Chapter 50: The Battle Of Hogwarts Part One
Hermione and Ron followed Susan back to the Great Hall. Harry ducked under his cloak and grabbed Parkinson by the arm, dragging her behind a tapestry that covered the door to an empty classroom.
"I know you don't want this," Harry whispered hurriedly into her ear, "so you need to trust me, okay?"
It took a few seconds, but Parkinson eventually nodded slowly. Harry released a breath he didn't know he had been holding.
"Okay, great. Here's what you need to do..."
"Where is she?" Bellatrix shrieked from the corridor. Harry hurriedly dropped a single hair into a vial of polyjuice and handed it to Susan, who had entered the hidden room via house-elf. She held it up and muttered "cheers" before downing it in one gulp.
Parkinson nodded to them with tear-filled eyes and then exited the way Susan had come. Harry donned his cloak and followed Susan, now disguised as Parkinson, out from behind the tapestry.
"There you are! Lead the way, girl, and be quick about it." Bellatrix ordered as soon as she saw what she thought was Parkinson.
"I go alone." Susan said tersely. "You can see him after its done."
Bellatrix glared at her and refused to let her go alone, which was probably a wise move. Harry followed them through the corridors, up the staircase, and into Dumbledore's office. Just before they could both open the door, Harry, still invisible, grabbed Bellatrix by the hair and yanked her backwards.
"Ouch!" She shrieked. Susan quickly slipped inside the office and the door clicked shut behind her.
Bellatrix recovered quickly and burst into the room only to find Dumbledore sprawled on the floor, still tied up, the bump on his head an impressive shade of dark purple. He looked very dead.
Harry willed for the pulse-hiding spell Hermione found in Snape's potions book to work as Bellatrix knelt down to press a bony finger to Dumbledore's throat.
"Dead!" She declared, smiling at Susan. "Good work, girl! WE KILLED ALBUS DUMBLEDORE, WE KILLED ALBUS DUMBLEDORE!"
She grabbed Susan by the shoulders and hauled her out of the room. Harry cast the counter curse at Dumbledore and followed them, still invisible.
"ALBUS DUMBLEDORE IS DEAD!" Bellatrix screeched to the Great Hall after throwing the doors open with a loud BANG! Harry had to admit, whilst the crazy witch was evil and detestable, she certainly knew how to make an entrance. Harry was almost jealous. "Surrender now and go with your lives!" Minerva crumpled to the floor, ashen faced. Severus' grip on Draco's shoulder tightened. They might not like the headmaster, but him being dead was still a big loss.
Flitwick gasped and Sprout burst into tears. The students were silent, pale and shaking. The Order raised their wands and pointed them at Bellatrix, faces white and expressions furious.
Bellatrix danced through several curses aimed at her, singing "We killed Albus Dumbledore!" Over and over.
Harry stashed his cloak in his pocket and entered the hall. He slipped Susan the polyjuice antidote on his way past.
"Oh, hello Bella!" He greeted her cheerfully. "Here to finish that game of tag?"
"YOU!" She screeched. "Harry Potter! Come to face your death now that there is no precious Headmaster to protect you?"
"Can I just point out." Harry said evenly. "That currently, it's at least a hundred of us to one of you. I think my chances of winning are pretty good, don't you agree?
Bellatrix cackled. "Oh no, Potter. The wards have fallen, you see. My Lord is coming, along with his army. You are vastly outnumbered. Now, my Lord made me promise not to kill you." She pouted. "But he didn't say I couldn't torture you a little first!"
Harry opened his arms wide. "Go right ahead. Life has been so boring recently, I need a little something to spice it up! You'll have to do, I suppose."
"Harry!" Sirius yelled angrily. Harry ignored him, giggling instead at the offended expression on Bellatrix's face.
"I'll have to do?" She hissed. "You mean to say I'm nothing but a rebound villain to you?"
Harry nodded apologetically. "Sorry. Unfortunately my scar says that Moldy has to be my one true villain. Although, if it makes you feel better, you're much better at being evil than he is!"
"It does, thank you." Bellatrix nodded gratefully.
"Shut your mouth Sirius, you'll catch flies." Harry reprimanded without looking at him.
Sirius snapped his mouth shut and glared ferociously at Harry. However, before Sirius could retort, there was a loud CRASH and the doors to the Great Hall burst open again (Harry had closed them on his way in). Hundreds of masked wizards poured into the room, no sign of their master among them.
"CHARGE!" Daphne yelled and with a roar, the students began putting their lessons to good use.
Curses and jinxes flew around the room at a dizzying pace. The students went immediately on the defence and let the Order and the Staff handled the offence. Death Eaters were wiped out one by one, but there were hundreds more of them than there were the other side.
Draco and Neville were having a wonderful time. Giggling uncontrollably, they had a competition to see who could dodge the most spells without a shield. Felix shoved and pulled them left and right and they laughed harder and harder. Susan rolled her eyes at their antics but eventually joined in, occasionally shoving people out of the firing line of more cruses.
After only ten minutes (and oddly enough, exactly when Dobby appeared with a massive sack) a train whistle echoed around the room. The Death Eaters watched, flabbergasted, as every single person except themselves disappeared.
"Well, now what?" One demanded.
"The Dark Lord is coming." Another responded. "Until then, we split up and search."
"Stratagem Six!" Daphne called across the Room of Requirement. "Hippogriffs, you know what that means. Find your kits and get back out there. Owls and Phoenixes, the spare weapons are here. Please only choose ones you know how to work."
Sirius grinned widely. "You have an illegal muggle weaponry!" He exclaimed, clapping with delight. "I thought you just learnt defensive magic in your little club!"
"That got boring last year." Harry said, no weapon in his hands. He did have a large knife in a holster around his waist. A horde of fly swatters with tiny little legs marched behind him. "Once we mastered non-verbal casting and some of us got pretty good at wandless magic, we moved onto muggle war strategies. Besides, Hermione and Draco worked wonders on all of these!"
"What did they do?" Remus asked, looking hesitant. Harry grinned savagely.
"You'll see." He said ominously, watching as Neville and Colin pulled Sprout out of the room.
"Who are the Owls?" Tonks asked curiously.
"Anyone who isn't an HA member or part of the Order of course, along with the house-elves. I thought that was obvious?" Daphne turned to Harry and Susan, who shrugged.
"Pretty clear to me." They said in unison.
Tonks shook her head. "You're all so weird, you know that right?"
Daphne ignored her. "Hippogriffs, find your partner!"
"And drink some Felix before you go, Dobby just stole a batch from a banshee in Indonesia." Susan began handing the bottles of golden potions around the room, Dobby next to her with his sack.
"Why does a banshee have liquid luck?" Padma asked, swallowing her potion in one gulp.
Susan shrugged. "Who cares?"
The fact that none of the HA hesitated to drink the Felix showed their trust in Harry, his friends and their crazy house-elves. After none of the students died or got sick from the potions, the Order and the Hogwarts staff followed suit.
Daphne whistled loudly. Everyone turned to look at her. "Now, Draco will tell you your designated area to fight. Stick to it and try your best not to die!" Daphne ordered. "Quick march!"
"Insane." Snape muttered, downing his portion of the luck potion.
The Order watched as the HA filtered out of the room, Ginny going unseen by her mother amongst the others, Luna and Astoria flanking her closely.
Harry sought out Bellatrix immediately, poking her in the back like he had two years ago. Stratagem Six relied on him keeping the most unpredictable Death Eater out of the fighting, as none of Voldy's other emo-pals were quite as insane as she was. Hence they were easier to plan for. The only one who could occupy the insane was the insane, so Harry keeping her distracted made the most sense. At least until Moldy arrived anyway.
"You're it!" Harry shouted. Off he ran, Bellatrix hot on his heels.
It was pure chaos. In the Great Hall, the Order duelled vigilantly, Felix keeping them from death. None of them quite dared to use the muggle weapons except the twins, who were somewhere else in the castle wreaking plenty of havoc. Harry ignored them all as he ran past, briefly waving at Sirius, who was duelling Yaxley with Remus.
Neville, Colin and Sprout were in one of the towers, throwing cacti down at the Death Eaters. Several loud squeals could be heard by those who got hit; they clawed at their faces that were now riddled with needles. Moody seemed to find this especially funny, having abandoned his post in the hall to watch the chaos reign down elsewhere.
"CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" He yelled at random intervals, pulling quills from Death Eaters' faces and jamming back in again roughly. As they howled in pain, he handcuffed them with muggle handcuffs. Harry watched him in slight shock. Who knew Moody fought like a muggle?
The twins weaved in and out of different battles, making sure the Death Eaters were appropriately humiliated. Bad haircuts, crazy hair colours, strange ears and antlers. They also vanished a few noses, just for extra laughs. Their boomerangs attached to ropes were remarkably effective at tying up the Death Eaters in huge bundles. Harry shouted out more suggestions as he sprinted past them.
Hermione used her nunchucks to knock out both Carrows in seconds, then she whipped up a storm at the giants' feet. Ron cackled next to her, using his club to whack the oncoming trolls with a vengeance.
"Still got it!" He exclaimed, grinning as they fell down like dominoes. Hagrid cheered him on as he chased a herd of stampeding thestrals towards Voldemort's outer ranks.
"Split 'em up, boys!" He roared.
"Go Percy!" Harry cheered on his way past. "Nice shot, William!" He winked at Ron, who glared back. Hermione laughed and waved, her smile quickly turning to a frown when she saw just who Harry was running away from. Harry might have kept that part of Stratagem Six between him and Susan.
"Really, Harry? Now?" Hermione yelled exasperatedly after him.
Daphne and Susan darted around all the HA members, twin daggers flying through the air and returning back to them once they'd hit their mark. They both high-fived him as he barrelled past them, Daphne sticking her foot out to try and trip up Bellatrix as she gave chase.
Bellatrix avoided Daphne's foot but Susan's well-timed kick sent her sprawling. Harry laughed loudly but kept moving.
The house-elves split into three factions: Dobby, Kreacher and Pipsqueak (Winky was still in recovery) leading each. They all brandished a mixture of water pistols, frying pans and tin lids. Harry's squadron of fly swatters abandoned him in favour of following the House Elves instead. Traitors.
"Charge!" Harry heard Kreacher cry. He kept on running.
Seamus was using his water-to-rum spell mercilessly, setting enemies on fire whilst Dean put them out over and over again, snickering all the while. Harry saluted them both on his way past and they cheered him on, narrowly avoiding the green curse sent their way by Bellatrix.
Katie, Angelina, Alicia and Oliver flew around the castle and grounds on broomsticks, hitting golf balls with cricket bats at unsuspecting Death Eaters. They worked as seamlessly together as they always did, despite Harry and twins' absence.
Hedwig, Fawkes and Buckbeak swooped in and out of the battle, dive-bombing the Death-Eaters and pecking them as much as physically possible. Harry swore Hedwig was carrying a rifle in her talons.
Lavender and Parvati launched hundreds of crystal balls at their targets, Trelawney egging them on as she swung at a few Death Eaters with her bottle of firewhiskey.
"Your death will not be in vain, Harry Potter!" She shouted. Harry saluted her as well, smiling sadly. Parvati and Lavender's faces fell when they realised Harry hadn't denied it.
Padma, Blaise, Lisa and Theo summoned the full number of gobstones and marbles there were in the castle (12 thousand 6 hundred and thirty four, to be precise) and used slingshots to fire them at the opposing side's foreheads. The best part was once they landed on the ground, they made a fair few people trip up. Felix kept Harry's lot from slipping, though. Good old Felix.
They waved at Harry, who waved back without slowing down.
"I will whip, you, down!" Hannah Abbot shouted and she cracked her whip at anyone in her path. Harry backed away from the fire in her eyes and hoped he never got on the wrong side of her. Ernie and Justin watched her with mirth as they cast animation spells on chess sets to make the pieces swarm their targets. It was pretty clever of them, Harry had to admit.
Minerva and Harry, who were very good friends with the suits or armour, had already won their allegiance. Harry left Minerva to cast the spell that would bring them to life as protectors of the castle. He overheard her demanding Seamus to "stop setting Voldemort's idiotic followers on fire, Mr Finnegan and blow up the bridge instead!"
"Really?" Seamus asked hopefully. "Boom? Just like that?"
"BOOM!" Minerva yelled, flanked by Reginald and Brenda.
Reginald and Brenda deserved a mighty good polish after this. Speaking of polish...
Filch prowled through the corridors, spilling slippery polish wherever he went. Harry smirked.
"Hey Harry, over here!" Harry tossed three vials of Felix to Cedric, Fleur and Viktor, but still kept running.
Draco fought alongside his mother and Snape, who made his true allegiance known.
"I am loyal to no one but me!" Snape said gleefully, forgoing his wand and punching Greyback square in the face.
"Good shot!" Remus complimented, hitting the werewolf with Ginny's favourite - a bat bogey hex.
"200 points to Snape!" Harry called out as he ran past, flashing his 'Malfoy's Minion' badge at Draco with a wink. Draco glared at him and Harry giggled as Bellatrix tried in vain to catch him.
"Run run as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man!" He sang, just as Luna, Astoria, and Ginny flew into the Great hall on broomsticks. They pelted everyone with the remains of Harry's gingerbread Hogwarts, now stale and rock-hard. Arthur Weasley used the distraction to summon Harry's secret stash of rubber ducks and set them on fire, using his wand to toss them at his targets.
Harry liked the idea, it was pretty ingenious and right up his alley of completely mental, but he was a bit sad that his ducks had to suffer for it.
"Itty bitty Potter!" Bellatrix hissed, grabbing Harry by the throat. He jumped, so distracted by pouting about his burning ducks he hadn't heard her catch up to him.
"Hello!" Harry greeted her cheerfully, pushing her off. "You finally caught me! Does that mean I'm it now?"
"I suppose." Bellatrix tilted her head. "Want to ditch this lot and play in the forest? People keep getting in our way."
Harry shrugged. "Sure, why not? We have some kill before Voldy arrives, I'm sure. Shall I give you a head start?"
"Please."
"Okay, you have ten seconds. But if anyone asks then I'm trying to kill you, okay?"
"Okay."
"NO! Lestrange is mine!" Harry roared angrily when Molly raised her wand. Bellatrix grinned and fled. Harry counted to ten and sprinted after her. He would have felt bad for leaving the others to fend for themselves, but he would know when Moldy arrived and he was currently keeping the most dangerous Death Eater occupied.
"Harry Potter? Are you fleeing the war?" Firenze asked curiously ten minutes later. Harry shook his head.
"No, just playing tag whilst we wait for the finale." He said, turning his head as to keep looking at the centaur he ran past and crashing headlong into a tree. Bellatrix bent over, screeching with laughter.
"Hey! That's mean." Harry pouted, getting up and putting his glasses back on. "I don't want to play with you anymore!"
"Fine, be like that then." Bellatrix said snottily. She stalked off in a huff.
"I'm... I think I need to relearn to read the planets." Firenze said, looking ill. Harry shrugged.
"Oooh, Surveyor of Planets! Great nickname for next year! Thanks Firenze, I hope you all liked your bows and arrows we got you!"
"Very much, thank you!" Firenze shouted after him.
Harry re-joined the battlefield. Everyone had moved outside and were fighting hard, but Harry could see that the Felix was starting to run out. Thankfully, just as he'd pushed Padma out of direct spell-fire, Voldemort arrived in a swirl of black and green. Oddly enough, Harry's scar didn't really hurt. Probably because he'd gained the upper-hand in the mental connection.
He glared at Harry across the courtyard. Harry grinned back. Voldemort raised a hand and all his followers backed down, falling back to watch the carnage with bloodthirsty grins.
"Hey, Barbie! You're out of jail!" Harry said joyfully, finding Lucius in the crowd. "Does that mean you can tell us where to find the peacocks? Gellert is really missing them, you know." Draco hit himself in the forehead with a loud groan.
"Enough." Voldemort said hoarsely. "Silence!"
Harry heard the Order and the rest draw to a sudden stop behind him and Voldemort once again erected his favourite ward - Voldemort and Harry would be seen and heard by all, but inside the ward, it was just Harry Potter and Voldemort. They wouldn't hear anyone else.
Voldemort's snake rested at his heels. Harry smirked at it.
"Hello, Tommy." Harry wrinkled his nose. "Ew, actually, I'll stick with Moldy, since that's what you smell like. Not that you'd know, noseless."
"You insolent little-" Voldemort raised his wand. "Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, destined to die. How does it feel, to admit defeat now that the Headmaster can no longer protect you?"
"Well, he was a bit pants at the ministry last year, he wasn't there in my fourth year for your weird rebirth thing, or in the chamber, or with the stone, so I'd say I have a pretty good track record of beating you myself, actually." Harry counted each point he made on his fingers as he spoke. "And honestly, with these wards? It was bound to happen soon enough."
"Yes, the school is rather poorly protected. Now, Harry Potter, any final words?" Voldemort twirled his wand between his fingers.
"Er, yes actually. UMBRIDGE STINKS! Okay, you can kill me now." Harry opened his arms wide with a smile. He briefly looked at Remus and Sirius, who were both glaring at him heatedly and looked like they were going to cry. Whoops. Oh well, they couldn't kill a dead man.
Harry knew he would have to die. He had known for a long time and had hidden it well. Inside, he was a mess of anxiety and sadness, but he knew the wizarding world relied on his sacrifice. So he had no choice.
Harry opened his eyes. Voldemort was staring at him, momentarily stunned.
"Hurry up then!" Harry urged him, wriggling his fingers invitingly.
"What? No, you have to fight for your life! That's how this works!" Voldemort raged.
Harry blinked. "It is? How strange. Okay fine, if that's what you want I guess. But we do it my way."
"Oh?"
"Verbal dance battle." Harry stated as he and Voldemort began to circle each other. He was quite glad he now had his back to his friends and couldn't see theirs' and the Orders' faces. He knew he would be done for if he wasn't already going to die today. "I'll start. How about, before you kill me, I tell you a little secret?"
"How pathetic. Your secrets are meaningless to me!" Voldemort raised his wand.
Harry lifted a brow "Even ones about prophecies?"
Voldemort paused. "You willingly offer such valuable information? Are you insane, Potter?"
"Yes, very." Harry confirmed. "Also if you can hear me Colin, take pictures and some notes for dear old Rita would you?" Colin gave him a thumbs up. "Thanks mate. If I wasn't about to die I'd owe you one, so I'll let Daphne owe you one instead!"
Voldemort blinked. "Go on, then. Tell me about the prophecy." He ordered.
Harry crossed his arms. "Say please."
"What? No!" Voldemort snarled.
"Say it!" Harry demanded, raising his eyebrows and tapping his left foot on the ground in obvious impatience.
"Never!"
Harry sighed. "I'll count to three. One, two.."
"Fine. Please." Voldemort hissed, looking like he was going to murder Harry any second. Which, to be fair, he was.
Harry smiled. "Good job! Now, the secret. You know the prophecy but you don't know the full thing. Unless you do. Wait, do you?"
"... No."
"Well, the secret is..." Harry leaned closer. Voldemort subconsciously did the same. Harry smiled and used the telepathic connection he had with Voldemort for the last time. He watched as Voldemort's face twisted with rage as the projected image of the prophecy being hurled into the Veil of Death reached his mind.
"AVADA KEDAVRA!"
Harry closed his eyes and embraced the green light with a small smile.
Chapter 51: Colin Had Better Be Filming This
"Hello son!"
Harry got to his feet and grimaced at the horcrux piece at his feet. "Hi, Dad."
James looked a bit hurt. "I was expecting a more enthusiastic reunion, I'm not going to lie to you. I was thinking more 'oh my gosh it's my dad who I've not seen since he was a weird spectre at Voldemort's resurrection! I need to give him a big hug and cry right now!' You can see why I'm offended, right?"
Harry tilted his head. "Not really, no."
James pouted. "Lily! Your son is bullying me!"
Harry perked up. "Mum's here?"
Lily stepped forwards. "Of course I am!"
"MUM!" Harry barrelled into his mum's arms to hide his smirk from his dad. Messing with people was so fun, even in the afterlife!
James tutted loudly. "He is so much like you." He said to Lily, who smiled proudly and pulled back to study Harry's face. "I still remember that one time me and Sirius went out on an Order mission and you were happier to see him than me!"
Lily grinned. "Oh sweetie, did I upset you?"
James pouted. "Yes! You did!"
"Good."
James made a frustrated sound in his throat and Harry decided it was high time to mess with his mum too.
"Was that because he had forgotten your anniversary?" He asked innocently. Lily's eyes widened.
"How do you know that?" She asked as James had his lightbulb moment.
"That makes so much more sense!" He exclaimed. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Lily smirked. "You didn't ask." Harry laughed loudly and James gaped like a fish.
"You two are as bad as each other." He grumbled. "Psychopaths, both of you."
Someone from next to James snorted. Harry wriggled away from his mum to stare at the newcomer.
Regulus Black studied him with such a Draco Malfoy look that Harry had to stifle giggle. Eventually, Regulus nodded regally and Harry grinned back.
The reality of Harry's current situation set in. As much as he was loving being with his parents, he missed his friends and other family still at Hogwarts. His friends knew what needed to be done, and they all had the strength to do it. He just hoped that they won and none of them died, even if he sort of selfishly wanted to see them again sooner rather than later. He could probably keep an eye on them like his parents had for him.
Harry didn't like death. It's why all of their battle strategies aimed to keep as many people alive as possible. Obviously Voldemort couldn't be saved, as he had already mutilated his soul beyond recognition. It was kinder to kill him. Some of the more dangerous Death Eaters, like Bellatrix, would likely have to be taken out completely as well, but most of Voldy's emo pals were dumb fools who would be easy to keep in Azkaban and out of the way.
"So, I'm dead." Harry announced flatly. He parents smiled at him and Regulus rose a brow.
"Clearly." He drawled. Lily elbowed him in the ribs. "Ow! You're as bad as Dorcas, I swear."
"I can see why you and Snape were friends." Harry told him. Regulus smirked.
"Who is as bad as me?" A girl Harry assumed was Dorcas walked towards them, followed by three other people. Two of them looked very familiar, but they were still-
"Oh." Harry whispered, staring at Alice and Frank Longbottom. "No offence, I'm kind of really happy for you. Being stuck in a crucio-riddled body would suck."
Alice laughed. "We go back to our earthly bodies when my son comes to visit, just so see him. Most of the time we're up here."
"We are more dead than alive now." Frank said with a sad smile. "It won't be long before we can no longer return to our earthly bodies."
"Jamie, you're an idiot." The blonde Harry didn't recognise grabbed Harry's face and started tilting it this way and that, rudely interrupting Harry's conversation. Lily rolled her eyes, clearly used to whoever this blonde was. She reminded Harry of Daphne. "He's basically Lily with Potter hair. All that 'my son is a carbon copy of me was utter b-"
"Don't you dare finish that sentence, Marlene." Lily warned. Marlene huffed. Oh yeah, definitely like Daphne.
James dramatically clutched his chest. "Ouch, Marls. That hurt."
Harry looked between them. "OH! Marlene McKinnon!"
Marlene nodded, looking slightly offended. "If I hadn't been brutally murdered by Moldypantsface, I would've been your Auntie Marlene. And I'm way better than Remus and Sirius because we're actually blood-related!"
Harry blinked. "We are? Also, I'm totally stealing that nickname for Moldy, it's perfect!"
James nodded. "Marlene is my cousin, my mum's sister's daughter. If they weren't all dead, you'd have lived with them."
"Oh. Um, is this the afterlife then? Because it's very... empty."
"No, this is just a passing place." James explained. "The first to ever be created, since you're the only person who has ever died but not really died before!"
"Usually it's cut and dry." Marlene added. "You have Lily's cheekbones. Lucky, because James' make him look like a-" James covered her mouth and then yelled out in disgust when she licked the palm of his hand. Harry remembered something similar happening with Daphne on multiple occasions and smiled sadly. He missed sister. And Ron and Hermione and Susan and Draco and Neville and Ginny and Luna and Astoria. And everyone else.
Harry then realised exactly what his dad had just said. "Wait, dead but not really dead? You mean I could still go back?"
Lily brushed Harry's hair out of his face. "The part of Moldy's soul that was in your scar is dead. You, my wonder-child, are still very much alive."
"So why am I here?" Harry asked, staring around at the odd assortment of his dead relatives and their friends.
"So we could see you, of course!" James exclaimed. "We couldn't let you go back without you knowing how proud we are of you!"
"And we need you to wind up Sirius, Remus and Snape for us!" Marlene added enthusiastically.
Regulus smirked. "Sirius is easy. The silent treatment works wonders when you're angry with him. Tell him I say hello, won't you?"
"Of course." Harry nodded.
"Hide a clock in Sev's office, the mysterious ticking noise will drive him crazy." Lily suggested. "If Remus or Sirius are annoying you, upsetting you or otherwise misbehaving, switch all of Remus' chocolate for the kind with nuts in and put itching powder in the pockets of Sirius' leather jackets. Works like a charm every time."
James grinned. "This is why I married you. Ignore whoever says it was us marauders who caused the most chaos at Hogwarts, pup, your mum was always the mental one."
Harry felt hope bubble in his chest. "I can go back?" He asked. "You mean it?"
"HARRY!" Several people screamed. Many fell to the ground, sobbing hard. Severus wrapped an arm around Minerva, who sobbed into his chest. Sirius let out a strangled cry and stumbled, Remus was the only thing keeping him upright. Remus himself was crying silently, looking everywhere but Harry's body on the ground. Molly clung to Arthur and let out a single, anguished wail - Harry was practically her son, and he was gone. Charlie put a hand on each of the twins' shoulders - for the first time in the twins' lives, there was no sparkle in their eyes. They stared in horror at Harry, blinking back tears. Bill held Ginny tightly, who buried her head into his chest as she cried.
Dudley was frozen in shock. The HA's faces were pale and many of them were crying silently. Harry's quidditch teammates squeezed each other's hands tightly to keep from crying. Luna watched everyone with a sad, knowing sort of smile. For some reason she stood in between Trelawney and Sinistra, who wore similar expressions of knowing sadness.
Narcissa gripped Draco's hand. Draco stood still, ashen-faced and eyes filled with tears. Ron and Hermione collapsed into each other, too shocked to cry or scream or react any stronger than to stare at their best friend's body in agonised horror. Daphne fell silently to her knees and glared at Voldemort with unbridled fury.
Susan stepped forwards as soon as the barrier broke. So did Neville.
"I will end you!" Susan yelled, wand pointed at Voldemort's heart. One of his Death Eaters quickly cast the cruciatus curse at her before she could get any closer to Voldemort, who was still laughing in celebration at Harry's defeat. Bellatrix looked oddly solemn.
Susan screamed in pain just as Amelia Bones arrived, eyes frantic and expression furious.
"NOT MY NIECE YOU STINKY FURRY FACED DINGBAT!" She roared at Greyback, before giving him his second punch to the face that day. The spell was lifted and Susan rolled to the side, tears streaming down her face and her anguished sobs echoing in the grief-filled silence. Draco and Hannah hauled her back and away from Voldemort, their own eyes filled with unshed tears.
Susan had known, the only one of Harry's friends who did. But it didn't make the pain any less.
Neville took the distraction and used it. "Accio Monty!" He caught the hat deftly and pulled out the sword of Gryffindor. He sliced Nagini's head off in one fell swoop. No one seemed to notice, not even Voldemort. Neville felt a single pair of eyes on him and turned around.
Luna smiled at him and winked. Her wand was out and Neville noticed a small ward around him and the snake. He smiled gratefully at her.
Neville returned to his friends' sides and the ward dropped, revealing the dead snake. Neville hid the sword behind his back and whistled innocently, still slightly high on Felix. Then he remembered Harry was dead and stopped to scowl at Voldemort instead, grief suddenly crushing him now that his allocated job was done.
No one moved. Voldemort felt accomplished and knew he now had the upper hand, but wasn't really sure what to do now his two biggest enemies were gone. Some more torture and murder, maybe? Perhaps later. For now, he needed to give his ultimatum.
"Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore are dead!" He declared in a loud, commanding tone. "The ministry will be mine by the morning. Surrender now, or you will be detained and killed."
"Kill me, then!" Daphne exclaimed, shaking free of Astoria's grasp. "I'd rather die than live on this foul planet with the likes of you!"
Voldemort sneered at her. "Have it your way then, girl. AVADA KE-"
Sirius launched himself at Daphne and knocked her to the ground; the green light narrowly missing them both.
"He wouldn't want you to die too." Sirius said raggedly. "He needs us to win this, for him."
Minerva, chalk white, stepped forwards.
"Let the children go." Her voice shook with suppressed grief and rage. "Do with the rest of us what you will."
"I think not." Voldemort twirled his wand and smirked. "Severus, step forwards."
"No." Severus said calmly, folding his arms and looking everywhere but Harry's body on the ground.
"Wh- Do as I say, traitor!" Voldemort roared, jabbing his wand at Severus and sending a red spell at him.
Severus deflected it with a flick of his wand. "No."
"You will pay for your crimes, Severus, do you understand? Your death will not be quick or painless." Voldemort hissed something in parseltongue. Nothing happened. He scanned the area for his snake and screeched in rage when he saw her head three feet away from her body.
Severus smirked. "Oh dear, my Lord. It appears the schoolchildren have bested you once again. How pathetic."
"Haha! Nice one, Glitter Sparkles!"
Voldemort froze. "Who said that?" He asked, watching the looks of shock and delight that suddenly appeared on the opposing side's faces with apprehension and slight fear.
"Me, Moldypantsface." Harry swung a frying pan at Voldemort's head with a sickening crack. "You can thank Marlene McKinnon for that one." Then he grabbed Voldemort by the neck and yanked him so hard they both toppled into the black lake. Sirius, Ron, Neville, the twins, Dean, Seamus and surprisingly Draco whooped loudly. Susan, Daphne and Hermione laughed in delight and hugged each other tightly. Ginny and Astoria cheered. The HA clapped, smiling broadly. Molly wept with relief, Remus and Minerva doing the same. Luna smiled serenely.
Snape, naturally, removed ten points from Gryffindor for calling a Professor names. Naturally, it still didn't work and no points were lost.
"Potter!" Voldemort spluttered as he tried to regain his balance, covered in bits of soggy lake-plant.
"Yep, it's me. I'm alive! Which is sort of unexpected but I've done it many times before so also entirely predictable!" Harry said brightly. "I had a very nice chat with Mum and Dad, I reckon they'll be visiting us soon!"
"How?" Voldemort croaked, shock stopping him from killing the brat again just yet.
"What, how will my my parents visit? By train of course!"
"No, fool, how are you alive?" Voldemort snarled.
"Well, since you asked, I'll tell you" Harry said. "It all started on a lovely summer's day, two years ago ish..."
Summer Before Fifth Year, Grimmauld Place
"Filthy traitor's godson should not be in here!" Kreacher said crossly. Harry jumped, holding his hands out in surrender as he walked backwards a few steps.
"I'm sorry!" Harry said hurriedly. "It's just-"
Kreacher scowled.
"Can you hear it?" Harry asked suddenly.
"No. Filthy Master's godson is insane." Kreacher said. Harry rolled his eyes.
"No! Well, yes, but listen! That locket, the one there, it's whispering. It's like-"
Kreacher's eyes went as wide as saucers. "You can hear Master Regulus' locket?"
Harry blinked. "Yeah. What's wrong with it?" Kreacher burst into sobs. Harry stood awkwardly, watching as the elf wailed. He wasn't good with crying people.
"Kreacher failed!" He wailed. "Kreacher failed Master Regulus!"
Harry shifted from foot to foot. "Er, why don't you start at the beginning?" Harry offered. "Then I can help you fulfil whatever it was you've failed at, if you like? As long as it's not anything evil."
Kreacher scoffed, but explained his story between sobs. Harry felt his headache grow. Horcruxes? Voldemort had split his soul? That explained a lot. Was he really that scared of dying?
Well. His name in French did mean Flight From Death, if Hermione was to be believed. Which she was, obviously.
"How do you destroy them?" Harry asked. Kreacher gave him a few different methods. Harry, who was totally completely sane and definitely not a bit of an adrenaline junkie, thought Fiendfyre sounded pretty cool.
When he returned the next day, the locket had been moved. Harry searched the entire house but couldn't find it anywhere. Eventually he asked Sirius, who directed him to the third floor drawing room and gave him the password.
Harry spent days pondering this new information, pretending he was just thinking about the Order and this prophecy they were protecting. He had his suspicions about why he could hear the locket whispering.
Once his hearing was over and the prophecy stolen (his and Susan's plan was already in motion), he would tell his friends about the Horcruxes. Maybe. But there were some things they didn't need to know.
He waited until after his ministry visit and hearing, just in case his suspicions were proved wrong at the Ministry.
He didn't realise how destructive Fiendfyre was, but luckily Kreacher had foresight to use his elf magic to ensure everyone was outside. Along with all the furniture and their belongings, which definitely didn't look strange to the muggles at all.
Summer Before Fifth Year, Department Of Mysteries
"So what does that mean for me then?" Harry asked Susan, frowning. "One of us has to die?"
Harry's hearing was over. Colin was somewhere in the ministry waiting for them, still covered by Harry's invisibility cloak. Harry had sort of let Arthur Weasley believe he was on a date so that he and Susan would be left alone to break into the Department of Mysteries. It was deceivingly easy, as a lovely Unspeakable called Emily Jairn had been fired that morning but was expected to finish her shift, so she let them in as revenge on Umbridge, who had fired her for being a werewolf.
"Potentially. Although the wording is interesting. Neither CAN live whilst the other survives. Almost as if your life is- no, that would be impossible."
"What?" Harry asked her urgently. "Susan just tell me, please?"
Susan sighed, and Harry hated the tears he could see in her eyes. He'd gotten closer to her in fourth year, but he only really started to know her well about a week or so before their little heist. People crying made him uncomfortable anyway.
"Almost as if your life is what is keeping him alive. Or vice versa." A single tear trickled down her cheek.
Harry sat down on the floor with a thud. "Oh." He stared into the veil of death and Susan didn't hesitate to join him, nudging her arm into his in a show of support.
After a few minutes of processing, Harry took a deep breath. He hadn't realised he'd been crying, but he cheeks were noticeably wet.
"So, what sort of connection means the life of one wizard can tether another?" Harry asked sullenly, having a feeling he already knew. Susan shrugged.
"No idea. I think we should go and find Mr Weasley now. We can speak to your friends as soon as my Auntie lets me come and stay with you. The Black family library will have some books that might help. You're staying at a Black family property, right?"
"I do not want to know how you found that out." Harry said, his attempt at a smile looking more like a grimace. "But yeah, Sirius will have to give you the address."
Susan rolled her eyes. "I know because you told me, Potter."
Harry smirked at her, but it quickly turned into a frown. "Are you sure you're happy to help with this?" He asked quietly.
"Of course!" Susan looked at Harry defiantly. "I know how it feels to be an orphan, Harry. I'm not abandoning you; your friends won't either."
"Our friends." Harry corrected firmly. "If you're friends with me, then you're friends with all of us." They smiled at each other and then both turned their gazes to the prophecy in Harry's arms.
"What should we do with it?" Susan whispered. Harry grinned savagely and launched it into the veil.
"If anyone asks, we smashed it." He said. Susan nodded in agreement. "Now, before we get out of here, I need to tell you something Kreacher and I discovered last week. I think it will help us destroy Voldemort. I haven't told the others yet, but now I've heard the prophecy I think it's time."
Summer Before Fifth Year, Grimmauld Place
"So according to Regulus, Voldemort split his soul into seven pieces. Which means aside from himself, there's six vessels." Hermione said, "He's written down the objects too, but locating them will be tricky."
Kreacher had taken a while to remember the existence of Regulus' journal.
They searched Regulus' bedroom. He'd hidden it well and it was warded heavily. Luckily for Harry, Daphne was there to help with that issue. Apparently Regulus wrote down everything Voldemort told him, which was incredibly reckless and dangerous. But Voldemort wasn't exactly smart, just scary. Kind of.
Regulus was also a master Occlumens, so Voldemort really had no way of knowing. Kreacher had only guessed what Regulus wrote in his journal, but it was the best lead they had. They had been on the brink of giving up the hunt when Draco spotted an extremely small rune on the back top left corner of the wardrobe.
"It's a starting point." Susan said. "The Hogwarts ghosts might be able to tell us about the diadem. Zacharias Smith is a descendant of Helga Hufflepuff, he brags about it all the time. He might know about the cup."
"The snake is wherever Voldy is," Neville added, "and the diary and locket are gone. So it is just the ring."
"We can do this!" Daphne nodded resolutely. "Voldy doesn't even know we know yet, so we have time. Look how quickly we've gathered information already!"
"We're winning!" Ron cheered.
Harry's smile didn't reach his eyes. The rest of his friends didn't notice as they scrambled to either go and eat lunch or dive into more research. Susan, however, stood at his side.
"You've figured it out, haven't you?" Harry said, smile dropping. Susan nodded.
"Neither can live." She said simply. "We'll find a way, Harry. I don't think there's ever been a living Horcrux, but we will find a way to remove it without you dying. He will not win."
"He will not win," Harry echoed. Susan's hand twitched next to his, but neither one of them moved. "Whatever it takes. Hey, Kreacher, want to be my house elf?"
Summer Before Fifth Year, Grimmauld Place
"I know what you're doing."
Harry spun around to face Bill, who was leaning casually in the kitchen doorway.
"What do you mean?" He asked warily.
"I'm a curse breaker, Harry. I work with goblins, the slyest nation to ever exist. I know you've stolen paperwork, I know you've heard the prophecy. I cheated a little bit with the horcruxes, I overheard you and the others talking about them." Bill smiled at the dumbfounded look on Harry's face "Don't worry, I won't tell Professor Dumbledore."
Harry sighed with relief.
"However, you have to let me help."
"How?" Harry asked sceptically.
Bill smiled. "However you need. I can help track things down, or ask the goblins for advice, such as how to destroy the horcrux in your scar."
"How do you know about that?" Harry hissed, touching his scar reflexively. Bill grinned.
"You told Sirius you had a piece of Voldemort stuck in your head. I'm not an idiot, Harry. Whilst you are very much crazy by nature at this point, I know some of it is still very much fake."
"Yeah, well." Harry avoided eye contact. "Thanks, I guess. But please don't tell anyone."
"I won't." Bill promised. "I can swear on my magic if you need me to."
"Please." Harry said. "And if you wouldn't mind trying to track down an elusive ring? It's the only object on the list we have no leads on."
"Right away, sir." Bill mock saluted and Harry smiled at him.
"And Bill?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you."
Bill smiled as Harry gently squeezed passed him and dashed upstairs. He vowed to himself he would do his best for Harry, who was basically his sixth brother at this point.
Fifth Year, Great Hall
"I spoke to Smith." Susan muttered as she joined them at the Hufflepuff table. "He gave me his aunt's address. I sent her an owl last week and she wrote back this morning."
Hermione frowned. "What did you tell Smith?"
"Just that I was doing a research project on the founders to enhance my portfolio for when I graduate." Susan said airily. Hermione smirked.
"Nice. So, what did his aunt say?"
"She didn't. Smith said she was a bit batty and to expect to hear from her house elf instead. The elf was very helpful..."
"No." Harry said immediately. "We aren't adopting a third house elf, the two we've got already prefer you anyway."
"Fourth." Susan said, slightly petulantly. "Because you put Winky on the wait- list."
"She was sad and lonely with a drinking problem! And I'm still currently her favourite for once! It was a necessary action."
Hermione giggled and Susan rolled her eyes. "Anyway, the elf said the heirloom was stolen shortly after a visit from a young man, who called himself Tom Riddle."
"She didn't know where it went after?"
Neville frowned. "Let's think a minute. Malfoy had the diary, so clearly he was trusted. Who else does Voldemort trust?"
Harry brightened. "Luna, super spy powers activate?"
"Sorry, the nargles are cross with me today." She sighed. Ginny laughed. Harry pouted.
"If only we have a way of peering into his head!" Harry shook his head sadly. He had an idea of his telepathic link, but hadn't yet figured out how to exploit it.
"Bellatrix might have a horcrux." Neville said suddenly. "Think about it. She's Voldypants' right-hand woman, if he gave one to Malfoy he almost definitely gave one to her. And what's supposedly the safest place aside from Hogwarts?"
"Gringotts!" Harry exclaimed. "I've always wanted to try and break in just for fun. Want to come with, Susan?"
"Depends, are you aiming to start a Goblin War?" She asked curiously.
"No, I'll make a bet with the goblins before my attempt and then when I succeed I'll give them back the sword of Gryffindor. It's goblin-made, you know."
"Doesn't Dumbledore have it?" Daphne asked.
"... Yes."
"Can we stop plotting how to steal from the most bloodthirsty species in Britain and the most esteemed Headmaster of Hogwarts and focus on how to check Bellatrix's vault for the horcruxes?" Hermione asked crossly.
"I have an idea." Harry said. "Here's the plan..."
Hi T,
We think there's a worm in one of your relatives' piggy banks. Fancy playing dress up to help us rescue it?
If you do, I'll tell Lockhart he's a zookeeper to make your mum's life both more bearable and much more difficult at the same time.
Stay Clumsy,
H
Harry,
It's a deal.
Stay crazy,
T
Harry upheld his end of the bargain first. After plotting for a while how to go about getting into Gringotts, the opportunity arose when Bellatrix herself broke out of Azkaban, just after Harry finally discovered how to use the link to Voldemort properly.
"Okay, so how about I try and possess Voldemort-"
"No." Daphne said firmly. "No way."
"Fine." Harry sulked.
He made use of the twins well-timed distraction to sneak out of the exam hall, a polyjuiced Dobby sat in his place. Which was perfectly acceptable because they were only the mock exams.
He had Kreacher pop him over to Diagon Alley (He loved having a Black family elf, it came in very useful when bypassing Hogwarts' shabby wards), and smiled when he saw Bill and Tonks waiting by Ollivanders.
Bill went into Gringotts first and a few minutes later Tonks, now Bellatrix, swept in alone. Harry, who was under the invisibility cloak, was quite impressed with her sudden grace.
The goblins fell for it, which was awesome. They did a blood test, which came back positive because Tonks had Black-family blood, which is all the low-level blood test searched for. They were taken directly to the vault. She grabbed the cup and placed it in her bag, then she left.
Five minutes later, Harry and Tonks entered the bank as themselves and completely visible. Bill met with them, looking pleased.
"The goblins can remove the horcrux, Harry!" He said excitedly, once they were in a private meeting room. "For a small fee, of course, but it can be done without killing you!"
Harry just smiled. He knew his answer, and why.
Fifth Year, Hogwarts Castle
"The tiara was my mother's. It's still here, in the castle. A handsome boy, Tom Riddle, returned it here years ago."
"Do you know where?"
"I do not, but Hogwarts will always help those who ask for it."
"Which isn't very good security, but go figure." Harry said. "Thank you, Miss Ravenclaw. Come on, Ginny, let's go."
They hurried to the Great Hall and dragged the others off.
"What did she mean? How do we ask Hogwarts?" Ron asked, once they were all in the library. He was scowling, still annoyed about missing half his lunch.
"No idea." Draco said glumly. Hermione slapped her hand to her forehead.
"The Room of Requirement!" She exclaimed, and they all sprinted for the fifth floor.
Hogwarts Castle, The Chamber Of Secrets
"It's so much worse than I remember." Ron grimaced as they stomped through bones and dirt. "And it stinks!"
"There's a rotting corpse down here, what did you expect? A disco party?" Daphne retorted sarcastically, wrinkling her nose as the stench grew stronger.
"Here." Harry said, and led them all through to the main chamber. Ginny had stayed behind with Astoria and Luna, not wanting to relive her trauma. They were trying to keep the younger three girls out of most of it anyway, even though they knew about the horcruxes.
"Gross." Susan deadpanned. "Will this one do?" She walked up to the corpse and snapped off a fang.
"Yep." Harry grinned. "Stab away, Sue!"
The Gaunt House, Summer Before Sixth Year
"So, this is where the descendants of Slytherin ended up?" Harry asked Bill as they walked towards a decrepit house. They had snuck out during an order meeting Bill claimed he couldn't attend due to work. Which wasn't exactly a lie, he was sort of working. Technically. At a stretch. "Shouldn't they live somewhere more fancy? Like that one?"
"That's a muggle house." Bill said, shaking his head. "In the middle of a muggle village."
"I know, it's where Voldy's dad lived. I've been there." Harry said, wondering why the descendants of Slytherin chose to live so close to muggles.
"You have?" Bill asked, eyebrows raised.
"Yeah, it's where I met Voldy face to face for the fourth time!"
"Er, right. Well, it's lucky you managed to see into his mind, we never would have found this place otherwise." Bill said sarcastically, still not pleased Harry was refusing to have the horcrux removed just so he could have an advantage in a war that wasn't even his to fight.
"And it's lucky I brought Daphne, she's amazing at wards." Harry quipped back. Bill looked mildly insulted, but saw Harry's point when the blonde girl managed to dismantle more wards in five seconds than Bill could do in five minutes.
"Want a job?" He asked her. Daphne blushed.
Harry ignored them both and skipped into the house.
"Guys, this place is so cool!" He yelled. "Watch out for the knives, I think the place is booby-trapped! Oh, a shiny red button! I'm going to press it! Wheeeeeee!"
Daphne scowled as the sounds grew fainter and fainter.
"Guys? Guys, I may be stuck in a hole!"
Daphne sighed, and pinched the bridge of her nose "Of course he is. Can we just leave him in there for a bit?"
Bill shrugged. "Sure, why not?"
They tore the house apart, Harry complaining from the hole in the middle of the kitchen floor. There was no shiny red button in sight, but there was a shiny golden goblet on the table that had clearly been picked up and dropped in shock. Honestly, Harry could be as bad as a niffler when it came to shiny golden things. He blamed it on being a seeker but his friends knew better.
Eventually they located the ring, Harry shouting out ideas and random reptile facts from the hole. Daphne reached out to touch it but Bill grabbed her wrist.
"Don't." He warned. "It will definitely kill you."
"Guys, if you want to destroy it, you'll have to get me out of this hole!" Harry shouted smugly. "I have the basilisk fang!"
"Accio basilisk fang." Daphne said, waving her wand. She wasn't bothered by the threat of the statue of secrecy, not when the ministry were too busy worrying about the imminent war.
"Hey! That's cheating!"
Bill quickly stabbed the ring, smirking, then his jaw dropped in shock.
"No. Way." He breathed.
"What?" Harry said, peering over his shoulder. Bill jumped. "Sorry, I got bored so I had Dobby come and rescue me. Oooh, that's a pretty stone. What's that symbol on it for?"
Grimmauld Place, Summer Before Sixth Year
"So the tale of the three brothers is real. Harry has the cloak, which is a family heirloom and therefore he is a descendent of the literal Peverell brothers?" Ron asked, shocked. "Mate, next you'll tell me you're secretly a king!"
"Er." Harry said. Ron fainted. Luna giggled. "Anyway, so we have the cloak and the stone, but no idea about the elder wand."
"Dumbledore." Draco said instantly. "I vaguely remember reading somewhere that Grindelwald believed he had possession of it. Everyone thought he was crazy; Dumbledore disarmed him and it never came up again."
"Oh, how fun! Susan, can I please rob the headmaster? Pretty please?"
"Sure, go ahead." Harry pumped the air with his fist. "But wait until we've sorted Voldy first."
Harry sighed. "Okay." He said miserably. "But we can't let him keep it forever, because he's an irresponsible grown up."
Hogwarts Grounds, Normal Time
"And that is how a group of teenagers found out about your master plan and foiled it! My, we were even younger then you were when you first put this plan in action! How poetic!" Harry clapped his hands once and very carefully avoided looking at anyone else.
"You still owe me a Gringotts break-in, Potter!" Susan called out. Harry gave her a thumbs up.
Harry grinned widely at Voldemort. "I still haven't decided whether it was the fact I was a horcrux that allowed me to live or the crazy amount of Luck Potion I ingested. You know, I think I'm slightly high right now."
"Me too!" Draco and Neville chorused.
"Oh, also!" Harry grinned and rolled up his sleeve. "Look Seamus, Dean! It's gone!"
"What's gone?" Hannah asked curiously.
Dean rolled his eyes. "His super cool danger mark." He and the rest of their Divination class said in unison. Harry smiled proudly. He had no idea if his actual scar was still there or not, but he also didn't really care. When his name came out of the goblet, he wanted to make a name for himself that was separate from heroics and his scar. Now he'd achieved that by being a complete and utter madman, he didn't hate his scar as much as he once did.
Sort of poetic if you didn't think about it too much.
"You know, Tom." Voldemort flinched. The crazy glint in the Harry's eyes had vanished in a millisecond and the child before him was now a warrior. "The last line in the prophecy, neither can live while the other survives, is the only part that really mattered. The bit you wanted to know so badly. And that single line alone led to your downfall."
Voldemort raised his wand. Harry raised his.
"As long as I was alive with a bit of you in my head, you could come back. But now, all of those are gone. I had to die to get rid of the horcrux you put in me. Which also means you couldn't live if I died. Huh, maybe the prophecy isn't actually that smart. Sorry, Professor Trelawney."
"I-"
"But know this, Tom." Harry took a step forwards. "As long as I live, you will not survive. Because I would die sooner than let you take over this world. EXPELLIARMUS!"
"AVADA KEDAVRA!"
The spells collided. Harry's parents smiled at him proudly and waved merrily at Remus and Sirius. Harry pushed on, and pushed, and pushed. More and more shadowy figures appeared out of his wand.
Regulus cheered loudly and blew a loud raspberry at Voldemort, then waved merrily at Sirius and Kreacher, who were both sobbing. Marlene gave Harry a thumbs up and Dorcas rolled her eyes. Alice and Frank didn't show, but Voldemort hadn't killed them. He technically only killed Regulus indirectly, but it must've still counted. The muggle from the Riddle House, Frank Bryce, was also there, waving his walking stick and yelling at Voldemort.
Voldemort's resolve broke, and so did his wand.
It was over.
"WE WON!" Susan yelled, throwing herself at Harry. "WE WON!"
Bellatrix screeched with unbridled rage. Hedwig suddenly swooped low from where she had been circling the fight from above with Fawkes and Buckbeak. "Cruci-"
BANG. Bellatrix's spell died on her lips and she fell to the floor, dead. Dudley smirked and lightly tossed the gun in the air.
"Anyone else?" He asked. Hedwig trilled happily, no longer carrying a gun. How peculiar!
The rest of the Death Eaters fled. Or tried to, anyway. Daphne's quickly erected wards prevented them from going anywhere and they were detained by the Order.
"Ha! Take that you psycho killing machines!" Monty the Sorting Hat cackled loudly from Neville's arms. Neville almost dropped him in surprise.
"Ron was right again!" Dean exclaimed. "Harry's cousin really did kill the hyena!"
Harry found himself in a dogpile of humans. Sirius, Remus, all the Weasleys and all his friends fought over hugging him, making sure he was really there, really alive.
A cheerful voice interrupted the reunion.
"Ah, hello everyone. The castle is in a bit of a state, did I miss another Weasley prank?"
"Albus?" Minerva whispered. "But... you're dead!"
"Dead?" Dumbledore laughed. Severed ropes hung from his wrists and ankles and his bruise had grown to twice the size. "I think not. Miss Bones gave me something lovely to help me sleep."
"She hit you with frying pan, tied you up and force-fed you a sherbet lemon." Hermione reminded him. Susan grinned bashfully.
"Actually, Kreacher hit him with the frying pan and the dreamless sleep was all Harry." She said honestly. "All I did was tie him up and buy the sherbet lemons that we laced with Harry's dreamless sleep."
"You like sherbet lemons too?" Dumbledore clapped delightedly at Susan's nod. "How wonderful!"
"Hey!" Harry said, offended that Susan stole his dreamless sleep. "That was my emergency stash! I had Kreacher ward it against any other human!"
Susan smirked. "I asked Dobby to get it."
Harry scowled. "Cheater. By the way, Gandalf, Voldy is as dead as a doorknob!"
"I- but- you- Harry, dear boy, he isn't truly gone until all of the you-know-what's have been destroyed!" Dumbledore exclaimed, frantically looking around at their audience. Amelia Bones eyed him sharply.
"Ugh, Hermione, can you fill him in?" Harry groaned. "Preferably the long version, so I can have a decent nap before he tries to tell me I need to die."
Dumbledore stilled. "How did you-"
"Bye!" Harry skipped off, Colin and Rita Skeeter following him purposefully.
"Potter? Do have a biscuit first, dear."
"Awww, thanks Minnie!"
Hermione turned to Dumbledore, predatory gleam in her eye.
Dumbledore gulped at the look on her face. It was going to be a long, long night.
Chapter 52: Post-Battle Depression
Things were crazy for a while after that.
Harry did not, in fact, go for a nap. Instead he was interviewed and photographed by Rita and Colin.
Afterwards, Harry went to find Amelia Bones. He told her about the wards and the horcruxes and what Dumbledore had tried to get Harry, Ron and Hermione to do, and she fired the headmaster on the spot as acting Minister for Magic.
Sirius and Remus yelled at him for hours, his friends were all over him, then remembered what he'd done and ignored him, then were all over him again, and Susan even kissed him on the cheek!
Dudley was given an Order of Merlin for shooting Bellatrix, the first muggle ever to receive one. Harry gave him two million people points for it, making him that years' winner. His reward was enough money for a wedding when he finally got around to proposing to Shannon. Dudley graduated college with an A* and was all set to start his degree in September. It was cooking related, of course.
During the summer, all of Harry's people hid away at Grimmauld place to avoid the press and other annoying people. Molly and Fleur planned the perfect wedding, and Fleur looked absolutely gorgeous as she walked down the aisle, Colin snapping pictures the whole time. He'd been paid to, of course.
Harry, Cedric and Viktor followed her, dressed in light blue suits and carrying a small bunch of forget-me-nots each. Charlie cried three times and Percy showed up before the wedding, looking incredibly guilty.
He was forgiven of course. Harry had forgotten about him to be honest.
The party afterwards was immense. Dudley and Shannon had been the caterers, and had done a marvellous job. Harry, of course, did the baking and the wedding cake, with a bit of help from Daphne and Ginny. Dudley made Harry promise to come and make the puddings in his future restaurant, when Harry got bored of the wizarding world.
Luna was in charge of the music, and did an excellent job. Hermione and Molly were the organisers and Draco, Neville and Ron enjoyed kicking unwanted people to the curb.
Oh, and Peter Pettigrew had been found dead. Whoopie!
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls-"
"May we present to you-"
"Lockhart's Mad Menagerie!" Fred and George finished together with a flourish, doing jazz hands and jumping to the side so that the crowd could cheer and clap for Gellert Lockhart, currently the most famous zookeeper in the Wizarding World.
"Hello, hello!" He exclaimed, waving to the crowd. "Do come through, this little project had been years in the making!"
"How much for a ticket?" Harry asked, smiling at Gellert as he stepped forwards from the crowd.
"For you, Harry? Free of charge!" Lockhart ruffled his hair and pulled him into a side hug.
"Big smile, Harry." Lockhart whispered. "Together, you and I might just make the front page!"
Harry laughed loudly and Colin snapped a picture with a smile.
"Front page indeed." Harry said, winking at Colin. Colin Creevey was currently the most famous and highly sought after photographer in the country.
Lockhart beckoned the crowd forwards and everyone piled into the zoo.
Hermione had to admit, it was truly incredible. The place was huge, and the enclosures were designed to replicate the natural environments of the creatures inside almost perfectly.
"As you can see, we keep the mundane creatures in this half of the zoo, to appeal to the muggles as well as the magical." Lockhart explained, still grimacing slightly at the word "muggle" Hermione gave Harry a sharp look and he just smiled unrepentantly at her. "Our magical creatures are right through here, hidden from the muggle eye. Miss Greengrass has put some fine wards in place for us that ensure any talk of anything magical is hidden from muggle ears. I believe they have four ears, right Harry?"
"Er, two actually." Harry said. "I got my facts mixed up."
"No worries, dear boy! Now, for my finest exhibit." Lockhart waited for the crowd to gather together and then waved his wand with a flourish. An invisibility ward fell and revealed a glorious bird enclosure.
"Phoenixes!" Lockhart cried as the crowd cheered. "We have four currently, our most recent addition being Fawkes, who decided to retire as a familiar and live out his last few years here with us. And if you look to the left, you'll see-"
"Peacocks!" Ginny exclaimed, as one fanned out his feathers and preened.
"Yes, graciously returned to their rightful home by dearest Lady Malfoy." Lockhart announced. Narcissa smiled warmly and excepted Lockhart's grateful kiss on the back of her hand.
"This is insanity." Ron muttered to Neville and Draco.
"You sound surprised." Draco said sarcastically.
"Even Hermione is enjoying herself, look!" Neville sniggered. Hermione was watching the phoenixes with a look of awe. "After all those fights she had with Harry about the morality of lying to Lockhart, she somehow still found herself enjoying the results of Harry's labour."
"Because I'm just so rad, Nev, am I right or am I right?" Harry grinned, sneaking up behind them. Neville jumped and sneezed.
"I'm right, actually." Ginny said, remembering her own fake identity. "And I say this place is wicked. One of your better ideas, Harry, I have to say."
"Absolutely." Bill agreed, watching the peacocks fight Fawkes for a burger tossed into the enclosure by Luna. "Um, can birds eat burgers?"
"Apparently." Daphne smirked. "Fawkes adores them."
After the summer holidays, Minerva took over as Headmistress, Severus as Deputy. The first thing Minerva did was replace Binns with Narcissa Malfoy and make sure each Head of House had a deputy. Hermione and Draco were named Head Girl and Boy.
Severus decided he preferred teaching potions and handed over his Head of House position to Aurora, with Narcissa as her Deputy. Remus took over as DADA teacher and Head of Gryffindor House for the time being, with Babbling as his deputy. Flitwick gained Grubbly-Plank as a deputy, and Sprout gained Vector.
With Voldy gone, Severus Snape was much more pleasant and a far better teacher. He was already on the redemptive path, but Voldy's death sped it along. He was still the scariest professor at Hogwarts. Almost. Narcissa was far more terrifying. Harry still purposefully wound him up and Snape still pretended to hate it, just for laughs.
Ron asked Hermione out, who obviously said yes. Draco still balked at the thought of relationships, so Daphne had a lot of fun pretending to ask him out several times a week. Ginny joined in, just because she could. She somehow managed to smuggle in five bright pink gnomes that chased Draco around for two days. Kreacher especially seemed to enjoy this.
Ginny and Kreacher had bonded massively over shared leadership of the Quabbler. Susan was still Kreacher's favourite, but Ginny was a close second. Harry was starting to get really annoyed at being no-one's favourite.
Neville became Sprout's assistant teacher after an O+ in his sixth year Herbology exam. She added muggle plants, especially cacti, to the curriculum. He also managed to ask out Hannah, with some help from Dobby.
Hermione and Harry managed to get O+ in their sixth year Potions exams. Harry got another O+ in DADA, allowing him to continue with assistant teaching. He did wonder whether he and Hermione would get the chance to TA for Snape in Potions, but he hadn't heard anything yet.
Introductory classes and courses were offered to all students. Muggleborns were reached out to far earlier in their childhoods instead of on their eleventh birthdays, and more safeguarding measures were put in place for all magical children, muggleborn and pureblood alike. Magical primary schools were set up for children of all magical or muggle descent, that taught a blend of magical theory and muggle subjects that would be beneficial.
Ginny, Luna and Astoria got permission to have a pet dog on grounds, who assisted Madame Pomfrey in the hospital wing (Sirius had always been a proficient healer). The twins' shop business was going amazingly, and Harry-
Well, Harry was bored.
"Hermione?"
"No."
"You don't even know what I'm going to ask!"
"No, Harry, you will not be becoming a Dark Lord just because you do not know how to exist out of survival instincts and threats of death looming over you."
"Oh, so you did know what I was going to ask. Drat."
All in all, things were looking great for Seventh Year.
"Harry, I said don't become a Dark Lord!"
"I'm not! I'm a Light one! See?" Harry pointed at the light bulb balanced on his head.
"Some things never change." Ron shook his head in amusement.
"Clearly dying just made him even more mental." Daphne added with a snort.
Harry grinned. Mental? Maybe. Loved? Most definitely. Harry might have been insanely bored, but he was happy.
Who knew all one needed in life was a little bit of childish nonsense?
Which sounds like an ending. But Harry was too bored for things to be over yet. He didn't really want to be dark lord, a light lord, or a dark-light lord, but he did still have things to do.
Like go on Safari! And visit Hagrid properly, and catch up with everyone else like Cedric, Tonks, Viktor, Bill, Carlie and Fleur! And have a family! Him and Susan should also probably tell their friends they're dating now. Daphne would definitely cry, since she was used to Harry telling her all the gossip. And he still had a bet with the goblins to win. Since he was still alive, he really should think about his future more seriously. Now that he thought about it, he didn't have time to become a dark-light-dark lord.
Susan, Hermione and Draco though? Well, they were already plotting how to take over the ministry after graduation. How hard could it be to just take over the Britain and then the world alongside? Pretty easy, for those three anyway. Especially with all the house elves Susan had stolen from Harry and kept collecting more of. They'd have an army in no time.
Oh yes, and he really needed that elder wand. Which now he thought about it, he still had the resurrection stone! Maybe it was time to get the marauders back together for a few hours... minus Peter, duh.
Harry grinned. The next few years would be far more interesting than he'd originally thought...
Chapter 53: Hermione's Big Mistake
It was only a week into seventh year when Harry was called into the Headmistress' office for the sixth time that academic year. She sat primly in the chair behind the desk, observing Harry and Hermione with a small smirk. Hermione was grinning, pleased, and Harry?
Well, Harry was just a bit confused.
"So you're saying that me and Hermione-"
"Hermione and I." Hermione corrected.
"Fine, Hermione and I got high enough grades in our potions exams, despite the whole dying and coming back to life thing, to TA in potions?" Harry asked sceptically. He and Snape might get on alright now, but surely the Potions Master would hate this little development. Minerva smiled and nodded. "Snape is going to kill you, Headmistress." Unless... no, Snape definitely wasn't as much of an adrenaline junkie as Harry was. No way.
"So you do remember my real name, Potter!" Harry jumped and turned in his chair to see Snape standing in the doorway.
"Oh, hello sir!" Harry waved. "Minnie wants me and Hermione to team up with you to teach potions. No idea why she thought of it just now and not on the first day back like she did with DADA last year." Harry said with a small frown.
Snape smirked at him. "I think you'll find, Mr Potter, that when you ask your friends to become a Dark Lord out of boredom, some of them tell a teacher."
"You snitch!" Harry pointed accusingly at Hermione.
"Harry, you said you were bored." Hermione said with an eye roll. "Not only did you threaten to become a dark lord, you also threatened to find a way to resurrect Bellatrix for, what did you call it? A 'nice little game of tag'-"
"Everyone else I asked said no!"
"-nd with so many people in the castle with the potential to inherit the Black family madness-"
"Excuse me?" Harry asked, hand on his chest. "Black family madness? I'm a Potter, I'll have you know."
Hermione rolled her eyes again. "Harry, your grandmother was a Black."
Harry stared at her. "How come you know that and I don't?"
"Because I have more common sense than you." Hermione said primly.
"Look Hermione, you're clever and all but there's no way you figured that out just from the single context clue of me being a little bit mad." Snape snorted.
"Understatement." He muttered under his breath. and Harry glared at him.
Hermione sighed. "Fine. Remember when I showed you your dad's quidditch award in first year?"
"Yes, what about it?"
"I found out he had one from a news article, in which his parents were named. Fleamont Potter and Dorea Potter nee Black. She was Sirius' father's second cousin or something, I checked the family tree in Grimmauld place."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Harry asked, looking very offended.
Hermione gave him an incredulous. "Harry, I've told you at least three times a year since we moved into Grimmauld!"
Harry paused. "No, you haven't."
"Yes, I have."
"No you haven't!"
"Yes I have!"
"No, you ha-"
"Children, please." Minerva said, holding up a hand. Hermione huffed at the insult. Harry grinned cheekily at her. "Potter, I can confirm Miss Granger has attempted to tell you this at least three times that I've witnessed myself."
"Oh." Hermione smirked at Harry, who huffed. "Well, not all Blacks are mad anyway. Andromeda and Draco are as normal as they come. Actually I take that back, You and Draco were both mental when it came to the muggle weapons. You were both out of your minds when you took Felix too. You were completely bonkers when it came to my potions textbook." Snape's eyes narrowed.
"It isn't about me, I'm not related to the Blacks."
"Yes, but even ignoring all of that my point still stands. Andromeda is totally normal and Draco is too, mostly."
"However, Sirius is a lunatic, Tonks is, well, Tonks, and Mrs Malfoy is always indulging your bad behaviour." Hermione pointed out.
"Because she loves me!"
"The Weasley's are also distantly related to the Black family and you know what the twins and Ginny are like. And Ron, to an extent."
"You're just sticking up for him because you're in loooveee!" Harry sang, poking her in the arm. Hermione blushed at the raised eyebrows from both her Professors.
"Whatever." She said, shaking her head. "The point is if you aren't kept busy, you and all the other crazy people in this castle will probably burn the school down. So, I asked Snape if our O+s in our sixth year exams would allow us both to TA in potions whilst you continue to TA in Defence."
"So basically, you're trying to turn me into a teacher's pet." Harry folded his arms. "It's working. I'm in!"
He looked at Snape, whose lip twitched. That confirmed Harry's earlier suspicions. Snape was just as bored as Harry was, without any wars or anything to kill time. He probably needed some entertainment too.
"So, we'll see you in your second year class tomorrow for a screaming session then?" Harry asked Snape, smiling innocently.
Snape inclined his head. "Indeed."
Hermione's face fell. "I've just enabled something I'm going to really regret, haven't I?" She asked Minerva miserably. Minerva smiled.
"Yes, dear. Good luck."
"Your initiation, Miss Granger, will be for you to teach the second years tomorrow." Snape said silkily. "I already know Mr Potter is capable of teaching. Farewell." Snape left, and Harry gave Hermione a sympathetic look.
"The second years are the worst." He warned her. "Like year eight girls in muggle secondary. So much drama, all the time!"
"How do you know what muggle secondary is like? We've never been there!"
"We haven't, but Dudley and Shannon have. Anyway good luck tomorrow, second years have been my least favourite class to teach since I started helping Snape last year. Night Minnie!" Harry skipped off, leaving a slightly frazzled Hermione behind.
"Have a biscuit, dear." Minerva said sympathetically. Hermione accepted and slumped in her chair.
Harry gasped loudly. "Oh no!"
"What now?" Hermione sighed exasperatedly. It hadn't been long since she and Harry had starting assisting Snape in Potions, but Harry was still somehow finding time to cause trouble.
Harry and Snape had a 'verbal dance war' at least once a week. They even duelled in the Great Hall on one very memorable Wednesday. It was pretty spectacular, even Dumbledore was impressed by the sheer power and elegance both wizards wielded their magic with. He cheered for both of them, waving his mop madly.
Why did Albus Dumbledore wave a mop, you ask? Well, after Amelia Bones fired him Filch retired, so Dumbledore was allowed to replace Filch as the new school caretaker - as long as his magical core was 95% bound so that he was barely able to use any magic whatsoever. It was that or Azkaban, so Dumbledore didn't kick up too much of a fuss.
Minerva, Snape, Narcissa and Sinistra all kept a very, very close eye on him, but so far he hadn't attempted anything.
Colin's pictures of the event made the front page of the Daily Prophet. They were in the Quibbler too, of course. And the Quabbler.
Snape also found out about the disappearance of his textbook. Hermione had made a copy before giving it back and Snape didn't even seem that annoyed...
Until he'd discovered the notes in red pen Hermione had added, either adding to or correcting Severus' own notes. She'd gotten her first ever detention and Harry had practically beamed with pride.
"Sprout's birthday! I completely forgot this year, I have to make it up to her! Daphne, Ginny, come with me." Harry grabbed both girls and dragged them away. Hermione rolled her eyes.
"Professor Pink, we're baking today." Harry demanded as the three students burst into the potions classroom, Hermione following them reluctantly. "We have until lunchtime to make sure Professor Sprout's birthday is perfect!"
Snape just sighed. "Do what you must."
Once the second years arrived and were seated, Harry turned around to grin at them, wearing a bright green apron and holding a wooden spoon threateningly.
"The art of cake-making is a delicate procedure." He said, almost Snape-like in his seriousness.
The students saw a different side to TA Potter that day. Snappy, scary, and a complete perfectionist, he criticized their every move and added and removed people points every three seconds. Even Nott, who had been one of Harry's favourites the year before, got scolded at least twice.
The end result was many perfect cakes, all in different flavours. Daphne talked the students through making the perfect frosting whilst Ginny and Harry cut, assembled and yelled at the freshly baked cakes. Dobby and Kreacher were summoned to help, whilst Winky watched with wide eyes. Then the students were dismissed whilst Daphne returned to Harry and Ginny to help with the decoration.
Hermione and Snape shared a look and left. Hermione to go and read, Snape to find Minerva and a bottle of firewhiskey.
That lunchtime, the students and staff sang loudly as a cake the same size as a desk was wheeled into the room, shaped and decorated like a greenhouse. Daphne had cast a simple animation spell on the mandrakes, who squealed, and the venomous tentactula, who was preening in his pink polka dot icing dress.
The Hall was decorated in Hufflepuff colours and the singing was much more lively that year.
Pomona Sprout wondered what she had done to deserve all the love on her birthday every single year. She didn't remember sitting with Sirius all night in his first year when he had snuck out of Gryffindor common room, too afraid of his nightmares to go to sleep.
But Sirius did. It was why he'd told Harry to start the tradition all those years ago. So the big black dog, who the students knew was Sirius but had grown to love as Padfoot anyway, wagged his tail happily as he watched the celebrations.
"Who wants another best common room ever rematch?" Harry asked loudly after the party, he and Daphne eyeing the Hufflepuff banners.
"No one!" Someone yelled, and the other students chimed in with their agreement. Especially the Ravenclaws, the smug losers.
"Oh. Okay then."
Harry and Daphne, of course, left immediately to go and cry over ice cream. It really was an effective stress relief.