldemort lives in my head."
"Cool. Which part?"
"I dunno, his nose? He seems to be missing that."
"Have you told Dumbledore?"
"Nah, he buzzes too much and it's irritating. Besides, I'm dealing with it. Oh, by the way, Have you seen Slytherin's Locket lying around anywhere?"
"Why?"
"Kreacher and I have a theory."
"It it going to cause trouble?"
"Definitely."
"Then it's in the third floor drawing room in the sixth cabinet to the left. Don't touch it though, it's cursed."
"Cool. Oh look, Tonks is here!"
"Ugh, for the last time Nymph, I do not need to be babysat by my younger cousin, It's embarrassing!"
"Hey, shut your pie hole, my mum sent me to come and collect you!"
"That's even worse! Bye Prongslet."
"By Paddy."
Remus turned to look at Bill, who was trying to keep a straight face.
"That's the strangest conversation I've ever heard." He told the redhead, who leaned back, a knowing look in his eye.
"Tell me about it."
"Potter?"
"Yes Professor Moody?"
"Why didn't you just use your invisibility cloak to sneak into the meeting?"
Harry winked. "Who said I didn't?"
"HA! Nice try, my eye can see right through them."
"... What, this eye?" Harry pulled a frantically spinning eye from his pocket.
"What, but..." Moody pulled the fake eye from his socket. How he hadn't noticed the switch was beyond Harry.
"POTTER!"
Harry ran for his life. He never told Moody the room was warded against Invisibility cloaks by Dumbledore.
Chapter 23: Expelled? Hopefully!
"Good morning lovely rays of sunshine!" Harry sang as he entered the kitchen. Remus ignored him, Daphne glared at him, Draco turned the page of the daily prophet, Hermione rolled her eyes, Ron was too busy stuffing his face with food to acknowledge him and Ginny let her head fall to the table with a loud thwack. Neville sighed. Loudly. Luna wasn't there - she had gone to see her dad the night before and wasn't due back until lunchtime.
"Nice lot of people you are." Harry said sulkily.
"Morning everyone!" Astoria said cheerfully, entering the kitchen.
"See?" Harry exclaimed, standing up. "Astoria has manners! Anyway, I'll forgive you, it is 7:30 am in the summer after all. The twins are still in bed. Anything interesting in the paper today Draco?"
"Apparently you're a psychotic madman who made up Voldemort's return today." He deadpanned.
Harry sighed, disappointed. "Shame, yesterday I was the hero who saved us all and the day before I was a poor orphan driven mad by hallucinations."
"What's the bet tomorrow you're just an idiot who had a bad dream?" Ginny snarked, still annoyed that Harry woke her up by blowing a trumpet in her face and had the nerve to go back to sleep afterwards.
"Well, that stung."
"Yeah, so do my ears!"
"Now now, children." Remus said half-heartedly.
"Oh yeah! You should all know, I received an owl about fifteen minutes ago! They've changed the time of my hearing." Harry said ten minutes later, when Molly had dished up breakfast and Arthur had finally managed to drag the twins out of bed.
Remus looked up. "What? To when?"
"8 am, Department of Mysteries." Harry said nonchalantly.
"Harry, wh- That's in ten minutes!" Molly shrieked, taking Harry's plate back and pushing him out of the kitchen. "Go get ready, quickly!"
Harry sighed and trudged slowly down the corridor.
He took seven minutes to get ready, and Arthur decided it was the best course of action to apparate.
"Ready?"
"Yeah, just one more thing." Harry ran into the hallway, pulled the curtains back with flourish, and grinned at the furious portrait of Walburga Black.
"Wakey Wakey!" He yelled, before running for his life. Arthur grabbed him on his way past and apparated.
Harry was in for it later, but it was so worth it.
They arrived in the atrium, handed over their wands, and sprinted to the courtroom. Arthur wished him luck and hugged him briefly. Harry waltzed into the courtroom confidently, taking a seat in the prisoner's chair and waving at Fudge.
"Hi Minister! How's the wife?"
"Be quiet Mr Potter, this court is in session!"
"But you don't have the wig on!"
"Wig, what wi- nevermind. Let's begin, shall we?"
Harry swung his legs merrily. The chains on the chair were really quite loud, they should probably oil them or-
"Hem hem!" Harry abruptly stopped talking to himself, and looked up. An obnoxiously pink woman who looked a bit like a toad was coughing at him.
"Are you ill, ma'am?" Harry asked politely. He heard someone stifle a snort.
"No, boy. Simply trying to get your attention, as you weren't paying any. You are being accused of using casting a patronus cham in front of a muggle." The woman simpered.
"You what?" Harry said intelligently.
"A patronus charm was cast at your place of residence in surrey last week."
"Oh. How odd, I wasn't even there." Harry said bluntly, blinking at the pink woman. "Wait, I've seen you before!"
"I highly doubt that!" She said. Wow, her voice was really irritating.
Harry snapped his fingers. "Got it! I've seen you in my dreams! Funny, you're usually green in those as well as pink."
"Enough, Mr Potter! We are discussing the matter at hand!"
"I don't really feel like it, sorry. Besides, I wasn't even there!"
"Were too!"
"Was not!"
"Were too!"
"Was not!"
"Were too!"
"Was-"
"Enough!" Madam Bones exclaimed. "This is ridiculous. Harry, your cousin almost received the dementor's kiss last week. Luckily, someone stepped in and cast a patronus to save his soul. If I give you your wand, will you please cast a patronus so we can see its form and end this madness?"
"So you can compare it to the one spotted in Privet Drive? I guess so!" Harry shrugged, and took his wand from Tonks, who was desperately trying not to laugh.
"Expecto patronum!"
"A sta- an ostrich?"
"Apparently I bury my head in the sand when things get tough or something. Just kidding, it's actually a stag." Harry waved his wand again and the glamour fell, revealing his stag patronus.
"There, he's clearly guilty. The muggle boy saw a stag. Confess, boy!"
"If I do, will you expel me?" Harry asked hopefully.
"... yes. Obviously."
"Then ye- OH NO! Go away please Professor Dumbledore, I'm trying to get expelled here!"
Harry folded his arms and sulked whilst Dumbledore and Fudge had a head-to-head word war.
"You know, this would make a really good tv show." Harry said to one of the burly aurors flanking him, who sneered.
"Okay, be unfriendly then, see if I care. I wish Colin was here right now. Hey, Kreacher?"
"Master Harry Potter, what can Kreacher be doing for you today?"
"Firstly, just Harry is fine. Secondly, could you pretty please kidnap Colin and his camera for a few minutes?"
"Yes Sir."
"Potter, that's not really the done thing-"
"There isn't a law against it though, I checked!"
"Because it's so crazy no one has ever even thought about it!"
"Well, now they have, you can make a law. Hi Colin! Aim at Dumbledore and Fudge, it is going down! Here, use this to get closer!" Harry handed him the invisibility cloak (which no one had thought to search him for, very safe) and watched with delight as Dumbledore pulled Mrs Figg out of thin air.
"Arabella!" Harry said cheerfully. "How're the kneazles?"
"Very well thank you dear." Harry nodded, smiling brightly at the pink woman, who looked like she wanted to murder him.
"I feel like this isn't the end of her." Harry murmured to himself.
"Cleared of all charges!" Fudge cried out, banging a gavel.
"What? No, you can't do that! Me and Sirius were going to go to Los Angeles and pretend to be TV stars! We had fake names planned out and everything! I would be Daniel Radcliffe cause I'm so rad, and Sirius was going to be Gary Oldman cause he's old! You've just ruined my life." Harry said, looking very serious. "Sirus-ly (Haha, get it Madam Bones? Sirius, Serious? Not funny? Oh okay), this isn't cool Fudge, you were supposed to expel me."
"Too bad, Potter." Fudge looked much happier now that Harry was clearly disappointed. "Dismissed."
Before Harry headed home, he told Arthur he wanted to meet Susan for lunch and spend the afternoon with her Diagon Alley. He asked awkwardly enough for Arthur to ruffle his hair with a knowing smile and wish him luck.
"I'm free!" Harry whispered to thin air. "Let's go."
Harry returned to Grimmauld place, looking gloomy.
"You got expelled?" Hermione said, looking worried.
"No." Harry said sadly. "I have to tell Sirius that our Los Angeles plans are cancelled."
"Great fake name choices by the way." Tonks said, plonking herself down next to him at the dining table. "Who would everyone else be?"
"Oooo, that's fun!" Harry said. "I'll go first. Ron would be Rupert Grint, because he grins a lot."
"My turn!" Tonks said. "Ginny would be... Bonnie Wright. Because she thinks she's right all the time."
"Hey! Fine, you'd be... Natalia Gastiain Tena. Because you hate long names."
"And you're a ten!" Harry added, helpfully for Tonks, unhelpfully for Ginny.
"Draco would be Tom Felton." Hermione said. "Because when Harry steals his hair products they basically re-enact Tom and Jerry."
"Who's Tom and Jerry?"
"Ugh, Wizards." Harry said with an eye roll. "Fancy not knowing Tom and Jerry. Hermione would be Emma Watson, because she always knows what's what."
"Luna would be -"
"Evanna Lynch." Luna said firmly.
"But there's no explana- actually, that suits you perfectly!" Ron said in surprise.
"Neville would be Matthew Lewis, because Matthew sounds like a sneeze and he sneezes a lot."
"That's a bit of a stretch." Neville argued, then sneezed loudly.
"What about Daphne and Astoria?" Draco asked.
"Yeah, what about me?" The two girls said simultaneously. Harry did a double take, the two were so alike, and looked incredibly similar.
"If Astoria wasn't so short, I'd get you mixed up all the time." Harry said, earning himself two glares. "Anyways, I honestly don't know who you two would be, sorry."
"That's not fair!" Daphne exclaimed, looking outraged. "You did everyone else!"
"Astoria looks like a Jade, because her eyes are a dark green and she lowkey gives Jade West energy."
"Harry, shhhh, that show hasn't come out yet." Luna whispered.
"Whoopsie!"
"And me?" Daphne asked, looking ready to commit murder.
"Molly said can one of you please lay the table? Dinner's ready." Remus said, entering the dining room.
"Sure thing, David!" Harry responded brightly.
"Even Remus gets one! I am so going to kill you Potter."
"What? It isn't my fault he looks like a David!"
Daphne huffed.
Dinner was a sombre affair. The Weasley twins, who understood Harry's disappointment about once again being tied to schooling, used magic (because they were of age! Woohoo!) to drape black fabric over the ceiling, light candles and Harry persuaded Kreacher to play sad music on a piano the twins levitated into the kitchen.
"What's this, a funeral?" Kingsley Shacklebolt said mildly as he and Tonks entered the kitchen.
"Pretty much." Harry replied. "All my dreams got decapitated by Fudge."
"Harry James Potter, you should be thanking your lucky stars you can still attend school young man!" Molly scolded.
"Thanking my lucky stars? I didn't do anything wrong in the first place!" Harry argued.
"Except in the actual hearing." Tonks said unhelpfully. "Did I hallucinate or did you summon a student with a camera?"
Harry went pale.
"Kreacher..." He said slowly. The elf understood and vanished.
"Harry Potter, what did you do?" Hermione said darkly.
Harry gulped "Errr." But he was saved by the sound of Kreacher popping back, a slightly dishevelled Colin with him, who tossed Harry his invisibility cloak.
"You forgot me." He said mournfully.
"I am SO sorry, Colin." Harry said, hugging the younger boy. "Tell you what, take 300 people points."
"FAVOURITISM!" Ginny yelled angrily, punching the table.
"Thanks, Harry. Can I go home now?"
"Of course, bye Hugh!"
Daphne stormed out of the room. Neville sneezed. Ron grinned.
"You're all SO predictable." Harry said, rolling his eyes.
Molly rounded on him before Neville and Ron could start arguing with him.
"Harry, what does Colin mean by "You forgot me"?" She asked, eyes dangerously narrowed.
"Um."
"Tonks? Care to explain?"
"Errrrrr, Bye!" She disappeared with a crack. Kingsley, however, was a let down.
"I'm assuming Colin was left in the ministry stranded all day."
"All day? Harry, explain yourself!" Molly demanded.
"I'm sorry!" He exclaimed. "I met up with Susan and Colin tagged a long, we wanted to explore the wizarding world a bit. Then when I took Susan back to her aunt, I must've left Colin there too. Oh by the way, Susan's coming to stay tomorrow, we have a group project to work on."
"Is that so, dear boy? I wasn't aware of any group projects for our fifth years." Dumbledore said, entering the room. Harry scowled. The man was supposed to be ignoring him this year, Luna said so!
"The plot changed." Luna whispered to him. Harry sighed heavily.
"Oh, it's not for school, we want to learn more about ministry laws so I can get myself expelled again." Harry was glad Draco and Daphne taught them all Legilimency over the summer.
"Oh, please do." Snape said monotonously.
"Why are you here, sir? No one invited you." Ginny asked rudely.
"Potter did, actually."
"I thought Draco would want to see his Godfather!" Harry said instantly, holding his hands up in surrender when Ginny turned to him. "Goodness me, is it pick on Harry day or something?"
"Oooh, we should do a pick on Harry day every month." Neville sneezed.
"Yes please." Daphne agreed, re-entering the room and sitting down next to Draco.
"You've all been demoted." Harry said flatly. "Luna is my only favourite now. And Fred, George and Susan. The rest of you suck."
"As if." Hermione said snippily. "You love everyone equally."
"Because you're all so annoyingly loveable!" Harry said, throwing his hands up in frustration. "It's impossible to be mad at you for more than 20 minutes!"
"Oh, the horror." Snape and Remus said sarcastically, at the exact same time, with the same facial expression.
"I know right?" Harry said. He didn't really pick up on sarcasm much. Or pretended not to, no one could tell.
Harry inwardly grinned to himself. Oh, if only the adults all knew! His friends were going freak out when Susan arrived.
Chapter 24: A Gnome-tastic Last Week Of Summer
Susan arrived and Remus complained the house was being flooded with too many hormonal teenagers to keep up with, so he hid in the library for two weeks.
"Mooooooony I miss you!" Harry whined through the door, wriggling the doorknob. Remus turned his page, only half-heartedly responding.
"Should've thought about that before you let the twins switch my shampoo with blue hair dye Harry!"
"To be fair that's, like, the oldest prank in the book and you really should've been prepared for it." Harry said evenly. "Anyway, Molly says if you don't come out soon I am allowed to find a more creative way to force you to. Apparently you're really important to Fawkes."
Remus sighed heavily, and finished the sentence of his book before responding. He really did hate people interrupting his reading. "Fawkes?"
"Yeah. I don't know why though, you still haven't given him a burger. Or even fries!"
"Harry?"
"Yes?"
"Go away."
Harry turned to Ginny, whose wide grin matched his own.
"Go time?"
"Go time." Ginny laughed evilly and grabbed Harry's bag, quickly unlocking the door and throwing the bag in before slamming it shut and locking it again.
"Hey, I'd warded that!" Remus complained.
"Yeah, well, Daphne is really good at wards!" Harry retorted, before adding a hasty "Don't tell Molly or the ministry she used magic underage." Ginny snorted, probably because her mother came before the ministry in Harry's 'scary people that tell me off' scale. Remus didn't respond. Harry's grin slowly got wider.
"Harry?"
"Yes?"
"Your bag is moving."
Harry laughed delightedly when he heard Remus' shout of surprise. Ginny cackled, sliding down against the wall with tears streaming down her face.
"What have you two done now?" Neville asked them suspiciously on his way past.
"Our garden needed de-gnome-ing." Ginny said innocently. "We couldn't very well leave them there to just come back again whilst we were gone, though, could we?"
Fred and George apparated (Harry was still incredibly jealous) right next to them, smiling from ear to ear.
"We'll show you the memories in the pensieve Sirius got you later." George promised.
At dinner, Remus was bruised and scowling, but he was present. Molly gave Harry a look, but she couldn't tell him off - she'd told him to do whatever it took after all.
The next morning, Hogwarts letters arrived.
"Prefect!" Draco and Daphne cheered.
"Oh, me too!" Hermione said, smiling widely. Ginny squealed and gave her a hug. Hedwig hooted proudly.
"And me!" Susan said, already reading her supply list.
"Not me!" Harry said brightly.
"Me neither, high five!" Ron cheered.
"Oh." Neville said quietly, as a prefect badge fell into his lap.
"GO NEVILLE!" Harry and Ron screeched, patting him on the back and cheering.
"What's with all the racket, I c- Oh, well done dears! Tell you what, we'll have a party tonight! Draco, Severus wants a word. You too Daphne darling. Best go quickly, he's in a frightful mood."
"Neville, can I borrow your badge?" Harry whispered. 'Snape' and 'bad mood' only ever meant mischief to Harry. Neville nodded and handed it to him, still grinning bashfully.
They all traipsed downstairs. Harry with a prefect badge pinned to his chest.
"Draco, Miss Greengrass, if you could... no. Absolutely not."
"Something wrong, Severus?" McGonagall asked, having entered the house for the next order meeting, giving the Potions Master a faux concerned look.
"Why?" Severus said hoarsely. "Why would you give it to Potter?"
"Because he's a model student and will be an amazing prefect, of course." McGonagall lied smoothly, despite the mirth in her eyes. "Really Severus, have more faith in the lad."
"20 people points to McGonagall!" Luna exclaimed.
"But Harry revoked everyone's right to give and take points!" Ron argued.
"Correction: Everyone except for Luna and Voldy." Harry said.
"I hate you."
"Aww, that's so sweet!"
Harry watched with a grin as Snape clenched his fists, practically growling. "Minerva, you cannot be in your right mind! The boy is an irresponsible, arrogant little-"
"NO!" Everyone whirled around to face a horrified Sirius. "HARRY! YOU TRAITOR!"
"It's so shiny, isn't it?" Harry giggled, twirling proudly. Neville and Draco snorted.
"YOU CANNOT BE A- Minnie, why would you do this to me!" Sirius said, tears welling up in his eyes.
"APRIL FOOLS!" Harry screeched. "It's Neville's badge. Minnie you are the best teacher ever I love you and you absolutely have to come to my wedding!"
"Harry, it's august." Hermione said, looking exhausted.
"Your wedding?" Minerva asked, looking curious.
"Yeah, when I have one. Love you, but I have to dash now, or I'm going to get killed by two men that are still pretending to hate each other's guts. BYEEEEE!" Harry ran for his life, and set off Walburga for the 3 billionth time that summer.
"I'm so glad they are leaving in a week." Remus said.
"Wow, that's no nice of you!" Fred or George said sarcastically.
"Oh, most of you are fine. Potter is the problem."
"Wow, Moony. Imagine hating your own nephew." Harry said with an eyebrow waggle, reappearing to return Neville's badge.
"I don't hate you, Harry, I'm just old."
"You're in your thirties!"
"Yeah, old!"
"There is far too much dialogue happening right now."
"That's because there's like a trillion people living here and in and out all of the time, Neville, get with the times!"
"HEY! Don't talk to me like that, it's Remus who said he didn't want you!"
"He didn't mean it! He just-"
"ENOUGH!" Molly screeched. Everyone froze. "Dumbledore has called an emergency meeting. It's too dangerous for you to go shopping together without an adult present. Severus is taking Draco and Daphne as he's been briefed already. Arthur is picking up supplies for the rest of you with Sirius. Go back upstairs, and please don't set anything on fire."
"Harry, I said DON'T set anything on fire!" Molly yelled through the wind as everyone stood outside the house (but within the boundary) and flames came out of the seventh floor windows.
"I didn't do it on purpose!" Harry argued. "It just sort of... happened."
"Fiendfyre just happened naturally, did it?" Remus said. Harry had never seen him look so angry. He gulped.
"I didn't know it would be so hard to control, I just wanted to learn how to fight!" Harry shouted back. If he got angry too, he wouldn't get badly hurt when people turned on him. Susan would later tell him it was a form of trauma response, but he couldn't care less. He quite liked Susan. He didn't know how they got so close so quickly, but he wasn't complaining. She was fun to have around. "You all sit and talk strategies for hours and meanwhile us lot are left with nothing! No training, no information, nothing! How are we supposed to protect ourselves huh? Tell me that."
No one answered him.
"I'm going to stay with Sirius." Harry said bluntly, storming into the house now that Bill and Kingsley had managed to quell the flames. Technically only the wizard that cast it can end it, but Bill was a curse breaker, so he knew secret things.
"Harry-" Molly chased after him. Remus sighed and pinched his forehead.
Harry didn't go and live with Sirius. He did refuse to leave the attic though. He pulled his mattress in there, had Kreacher move a bathroom with a shower and toilet and a sink in there for him (If it was Remus' ensuite, the man never said anything) and went on strike. He only ate ham sandwiches without the crusts, and only if it was Luna or Susan who made them.
"I'm not mad at them or anything." Harry said. "I just... can't right now."
Obviously, it was Hermione and Ron that got through to him in the end. They might not know everything anymore, but they were still his closest friends. He had to protect them.
"Then let us protect you too." Hermione said, when he explained this to them. "From yourself, at least."
They hugged for ages after that.
And then, it was time to go.
"Fifth year!" Remus said cheerfully, hugging Harry tightly. "Go smash it, kiddo!"
"I will. And, I'm sorry. I know I'm kind of... difficult right now."
"Hey. You're Harry. You're amazing just as you are."
"I hope you still think that when you find the gnome I hid under your pillow!"
Remus paled.
"Sop." Draco said, kicking Harry in the leg when he was still grinning halfway into the train ride.
Molly picked up the foul little creature by the scruff of its neck, examining it carefully.
"Arthur!" She called, and her husband came into the kitchen.
"Yes dear?"
"The gnomes appear to have followed us." Arthur peered carefully through his glasses.
"Indeed." He commented. "However, I don't remember them being this shade of pink, do you?"
Chapter 25: Fifth Year Begins
"I KNEW IT!" Harry yelled loudly, pointing directly at Umbridge, who was perched at the teacher's table with a smirk. "I KNEW I HADN'T SEEN THE LAST OF YOU! In fact, I was dreaming about you again last night, you had stolen Crookshanks and renamed him cookie. Hermione wasn't pleased at all!"
"Be quiet, Mr Potter, and take a seat." Dumbledore said calmly.
"You actually said it calmly this time!" Harry exclaimed, then sat down at the Hufflepuff table with Cedric.
The first years were sorted without hassle, and the Sorting Hat gave out a warning, for the first time in Harry's Hogwarts years.
"Wow, even inanimate objects have more sense than the Ministry." Harry said quietly. Susan and Cedric sniggered.
"Now, before we begin our feast, there a few last minute notices to be given out. Firstly, Professor Dolores Umbridge is joining us as the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. I trust you will give her a warm welcome. Now, Mr Filch would like to give a polite reminder that-"
"Hem Hem!"
Dumbledore blinked, and turned around. Harry snorted. If Umbridge didn't give him such bad vibes, she'd be his new favourite.
Umbridge stood and made her way to where Dumbledore was standing and he sidestepped to give her room, dipping his head slightly.
"Now, before I speak on behalf of the ministry, I must ask Mr Potter to return to his house table."
"Okay." Harry said agreeably, moving to sit next to Daphne at the Slytherin table.
"Mr Potter, you are in Gryffindor house." Umbridge simpered, eyes cold.
"Am I? The last I heard, the Sorting Hat still wanted to put me in Slytherin. Ask it if you don't believe me." Harry shrugged, making no effort to move. McGonagall resisted the urge to put her head in her hands. Why was the boy doing his utmost to make powerful enemies?
Snape went pale. Potter, in his house? That would be a total nightmare.
"I don't need to ask that hat, you are wearing a Gryffindor tie." Harry paused, took of his tie, and gave it to Blaise, who merrily swapped it with his own and went to join the Gryffindors.
"There." Harry said, as if that fixed everything.
Dumbledore sighed heavily. "Minerva, the hat if you please." McGonagall shook her head.
"I've traipsed to and from your office transporting that blasted hat enough times today. You can get it." She said frostily.
Fawkes appeared with a bang, hat in beak, looking at Harry reproachfully.
"I know, I'm sorry, Fawkes."
"Harry, why-"
"He's still waiting." Harry said mysteriously. Well, mysteriously to all of those that hadn't had to put up with him complaining about Fawkes still not getting his burger at least six times a day.
"Hat, where did you want to sort Harry Potter?" Dumbledore asked wearily.
"Wow, straight to the point, so friendly!" The hat said sarcastically. "Slytherin, of course, he plays you all so successfully. Want me to re-sort him now?"
"Oooh, yes please!" Harry said excitedly, eyes gleaming. Draco and Snape shared a horrified look.
"No, that's quite alright. Harry is perfectly settled in Gryffindor." Dumbledore said loudly over Harry's agreement. Harry scowled.
"So you woke me up for nothing." The hat sassed.
"... yes, I suppose so."
Harry shook his head, tutting. "How very rude."
"Aren't they all, Potter?" The hat said tiredly. "Wizards."
"Wizards." Harry shook his head solemnly in agreement.
"Mr Potter, if you had just done as I asked, none of this would have happened. Return to Gryffindor this instant!" Umbridge snapped.
"Fine, if you're going to be all crabby about it. Why do wizards and witches just whine all the time? It's so irritating." Harry muttered as he plonked himself next to Ron and Hermione at the Gryffindor table. Blaise winked and strolled back to the Slytherin table, still wearing Harry's Gryffindor tie. Harry didn't mind, he quite liked the green and silver one.
"I'd switch houses just for the better colour scheme you know." Harry said loudly.
Umbridge wittered on for a while. Harry sat next to Hermione, who gave him a summary, as she always did, every thirty seconds or so.
"So, basically, the Ministry wants control over Hogwarts." Ron said, when the food appeared and they could talk a bit louder.
"N- Yes, actually!" Hermione tried to hide her surprise. "That's exactly what she's saying."
"You're getting smarter." Harry said in jest, and Ron punched him on the arm.
When McGonagall passed them their timetables the next morning, Harry whooped loudly.
"We still have DADA and Potions with Draco and Daph!" He waved his timetable at Ginny excitedly.
"Alright, show off. I get Luna in every class pretty much."
"Ouch!" Harry held a hand to his heart, looking offended.
Double divination first thing on a Monday was a treat rather than torture this year. Harry had decided he quite liked Trelawney, and since his and Ron's predictions often had a ring of truth to them, Trelawney loved them all the more.
"It appears, dear, you were correct indeed when you had that dream about the pink frog." Trelawney said, looking pleased. "And in fact, I saw her arguing with Minerva just this morning!"
"Which backs up the cat theory." Harry added. "A few weeks ago I dreamt that the pink frog was being chased by a giant horse."
"Interesting. Now, Ronald dear, we're starting with crystal ball revision this year, could you please tell us what you see?"
Ron gulped nervously and looked into the crystal ball. Lavender and Parvati watched intently.
"Erm, there appears to be some sort of winged horse?"
"Thestral, maybe? They're an omen of death." Harry said helpfully.
"Yeah, maybe! Oh, and I can see a giant troll."
"A troll?"
"I think so! Wait, no, it's just Sirius."
Harry cackled. "I am SO telling him you said that. What's he doing?"
"Running shirtless down some random corridor."
"Again? Honestly, that man is out of control."
Later that day, Ron confessed he did actually see what looked to be a giant troll as well as Sirius whilst he, Harry and Hermione went to visit Hagrid, who had vanished of the face of the earth. McGonagall, who told Harry pretty much whatever he wanted to know, admitted he was on a mission for Dumbledore, but she hadn't been told where. Her guess would be something to do with giants.
Straight after Divination was their first DADA session.
Umbridge laid down the law as soon as they entered the room.
"There will be no wands or magic inside of this room." She said. Hermione's hand shot up into the air.
"Yes, Miss?"
"Hermione Granger, Ma'am. Aren't we going to need to practice defending ourselves?" Umbridge simpered slightly, and Harry scowled.
"Not in this school, no. There is nothing to defend yourselves from so there is not need to practice. The theory will be enough."
Hermione bristled, Harry grinned. What happened next was quite possibly the greatest showdown of his life.
"So, theory will get us a pass in our practical despite never practicing the spells required?" Hermione raised a brow.
"Yes."
"But surely it's important we learn how to protect ourselves!" Hermione exclaimed.
"Dear girl, there is nothing to protect yourself from!" Umbridge said, smiling despite her narrowed eyes.
"Except maybe Voldemort." Hermione retorted, adding "Ma'am" as an afterthought. Harry resisted the urge to whoop loudly and high five her. It was quite possibly the trickiest thing he'd ever done.
"Detention." Umbridge said coldly. "He-who-must-not-be-named is dead, as you all very well know. Anything else you are told, is a lie."
"But Harry-"
"Hand up." Umbridge ordered coldly. Dean's hand shot up in the air. "Yes, Mr?"
"Dean Thomas. Last year, Harry told us all he was back. He was under the influence of Veritaserum, so it has to be true! The prophet is lying, you can't trust-"
"Mr Thomas, the Daily Prophet is a Ministry-approved newspaper. Do you really think it would lie?"
"Yes." Practically the whole room chorused.
"Well, I don't hear Mr Potter speaking up about You-know-who's return. Perhaps he's decided it's time to end the lie. Mr Potter, did you or did you not see Voldemort return in June?"
"Honestly Ma'am, I don't really remember." Harry said mildly, playing with his sleeve in such a way that revealed the massive gash on his arm that was still badly scarred. But he couldn't get penalized for it. "It was a while ago."
"Nonsense, Mr Potter, you either saw him or you didn't." Umbridge clenched her fists. Harry smirked.
"Oh, in that case, I didn't see you-know-who."
"So, you're finally telling the truth?" Umbridge's smile grew wide with satisfaction.
"I didn't see you-know-who, because you-know-who doesn't exist." Harry said slowly, looking Umbridge directly in the eye. "The person I saw was called Voldypants."
"Enough! Detention for a week!"
"Fine. You can't have me Fridays though, I'm going to have detention with Snape that day." Harry informed her, looking unbothered.
"But we haven't even had potions yet!" Seamus exclaimed.
"Yeah, but I always get detention in Potions, so I know to keep my Friday's clear."
"Fine, detention for two weeks bar Fridays then. Now, please open your theory books and read chapter one." Harry was surprised at how easily she let him have the Fridays free, but he wasn't complaining. Besides, Snape would definitely give him Friday detentions, it was a given.
His detentions started that same evening. Apparently, Umbridge was still at war with McGonagall, because Harry never get sent to find her. It was a shame, really. He might've gotten one of her famous shortbread biscuits.
"Come on in, Mr Potter." Harry entered the office, retching at the sight of all the pink. He did giggle at the cat plates that adorned the walls, however.
"Ironic." He said. Umbridge narrowed her eyes, but her smile grew wider.
"Sit down, Mr Potter you'll be writing lines for me today."
"Fun." Harry deadpanned, pulling out a muggle pen.
"No, you'll be using a quill. And a rather special one of mine." She said, sickly sweet.
"Oh, is it legal?" Harry said, just as sweetly. She didn't respond, instead handing him a black feather quill. Harry asked for ink.
"You won't need any ink."
"Fine, be all mysterious about it then, see if I care. What am I writing?"
"I must not tell lies."
"Okay."
Umbridge must not tell lies. Umbridge must not tell lies. Umbridge must- Harry studied the back of his hand. Interesting, the quill seemed to be using his blood as ink. Oh well, it didn't hurt as much as the cruciatus, he would live. He didn't really want another scar though. Well, a cool or funny one would be alright.
Luckily for him, Remus had taught him wandless and wordless glamours over the summer.
Umbridge grinned, satisfied by his blood-stained hand and the clear message written across it.
"I must not tell lies. Not as deep as I would like, but no matter, I'm sure it will sink in more tomorrow."
Harry nodded, and skipped out of the office.
"She did WHAT!" Hermione cried in outrage, studying the back of his hand carefully. "That has to be illegal."
"She works for the minister Hermione, we can't do anything about it." Ron said, eyeing Harry's hand darkly.
Hermione, Draco and Susan shared a knowing look.
"I forgot you're all ministry nerds." Daphne said, entering the room with her sister and instantly glaring at Harry's hand. "She got you too then."
"Yeah, why? Who do you know that she got?"
"Me." Astoria held out her hand, and Harry could clearly make out the phrase I must not answer back to my teachers.
"Eek."
Hermione frowned. "My detention is tomorrow."
Harry looked over at Luna, who was smiling serenely.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" He asked her. She nodded.
"Most likely."
Harry grinned. "Good. By the way Hermione, my hand is fine. It's just a glamour." He shook his hand, and the glamour fell. On his hand were two words, barely visible they were so finely cut.
Umbridge stinks.
Harry was determined to enjoy himself this year. In Potions he'd started refining his decorating skills now that he mastered the actual baking. Sprout's birthday cake this year was going to be a spectacular, five layer cake. He had it all planned out - Snape wasn't impressed when Harry showed him, and told him to make it in his own time. Harry ignored him, and started making practice cakes every potions lesson. It meant he had detention almost every night, but oh well. At least it meant he did the actual learning too!
"Potter!" Angelina pushed her way through the throng of students, glaring harshly at him. "Quidditch try-outs are on Friday."
"Yeah, and?"
"You got yourself landed in detention. With Snape. Again."
"Oh. Oopsie. Don't worry, I'll sort it. OI SNAPE!"
The hall went silent. Snape looked up. Umbridge was nowhere in sight. Good.
"I can't do detention tomorrow, I've got quidditch. Does next Tuesday work for you?"
"No! You will come tomorrow, as planned. It's your own fault for being an insolent little-"
Umbridge entered the hall, red with rage, dragging the twins behind her. They were grinning heartily and waving at Dumbledore.
"Hem hem, I think we need a staff meeting, headmaster." Umbridge said sweetly, and Harry resisted the urge to gag.
"How about tomorrow?" Harry suggested innocently.
"Alright then." Dumbledore said, amused. "Severus, if you could move your detention with Harry to Saturday, just this once, that would be wonderful."
Harry grinned widely.
"Fine." Snape bit out. Ron laughed. Angelina smiled, satisfied, and the day went on.
Quidditch try-outs were fairly successful. Ron, after spending a year practicing with Harry and Draco, made the team as keeper a year earlier than he was planning. He was smiling proudly for the next week. Ginny innocently told Harry she was waiting for him to be dethroned so she could replace him as seeker when he asked her why she didn't try out.
Harry didn't take her seriously, but he did wonder. Ginny did, after all, spend a lot of time with Luna.
Chapter 26: Parry Hotter
"Chapter Seven, please." Umbridge said as soon as they all sat down at their desks. No one made a sound, taking out their books in silence. Until Harry spoke of course.
"Yes Ma'am." He saluted, opening his brand new copy of The Chronicles of Narnia.
Umbridge frowned. Neville hid his face behind his book. When Harry acted up, he was usually the first to laugh. "Mr Potter?"
"Yes?"
"That is not the book you should be reading." Umbridge simpered, glaring at Harry through a fixed smile. Neville sneezed loudly.
Harry blinked at her. "But I read the other one!"
"I highly doubt that." Umbridge's gaze turned frosty. She was losing control - everyone knew it.
"He did, we watched him." Draco said lazily, cracking the spine of his Potion's textbook. "I've read mine too."
"And me." Hermione added. Neville sneezed again. Hmm, maybe that's why he sneezed so much? Because of stress and stifling laughter!
Harry grinned at Umbridge. "It was a very good by the way! My favourite part was when the dog died."
Ron covered his ears and screamed. "No spoilers!" He yelled in outrage. "I'm still on chapter ten!"
Umbridge seethed. "I demand that you-"
"No."
"This is highly-"
"No."
"Mr Potter!"
Harry carried on staring at Neville's ear. He really did have small ears, it was quite funny to be honest.
"Mr Potter!"
He really should ask Luna about nargles, the air felt really busy. Oh, since when did Lavender get her hair braided? The pink looked gorgeous-
"Potter!"
"Ow." Harry rubbed the back of his head and looked reproachfully at Umbridge. "Sorry, were you talking to me?"
"Yes, Mr Potter, you were being really quite ill-mannered." Harry shuddered and shook his head.
"Oh, my name isn't Harry Potter, so that's actually your fault."
"Yes it is."
"No it isn't."
"Yes it is!"
"No it isn't!"
"Yes it-"
"Are we really doing this again?" Harry said exasperatedly. "I know my own name. And it isn't Harry."
"Well, what is it then?" She asked, checking her watch. Time always seemed to slow when Potter entered the room.
"I'm not telling you because you hit me."
"Enough of this foolishness!" Shrieked Umbridge "Detention!"
"You can't give me detention!" Harry argued. "You don't even know my name! You wouldn't be able to document it!"
"Your name is Harry Potter, so yes, I can." Umbridge smirked.
"Go on then, ask Dumblebee. I bet he'll know my name. Oh look, here he is!"
"Dear boy, why have I been summoned to your classroom by Messrs Weasley?"
"Because she doesn't know my name! Sir, it's October already, and she still doesn't know her pupil's names! It's driving me crazy! She keeps calling me Harry Potter."
"But Harry, isn't-"
"NO! Wow, even my own Headmaster doesn't know me. What a let down." Harry slammed his book shut and Hermione winced. Harry mouthed an apology and patted the book carefully, as if it was a small dog.
"Harry-"
"Nope. Not talking to you until you get my name right." Harry folded his arms and pouted, the epitome of a petulant toddler.
"Miss Granger, Mr Malfoy, care to share?" Dumbledore asked, not bothering with Harry's other friends, who were practically on the floor they were laughing so hard.
"It's Parry Hotter, Sir." Draco said, looking like he wanted to go to sleep for ten years.
"Well then, Mr Ho-Oh, he's gone."
"Yes, he's gone to get the celebration ready!" Ron exclaimed. "It'll take a while to hang up the streamers."
"What celebration?" The Headmaster looked around, confused. Most of the other class members were shrugging or looked as dumbfounded as he did.
"Oh dear, Headmaster, you can't have forgotten again." Ron said mournfully. "Honestly, it's slightly embarrassing for you."
Dumbledore shook his head, and left. He was sure he'd find out somehow.
And find out he did.
"It's that time of year again folks!" Fred yelled during dinner, standing on the bench to make himself heard.
"The biggest celebration of the year!" George chimed in.
"The one and only-"
"Birthday of-"
"Professor Sprout!" The finished together, grinning at the Herbology Professor, who was smiling.
"Oh, not again." Snape murmured quietly.
Everyone began singing happy birthday after some forceful encouragement from the twins, and Harry wheeled in a huge five layer cake with a big black dog by his feet.
"The big black dog could join us this year." Harry said cheerily when everyone had finished singing. "Thanks to Professor Snape, of course, for organising everything again like the kind gentleman he is."
Snape resisted the urge to leave.
"He's honestly so awesome, like, have you ever met a sweeter man?"
Snape left.
"Oh, he's gone. Anyway, cake time! We've got Chocolate, Victoria Sponge, Coffee and Walnut, Lemon Drizzle and for some reason Ginger? I ran out of cake ideas." Harry scratched the back of his head. "Dobby did that one. I think it's a house elf favourite."
The next day, Harry's friends all met up under the whomping willow. Naturally, as dangerous things often did, the whomping willow had taken a liking to Harry after he apologised profusely for the car incident, and so let him and his friends sit underneath its branches whenever they felt like it.
Harry and Luna had written and sent out a letter to every single student anonymously. The letter warned students about Umbridge's detention methods, and requested all students sign up to a secret edition of the Quibbler, known as the Quabbler. The Quabbler, written exclusively by Harry, Luna, Ginny and Daphne, gave students the inside scoop of goings-on at Hogwarts, started the odd rumour here and there about a few staff members, and most importantly, gave students advice on staying safe in the castle. The next few editions gave students different remedies for the blood-quill, including healing spells and potions, and gave tips and tricks on mastering wandless and wordless glamours. They included instructions to make scar-removing cream for those who couldn't master wandless and wordless magic, and requested any students who did have to use the blood quill find Colin Creevey, who took pictures as evidence to use later.
Harry was pulled aside one transfiguration lesson by McGonagall, who knew exactly what they were doing, as she had promised to help Harry in his fourth year.
"It's working." She said simply. Harry smiled and nodded. He too had noticed far less crying students with cut hands in the past month since the Quabbler came out for the first time.
The staff had tried everything to get Umbridge fired. Fudge, fed up of what he continued to believe were "false accusations" instead promoted her to High Inquisitor. Amelia Bones was furious, but nothing she said or did was making any difference. She and Kingsley were collating and keeping record of evidence Harry would send to them routinely, but they had to watch their own backs- Fudge was firing anyone who spoke out against him left and right.
In the end, as a last ditch attempt to end the Blood Quill's reign once and for all, Draco took one for the team.
"I can't believe you got yourself put in detention on purpose." Neville said, swatting away a stray branch that was trying to steal his sandwich. Draco shrugged, and rubbed the back of his hand, where the words I will not argue with my professors were still faintly visible.
"Had to be done. My father was furious when Uncle Severus showed him my hand last weekend. He ended up escorting me to Fudge himself and made him confiscate the blood quills. She's not allowed to carry out detentions herself either, everyone she gives them to has to have them with their Head of House instead."
"Except me!" Harry added brightly. "I get mine with Snape."
"Lucius is the only man who Fudge will do absolutely anything for to keep him on side." Daphne added. "Except remove Umbridge from the school entirely."
"Did you hear? She's inspecting all the teachers now." Ginny said, joining them. "McGonagall is not happy at all."
"They can't fire Minnie, she's too good at what she does." Harry said. "There would be outrage from every direction. Dumbledore however? They're desperate to be rid of him."
"He's still widely loved though, it'll be difficult. They're more likely to try and arrest him or push him to go on the run." Ron said. Everyone gave him a funny look. "What? It's possible."
"I agree with Ron." Luna said. Everyone nodded along after that.
"So when Luna agrees, you'll all listen to me? Fine, I see how it is." Ron sulked for the rest of the day.
"Queen of the Night Time!"
"Child of Nightmares!" Professor Sinistra high fived Harry as he entered the astronomy tower, looking bright eyed and chipper despite it being midnight.
"That's not a very nice nickname." Neville said when no one else seemed to question why a teacher was calling a student names. To be fair though, Harry started it.
She shrugged. "Nicknames are meant to be true. I can hardly call him "star pupil" can I? He's a nightmare. It was actually Severus who came up with it, not me."
"See? Told you I'm Snape's favourite." Harry said smugly to Draco, who rolled his eyes.
"Sure. We'll go with that."
"Fair enough. Right folks, today, we're looking at dwarf planets..."
Once the lecture had been given and everyone was busy peering through telescopes and documenting dwarf planets, Sinistra made her way over to Harry and Luna.
"Miss Lovegood, you're supposed to be in bed!" Luna just smiled serenely, looking through Harry's telescope.
"The nargles told me you wanted to speak to me and Harry."
"Oh. Well, yes, I do actually. It's about the Quabbler."
"How do you know about the Quabbler? It's top secret!" Harry glared at her, pointing an accusatory finger.
"Miss Weasley thought I'd find it amusing. She's right, it's brilliant. Anyway, I came to tell you I have some hot gossip for you."
Harry's eyes shone. "Go on." He said, and Hermione rolled her eyes.
"So, I was headed to breakfast yesterday, when..."
Whilst Hermione could not condone gossip, she had to admit, the Quabbler struck gold during astronomy the previous evening.
"We finally managed to watch a memory of and print a showdown between the one and only Minnie and the frog!" Harry squealed, jumping up and down. "Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting to witness one for myself?"
"Two months and twenty three days." Draco deadpanned, pointing at the tally on the back of Harry's timetable.
"Don't ruin this for me." Harry warned. "Or I'll personally request Dobby give you extra jam."
"I'm used to jam on toast now, that doesn't scare me."
"Oh Draco, you think too small. I'm talking jam with every meal!" Draco paled considerably and fled. Harry chuckled.
"He's so easy to blackmail. Why did it take me four years to figure him out?" Harry asked Daphne, who didn't answer, rolling her eyes.
"Because you were blinded by hatred."
"Wow Ginny, say it like it is why don't you."
"Sorry." Ginny said, not looking at all sorry. "By the way, Christmas is on the horizon."
Hermione sighed loudly. "Ginny, it's still November."
"Yeah, we have the first quidditch game of the season before Christmas!" Ron pointed out.
"I don't care. Christmas is far more important. Harry, I have a challenge for you, and Snape is going to absolutely hate you for it!"
Harry grinned "What is it?"
"Two words. Gingerbread. Hogwarts." Harry gasped loudly, clapping his hands in delight.
"That is GENIUS! Got to go guys, I need to find Fred and George to help me write up some measurements. Come on Daphne, you're good at maths. Bye!"
After he'd sprinted off, Ginny and Daphne in tow, Ron and Hermione shared a look.
"Sometimes, I'm selfishly glad we have so many more friends purely just so we don't have to deal with every single one of his mad ideas." Ron said, shaking his head in amusement. "Can you imagine if it was just us three?"
"I'm glad I'm not the only one. I think I'd have many, many wrinkles if it wasn't for the others."
Draco huffed next to them "I'm surprised you two lasted as long as you did."
Chapter 27: Hippogriffs Rise!
Time flew by. Harry was shocked when the end of November rolled around, and the first match of the season fell upon them with no warning whatsoever.
Well there were actually several warnings, but Harry was always in detention, so his teammates didn't tell him on purpose as revenge. Even Fred and George kept it quiet.
Fred and George had also had a very busy month. After Harry had given them his winnings, they had been gathering supplies and beginning the development of the first Weasley joke product series - Skiving Snack-boxes. Using Umbridge's classes as test runs, Fred and George created sweets that had you sick in one moment, fine the next. They sold out almost instantly after their release, and were consistently making more.
Harry delighted in using them every DADA lesson. In fact he used them so often, that eventually he just stopped going altogether. Umbridge didn't seem to care, so Harry used her lessons to visit Sirius and Remus (McGonagall let him use her floo so he was undetected) and practice the actual Defence Against the Dark Arts curriculum, as Remus still knew it from his year as a teacher.
He'd also made a plan to make sure everyone could learn actual DADA, and had told Hermione so she could help him organise and come up with a way to keep it secret.
As Umbridge was High Inquisitor, she had been making changes to the school under Dumbledore's very nose. Decree after Decree were hung on the wall, bringing with them a sense of doom and despair.
Naturally, she had somehow caught wind of Harry's plan and banned teams, societies, clubs and the like, unless they had her express permission.
Quidditch, of course, had been banned as it counted under "teams". Slytherin got permission instantly, as did Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff. Umbridge delighted in refusing to give Gryffindor permission, until McGonagall and Dumbledore had stepped in. She was forced to relent, and so the Gryffindor versus Slytherin Quidditch match was full steam ahead.
Ron proved himself worthy, and saved at least 60% of all goals. Fred and George were as ruthless as ever, and the chasers were at their peak.
Harry? Well he was the same as usual. Delighted to be going up against Draco for the first time in a year and a half, this time as friendly rivals, he spent half the time trying to wind him up by diving, rolling, speeding, and looping in random directions, not even looking for snitch until at least half an hour had passed.
"COME ON POTTER!" Angelina had shrieked at him, wet through. Oh, yeah, it was raining. Actually, was it snowing? Harry stuck his tongue out. Yep, it was snow. No wonder Angelina wanted a quick end to the game.
Harry started to search, the snow getting heavier, until finally he spotted the snitch.
He sped towards it with vigour, Draco close behind. He urged his broom on, stretching out a hand, but-
"He's going to crash!" Hermione shouted, grabbing Ron's sleeve.
Right at the last second, Draco stopped. Harry kept going, barrelling into Umbridge and snatching the snitch from right by her ear.
Hooch blew her whistle, and everyone landed in the fresh layer of snow. Harry, somewhat sheepishly, offered Umbridge his hand as he climbed to his feet. She slapped it away.
Harry quickly clambered back onto his broom and joined his teammates. The twins were grinning gleefully, both at their win and Harry's stunt. Angelina looked concerned, as did Katie and Alicia. Ron was smiling proudly.
"We won!" He said cheerfully. "That was a great catch mate!"
"Thanks Ron. You make a great keeper." Harry replied, dusting the snow off his robes.
"Mr Potter." Harry turned to face a very furious Professor Umbridge. "That was incredibly foolish and irresponsible of you! I'm afraid I'm going to have to ban you from quidditch due to the intentional harm of a teacher."
"It's not my fault the snitch was right by your head!" Harry argued.
"You can't do that!" The Weasley twins cried, leaping to Harry's defence.
"Actually, I can!" She smiled, tapping her High Inquisitor badge, looking far too satisfied. "Broomstick please, Mr Potter."
Harry scowled and handed over his firebolt. The twins glared at the pink toad. Angelina, Katie and Alicia looked crushed.
"Ron, don't." Harry said quickly, when his best friend opened his mouth. "She's not worth your energy."
The Weasley twins were next to be banned only two days later, after filling her classroom with the same glitter Harry had used on Sirius last year, that multiplied every time she tried to vanish it.
Harry, with no broomstick, no quidditch, and only one detention a week (Skiving Umbridge's lessons really opened up his schedule) had to find other ways to kill time. He dedicated most of his time, to well, multiple things actually.
Neville taught him piano; he spent weekends sneaking into Hogsmeade with Ron, Ginny, and Daphne; and he spent evenings with Hermione, deciding who to invite to their new secret club that would be starting a few weeks before Christmas. They were still coming up with a name. He spent free periods annoying Draco, afternoons with Luna hunting for whatever creature took their fancy, and for some reason spent every Tuesday night visiting random teachers.
He'd spent one Tuesday with Sprout helping her make new clothes for the Venomous Tentactula he'd accidentally tamed last year, and another with Flitwick asking for stories about his mother whilst he hung up Christmas decorations in the charms classroom. Flitwick had suggested early November was too early, but Harry disagreed - it was never too early for Christmas!
One very memorable Tuesday he'd spent with McGonagall. Or at least, he thought it was McGonagall. He may have kidnapped a random tabby cat and fed it tuna whilst he rambled on about goblin rights.
Snape had simply slammed the door in his face. So Harry spent the evening singing Celestina Warbeck loudly and using the office door as a drum. Every time Snape tried to cast a muffliato or put up a ward, Harry simply had Dobby remove it again.
Trelawney had been more than willing to have a cup of tea whilst they discussed the origins of his scar. Actually, that had been in one of their lessons. But it was on a Tuesday, so it counted.
After a session on planetary alignment, Trelawney had asked him if he was born in midwinter.
"No, I was born in summer. My scar was born in winter though!" Harry said, flicking through a copy of Shakespeare's Macbeth.
"Harry, your scar was made in October. That's Autumn, not winter." Neville pointed out hesitantly, as if he already knew Harry was going to have an answer back.
"If you say so." Harry said with a shrug. Oh? "Voldypants was born in midwinter, so I'm still technically right." Aha, there it was.
Ginny replaced Harry as seeker, and the beaters were more irrelevant side-characters Harry couldn't remember the names of.
"So," Hermione paced up and down the Hog's head, where many, many students were gathered in a large huddle. "We've got a meeting place, we have a method of communication." She pulled out a bag of galleons, and passed them to Draco to give out. "Harry will be giving most of the input, along with Cedric, who has done his OWLs already."
"What about studying at NEWT Level?" A Seventh year Slytherin asked. Because Harry was insane and had bonded with random students all over the school, the group of students wanting in on the secret DADA club was huge. Deciding it would be too big for every year group, Harry and Hermione decided to restrict the entrants to fourth year and above only. They advertised the meeting in the Quabbler and Harry, taking inspiration from his first year, made it so only those who wanted to learn DADA outside from Umbridge for good reasons would be able to see the advertisement. Anyone with ill intention or no interest would remain clueless.
"I mean, a lot of NEWT stuff is revision, with a focus on nonverbal casting and speed, and a bit of wandless casting too. So practice makes perfect I guess. Remus gave me his copy of the NEWT curriculum from when he was teaching for you guys to use." Harry tossed Cedric a rather large book and he caught it deftly with one hand.
"Show off." Harry muttered. Cedric grinned.
"So, how are you going to keep it secret?"
"Easy." Hermione whipped out a piece of parchment. "This is a contract. You sign, and if you break the secrecy, everyone will know exactly who you are. All of our galleons will also go icy cold, so that we know to dispose of evidence and take any necessary action."
"And if we don't want to sign?" A blonde, irritating looking fourth year called Zacharias Smith said obstinately. Harry didn't really know why he was there if he was just going to whinge incessantly.
"You leave." Harry pointed at the door. "It's that easy. You go, before we give you the information that would get us caught if you were to tell."
No one moved. Hermione handed Harry the parchment and quill and he signed it quickly, passing it to Neville, who followed suit.
"HA?" Cho asked incredulously, staring at the document. "There's no way you're calling this Harry's army."
"He most likely is." Blaise smiled lazily, scribbling his signature with a flourish. "That's exactly the sort of thing Potter would do."
"It's not Harry's army, sillies!" Harry exclaimed. "It's the Hippogriff Alliance, duh!"
"Yeah, duh, that was, like, really obvious!"
"One day, Astoria, you'll be so sarcastic your tongue will fall out." Harry warned her, looking very serious. "It will be the best day of my life."
"No, you'll miss it when I can no longer give you awesome ideas."
"You can write them down!"
"What if I don't want to to?"
"Well then you wouldn't be telling me anyway!" Harry smiled, satisfied that he had won that one. "Now, can you all please hurry up and sign or leave? I want to show you the secret meeting place."
Harry had been keeping a secret. Well, Harry had lots of secrets, but not intentionally. It was more just that no one ever asked him, so he never told. It really was that simple. After several Hogsmeade trips last year with Luna to meet with Rita Skeeter in the Hog's head, a pub that many avoided due to the crabby owner, Harry had, in typical Harry style, befriended the man.
For some reason, disliked people often loved Harry.
"Don't ever let him meet Bella." Sirius had warned Draco one evening during the summer, looking the most solemn Draco had ever seen him. "It would be a very tragic day for us all."
"They'd either take over the world together or destroy it in a fight." Draco had responded, watching Harry try to turn himself into a flamingo using a pink highlighter and a death eater mask. How he got hold of a death eater mask no one knew. If anyone had bothered to ask him, though, he would have told them. Maybe.
Anyway, once Harry had befriended Aberforth by complaining very loudly about Dumbledore (Luna had been correct once again), he admitted he knew a secret passageway into the castle. He introduced them to his sister, Ariana, and Harry saw the room of requirement for the first time in his life.
"It's a room full of bubbles!" Harry clapped and jumped up and down in delight. Luna hummed happily and the room changed.
"It turns into whatever you want or need it to be most." She explained to Harry, who looked dumbfounded.
"It's perfect!" He gushed, looking at the practice dummies with a keen gaze.
Once Hermione had received the document with several signatures, she cast another spell and the contract was sealed. Everyone present fell silent, and Harry leapt to his feet.
"Come on, let's go!" He dragged Hermione to the portrait of Ariana and she smiled, swinging open to let them all pass.
"Who was that?" Hermione asked, struggling to keep up with Harry and panting slightly.
"Bumblebee's dead sister! Isn't she sweet?"
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