Chapter 21
It was the night before Halloween when Ron Weasley came into the first-year boy's dorm. He was tired from another long day. He climbed into bed and looked up. What he saw froze him in terror for a few seconds … then, when his brain processed the sight, he started screaming.
The sight in question was nothing other than the corpse of his older brother, Percy Weasley. None of the other Gryffindors heard Ron's screaming, for they had posted Silencing charms around their beds to keep out his chainsaw snoring – but everyone else did. Harry and Hermione loved the sound. To Tommy and Ophelia Riddle, it sounded divine. Tommy also became inspired to write up yet another parody …
~DAHP~
Harry and Hermione woke up to hear a chorus of Slytherins singing:
"Heard it through the grapevine, Milord …
Do you see what I see? (Do you see what I see?)
Heard it through the grapevine, Milord …
Do you see what I see? (Do you see what I see?)
A head, a head, hanging in Ron's bed,
Of a Weasel ponce that is dead!
Of a Weasel ponce that is dead!
Sounding through the castle, Milord …
Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?)
Sounding through the castle, Milord …
Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?)
A scream, a scream, coming from Weasley,
And it sounds as sweet as a dream!
And it sounds as sweet as a dream!"
Harry applauded. "That was beautiful. Tommy, did you write it?"
"Yes, I did, Harry. I'm glad you like it. Now for another favorite song ..." With that, the choir struck up the song "Weasel Stomping Day" by Weird Al Yankovic, causing a riot of laughter as everyone caught the double meaning.
No, today would not be a good day for Ronald Weasley.
~DAHP~
For their Potions class, Professor Snape paired up Hermione with Ron. Neither one seemed pleased, and he took Harry aside to explain the situation to him, saying, "Milord, I know it may seem odd of me to put your Lady together with your enemy on this particular assignment, but I have a feeling that the Weasel is going to suffer, maybe even die, today, and I want a piece of him before he departs this world."
"You heard the choir in the dorm, didn't you?"
"Of course."
Harry thought for a brief moment that Hell was freezing over – Professor Snape was smiling?
"Professor Snape, are you sure this will work?"
"I'm positive this will work, Milord. Just wait."
Sure enough, Ron rose to snap Professor Snape's bait, as he glared at Hermione, and said, "Will you stop trying to help me? Nobody likes an ugly know-it-all, especially one that's a slimy snake like you!"
Hermione's eyes welled up with tears, and she ran out of the classroom crying. It was time for Professor Snape to step in. "MISTER WEASLEY! What is the meaning of causing one of your fellow students to leave MY classroom in a state of tears?"
"She was pestering me with all her advice."
"I would think, Mister Weasley, that you, of all people, would be grateful for her advice, considering how … abysmal … your Potions grade is so far. Perhaps there should be a new letter for such a grade … W for … Weasel?"
Everyone else laughed at this, and Ron's face turned red. "That know-it-all BITCH just doesn't know when to quit, that's why I got so annoyed!"
The gasps were audible as Professor Snape picked him up, anger glowing through his eyes. "Mister Weasley, for your information, there was once a brilliant girl, a Gryffindor, who was one of my closest friends at this school. People used to call her things like a know-it-all too ..."
"What does your personal history have to do with this?"
"My personal history, Mister Weasley, has made me into the person I am today. Do you know who that girl grew up to be one day, Mister Weasley?" Ron shook his head. "I thought as much … she grew up to be the mother of Harry Potter. Now, Mister Weasley, IF you manage to survive today, you will serve a weekend of detention with me, and trust me, I will make it your worst weekend yet. Mister Longbottom, open the door." Neville did so. "Now, Mister Weasley, I am giving you a giant zero for your day's grade, and I want you to GET OUT!" With that, he sent Ron flying out of the classroom. "Class dismissed."
"Seamus!"
"Yeah, Lord Potter?"
"Seamus, it's Harry to my friends … I have a note here for Weasley … can you get it to him?"
Seamus smiled. "Aye, that be no problem, Harry. Dean and I have to get him up to the Hospital Wing anyway … how long is he going to be unconscious this time?"
"I hope it won't be for long, Seamus. I have my own plans for him and his family."
~DAHP~
"Tommy, are we sure this is going to work?"
"I'm positive, Harry. Voldemort tried to kill you on Halloween ten years ago … it makes sense to me he wants to finish the job on the same night."
"How are you sure that it's going to be by a troll?"
"I have my ways. Besides, trolls are stupid, they don't ask questions … what better instrument to kill you and Hermione than one of the dumbest creatures there is … excluding Ron?"
"Quite. Hermione, are you okay in there?"
"Yes, dear, I'm fine. Is Ron on his way to the Hospital Wing?"
"He is, Hermione … you should have seen how Professor Snape sent him out of the classroom! Anyway, you're the bait to lure Ron and the troll into the same room ..."
"The girl's bathroom, Harry? That's such a humiliating place for a boy to die ..."
"Hermione, he's already lost his coglioni … what more has he left to lose? His dignity? By the way, Harry, what does your note to Ron say?"
"It says to follow the screams. Tommy, what happens if the troll doesn't show up?"
"In that event, we go with Plan B: Do it ourselves ..."
~DAHP~
That night in the Great Hall, Professor Quirrell came running. "TROLL IN THE DUNGEONS! TROLL IN THE DUNGEONS! I thought you ought to know ..." With that, he fainted.
Professor McGonagall said, "Students, may I have your attention, please! There is no need to panic – stay here while your professors look through the dungeons ..."
~DAHP~
Ron awoke to the sounds of screaming. Reading his note, he followed the screams to a bathroom, where he saw Hermione being cornered by a troll. Seeing him arrive, she smiled at him and disappeared. Then he heard the sound of a door closing behind him. The last thing to go through his head was the thought, "Oh, bugger ..."
Correction: that thought was the second-to-last thing to go through his head. The LAST thing to go through his head was the troll's giant club.
~DAHP~
"Well, I was curious how long you could survive," said King Minos, relieved to see Ron. He looked through Ron's file, and he burst out laughing upon seeing the cause of death. "Now, looking through your sins … lust … gluttony … greed … anger … alas, if only there was a section for stupidity, you'd be in it … looks like you'll be ending up in GLUTTONY!" The food and drink within the Circle of Gluttony looked delicious, but, as the saying goes, looks are deceiving. Its taste was many times worse than its appearance.
Chapter 22
Outside the bathroom stood Harry and Hermione. After the door closed, Harry heard a crunching sound and saw blood flowing under it. "All the times I've been trying to kill him, and a troll finishes the work?" he thought.
"Admit it, darling, you did have plenty of fun going psycho on him with Daddy's golf clubs."
That incident was after their Flying Lesson. Ron tried to knock Hermione off of her broom. Harry caught her as Neville knocked Ron off of his broom. He didn't fall very far, but the fall was big enough to break his wrist. Harry then walked over to him and beat him unconscious with a golf club.
"Oh, yeah, I remember that. Remember all the teasing we would give him about being a fatass?"
They both laughed at that. "You mean, beeping whenever he was moving, slapping parchments on his back that said, 'Wide Fatass Coming Through' ..."
"What about when Neville threw objects at him to see if he had his own gravitational field?" This brought on yet more laughter, then Harry sang: "All of Hogwarts was afraid ..."
Hermione joined in, singing, "Of Troll-Brain's stupid escapades ..."
"All those fatass jokes we made ..."
Both sang, "Those … were … the … days!"
CRASH! The bathroom door fell down to reveal one angry troll. Harry conjured a fire barrier to keep it some distance away. A yellow arrow of magic hit it, making Harry turn around. Before him stood Seamus Finnegan, Susan Bones, Ophelia Riddle, Tommy Riddle, and Neville Longbottom. Susan said, "Did somebody call for a troll extermination?"
Harry looked at Tommy. "It sounded like you were in trouble, meathead. What else did you expect me to do?"
"Harry, this redhead with us is Susan Bones of Hufflepuff. There will be enough time for chit-chat later. We have a troll to kill," said Ophelia.
Seamus shaped some of the fire into a bull, and sent it charging. Neville shaped some of it into a snake and struck. Susan and Ophelia hit it with several magical arrows. Together, they brought the troll crashing down.
~DAHP~
Meanwhile, at the Ministry of Magic, Lucius Malfoy came up to Arthur Weasley. "Arthur, here are Bill and Charlie. They tell me that Lord Potter invited them."
Arthur's eyes widened in some shock. "Lord Potter, you say, Lucius? What is going on?"
"He wants to have a meeting with you and what remains of your family, Arthur."
"Oh? And where is to be this … meeting?"
"It's to be at my manor." Lucius lifted the sleeve of his robe to reveal a phoenix on his arm. "As you can tell from this mark on my arm, I now serve Lord Potter. He gave me the strictest instructions that in spite of our families's … quarrel … that the Malfoys are to be … as civil as possible to you. Is your daughter Ginny with you?"
"Yes, she is. Ginny, meet Mr. Malfoy."
Lucius bent down to shake her hand. "A pleasure, Miss Ginny. Now that we have everyone, we shall be on our way."
"Before we go, Lucius, what about Molly?"
"I'm afraid, Arthur, that she won't be able to come. I'm sorry."
What Lucius said was the truth. At the moment that he apologized, Molly Weasley died in the burning wreckage of the Weasley home known as the Burrow. The Love Potions stashed in the kitchen added more heat to the fire.
~DAHP~
King Minos was in an ecstatic mood. "Molly Prewett Weasley, what a pleasure it is for me to meet the Living Howler herself. Hmm … let's see … I know where you'll go … GLUTTONY!"
Down in Gluttony, Molly joined Ron and Marge Dursley as chew toys for Cerberus … and more!
~DAHP~
"Is everyone here, Lucius?"
"Yes, Milord."
"Draco, can you take Ginny with you? I don't want her to hear some of the news I'm delivering."
"Harry, she'll hear about it one way or another."
"I realize that, but not this soon. Just keep her occupied, okay?"
"As you wish."
~DAHP~
Harry walked into the room, accompanied by Hermione, Neville, Tommy, and Ophelia.
"Good evening, Mr. Weasley."
Arthur shook his hand. "Lord Potter, it is an honor to meet you."
"Likewise, Mr. Weasley. Let me introduce you to my Lady, Hermione Potter, and my vassals, Tommy and Ophelia Riddle, as well as Neville Longbottom. I trust you have no objections to them being here?"
"None at all, Milord."
"I'm glad, because it would insult them if I asked them to leave. Now, I have some bad news and some good news. Which would you prefer?"
Arthur took a moment to think. "The bad news, Milord. The good news may make me feel better."
Harry smiled for a brief moment, then his face turned somber. "Very well. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but your wife and two of your sons are dead."
"Dead? You mean Percy and Ron are dead?" Harry nodded. "Molly's dead too?" Another nod. "How did they die?"
"Percy died of strangulation in the Prefect's bathroom – I hear balloons were involved. Ron died from the impact of a troll club to the head in a girl's bathroom. As for Molly – your house caught on fire and she died in it."
"My house? It's gone – all gone?"
"Your possessions are safe, thanks to some quick work from Lucius's house elf, Dobby. The house, I'm sad to say, is in ashes."
A short creature with floppy ears appeared. "Dobby could not save all of Mister Wheezy's possessions! Dobby watched with tears in his eyes as the house burned down! Dobby should punish himself, sir!"
"DOBBY, NO! There's no need to punish yourself … you've done a good job saving Mr. Weasley's possessions, do you hear me?"
"It's just a house, Dobby … it can be replaced," said Hermione.
Dobby smiled and bowed. "Lord and Lady Potter are too kind to Dobby."
"Carry on, Dobby." Dobby disappeared. "He's got some issues … from his former master, you see. Lucius gave him to me as a gift."
"Why did they die? Was there any reason?" said Arthur.
Harry explained to Arthur all the details he learned from Percy concerning the Weasley plot against him. When he finished, Arthur said, "Percy was right. I didn't know about this. Do I still have to answer about the marriage contract?"
"No, it's not necessary. My guess is that you thought she and I would be a good match."
"You're right … besides, what father would not want the best for his daughter?"
"It's moot anyway. Now, here's the good news: my vendetta against the Weasley family does not extend to any of you that remain. That being said, you will have to take Ginny to St. Mungo's to check for any mind control. If there are any such controls found, I want them removed so she can be her own self again. If you want to be my vassals, you have only to say it."
"Milord Potter, you have shown us much generosity. We accept your offer of vassalship. Just one more question: where am I going to live?"
Harry and Hermione smiled. "That is the icing on the cake, Mr. Weasley. We've heard about your love of all things Muggle, so Hermione's Muggle parents, the Grangers, have extended you an invitation to live with them … Mr. Weasley?"
Mr. Weasley's eyes were lifted up to the sky in a picture of enraptured bliss as the "Hallelujah" chorus played overhead. Tommy said, "I think you broke him, Harry."
Coming out of his rapture, Arthur hugged Hermione, saying, "Milady is too generous. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"
"You are more than welcome, Mr. Weasley."
"Milady, please … call me Arthur. Milord, what happened to Fred and George?"
"Fred and George have been adopted into my family as brothers, Arthur, so I'm sure you'll get a chance to see them when Christmas arrives."
"Thank you again … thank you a million times!"
"It was my pleasure, Arthur."
Chapter 23
Harry entered Professsor Snape's office, his face worn with fatigue as he rubbed his face. "Oy, Severus, what a long night I've had."
Professor Snape smiled. "Indeed. You defeated a troll, took the Troll-Brain out of the picture, and met with Mr. Weasley. All in a day's work."
"How did you know I was behind Troll-Brain's demise?"
Professor Snape rolled his eyes. "Please. It is more than evident given the hatred you have for him that you would be behind his death. Anyone who gets on your bad side seems to land in some … unfortunate … situations ..."
"Unfortunate? If anything, that's an understatement. Try … oh, I don't know, 'fatal.' "
"Quite so. How was your meeting?"
"He seemed shocked to hear about the deaths of Ron, Percy, and Molly. I wouldn't expect anything less from him."
"I wouldn't expect anything less either, Milord. So, did he take up your offer of vassalship?"
"Affirmative. The remains of House Weasley are in my pocket to stay."
~DAHP~
"Hail the conquering hero!" With that, Tommy struck up "The Stars and Stripes Forever" by John Philip Sousa as loud cheers greeted Harry in the Slytherin common room. The Twins came up to him with a glass of butterbeer.
"Harry, brother, it's great to see you –"
"– We're also ecstatic to hear about –"
"– Ron the annoying Troll-Brain dying at last –"
"– Correction, Fred, it's Ron the annoying FATASS Troll-Brain dying at last –"
"– We're all going to miss him and all the pranks we played on him –"
"– Though we must admit, Neville's a wonderful prankster –"
"– Indeed, Harry. Tommy was right –"
"Strong in the ways of the Force, he is!" they said together. Like Tommy and Harry, they were also fans of the "Star Wars" series. While they admired Darth Vader, they found Master Yoda's English syntax – Object Subject Verb – to be odd, yet fun. Not to mention it was funny.
"Thanks for the butterbeer, guys. Where's Hermione?"
His question received the answer of a bushy-haired missile impacting into him and kissing his face like she had not seen him in years. "Herm – Herm – Now, Hermione – will – you – stop – a – moment?" he said through her kisses.
She stopped kissing him and looked at him with an adorable frown. "Aren't you happy to see me, Harry?"
"Hermione, I'm always happy to see you, but I was having difficulty breathing, that's all." He kissed her. "Now, I'm happy to report that Severus still supports us. He guessed that we were behind Troll-Brain's death, but he understands our position." He looked around. "Hermione, what's with the party here, anyway?"
"It's to celebrate our victory against the troll, silly, and since you happen to be in Slytherin House, we agreed to have it here. All the heroes are here too: Seamus Finnegan and Susan Bones, besides us."
"Let's go have a talk with those two."
~DAHP~
In spite of the happy atmosphere, Susan Bones and Tommy were glaring at each other. "What seems to be the problem, Tommy?" said Harry.
"It seems that Miss Bones is suspicious of me," said Tommy.
"Oh? Tell me, why are you suspicious of Tommy, Miss Bones?"
Susan bristled and said, "Lord Potter, is this not the Dark Lord who wants your head?"
"She's smart as a whip, that one. How did she figure it out?"
"She must have figured out the anagram in your name, Tommy."
"We'll answer your question, Miss Bones, but not here. Let's go to my room."
"Smart she may be, but understand me she does not. Hereafter, understand me better she will."
~DAHP~
"In response to your question, Miss Bones, Tommy is not the Dark Lord, and he does not want my head."
"Didn't Lord Voldemort try to kill you about ten years ago?"
"Yes, he did, and he failed. When the Killing Curse rebounded on him, a piece of his soul attached itself to me."
"Besides that, there is little else known about the period between your conquering him and your arrival at Hogwarts. There have been legends and books written, of course … slaying dragons, rescuing damsels ..."
"All the great adventure stuff, I expect. Boys want to BE me, while girls want to be WITH me."
"Giggity, giggity, giggity, OH!"
Susan blushed. "Y-y-y-yeah."
"Well, I hate to disappoint you and the readers of these adventure stories, but the true story is worse."
"How much worse is it?"
"I grew up with my abusive Muggle relatives."
Her blush was replaced with anger. "WHAT?"
"Are you shocked by the fact they were Muggles?"
"No, I'm shocked by the fact that they were abusive. How could they get away with that?"
With that opening erected, Harry went into the story about his relatives, Dumbledore's manipulations, meeting (and falling in love with) Hermione … the entire story. Susan was a captive audience, enjoying every minute of it. Giving him a firm hug when it was finished, she said, "Harry, the Sorting Hat did not sort me into Hufflepuff for nothing. You have one more ally, and vassal, in me. I'm sure I will have my aunt coming in behind me."
Harry smiled. "Welcome to the Family, Susan Bones."
Chapter 24
Coming out of his meeting with Susan, Harry found Tommy in a state of glee. "Tommy, I've got some good news."
"So do I, Harry, but you go first. What is it?"
"Susan Bones joined the Family as a vassal. What's your news?"
"Oh, that's wonderful, Harry! My news is that Seamus Finnegan has joined the Family as well. I've always wanted a crazy Irishman in the Family."
"What's so great about having a crazy Irishman?"
Tommy's smile widened. "He knows how to make things go BOOM."
"Go BOOM? What this is, about explosions, we hear?" said the Twins.
"Met crazy Irishman Seamus Finnegan, you have not," said Tommy, still grinning. "Love explosions, he does."
The Twins matched his grin. "Meet him, we must. Thanks, Tommy."
"Anytime, boys." Tommy's eyes were lit in maniacal amusement. Harry, seeing this, was worried. Very worried …
~DAHP~
Professor Snape was lying down in bed, enjoying the sounds and music coming from the celebration. He heard a famous work and identified it as Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. His eyes widened when he realized this work involved – oh, bugger – CANNONS!
BOOM! An explosion shook the castle, knocking him out of bed. Then another explosion hit, right on cue. This could be the work of none other than those two mad geniuses, Potter & Potter. Sure, everybody was crazy – some more than others – but those two took it to their own level. The word "crazy" would have their picture right underneath the definition. He would have yelled out, "POTTER!" but who would have heard him through all this racket?
The words of Bob Marley came into his head: "Don't worry about a thing … 'cause every little thing's gonna be allright." Okay … he was going to kick back, light up a joint, and groove out to anything in his music collection he could find. Sure, electronics did not work in Hogwarts (the ancient wards fried any electronics), but the Twins managed to create a magical record player as well as a magical CD player, both of which he had. Like Harry, his music collection was liberal, although he had a particular love for such musical artists as The Doors, Bob Marley, Simon & Garfunkel, and The Rolling Stones – their tune "Paint It Black" helped him through the death of Lily – among many, many others.
There was a knock at the door. "Enter … why, Minerva, what a pleasure to see you here."
"Severus, have you seen what is going on out there in the Slytherin common room?"
He shook his head. "No, I haven't, but I bet Potter & Potter are behind it."
"Aye, that they are, and they have Finnegan with them. It's like the Marauders all over again, except this time, Slytherins are part of it."
"So we have two Slytherin mad geniuses, the Twin Terrors, plus a crazy Irishman. This could equal potential disaster."
"Aye, but let's not forget the addition of Tommy Riddle, Ophelia Riddle, Lord Potter and Lady Potter. The entire team could blow the castle seven ways to the Afterlife. Severus! Why are you smiling?"
"At least we would go out with a bang, Minerva."
"That's not the bloody point! How can you be so calm and relaxed at the potential situation we may be facing?"
"Listen to yourself, Minerva. 'Potential' and 'may be facing'? These are inconsequentials, words of no consequence whatsoever. We cannot concern ourselves with what MAY happen in the future. All that we can concern ourselves with is what IS happening in the present. Would you like a joint?"
"Oh, sure, why not? It's safe, right?"
"Of course it's safe. Pomona grows it herself in the greenhouses. The best part is that the Muggle police will never get their hands on it – ever. Their civilization may be more advanced than ours, but regarding marijuana, they are" – he searched for an appropriate expression – "stupider than the late Ron DEE DEE DEE Weasley."
"This is because they want to keep it illegal, right?"
"Quite. Perhaps it's because they're uncomfortable with the philosophical ramblings that come out of stoners, but it baffles me why it should stay illegal. I know racism played its part in making it illegal – those arguments should be moot by now."
"Old prejudices are hard to erase, Severus."
His lips curled into a sad smile. "It's sad to say, but that is the truth."
She took a puff. "Wow … Severus, is this how you stay so relaxed?"
"Music helps as well. Speaking of which ..." He brought out a couple cowbells.
"Severus … where did you get cowbells from?"
"I stole them from a couple cows, where else did you think I got them from?"
This was too much, and they broke out laughing.
"You can't be serious!"
"Minerva, that's Lord Potter's … dogfather ..." More laughter.
"You … mean … godfather ..."
"No, Minerva … his … muttfather … father … mutt ..."
Minerva snorted and laughed some more. She was having too much fun with this. As Professor Snape calmed down for a brief moment, he said, "Minerva, what was I saying?"
"Somehow, Severus, we started off with cowbells ..."
He grinned. "Yes … quite. There's a famous skit on a TV show – "Saturday Night Live" – involving the band known as Blue Öyster Cult and their song, 'Don't Fear the Reaper.' While they're trying to record it, the recording artist keeps coming back asking for more cowbell."
"That sounds like a funny skit."
He brought out a couple drumsticks and passed on to her. "Oh, it is, I assure you. Even I think there isn't enough cowbell in the original recording, so I like to play along with the cowbell."
When he cranked up "Don't Fear the Reaper," Professor Snape was shocked to hear cowbells playing along out in the Slytherin common room. Considering that he and Minerva were stoned, the combination of the outside cowbells and their pathetic attempts to keep time were quite the oddity. It did not matter a bit, because the night was still fun for the both of them.
Chapter 25
The next morning found Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall (in her tabby cat Animagus form) lying down on the floor. As odd as Professor Snape found this position, he thought that the tabby cat's purring was soothing to his ears. Soothing like his Sweet Leaf Maryjane. Mary Jane Watson. Was it just a coincidence that Peter Parker's girlfriend had the same name as one of the nicknames for marijuana? Probably … although Kirsten Dunst was HOT in that role in the "Spider-Man" trilogy. Just because his father may have been a magic-hating Muggle didn't mean that Severus was one to discard ALL Muggle culture. His music collection was all Muggle, for Merlin's sake.
Little did Severus know that there was a prank awaiting him and Minerva at the entrance to his room. She got up from her comfortable bed on his chest, stretched, smiled at him and walked out. The next moment, there was a feline screech that echoed through the dungeons and she rushed back inside and perched on top of his head, yowling all the way.
At least two people were behind this prank, thought Severus as he felt the water dripping off of this yowling cat. The problem was, they had the same surname, which was none other than …
"POTTER!"
Fred grinned. "You see, our dear little brother, nobody says it quite like he does."
George matched him grin for grin. "Aye, little Harry, it is music to my ears."
Harry shook his head in amusement. "You two are in so much trouble."
"Looks like we care, does it?" they said.
~DAHP~
When Professor Snape appeared in the Slytherin common room still wearing his new – ahem – accessory, there was a split second of stunned silence, followed by an outburst of laughter.
"So, Professor Snape, are you enjoying your new hat?" said Harry, trying to hide his amusement and failing.
Professor Snape smiled. "Of course I'm enjoying it, Milord. It's so soft and furry … and I hope that there's not going to be rain today."
Tommy stepped forward. "Maybe we can do something about that, just in case."
"What do you have in mind, Mister Riddle?"
"Hmm … let me think … aha, I've got it! Hold still … the both of you!" With that, Tommy conjured up an umbrella, which was not as small as the umbrella in a martini, and yet not as big as a parasol or a beach umbrella. The color scheme was red and gold on the top with the image of a cat, while on the bottom was green and silver with the image of a bat.
Perching it in Severus's hair, it proved to be the right size for protecting the cat from the rain. "Thank you, Mister Riddle. Ten points to Slytherin. Milord Potter, would you come with me?"
As Harry left with Professor Snape, Lee Jordan, a third-year Slytherin from Jamaica, turned to Tommy. "Tommy, mon, mi seen many funny tings in de world, but mi hab to admit, brodah: dat was one of de funniest tings mi evah seen. Now, bredren, somebody pass de ganja, aright?"
~DAHP~
"So, Professor Snape, you wanted to speak to me?"
"Yes, Lord Potter. Minerva and I got you a present for today's Quidditch game: a Nimbus 2001 broomstick."
Harry's face broke into a smile. "Severus, you're spoiling me."
"No, I believe not. As annoying as your father was to me, he was still an excellent Quidditch player. I have no doubt that you've inherited his talent."
Harry's smile grew into a wide grin. Too wide to be normal. "That's … just … grooooooovy … Professor …"
Of all the crazy things to happen this morning, thought Professor Snape, now this? Lord Harry Potter was stoned? How could this happen? The answer came to him when he heard Tommy singing the song "Sweet Leaf" by Black Sabbath.
Hermione burst into the room. "Professor Snape … sorry about barging in like this. Is Harry okay?"
"He'll be allright in a few hours, Milady. The problem is that we have a Quidditch match coming up against Gryffindor today. An additional problem is that I don't know how well he can play in that state."
"Let me talk to him." She walked up to Harry and sat on his lap. "Harry? Harry, do you know who I am?"
Harry stared at her like he had never seen someone so beautiful, and then he started petting her hair. "You're … Hermione … you're … purty … hair … so … soft ..."
Hermione's mind purred in reaction to Harry's affectionate petting, and it took all her self-control not to jump on Harry then and there. "Harry, as much as I'm enjoying this, you have a Quidditch game to play. How would you like a flying Hershey's chocolate bar?"
Harry's eyes were alight in excitement. "Chocolate, you say? Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah!"
"GO GET IT!" In Harry's mind, she could hear Tommy humming the "Notre Dame" fight song as Harry ran out of Professor Snape's office.
Professor Snape stared at her like she was a genius. "Milady, can you tell me why you're not stoned, like Harry and Tommy?"
"When I noticed they were starting to be stoned, I put up my Occlumency barriers, Severus," she said. "I'm sure he'll do fine."
~DAHP~
"Welcome, i-dren, to de first Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Slyderin!"
Of all the people to give Quidditch commentary, did it have to be Lee Jordan? Regardless of whether or not he was stoned, his Rasta-influenced patois was hard at times to understand.
"Is fi mi pleasure to give de commentary fa dis match, an mi naa jesta. Now, put fi ya hands togedah fa … Harry ... Pottah!"
It was odd that even the Gryffindors were cheering for Harry, although this courtesy did not extend to the other Slytherin players.
Marcus Flint, the Slytherin Quidditch captain, turned to Harry. "Harry, are you sure you'll be allright for the game?"
"I'm sure, Marcus. Hermione sent me to search for a flying Hershey's chocolate bar."
Marcus's face broke into a grin as he ruffled Harry's hair. "That's one way of looking at it, Harry. You go find that flying Hershey's chocolate bar … just don't eat it, please."
Some time later, as Harry was flying after the Snitch (the little golden ball with wings), his broomstick started lurching every which way. Hermione saw that Professor Quirrell was the source, and, with the help of Neville and Seamus, she lit a firework underneath the unfortunate professor, sending him flying out of the stadium. Finding him sprawled on the ground, she knocked him out cold, saying, "I will kill you and send your remains to Hell if you try to kill Harry ever again, do you understand me, you son of a bitch?"
As for Harry, he caught the Snitch in his mouth and required a Heimlich from Marcus to get it out. Oliver Wood, the Gryffindor Quidditch captain, was upset about this, but there was nothing in the rule book against it – Slytherin had achieved a crushing victory against Gryffindor.
Chapter 26
Tommy's eyes were flaming in anger upon hearing about Quirrell's attempted murder of Harry. "He tried to murder Harry by tossing him off his broom? Where in blazes was I?"
Hermione gave an apologetic look at Tommy. "Tommy, you were stoned out of your mind."
Lee put up his hands in surrender. "Is naa fi mi fault, mon. Tommy grab de ganja fram out fi mi han, an as it turns out, him hab a connection wid Harry, so Harry stone as well. Is a crazy world wi be living in." (It's not my fault, man. Tommy grabbed the ganja out from my hand, and as it turns out, he has a connection with Harry, so Harry's stoned as well. It's a crazy world we're living in.)
Harry looked at Lee in surprise. "Lee, how could you tell that Tommy and I have a connection?"
"Is easy fi tell, Harry. Tommy can tell wa yu be tinking a lot a de time. Does naa tek a rocket scientist fi figure it out. Naa worry bout a ting, Harry – mi know Jah be on fi yu side, an mi be on Jah's side – derefore, mi be on fi yu side. Mi naa care fa de prejudice a dis Babylon dat de Ministry a Magic is. Everybody de same in fi Him eyes. As fa Professah Quirrell, him a go a Bloodfire soon, mi sure a dat." (It's easy to tell, Harry. Tommy can tell what you're thinking a lot of the time. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. Don't worry about a thing, Harry – I know God is on your side, and I'm on God's side – therefore, I'm on your side. I don't care for the prejudice of this corrupt system that the Ministry of Magic is. Everybody is the same in His eyes. As for Professor Quirrell, he will go to Hell soon, I'm sure of that.)
Hermione smiled. "Thanks for you support, Lee."
~DAHP~
One day, Harry, Hermione, Tommy and Ophelia were walking around a castle when a staircase took them in an unfamiliar direction. Going through the door in front of them brought them into a dark corridor.
"It seems quiet here ..." said Harry. "Too quiet, in fact ..."
"Does anybody get the feeling that we are not supposed to be here?" said Ophelia.
"Aunt Ophelia is right," said Hermione. "This is the forbidden third floor corridor."
"I have to wonder why it is forbidden?" said Tommy. "Harry, any ideas?"
"No, I don't have any ideas … except to guess that it's behind that door there."
Tommy walked forward to examine it. "It's locked. Alohomora." The lock shifted. "Wow. A simple locking mechanism: what idiot came up with that brilliant idea?"
"Is that a rhetorical question, Tommy?"
Tommy rolled his eyes. "Of course it's a rhetorical question, meathead. We both know the Manipulative Old Prick was behind this."
Ophelia held him back. "Tommy, what if it's a trap?"
"What, do you think he'd put a nuke behind the door and rig it to blow up on whomever comes through it?"
"While we have never known the old man to be sane, that was not what I was thinking. Just be careful, okay?"
"Of course I'll be careful." He walked through the door … then, with an obscene yell in Harry's head, came running back out a few moments later, his face blanched of all color – as if he had seen a ghost. In spite of his trembling, he managed to shut the door as Hermione locked it again. "D-d-d-d-d-d-d-don't g-g-g-g-g-g-go in th-th-th-th-there," he said.
"I have never seen Tommy so scared before," said Harry, "but anything which can scare him cannot be good. Let's get out of here."
~DAHP~
When the next day rolled around, Harry, Hermione, Tommy and Ophelia decided to go out to Hagrid's hut on the grounds. Hagrid was ecstatic to welcome them, giving each one of them a tight hug.
"Harry, I'm glad to see you! How come you and your friends haven't come out to visit me in all this time?"
"I've been busy with classes, Hagrid. Also, Tommy's a little nervous about meeting you."
"He's nervous, you say?" He looked at Tommy. "Well, seeing your face brings back a lot of memories, Tommy, and I can't say all of them were good." Tommy hung his head. "That being said, Tommy, I like to let the past stay in the past where it belongs as far as I'm concerned. What happened between us in the past has affected who I've become, to be sure, but I don't let it put any limits on me, do you understand what I'm trying to say?"
"I think I do, and for the wrong I did to you, Hagrid, I am sorry."
"Your apology is accepted, Tommy, though good was able to come out of it all the same." He turned to Ophelia. "Why, Ophelia, as I live and breathe, it's good to see you again."
"It's good to see you too, Hagrid."
"It broke my heart to hear of what happened to you in your third year, going insane and all of that. What happened to the culprits?"
"Tommy avenged me by sending them insane as well. They ended up in St. Mungo's beyond all hope of recovery."
"Those bitches deserved it for what they did to you, Ophelia," said Tommy under his breath.
Hagrid gave him a sad smile. "It turns out it goes a long way towards explaining how you went over to the Dark Side, Tommy. And we all thought you were evil just because you went into Slytherin."
"To be honest, I didn't have the proper upbringing to become a good person, Hagrid … in fact, Harry didn't have the proper upbringing either."
Hagrid's face darkened. "What do you mean? Harry, what kind of upbringing did you have?"
"To be blunt, Hagrid, the Dursleys treated me worse than a house elf. Any chores that needed to be done, who did them? I did. Who was the one beaten when things went wrong? I was. Who slept in a tiny little cupboard under the stairs? I did. Whom did Vernon Dursley almost beat to death in a fit of fury? HE BEAT ME!"
"Harry … when I placed you there with them … I didn't know ..."
"It's not your fault, Hagrid. That Manipulative Old Prick Dumblescheiss did not want you to know a thing. He wanted me weak, malleable, and ready to die at a moment's notice in the service of his so-called 'Greater Good' … he did not care about me in the least. He threw my godfather into Azkaban so he could have a clear shot at placing me with the Dursleys."
"He threw an undeserving man into Azkaban? That place is Hell on Earth!"
"He also stole from my vault, paying the Dursleys for my 'care' ..." the air quotes were more than plain in Harry's tone, "which they used on themselves, those greedy pigs ..."
"Are the Dursleys still alive?"
"No, they're dead. You would have liked to rip them limb from limb, am I right?"
"Aye, Harry. So, where did you go to live after their demise?"
"I went to live with Hermione and her parents."
Hagrid smiled at her. "Lady Potter, so I hear … and Professor Snape tells me you're quite the brilliant little witch ..."
Hermione blushed a bright pink. "He is too kind, Hagrid ..."
"Naw, he isn't, and you're just being modest. To tell you the truth, it's rare for him to praise anyone, so for anyone to earn his praise … that's quite the treat to cherish, aye?" The quartet nodded. "By the way, I believe that you and Ophelia are related?"
"Yes, Hagrid, she's my great aunt."
Tommy smiled. "That's right, Hagrid, and I'm her great uncle. I'm an uncle, and I'm great."
"Uncle Tommy … aye, that does have a nice ring to it."
"Here's an idea for an autobiography … MY LIFE WITH UNCLE TOMMY."
"Yeah, Harry, or how about, MY LIFE WITH HARRY IN HIS CRAMPED CUPBOARD OF CRAP?"
This set Hagrid, Hermione and Ophelia laughing as the two wizards went on a mini-duel, which, a couple of minutes later, they had to declare a draw.
Hermione turned to Hagrid, and said, "Well, Hagrid, what is a nine foot Rottweiler with three heads doing in the castle?"
"How do you know about Fluffy?"
Tommy and Harry burst into laughter. "FLUFFY?"
"Laugh it up all you like, lads, but he's there to guard something, and it's none of your business what it is, do you understand?"
They tried to compose their faces as they said, "Yes, Hagrid."
Leaving the hut, Tommy said, "I hope Hagrid stays away from the alcohol … otherwise, we're going to be in deep shit." SMACK! "OW!"
~DAHP~
For the quartet, Christmas vacation could not come too soon. About a week before it started, Harry was putting together the guest list for his place, which was quite extensive: the Weasleys, Neville, Fred and George, Seamus, Susan, her aunt Madam Amelia Bones, Lee, Holmes and Watson …
"Harry, mon, mi naa be sure bout visiting if yu gwine fi hab de po-lice dere." (Harry, man, I'm not sure about visiting if you're going to have the police there.)
"Lee, Holmes says don't worry. Potter Manor is on magical land. My land, my rules. On the other hand, if you're that concerned about getting busted, don't bring the marijuana with you. Have you smoked tobacco?"
Lee's eyes lit up. "Ya, mon, is relaxing too, especially when is in a pipe." (Yeah, man, it's relaxing too, especially when it's in a pipe.)
"That's excellent to hear, Lee, because you're in good company. Holmes also smokes a pipe."
"Dat be cool, Harry. Mi gwine fi come." (That's cool, Harry. I'm going to come.)
~DAHP~
At the London residence of 221B Baker Street, Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were relaxing and smoking their pipes when Fawkes flamed in.
"Why, hullo, Fawkes, my good fellow! How is Harry doing?"
Fawkes gave a merry trill and stuck out his leg. Holmes took the paper attached, and read:
"Dear Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson,
I am happy to report that my first semester at Hogwarts has gone well. If it is no trouble, I would like to extend the two of you an invitation to my Manor for the Christmas holidays. I will send someone to pick you and your belongings up if you accept. In the meantime, I would like to wish you a Merry Christmas.
Sincerely,
Lord Harry James Potter."
"Well, Doctor, it's good to know the young man is kind enough to involve us in his life, even after he starts attending Hogwarts. Have you any plans for the holidays?"
"No, Holmes, I don't have any plans in particular ..."
"Splendid, Watson! In that case, we'll be spending the holidays at Potter Manor. Just let me write up a response ..." Bounding over to his desk, he scribbled on a fresh piece of paper and he gave it to Fawkes. "Give Harry our warmest greetings." Fawkes trilled and flamed out. "Come, Watson … we will have to pack our suitcases … note to self: must visit tobacconist's for two weeks of tobacco ..."
"It's almost inconceivable that any place in the United Kingdom would not have a tobacconist's, Holmes. Are we sure we need to visit the one here?"
"You may be right, Watson, but I don't like to take any chances. It's best to be prepared in case his town does not have a tobacconist's."
"And what if I'm right in my guess, Holmes?"
"If you are right, Watson, that his town has a tobacconist's, then we'll have all the more tobacco to try out – a good thing for the both of us."
"Of course it would be a good thing for the both of us. We both know you smoke like a chimney."
Holmes put his hand over his heart. "My, my, my … Doctor, you wound me."
~DAHP~
Fawkes came into the Slytherin common room, carrying Holmes's response. Harry read it:
"Dear Harry,
It would give me and the Doctor the greatest pleasure to accept your invitation to come out to your Manor for the holidays.
Sincerely,
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson
221B Baker Street, London."
Chapter 27
A glowing figure came down from Heaven to land in Hell. Wailing demons gave Him a wide berth as He passed by them to enter an office down in the Ninth Circle.
Lucifer looked up from his work. "Well, well, well, if it isn't my ancient nemesis, the Nazarene. What brings you into MY domain now? Did you come here to gloat?"
"Far from it. Does THIS look like a face of a gloating person?"
"No, not at all … in fact, Your face looks angry to me. It must be bad news to have You storming all the way down here through Hell like this."
"Oh, it is bad, I assure you. Are you aware that one of your prisoners has escaped?"
Lucifer slammed his fist on the table. "OF COURSE I'M AWARE! WHAT BAFFLES ME IS THE QUESTION OF HOW THAT HIJO DE PUTA ALBUS TOO MANY NAMES DUMBLEDORE GOT THE HELL OUT OF HERE! IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT –"
"Heaven has denied him entrance, Lucifer – even you should know that."
"That's good for him. I would not want to go tramping through Heaven just to drag him back here. Since it is obvious he is back on Earth, why should I be interested, considering that I am infamous for my love of disorder?"
"When Lord Harry Potter makes it down to the Afterlife, should it be by Dumbledore's hand or Voldemort's, I'm going to put him in charge of Hell if you refuse to budge."
This threat got Lucifer's attention. "Lord Harry Potter, You say? The badass kid who has been responsible for sending down the most recent arrivals of Hell?"
"The very same."
"You … wouldn't … dare!"
"Would you care to wager on that?"
"No way! The last time I wagered anything against You, I ended up humiliated at the end of it! It's not fun at all, trying to wager against a Being who knows all there is to know."
"So what's your answer? Will you get him back?"
"Por la Santa Virgen, Jesucristo, you drive a hard bargain … of course I'll help! I have one question, though: how did Voldemort pull it off? He doesn't lay claim to the Resurrection Stone, after all, Harry does."
"That's true. It seems that Voldemort had some help from your realm, Lucifer."
"I was afraid you would say it was one of my infernal subordinates. Which one?"
"His name is Belial."
"Well, this is fantastic. Of all the possible cock-a-roach troublemakers out there from the realm of Hell, it just has to be one of my kids. Dumbledore is possessed, I take it?"
"Yes."
"As powerful as Harry is, he's going to need all the help he can get. Will both Heaven and Hell be helping him?"
"Heaven is just as interested in the outcome of this as Hell is, so the answer is yes."
Lucifer made a facepalm. "I knew there was something about this that I wouldn't like."
~DAHP~
DING DONG!
Harry opened the door. The bearded stranger he saw on the other side was dressed in a simple brown robe. "A Merry Christmas to you, Milord. Can you spare some food for a poor, homeless beggar like myself?"
"A Merry Christmas to you as well, stranger, and yes, I can spare you some food and more." He looked at the stranger's feet. "Your feet must be freezing! Please come into the Manor; I won't have some beggar getting frostbite on my doorstep."
"You are too kind, Milord, but I don't want to impose on your hospitality ..."
Harry waved him off. "Nonsense! The more, the merrier! I insist that you come inside!"
The beggar smiled as he entered the Manor and followed Harry into the living room. "Thank you, Milord, and God bless your kindness to a poor one such as I."
"Dobby! We're going to have another guest!"
"Yet another guest, Master Harry?" Dobby came out and caught a brief glimpse of the beggar's true identity. Eyes widening, he bowed to him and said, "Dobby will be more than happy to get you some food, sir." He then sped back into the kitchen.
The beggar's eyes twinkled in mirth. "You must be among the kindest of masters to have such a loyal house elf."
Hermione entered the living room. "Harry, what is this I hear about another guest?"
"I found him on our doorstep, Hermione. Did you expect me to leave him out there to freeze?"
"Not at all, dear, not at all. Welcome to our Manor, sir."
Dobby entered, carrying a plate of pita bread and hummus. "This is too little an offering for someone of your station, sir."
The beggar reached out and put his hand on Dobby's head. "No, Dobby – even a glass of water offered to a prophet will merit a prophet's reward. Thank you for this gift." Turning to Harry, he asked, "You don't mind if I say the blessing over this, right, Milord?"
"Go ahead."
The beggar started to chant a prayer: "ברוך אתה יהוה אלהינו מלך העולם (Baruch ata Adonai Eloheinu Melech Ha -Olam – Blessed art Thou, O Lord Our God, King of the Universe)." Breaking the bread, he dipped it in the hummus and finished the prayer: "המוציא לחם מן הארץ (ha-motzi lechem min ha-Aretz – Who bringest forth bread from the Earth)." A few minutes later, he finished the bread, wiped his lips with the napkin provided, and sat back in his seat. "Oh, yeah, that takes me back."
Harry started to get the feeling that there was something – special – about this beggar. "Just – how far back does it take you, if I may be so curious?"
"Oh, it was a long, long time ago by your years – before either of you were ever born, in fact." Noticing Harry's surprised expression, the beggar chuckled. "What's the matter, Harry James Potter? Have I struck you speechless?"
Harry smiled. "Only for a brief moment, but with all due honor and respect to Your Majesty, You don't look a day over 33."
Indeed, Harry's guess of the beggar's identity was correct, and Jesus smiled. "Well guessed, Harry, well guessed. Thomas sounds scared of Me, though."
Ophelia came in dragging a whimpering Tommy. "Your Majesty is not kidding. Tommy's been whimpering ever since You walked in here."
"Please … have mercy … I'm too young to die ..."
Jesus held up His hands in a soothing gesture. "Fear not, Thomas. I did not come here to condemn you for the sins you have committed when you were part of Voldemort … I came to save you FROM the sins you have committed, that is, if you are willing to be separated from them."
"So … many … sins ..."
"If I forgave St. Peter, who denied Me three times, and St. Paul, who threw My servants in jail before I got a hold of him, what makes you think that I cannot forgive you, O you of little faith?"
"You can … forgive me?"
"I can … and I will, but only if you are willing." Jesus's clothes transformed from his brown beggar's robe to the white alb of a Catholic priest with a purple stole which lay on both sides of his chest and wrapped around His neck. "Will you make your Confession, Thomas, My Son?"
"Yes." Harry and the others exited, leaving Tommy alone with Jesus.
Jesus started with the Sign of the Cross. "In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. May you confess your sins with a loving faith and trust. Amen."
"Amen. Forgive me, my Lord, for I have sinned ..."
~DAHP~
By the time that Tommy was done listing the mortal sins he had done in his past life as a part of Voldemort, he had tears in his eyes. "... for these and all my other sins I am sorry."
"Well done, Thomas. I know that it was very hard for you to open up to Me, but you have done well. Since you know the Hail Mary prayer, I will assign you one Rosary of fifteen decades as an act of penance. Can you pray a sincere Act of Contrition?"
"My Lord, I pray that I may be able to do so. O my God … I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good, I have sinned against You whom I should love above all things. I firmly intend … with Your help and Your grace … to do penance … to sin no more … and to avoid whatever would lead me to sin. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, suffered and died for us … in His name, my God … have mercy … Amen ..."
"God the Father of mercies, through the death and the Resurrection of His Son, has reconciled the world to Himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins … Through the ministry of the Church, may God grant you pardon and peace … and I absolve you from your sins … in the Name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit … Amen."
Tommy fell into the Lord's arms and started to cry like a baby, such was the weight that his Confession had taken off of him …
~DAHP~
When Tommy and Jesus entered the dining room, Harry could not help noticing the glowing light around his face. "Tommy … I take it Confession went well?"
"Oh, Harry … I feel like St. Augustine after his conversion by St. Ambrose of Milan … you could say I am … what's the phrase? Ah, yes … 'born again.' "
"Well, Harry, now that Thomas is purified, I can give My gift to you for Christmas."
"If I may be so curious, Lord, what is it?"
Jesus opened His hand, and within was a shining blue flame. "This, Harry, is called Seraphic Fire. I'm certain you've heard of Fiendfyre, am I right?"
Harry nodded. "Fiendfyre is deadly and difficult to control."
"Correct, Harry. Seraphic Fire is the exact opposite of Fiendfyre. The difficulty of control can vary depending on how pure your heart is – those who are pure of heart have the easiest time controlling it. The only things to whom it is deadly are Dark Creatures. At the very least, they will find its touch to be torturous. The incantation is πυραγιον."
Harry felt a consuming warmth enter him as Jesus touched his forehead. "Thank you, Lord, for this wonderful gift. Merry Christmas."
Jesus smiled. "Merry Christmas to you, your family, and your guests. May the blessings of Almighty God – the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit – remain with you, and lo, I will be with you always, even until the consummation of the age ..."
With that, Jesus faded out of Harry's sight. Harry was not aware of it, but Jesus also gave the same gift of Seraphic Fire to his friends as well.