Chapter 6
As Harry was finishing his breakfast this stormy morning, the phone rang.
Dan made it to the phone. "Granger residence, Dr. Granger speaking."
"Ah, good morning, Dr. Granger, this is the Surrey chief constable. May I speak with a Master Harry Potter?"
Dan's eyes widened. "Certainly, sir … just a moment." Looking at Harry, he said, "Harry, it's the chief constable of Surrey, he wants to speak with you."
Harry accepted the phone. "Good morning, Chief Constable, this is Harry Potter speaking. How may I be of service?"
"Master Potter, last night I received a rather disturbing package with photos in it of a young boy who looked malnourished and abused. I wanted to call to confirm what I read about them in the accompanying letter. This young boy was you?"
"Yes, sir, chief constable, it was."
"You are living with the Grangers now, is that right?"
"Yes, sir, chief constable."
"We have several warrants for the arrest of the Dursleys. Before we pay them a visit, we would like to stop by your place to talk over plans … assuming you want to be there."
"I would be more than happy to be there with you, chief constable. Let me ask Dr. Granger if it's okay for you to visit." Covering the phone, Harry looked at Dan. "Dan, they want to visit us to talk over plans."
"These plans concern the Dursleys, right?" Harry nodded. "Yes, the police may come."
"Excellent … chief constable? Dr. Granger has given his permission, so your proposed visit is a go! I repeat, your visit is a go!"
"We'll be over in about ten minutes, Master Potter. Over and out."
~DAHP~
The chief constable was better than his word to Harry … he and the crew he had gathered made it to the Granger residence in five minutes.
"Excellent timing, chief constable … you made it here in half the time you said you would," Harry said, giving a crisp military salute in greeting.
"It was just an estimate. You are Master Harry James Potter, I presume?"
"Yes, sir, chief constable, I am the one and only Harry James Potter. With me are the Grangers … Hermione and her parents, Dr. Dan and Dr. Emma Granger."
"Well, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Chief Constable Rowley, and with me here are Constables Higgins, Holmes, and Watson."
"Good morning, Master Potter," they said.
"A pleasure to meet you gentlemen … shall we go inside?"
~DAHP~
When the four visitors were seated in chairs, Harry and Hermione sat down on a couch, rather close to each other. This did not go unnoticed, and there were grins of mirth on the constables's faces.
"She's sho' ta'en wi' you, ain't she, Master Po'er?" asked Constable Higgins.
"Yes, you could say she is, Constable …?"
"Me name's 'Iggins, Master Po'er. Constable Clyde 'Iggins."
"I say they act like a married couple, Holmes. What do you think?" asked Constable Watson.
"You are very close to the mark, Watson. They ARE a married couple," said Constable Holmes.
This brought gasps of shock from the other constables. "No blee'in' way can they be married, 'Olmes!" shouted Higgins.
"How can you be so sure about that, Holmes?" asked Watson, amazed.
"It's elementary, my dear Watson. Do you remember how last night the Chief Constable was looking for the files on these very people we're sitting across from?"
"Yes, we were having difficulty finding one Hermione Jean Granger in our files."
"Either she never existed to begin with, Watson, or she changed her name. Seeing how Hermione is here before us, that rules out the first option, and we are left with the change of name. Was she adopted, Dr. Granger?"
Dan answered, "No, Constable Holmes, Emma and I are her birth parents."
Holmes smiled. "Seeing the interaction between Harry and Hermione here only confirms my suspicion that they are married, but when we add in the fact that her file" – he brought it out – "says Hermione Jean POTTER, the suspicion becomes a certainty."
Harry looked at Constable Holmes, noting the cold hawk eyes and the sharp nose, not to mention the way the man's mind gave off a constant pulse of activity. "I would almost say you know too much, Constable Sherlock Holmes," he said with a grin.
Holmes matched Harry grin for grin. "You flatter me, Master Potter. It is not so much the knowledge I have, but the observations I make and what I can deduce from those observations. Higgins, Watson and I are Class M-W constables … we help deal with the citizens of Britain's Magical World."
"You can trust us to keep your secrets safe, Master Potter," said Rowley. "They have all taken oaths of silence concerning any magical activity they come across."
"Is that so, Chief Constable? Is this allowed under the Statute of Secrecy?" asked Hermione.
"That is correct, Lady Potter. The Ministry is in agreement that we can have a division for such situations as when we need to get to any of its citizens out in the Muggle world."
"Even a cursory inspection of their minds shows impressive Occlumency shields for Muggles, Harry. I would not dare to try breaking into those minds."
"Whyever not, Tommy?" thought Harry.
"Two words: splitting headache."
"So, Master Potter," said Rowley, "what's the plan?"
"It's simple: the four of you follow us to the Dursley residence at 4 Privet Drive. Dan, Emma, Hermione, and I will enter, and most likely, Vernon will threaten to call the cops. Once you hear a scream, that's when you come in, busting down the doors. We'll help subdue them if they give any trouble."
The group went outside. " 'Ow are you ge'ing there, Master Po'er? Are you going there by car?" asked Higgins.
Harry smiled. Grabbing Hermione and her parents, he said to them, eyes glowing, "Just follow the black and gold cloud."
"Follow the –? Oh, I see," said Watson as he saw a cloud envelop Harry, Hermione, and the Grangers.
"Well, what are we waiting for? After that cloud!" said Rowley.
Tommy started to sing, "Follow the, follow the, follow the, follow the, follow the black and gold cloud! We're off to see the Dursleys ..."
~DAHP~
Arriving at the Dursleys, Dan and Emma stepped forward and rang the doorbell. It was Vernon who answered the door. "Why, Dr. Granger, it's so nice to see you! Please, come in."
"Thank you, Vernon. You've met my wife Emma, haven't you?"
"Yes, I have. It's nice to meet you again. Where is your daughter?"
"Oh, Hermione? She should be along to play with Dudley any moment now," said Emma, knowing that Dudley was about to get a major dose of pain when Hermione DID arrive.
A knock on the back door sounded, and Dudley went to get it. "Why, Hermione! What brings you by here?"
"Oh … I was just in the neighborhood," replied Hermione.
Harry appeared next to her. "Hi, honey," he said, kissing her, then, looking at Dudley, said, "Oh, I don't seem to have seen you there Dudley. How have you been?"
Dudley felt terrified looking into two pairs of glowing eyes, but when he tried to speak, he was even more terrified to find that he could not use his voice! Harry slammed him onto the ground, and Hermione straddled his chest. She said in a sultry voice, "Oh, I am SO going to enjoy this," and the room darkened as she said, "Anima tua a sanguine innocentium maculatur. Dolorem sui senti!" (Your soul is stained with the blood of the innocent. Feel their pain!) She got off of him, and when Harry took off the Silencing Charm, all Hades broke loose.
Dudley's unearthly screams of terror were so loud, they could be heard all across Surrey. Rowley, hearing the screams, said, "That's our signal boys!" Running forward, the four constables burst the front door down, and guns raised, said, "FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE! PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM!"
Vernon was faced with terror on two fronts – on the one hand, his son was screaming, on the other hand, police constables had broken down his door. He didn't know which to respond to first, but, fortunately, he raised his hands in surrender, asking, "May I ask what you're doing here, constable?"
Rowley had an evil grin on his face as he said, "Vernon Dursley, I have here a warrant for your arrest on a list of charges, including abuse of a minor, neglect of a minor, endangerment of a minor, and finally, ATTEMPTED MURDER OF A MINOR!" he thundered.
"And just who is this … minor?"
Harry stepped forward, eyes glowing. "Harry James Potter, scion and future Lord of the Potter family, son of the late Lord James Charles Potter and the late Lady Lily Evans Potter. I claim to be abused, neglected, treated worse than a slave at this hellhole you call a HOUSE!" he screamed. His voice then went ice-cold as he continued, "You and your horse-faced wife have put me through Hell, but now, I'm going to see that you end up there."
Vernon's face color went beyond red into several different shades of purple – how DARE this freak come here and accuse him! As he started to make one final charge, he didn't notice the two Bone-Breaker hexes that hit his kneecaps, shattering his limbs and taking all the fight out of him. A heart attack, brought on, no doubt, by all the fatty foods he ate and his constant high blood pressure, hit at the same time, and he was dead. Petunia also had a heart attack brought on from all the stress, and she died. Dudley also died from the constant mental pain he was suffering.
"Chief Constable, it looks to me like you're gonna need to take these people to the morgue division," quipped Harry.
Rowley nodded his head and asked, "What did Lady Hermione do?"
Hermione said, "I reached into Dudley's mind, found all the pain he had caused others, and twisted it back on him."
The constables shivered. Holmes reached into his pocket and pulled out a card. "Master Potter, if you ever need a Muggle detective on the case, here's my card."
"Thank you, Constable Holmes."
Tommy, looking at the Dursley's corpses, said, "May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest … oh, wait a minute, you fat walrus prick, you're going the wrong way!" He, Harry, and Hermione had a good cackle about his joke …
~DAHP~
Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley Dursley found themselves being led through a nightmarish landscape, filled with fire and the smell of brimstone. They got onto a boat being rowed by Charon, a skeletal being with eyes of fire. They looked at the gate, and read, "OMNEM, O VOS, QUI INTRATE, SPEM RELINQUITE!" At first, they did not know what it meant, until they saw it transform into English, "ALL HOPE ABANDON, YE WHO ENTER!" Understanding the words, they trembled in fear as they realized where they were.
They came before the terrible King Minos, who would judge where each soul would go within the circles of Hell. He sniffed and said, "Ah, here you are at last. We've been expecting you. Dudley Dursley, come forward!" Dudley came forward trembling, and Minos took a whiff. "Let's see … lust … all those porn magazines, you naughty, naughty, boy … gluttony … in all your years, you've gained the stature of a whale, impressive … anger … quite the temper … ah, now I know where you'll go … into the boiling bloody lake of Phlegethon you go … in VIOLENCE!" He impaled Dudley on his spinning wheel and sent him flying in that direction.
"Petunia Dursley … you, too, have anger issues, my, my … violent too, yes … but what's this? You've betrayed the trust of your sister Lily Evans Potter … she trusted you to take care of her son Harry, and you failed her … stabbed her in the back, you might say, just like Judas Iscariot … so, you'll be going into the icy lake with the TRAITORS!" He impaled Petunia on his wheel and sent her flying.
"Now, last of all, Vernon Dursley. I bet you're just like your son … well, not exactly … you were gluttonous … greedy … anger really seems to run in your family … oh, here's the clincher … you tried to murder young Harry, didn't you? Quite violent as a person, weren't you? That means into the lake of Phlegethon you'll go right after your son … in VIOLENCE!" Thus, Vernon went flying to follow Dudley.
The smile on King Minos's face had no warmth in it. "Sometimes, I really love this job that Our Father Below gave to me," he said with an evil cackle. "Today was just one of those days."
Let's face it, I'm a guy, and, true to the stereotype, I can be clueless at times. Shoot, when you think about it, Harry's a guy too. The stereotypical cluelessness he has as such would definitely explain how, in the original books, he was so attracted to Ginny Weasley (who looks like his mom – ew!), but at the same time, could ignore the hot piece of genius that is Hermione Jean Granger! There's hardly any comparison between the two! Sure, Bonnie Wright's Ginny Weasley is pretty in a little sister kind of way, but Emma Watson's Hermione Jean Granger gets an Oscar from me as one of the hottest … nerds … ever! And she gets Troll-Brain Weasley as a prize? Who wrote this script? What was Rowling's point with Ron/Hermione – that a total idiot can actually win the hot, brainy chick?
Imagine that Harry receives a note, and it says: "Dear Harry, The hot, smart girl is for your sidekick. Love, JKR. P.S., There is a really hot red-headed fangirl. You should totally go for her." Now, if I were Harry, I would say, "Who wrote this script? REWRITE!" Then I would grab Hermione the next chance I could and snog her senseless! (My fellow Americans, "snogging" is different than "shagging". "Snogging" is what we Americans would call "making out" – you know, heavy kissing … "Shagging" refers to intercourse.) And if she ended up hexing me to death, at least I'd die with a smile on my face! LOL!
So, yeah, there you have my opinions on a couple of the Weasleys. Ron's a Troll-Brain, Ginny's a red-headed fangirl, Percy's got a big wand up his butt (whether it's his own or somebody else's is a matter of debate … LOL), and Molly's just an overbearing conservative prude of a mother, not unlike many mothers in the United States. ("But Harry's too young, he's just a boy!" She actually said that about Harry – when he was about 15!)
The only Weasleys I do admire are Arthur, Fred, and George. (I like Bill and Charlie as well, but they don't show up a whole lot.) Arthur has a fascination with Muggles, and even though it's kept him from being promoted, at least he's happy with what he does. Not to mention it takes a great amount of courage to be able to put up with a woman like Molly. Fred and George are obviously the comic relief of the series (okay, besides Troll-Brain-Comedy-Relief-Endless-Stomach-Lazy-Butt-Snores-Like-A-Train Ronald Bilius Weasley.) I do have a little surprise in store concerning them ... a pleasant one …
Enough of my rambling. On with the story!
Chapter 7
"Hermione?" Harry thought.
"Yes, Harry?"
"I feel like I forgot something."
There were a few seconds of thought from Hermione. "It seems we did forget something – we forgot to call in the Goblins."
Harry smacked his forehead. "Oh, of course! How could I be so stupid? Now that Vernon's dead, Ragnok won't get his money!"
"Harry, that's not necessarily the case. There's also the insurance money his company must have given him, assuming he worked. What did he do for a job?"
"He was a manager for a drill company called Grunnings."
"Manager, eh? He must have a generous life insurance policy. Gringotts will go after that first. If there's more money needed, there can always be a sale of the Dursley's possessions, even of the house, if necessary. They're dead anyways, so they're not going to need them, are they?" she asked him sweetly.
"You sly little minx … how dare you take advantage of a person's misfortune like this?"
"Darling, anyone who dares to hurt you deserves all the misfortune they can get. Now, let's try to get some sleep … we'll call Gringotts in the morning."
~DAHP~
After breakfast, Harry grabbed the communication mirror. "Ragnok?"
Ragnok answered. "Good morning, Master Potter. How may I be of service?"
"Ragnok, I have some news concerning the Dursleys. They're dead."
"Really, Master Potter? That's quite the news … how did they die?"
"Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia died of heart attacks … as for Dudley, he died from an extreme dose of insanity. I'm wondering how you're going to get the Dursley's rent, but Hermione told me not to worry, you'll be going after any insurance money, then their possessions, and, if need be, the house."
"She's right about that. Vernon Dursley's sister, Marjorie Dursley, will be lucky if she sees any money come to her, given the size of Vernon's debt, which amounts to … £10,080 in Muggle currency, which in wizarding currency is … 2,016 Galleons."
Harry whistled. "That is quite the sizeable debt he has! Would his insurance cover all of it?"
"It will cover some, Master Potter, but not all of it … probably about £2,000 worth, or 400 Galleons. We may have to go after his bank account as well. If all of these options together don't cover the whole debt, we'll go after Marjorie Dursley to pay the rest of it."
"Well, you will have to clean up 4 Privet Drive really well if you're going to re-sell it, Lord Ragnok," said Dan. "Potential buyers won't like blood stains around the house, that's for sure."
"I agree with your statement, Mr. Granger. Either the house gets cleaned before the sale, or we tear it down and build a new one. What does Master Potter think?"
"It doesn't matter to me what you decide to do with 4 Privet Drive, Lord Ragnok, I don't care to keep it."
"I understand completely, Master Potter. Very well; we'll decide whether to clean up the house and re-sell it or to build a new one and sell that. Either way, I'm sure we'll get good money out of it."
Harry smiled, "Best of luck, Lord Ragnok."
"The same to you, Master Potter. Have a nice day."
~DAHP~
"Harry? Can we talk just a minute?" Dan asked.
"Sure, Dan, what about?"
"Well, Emma and I have been talking with each other, and we've decided that we want to be your guardians here in the Muggle world, at least until you claim your Lordship."
"Dan, you and Emma will always be a part of my family, because Hermione is now a part of my family. Even when I do take up my Lordship, I want you to still be with me."
"So, does that mean you say yes to our proposal?"
"Let me think a bit … OF COURSE!" Harry replied, barrelling into Dan in a hug, much to Dan's amusement.
"He said yes?" said Emma, coming into the room. Her answer was an affectionate hug from Harry. "Of course I said yes … how could I not say yes?"
"Harry," said Emma, "you know I can't possibly replace your mother."
"No one is asking you to replace her, Emma, just be the wonderful woman you have always been to me. As for Dan, no one's asking him to replace my dad either. I love you both and I couldn't think of any better substitute parents. You've already raised one wonderful child, so how much harder can two wonderful children be?"
Laughing, the quartet went up to the courthouse, where they easily took care of Harry's guardianship. After Harry managed a few sneaky charms on the documents after signing, he thought, "This ought to give Dumbledore a headache."
"Yeah, Harry," said a snickering Tommy, "this ought to throw him for a loop. I wonder why we haven't heard a peep from him?"
~DAHP~
Back at Hogwarts some time later, Albus Dumbledore came out of his coma with the mother of all headaches. Seeing Madam Pomfrey, the school's mediwitch, come to him, he asked her, "Poppy, how long was I out here in the Hospital Wing?"
"Headmaster, you've been in a coma here for the past two months."
"Two months? Oy, my head ..."
Handing Dumbledore a headache potion, Madam Pomfrey said in a stern voice, "You aren't going anywhere until you're better, Headmaster, do I make myself clear?"
"Poppy, I'm the Headmaster of this school, and I have business to run."
"Headmaster, you're in my Hospital Wing now, and here, I make the rules. I don't care if you're Merlin or even Jesus Christ of Nazareth, if you're in my Hospital Wing, you stay until I say you can go. Do I make myself clear or do I have to strap you to your bed with a Sticking Charm and duct tape?"
Dumbledore, a petulant pout on his face, said, "Fine, I'll stay."
Chapter 8
Albus Dumbledore was stuck in his school's Hospital Wing, and he was worried. What happened with Harry Potter? If he had stayed in the Hospital Wing as Madam Pomfrey had requested, he would have been there for only an additional week. However, Madam Pomfrey knew that he would not stay in bed, but would want to get out as soon as possible, even if he had to sneak out. Midway into the week, she found out that her guess was right. He had snuck out of bed, almost to the door, "home free," as the saying goes … but a well-aimed THWACK from a Beater's bat proved him wrong.
"THAT ought to keep you in bed, Headmaster," said Madam Pomfrey, swinging the bat around with a smirk on her face. "I can't wait to tell Minerva about this."
It turned out that between Dumbledore's numerous attempts to escape, and Madam Pomfrey's vigilance, it would be about three more months before Dumbledore was finally well enough to leave …
~DAHP~
Ever since his formal adoption by the Grangers, Harry found that his life was on a steady line of improvement. His magical levels were off the charts, but Tommy told him, "Harry, you and Hermione have to keep up your physical fitness. Believe me, even now, it will still help the two of you out." Dan was more than willing to help the physical training regimen, only to find that trying to keep up with Harry and Hermione's phenomenal running speed an exercise in futility. He called Constables Holmes and Watson over to judge their speed, only for Watson's radar gun to start smoking in his hand. "Did you see that, Holmes? I don't think my radar gun can handle it!" Holmes was trying to shake his hands cool after dropping his radar gun, also smoking. "There is no way we can catch them, Watson, even at our top speeds. I would bet you ten pounds that not even a racecar could keep up with them." Later, when they tested out Holmes's hypothesis, the engine of the racecar blew up from the strain, so an astonished and grumbling Watson had to pay Holmes the ten pound bet.
"How fast did we make it, Constable Holmes?" asked Harry.
"Evidently, you made it faster than the top speed of our racecar – 300 miles per hour."
Dan's mouth dropped wide open, much to Harry and Hermione's amusement.
~DAHP~
Even though Dumbledore was relieved to finally be out of the Hospital Wing without being attacked by Madam Pomfrey and her Beater's bat, his nerves were fraught with worry about one Harry Potter. Entering his office, he saw the damage which had been caused by the explosion that sent him into a coma about some five months previously. The remains of the instruments he used to keep an eye on Harry Potter and 4 Privet Drive were blasted beyond the hope of any repair, even the repair of his wand's best Reparo spell.
He saw a regal owl come in through his office window, with a letter and a delivery. He took the letter, read it, and his face blanched. The letter read:
"Dear Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore,
Due to certain revelations regarding your dealings with one Harry James Potter, scion of the Potter family, which include placing him with relatives who neglected and abused him, as well as confirming your thefts over the years from the holdings of his vault, Gringotts has seen it fit to reclaim all the money you have stolen from him, with interest, as well as institute a ban from Gringotts for the rest of your life on pain of death should you show your face at any Gringotts branch. If you are worried about your vault, its contents have been given over to Harry James Potter" – at that point, Dumbledore screamed – "in payment of the large debt you owe to him. Also, all properties you have purchased with his money and all properties you have stolen from him have been reclaimed" – Dumbledore literally fell out of his chair at this point, for it disappeared on him – "and your last gift from Gringotts, by request of Harry James Potter, is 30 silver Sickles. Have fun with it, you traitorous prick, and when you reach the freezing lake in Hell's deepest circle, we hope you freeze in it for all eternity.
Sincerely,
Lord Ragnok, Leader of the Goblin Nation
P.S.,
As far as your Top Secret security item is concerned, Gringotts has decided to at least keep it for now. If you want it, you may send someone to get it. Goodbye."
Even though he was relieved to hear that Gringotts would still be keeping his special item, Dumbledore still felt that things were still very, very bad for him. He popped a lemon drop into his mouth … hmm … it seemed spicier than usual … not to mention, what was that texture? Grass? Not quite … it was like that, only sweeter … then, he felt hungry … really hungry! "I must find some food … how come it is that I feel so light?" He belched out a small flame as he ran down to the kitchens. After stuffing himself with almost everything in sight (much to the consternation of the house elves), he came back to his office and sent Fawkes, his phoenix, out to find Harry, if that was possible. He waited for a few minutes … an hour … two hours … by the time the third hour rolled around, he screamed out in rage as he realized Fawkes had left him for good.
Meanwhile, the dungeons of Hogwarts were alive with the sound of a madman's hilarious laughter. The madman was one Severus Tobias Snape, and while most people thought of him as having no sense of humor, it was only a mere façade. With a little help from Pomona Sprout, the Herbology professor, he had made some interesting changes to Dumbledore's lemon drops. Now he only had to wait for Dumbledore to make his way to the cops …
Chapter 9
Marge Dursley, sister of the late Vernon Dursley, had gone through a rough week. Upon hearing of her brother's death, she was hopeful that she would get some of his insurance money, seeing that she was the last surviving relative of the family. Vernon had always been there for her.
Of course, there was that runt of a Potter boy, the little juvenile delinquent. Whenever she visited, she never ceased in her continual tirades about his lazy, good-for-nothing, drunk parents, who died one night in a car crash and left her brother with this ungrateful little orphan – at least, so was the story her brother told her. No way would she have taken care of him if he was left on her doorstep – nope, she would have sent him straight to an orphanage!
She never stopped to think that an orphanage would be a whole lot better than David Copperfield's lot in being beaten by his step-father Mr. Edward Murdstone, which in fact was quite similar to the boy's lot with Vernon. In fact, she approved of Vernon's rough handling of him. One of her dogs, Ripper, even joined in the act, chasing Harry around and trying to treat him like a new chew toy.
Soon after reading Vernon's obituary, she received a startling piece of news, courtesy of a bank letter informing her that her brother's insurance money had been taken to pay off his debt on the rent of the house he lived in. As for the sale of the house at 4 Privet Drive, it went well, but even the sale would not cover the entire debt. Therefore, the last option of resort was her. She would be required to cover the rest of the debt - £4,000. Her eyes goggled at the amount. She was not dirt poor by any means, and yet, she was not filthy rich either. She breathed a sigh of relief upon reading that the bank would be willing to negotiate a payment plan, in case she could not pay in full. That was good. After going to talk to the bank, she would then go to her dentist's appointment …
~DAHP~
The door to the Granger's dental practice opened, and Hermione, who decided to come in with Harry that day, looked up. "Good morning, ma'am. How may we be of service?"
Marge smiled … this little girl was so sweet! "Good morning. My name is Marjorie Dursley, and I'm here for a dental appointment with Dr. Granger."
Emma Granger chose that moment to walk through the door. "Ms. Dursley, it's so good of you to come in on time. Please come in."
"Thank you, Dr. Granger. By the way, you have the nicest, most polite girl I've ever met. What's your name, dear?"
"Hermione Granger, ma'am, and thank you."
"You are more than welcome, Hermione. You do not see politeness in children these days … why, my brother Vernon, bless his soul, before he died, had an ungrateful little runt who gave him all kinds of trouble …" she said as the both of them went towards the back. Emma, before going with her, gave a look to Hermione that said, "This is going to be a while. Turn around the sign so it says 'Closed' … we really aren't that busy now." She also had a look on her face that promised a lot of pain … forget the Hippocratic oath, this was a monster that had a hand in Harry's terrible treatment!
~DAHP~
"Ungrateful little runt, eh?" Hermione heard from Harry in her thoughts.
Tommy snorted. "Honestly, bless Vernon's soul? What's the big deal with using that expression? If anything, Vernon's soul is not being blessed, unless you count burning in a lake of boiling blood to be a blessing." He started to cackle. "Guess what, Harry? We're finally going to use some dental torture on this fat … cow."
"Tommy, why did you pause?"
"I was trying to think of a proper insult that wouldn't be the b-word, if you get my drift, Hermione."
"Thanks for thinking of my sensitive ears, Tommy, but I feel the 'b-word' is quite appropriate in this context. What are we going to do to her?"
"Get the Beethoven Symphony No. 9. We're going to provide the soundtrack to her torture …"
~DAHP~
Emma, after she was finished giving Marge a preliminary look, came into Dan's office feeling upset. To think of the things this woman did to Harry, described to her in detail! She was almost ready to strangle the woman, she was so mad!
"Is something the matter, honey?" asked Dan.
"It's that Dursley woman … you can't imagine how close I was to ending her, and the Dursleys, forever!"
Harry had a hurt look on his face. "Aw, Emma, you weren't going to ruin my chances of getting some fun by strangling her prematurely, were you?"
"Not in the least, Harry. Shall you tell us of your plan?"
"Of course … here's what we're going to do …"
~DAHP~
Dan came in to the room Marge was sitting in with a sweet smile on his face. "Good morning, Ms. Dursley. How are we feeling today?"
"I hope that my teeth are doing better than my troubles, Dr. Granger. It's been a rough week for me."
"Oh really?" Dan shone a light into Marge's mouth. "Hmm … your teeth could really use some work, Ms. Dursley. We should have it all straightened out within some time. By the way, I have a little surprise for you …"
"Hello, Aunt Marge," said Harry, stepping into the room. Upon seeing him, Marge made as if to get out of her seat, but found herself unable to as she stared at his glowing green eyes and upraised hand. "Aunt Marge, there's no need to get up. Stay! That's a good girl. I'd offer you a treat, but you're in the middle of a dental appointment."
Marge was quite furious. "You freak! What are you doing here?" Harry's eyes narrowed upon hearing "freak," and he responded with a fiery burst on her nerves, eliciting a loud scream.
"I don't see how that is any of your business, Aunt Marge. Hermione, will you come in here, please?"
Hermione came in with the CD player. "Harry, we're all set to go."
"You ready, Dan?"
"Just start the music."
Harry pushed "Play" on the CD player, and the music started to play. It was the glorious last movement of Beethoven's Symphony No. 9, starting from the B-flat Major 6/8 section with the label "Alla Marcia." To add to Marge's torment, Harry started to sing along with the tenor – not that he had a bad singing voice by any means:
"Froh, wie seine Sonnen fliegen
Durch des Himmels prächt'gen Plan,
Laufet, Brüder, eure Bahn,
Freudig, wie ein Held zum Siegen!"
(Glad, as his suns fly
Through Heaven's glorious design,
Run, brothers, your path,
Joyful, as a hero to victory!)
Both Harry and Hermione sung what they could of the rest of the Symphony, while during all this, Marge's screams filled the entire room. By the time the Symphony was over, she was dead.
~DAHP~
"Ah, here we are. Marge Dursley … the fat sister of the late Vernon Dursley." King Minos smiled as he took a whiff of her. "Yes, violence does seem to run in the family … what's this? You like dogs, do you? How would you like to go to the circle of Gluttony and become Cerberus's bitch?"
Marge, being the prim and proper lady she was raised as, had an instant hissy fit. "How dare you speak to me that way –"
"SILENCE! You're in Hell now, and we don't really care for censoring our language down here! OFF YOU GO!" He put her on his spinning wheel and sent her flying with a great, booming cackle. As she arrived down in the circle of Gluttony, Cerberus's first thought was, "Ooooh, somebody to play with!" From this point forth, not only was she Cerberus's bitch, she was also, from time to time, his favorite chew toy!
As far as Dumbledore's troubles are concerned, well, Snape's alteration of his lemon drops is going to have a major consequence, and one that he isn't going to like. I think I left plenty of hints about the substance added, and it's an illegal substance in the U.K. (without a license, so I've read), as well as in the United States. I think the whole "munchies" episode in Chapter 8 is a giveaway, and, yes, you have to feel sorry for those poor lemon drops.
Chapter 10
"Lord Ragnok?" Harry had his communication mirror in hand.
"Good morning, Master Potter. What news do you have for Gringotts today?"
"It's regarding Marge Dursley … she died just yesterday."
"And I take it you had a hand in it, Master Potter?"
Harry gave an uneasy laugh. "Yes."
"Under normal circumstances, Master Potter, we would not encourage killing off potential clients, but given your set of circumstances, we understand your desire for revenge. Don't worry, we'll find a way to make up the difference that her death has left. I think her house will gain a good sum as well as her dog farm."
Harry smiled. "That's great to hear, Lord Ragnok. I have another question …"
"Shoot."
"What's the deal with this bird on my shoulder?" Harry tilted the mirror around to show a red-and-black phoenix on his shoulder.
"That bird, Master Potter, was formerly Dumbledore's pet phoenix, Fawkes. It seems to me he's taken a liking to you. By the way, have you heard the news?"
"Lord Ragnok, what news is that?"
Ragnok and Griphook started to sing: "A-well, everybody's heard, about the bird …"
Fawkes, bobbing his head, joined in, "B-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word …"
Tommy joined in, "A-well-a bird, bird, bird, bird is a word …"
Hermione joined in, singing both vocally and mentally, "A-well-a bird, bird, bird, well, the bird is a word…"
Dan and Emma joined in the singing, as Harry contemplated whether to scream or to start bashing his head against a wall. It wasn't that he hated the song – he actually loved it – but he had the odd feeling that this could become a running gag. It would not be enough to become a running gag on "Family Guy," but he would have to suffer through it as well … or maybe not.
As far as Harry's musical taste was concerned, it was very liberal, including rap (Eminem was a favorite), rock-and-roll, heavy metal … you name it, there was something he liked about it. The only genres he did not go for were country … or Justin Bieber, for that matter. Among the many tracks he enjoyed were:
1. "Angel of Death" by Slayer
2. "Raining Blood" by Slayer
3. "War Ensemble" by Slayer (okay, it was very well established that Slayer was a favorite band).
4. "Inno A Satana" by Emperor (Tommy enjoyed it, saying, "Yeah, Harry, I'm the Emperor of Darkness, and you're my Darth Vader!")
5. "Nemesis" by Arch Enemy (this was a favorite of Hermione's).
6. "A Fine Day to Die" by Bathory
7. "Hit the Lights" by Metallica
~DAHP~
As far as Dumbledore was concerned, he was worried about Harry. Most likely, he was already out of 4 Privet Drive, so what would be the point of looking there? He thought for a while, and came upon the conclusion that the police department would be the best place to look. He grabbed a few lemon drops for himself, for even Merlin knew what trouble they might put him through, just so he could find the information he was seeking.
Apparating to area of Surrey, Dumbledore made his way to the courthouse, where Constables Holmes and Watson met him.
"Good morning, constables. How may I be of service?"
Watson looked at Holmes. "Are we sure this is him, Holmes?"
"I'm positive of it, Watson … Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, I presume?" Dumbledore nodded, and Holmes held up his identification along with Watson. "We are Class M-W Constables Holmes and Watson at your service, Headmaster. How may we help you?"
Dumbledore was surprised … why were these people being so cooperative? He shook it off his mind and said, "Yes, I happen to be looking for the location of one Harry Potter."
"Harry Potter, you say? Well, Watson, we can help out the dear Headmaster, am I right?"
"Oh, certainly, Holmes. Headmaster, just go right on in, we'll catch up with you." Making sure that Dumbledore was out of earshot, Watson said, "Holmes, are we sure about this?"
"I'm positive, Watson. If Master Potter is as smart as I have deduced, Dumbledore won't find a thing. I'll bet you one dinner with Master Potter to let him know of all this." The two then ran after Dumbledore.
~DAHP~
"Good morning," said the receptionist inside the courthouse, "how may we help you?"
"Constables Holmes and Watson, ma'am - we're escorting Albus Dumbledore here to the records department."
"Very good, Constable Holmes. Carry on."
"We're going this way, Headmaster." They led him to the records department, where they met another receptionist. "Good morning," she said. "How may we be of service?"
Holmes and Watson showed their identification. "We're escorting Albus Dumbledore into the records department … he's searching for one of his students."
"One of his students, you say? Are you a professor, by any chance?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Which student are you looking for?"
"I'm looking for Harry Potter, ma'am."
"Just a moment, sir. I'll go and get the records for you."
Again, Dumbledore noticed that everyone was being so cooperative … maybe this might be easier than he originally thought. Of course, when the documents came back, he found out just how wrong he was when he saw them … he couldn't even read them!
"Is there a problem, Albus?"
"No, Constable Holmes, not at all. Care for a lemon drop?" Holmes and Watson shook their heads in the negative, so Dumbledore popped one into his mouth, belched out a small flame, and scratched his head in some puzzlement. "This is odd, isn't it, Constable? I can't seem to read the documents here." The lemon drop started to kick in, and he started to feel calm ... not to mention he started to laugh.
"Are you okay, Albus?"
"I'm … perfectly … fine … Constable … Holmes …" Dumbledore said between fits of the giggles. "Is … it … me … or … do … you … feel … hungry?"
"May I have a lemon drop, Albus?" Dumbledore handed him one. "Watson, run this along your tongue and tell me what you taste."
Watson did so. "Holmes, this tastes like sweet grass. What is it?"
"I thought as much, Watson. It's marijuana. Cuff him." Turning to Dumbledore as Watson put the handcuffs on, Holmes announced, "Albus Dumbledore, you are under arrest for the possession of marijuana."
After they took him to jail, Watson said, "Well, Holmes, it seems there's one dinner Master Potter owes us."
Holmes smiled. "Indeed, Watson. All in a day's work."
1. Will Umbitch make an appearance? Yes, though I'm not sure exactly when.
2. As for Skeeter, yes to that too – after all, what's fame without an annoying, insatiable press agent? Be certain that her first article is going to contain something that will make Harry go postal on "The Daily Prophet." Going postal on a newspaper – that sounds funny (LOL). I'm going to make sure they get what's coming to them.
3. Dumbledore still has plenty of misery to go through – you wouldn't think I'd let him off the hook so soon, eh?
4. As for Snuffles/Padfoot/Sirius Black, I think we'll see what's going on with him quite soon.
To ladysavay, your criticism has been noted. Other people seem to enjoy the chapter the way it was written, am I right? To my readers, should I take out "Surfing Bird"? Just curious, as I feel that's what would be most "juvenile" about it, but that's just me … meh … you can't please them all, I guess, but c'est la vie! Keep the reviews coming along!
"Modulistic terror
A vast sadistic feast
The only way to exit
Is going piece by piece!" - Slayer
Chapter 11
Albus Dumbledore, Defeater of Grindelwald, Headmaster of Hogwarts, Supreme Mugwump of the International Wizard Confederation, and Head of the Wizengamot, was in a heaping pile of metaphorical dragon dung. Of all the things that could have happened to him, he had to be arrested on a charge of possessing drugs. Sure, it was marijuana – a Class B drug in British Muggle law, not as serious as a Class A drug – say, meth – but it still could be pretty bad. What if he couldn't pay the fine he would owe along with his jail sentence? The 30 silver Sickles would exchange to about a measly £8.82, and given the silver prices at the time, selling the silver would not get him any better monetary luck.
Fortunately, the court, in light of Dumbledore's poverty, provided his own lawyer and waived the fine, saying he could work for it instead during his jail time – which, with the constant citations of "contempt of court" (for not shutting up when the court told him to shut up), and "threatening a witness" (for yelling at Professor Snape all through his testimony) – ended up being a total of four years. What added more humiliation for him was learning that he had lost his positions in the ICW, the Wizengamot, and Hogwarts – though Hogwarts might be willing to give it back to him.
~DAHP~
"So, the Manipulative Old Prick Dumbledore has lost his jobs, and he's in jail for four years?" asked Harry. He had just finished a dinner in a restaurant with Hermione, the Grangers, Holmes, Watson, and an additional celebrant – Lord Ragnok. The seven people were sitting down, relaxing, and talking about business.
Holmes nodded. "The old bastard never knew when to shut his mouth. Professor Snape handled himself wonderfully in spite of all the verbal abuse Dumbledore was giving him."
"What can you tell us of Professor Snape, Constable Watson?"
"He went to school during the same time as your parents, Master Potter …"
"You know, Watson, you could just call me Harry. The same goes for Holmes as well."
"Thank you, Harry. Continue, Watson."
Watson cleared his throat. "Quite. Harry, this man, Professor Severus Snape was sorted into Slytherin. Your parents were Gryffindors. Traditionally, the relations between Gryffindor and Slytherin have been strained at best, and at the worst times, outright hostile. Your dad and his friends, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew didn't help the situation with their incessant pranks, most of them directed towards the House of Slytherin. Your mother, for some reason, was one of his friends, but that changed towards the end of their fifth year."
Holmes continued, "The reason why they were friends is the fact that they grew up near each other. The reasons for their split include several factors, and not just your father. There was also some incredulity that he could hang around with people like Lucius Malfoy, Mulciber, and Avery, among others. Eventually, they went their separate ways – your parents became part of Dumbledore's Order of the Phoenix, and Snape became part of the Death Eaters."
Harry nodded. "Where are these people now?"
"Snape now teaches Potions at Hogwarts. Both Malfoy and Avery have claimed that they were under the Imperius curse, while Mulciber is in Azkaban – the Wizarding prison."
Harry's eyes darkened, and smoke seemed to be pouring out of his ears as he heard Tommy scream in his mind, "THAT'S A LIE! I WOULD NEVER PUT MY FOLLOWERS UNDER THE IMPERIUS! NEVER, YOU HEAR ME? NEVER!"
"Tommy, shut it – you're giving us a headache."
Dan said, "Harry, are you allright?"
"I'm fine, Dan … Tommy was just angry about something. He told me he would never put his followers under the Imperius … which, for those of you that don't know, is a form of magical mind control, and it's very hard to resist, requiring great mental strength. It's one of three Unforgivable Curses."
"What are the other two?"
"The other two Unforgivables are the Cruciatus, also known as the Torture Curse – quite self-explanatory – and, the most terrible of all – the Killing Curse. If you see a streak of green magical light fly towards you, get out of the way immediately, because if it hits you, that's it. There's no known way to block it."
Dan nodded. "It seems to me that Malfoy's implying he did all the actions he did against his will, thus getting himself off scot-free and clean as a whistle."
"Yep. Also, the action taken to become a Death Eater has to be done under one's own free will. Any disobedience is met swiftly and harshly. Punishment would be either in the form of torture, or, if Voldemort was really mad, death."
There was a cold silence around the table at Harry's statement. Both Harry and Hermione could hear Tommy muttering something about "Malfoy's going to get it when we see him," or something along those lines. Lord Ragnok spoke up, "Harry, if I may call you that …"
"You may, Lord Ragnok."
"Thank you, Harry. We managed to find a copy of your parents' will in your vault. Looking it over, of course you receive all the Potter properties, business ownerships, et cetera. What may interest you is their statement about where you are to be housed should the unthinkable happen."
"Go on …"
"Harry, the will says under no circumstances whatsoever are you to be placed with the Dursleys. Instead, you are to be housed with your godfather Sirius Black or the Longbottom family. Unfortunately, the Longbottom parents are comatose. Their son, Neville, is living with his grandmother."
"What about Sirius Black?"
"He's in Azkaban, on the charge that he betrayed your parents."
"Was he tried?" Ragnok hesitated. "Was. He. Tried?" Harry repeated with emphasis.
"No, he was not."
Harry started trembling from the rage he was feeling. How DARE the Wizarding World ignore the rights of its people like this! Thanks to a firm hug from Hermione, he started calming down. When his anger had cooled to a manageable level, he asked, "Does the will say anything about the Secret-Keeper?"
"Fortunately, it does … it says that Peter Pettigrew is the Secret-Keeper."
"Well, that's another person to add to our hit list, Harry. We need to find that rat and kill him."
"Not quite, Tommy. We need to find the rat, question him, turn him over to the authorities, then we free Sirius."
"And THEN we kill the rat."
"Yes … what on earth is it with you and killing, Tommy?"
"Hermione, do you think I would have become the most feared wizard in the world if I acted all nice to people all the time? Harry and I are guys – we shoot first, ask questions later."
"Yes, and being guys, you two tend to think with your members, and not with your brains."
"HEY!"
~DAHP~
Out on the coast of the North Sea, a shaggy Scottish deerhound shook its fur dry as it thought to itself, "Now that I'm out, I might as well find some food … and Harry."
Chapter 12
As Harry and company got up from the table and were about to go out, a woman with frizzy blonde hair met them. "Harry Potter, may I introduce myself? My name is Rita Skeeter, and I write for The Daily Prophet. Would you care to give me an interview?"
"It's quite the pleasure to meet you, I'm sure, Miss Skeeter, but my answer is no. I just came here to have a nice dinner with family and friends, talk over business, and that's it."
"Are you sure about that?"
"Yes, I'm sure … that I'm not giving you an interview. Now, please leave me alone."
"What do you have to say about Dumbledore landing in jail for four years?"
Harry smiled. "What do you think this smile says? Now, get out of here before I lose my patience."
Dan stepped up between the two. "Miss Skeeter, I suggest you do what he says and do it quick. I know Harry and he doesn't mess around."
"Who are you, his bodyguard?"
"No, Miss Skeeter. I'm a dentist, which means I can fix your teeth after knocking them out should I have to do so. Considering that, which is it going to be?"
Rita wasn't very happy to give up without a fight, so she tried to get through Dan. In the scuffle that ensued, Dan managed to break her nose. Harry, using his magic, picked her up and tossed her out the window. She landed out in the street, injured but still alive, as Hermione repaired the window.
"Let's get out of here," he said.
~DAHP~
Three large figures in hooded black robes made their way towards Malfoy Manor. "Tommy, are we sure this is the placcce?" hissed one.
"I'm quite posssitive, Harry. These Nazzzgûl must have been natural Parssseltonguesss – do you hear all that hissssssing?"
"Tommy, the Nazzzgûl ssspoke the Black Ssspeech, not Parssseltongue," said Hermione. "That being sssaid, you do make an interesssting point – we're hissssssing whenever we make an 'sss' sssound."
Tommy nodded. "Let'sss go find Luccciusss."
Not making a sound, they entered the Manor and found Lucius asleep in bed. Tommy decided to scare him awake, and he started speaking in Parseltongue. "§Wake up, Luccciusss.§"
Lucius woke up with a sudden jerk, and his face blanched more upon seeing his visitors. He was so scared, he went into his family's native French. "Qui êtes-vous? Et comment êtes-vous entrés?" (Who are you? And how did you enter?)
"Uh, do either of you know French?" Tommy thought to Harry and Hermione.
"I do, Tommy. He asked who we are and how we entered."
"Uh, that's good, Hermione. Can you speak for us?"
"Sure." Hermione turned to Lucius. "Vous ne reconnaissssssez pas votre Maître?" (You don't recognize your Master?)
Lucius goggled, and remembered his English. "Milord?"
"Finally, he remembers his English." Tommy looked at Lucius and said, "Yesss, Luccciusss, it'sss me, Tom Riddle, or asss he wasss known to you, Lord Voldemort."
"Milord, what happened to you?"
"Harry Potter is what happened to me. He conquered me, Luccciusss, ssso your life belongsss to him now. I have though, another problem that angersss me very much: you sssee, Luccciusss, you claimed to be under the Imperiusss during your ssserviccce under me."
Harry reached out with his magical senses and lit one of Lucius's nerves on fire. The scream was quite satisfactory, and he ended the momentary torture.
"That is but a tassste of what you will experienccce should you dissspleassse me or Potter in any way, shape, or form, Luccciusss. In the meantime …" At this point, Harry drew his sword and touched the Dark Mark with it, sending a fiery burst of magic through it. Lucius watched as the Dark Mark – the image of a snake coming out of a skull – was replaced by the image of a fiery phoenix.
"You belong to me now," hissed Harry. "Do not dissspleassse me. We'll sssee you sssoon." They disappeared.
Lucius Malfoy woke yet again. Whew – it had only been a dream. When he drew up his sleeve, he found that it wasn't a dream, even though it seemed to be such, for the fiery phoenix was still there! How … weird …
Other Death Eaters woke up to find the same thing appearing on their arms, and they gulped in obvious fear as they recognized that they had a new master now…
~DAHP~
Now that the free Death Eaters were frightened into submission, Harry decided he could use the rest of these four years until Hogwarts to relax, spend time with his family, and keep training. One day on his morning run, he came upon a shaggy black mutt who wagged its tail like mad upon seeing him, and started barking for sheer joy. Harry smiled at it, whistled, and led it to a dog park, where it leapt upon him, knocking him down and kissing his face with such abandon, like it hadn't seen him in years.
Tommy, meanwhile, was somewhere between laughter and anger. "Harry, what is this mutt doing to us? Harry, is this mutt trying to kiss you to death? HARRY, ANSWER ME!"
"Aw, Harry, he's adorable!" Hermione came onto the scene, and she could not keep a wide grin off of her face. She whistled for the dog, who came over to her, tail still wagging. "Sit!" The dog sat. "Good boy! Have you lost your home?" The dog looked at Harry, and started to whine. "You poor dog!" Hermione said, hugging it. While she hugged it, it de-transfigured into a man with shaggy black hair, who returned the hug.
"It's been a long time since I've received a hug from anyone, miss," he said in a hoarse voice. "Thank you."
A surprised Hermione released the hug and looked at the man. Not only was his shaggy hair quite unkempt (even more so than Harry's, and THAT was saying something), but the look in his eyes spoke of six years of torture in a prison which was a literal Hell on Earth. Her face lighted up in some recognition as she said, "Sirius Black?"
"Yes, and you are …?"
"Hermione Potter, née Granger, future Lady of House Potter."
Sirius smiled. "Milady, it is my honor to meet you. Harry, you've picked yourself a winner here. How long have I been in Azkaban?"
Harry thought for a couple moments. "I'd estimate about six years, Sirius."
"I'm sorry about that, Harry. I should have taken care of you like the godfather your parents expected me to be, but that's all in the past … can you give me a place to stay with the two of you – assuming, of course, that Hermione's parents agree?"
Harry clapped a hand on Sirius's shoulder. "Sirius, you're family. Of course."
Over breakfast and tea, Sirius got to meet Dan and Emma, who loved him at once. Then he got to hear the entire story of what happened with Harry all these years. He felt saddened, troubled, and angry about Dumbledore's manipulations, as well as somewhat surprised about Tommy Riddle being Harry's friend, but he took it all in stride and accepted Harry's change of attitude, telling him, "Harry, I'll stand by you always, no matter where you lead." He also had a major laugh about Dumbledore's imprisonment, calling it "a prank worthy of a Marauder." The family decided to keep him as their pet dog, to be named "Padfoot," after his Animagus name.