I was sitting on my couch, looking at Jay, who was seated in the recliner, and at Church, who was now standing and wiping his nose on his arm. Patti was sniffing me and pulling her head back suddenly with each wiggle of her nose. I gave myself a good whiff, and yeah, I smelled like microwaved boiled eggs. It was awful. Wait, how the hell am I smelling?
"Jay, how the hell am I smelling? I'm a skeleton. Actually, how am I seeing? And feeling pain? Or, you know, any sensation?"
Jay was looking at Church, studying him, when her tentacles fluttered out. She looked at me. "Your physical appearance has changed, yes, but you still experience normal reactions that are typical for your species. The manual says it's for you to gain full life experience during Maze Twenty, but who knows if that's the truth." As Jay finished talking, Patti was too excited and couldn't take it any longer, and ran up to the cephalopod woman. Jay leaned to pet Patti, and she leaned into it. That brought me to my next question.
"Okay, what the hell are you?"
Jay kept her eyes on Patti and said, "Like, my race?"
"No, are you physically real? You look like a projection, but you can touch? Yet when you puked earlier, there was nothing on the ground. What are you?"
"I'm a recorded consciousness with situational physicality except for when it might have an effect on participation in Maze Twenty. I can't harm any players or monsters, and my vomit, as weird as it might be, could cause you to slip and fall. I can not directly alter the game with anything physical."
"So, since there are no monsters around and stuff, does that mean I can touch you?"
Jay's tentacles went stiff at the question, and her hands froze on Patti's ears. "Excuse me?"
"I want to see if you're real!" I stood up towards her with an arm reaching out. Before I got any closer, Church let out a yell. Jay, Patti, and I all turned to stare at the young man who went silent under our gaze. I finally really looked him up and down. His hair was to his shoulders and unkempt. His shirt said Helen Kelter Skelter on it, which I knew was a local band. He had some random, cheap tattoos and dirty, ragged jeans on. I knew his type instantly. He was an Oklahoma hippie. They were like your typical hippies, but just a bit more country. I was pretty sure he lived on my street, but I didn't go around talking to my neighbors. Well, just to Joey, but he's dead now. He took a gulp, and I gave a slight nod at him to encourage him to speak.
Church nodded and finally spoke, "Sorry… for yelling."
I tried to give my best smile, but stopped to remember that I'm a skeleton. I can't smile. "It's okay, bud. Can you tell us who you are or anything at all?"
"My name", he paused briefly as he looked around. "Sorry, my name is Church. I'm a cook at Hudsons and…" He trailed off as if about to cry. "I'm sorry, but why are you a skeleton?"
Jay and I shared a glance before I said, "Do you know what's happening at all, Church?" He shook his head no to the question. I gestured for him to come sit on the couch next to me. He did so, reluctantly it seemed, and he sat as far to the side away from me as possible. I looked at Jay and held my hands up in a questioning manner and said, "Do you want to catch him up, or should I?"
Before Jay could answer, Church yelled, "Who are you talking to?!" I looked back at him, and he hunched inward at my stare. "Sorry."
I kept my eye sockets on him and pointed towards Jay. Patti took this as a cue to run back to her. "I'm talking to that octopus woman over there. She also might be a vampire, but we haven't figured that out yet." I turned to look at Jay, who was giving me a halfhearted smile back.
"He can't see me, Max. Only you can," she said.
"Holy shit, really?" I said. I looked back at Church, who looked even more scared. I must look extra crazy to him, I thought. A skeleton talking to an empty chair? Yeah, that was wild. Then it hit me suddenly, and I asked, "Dude, do you not have a game manual?" He just stared at me, even more bewildered. I slid over on the couch, and he tried to slide away from me, but he was already as far over as he could get. I grabbed his hands and flipped them over. They were smooth and only skin. He did not have a token. "Where's your token?"
"My… my what?"
"Your token, dude! It looks like this!" I held my hand out, and embedded in my bone was my yellow token. Church leaned forward and took a look at it. He even hesitantly touched the metal coin.
"Is that like a Chuck E Cheese coin?" he asked.
"Is it a… what? No, man. It's your game token! What were you doing these past few hours?"
Church finally exploded. "I was fucking asleep, dude! I was coming down from some shit and crashed hard, and I woke up to being zapped with a blue light, okay? Then I looked outside and there was a... a giant-headed woman in the sky or something, and she looked like she was from some horror movie where they can't stop smiling. I tried to use my phone, and it didn't work. I tried to drive my car, and it didn't work. My mom is at work, and I got scared by my cat, and I think I passed out. I woke up eventually, and now my cat was missing. So I went outside, followed this white wall, and eventually the white wall turned a weird color, and it became night, and then I saw a god damn red ray of light coming out from the clouds, and I ran to your door before passing out again. I then wake up to your dog barking, and you come in smelling like an expired gas station hot dog, and you're talking to an empty chair. So no, I don't know what a fucking game manual is, okay?" He finished spilling out his words and breathed hard for a bit. He started eyeing the pack of smokes on my table, and I reached over to pull one out. I handed it to him, and he took it after a second. Before I could grab my lighter, he had lit it himself with his own that he produced from his pocket. He took a drag and exhaled before finally saying, "Man… am I dead or like, tripping?"
I laughed, which I think scared him a bit more, before I replied, "No, man, unfortunately, we're alive and sober."
I spent the next few minutes catching Church up on everything. That some aliens had arrived to induct us into their cool kid club, but first we had to reduce our population. We all had a token at the start, and that's how to access a game manual, which was really just a recording of a person's consciousness, and mine was named Jay, who was a former participant in the maze who made it to the end. Then I told him how we used the token to flip for things like race and class, which is how I ended up as Jack fucking Skellington. Finally, I explained that because he had missed all of this, he was automatically given the class of Sleeper Agent as a punishment. He asked what that was, and I explained it to him. He started to cry when I did. Patti went up and lay her head on his lap. He flinched at first before he rubbed her head.
Church finally calmed himself down before looking at me, all red-eyed and puffy. "I don't want to fucking die."
"You're not going to die, Church," I said.
He continued with panic in his voice, "You just said when a monster appears, I will become unconscious! My fucking cat spooked me, and it made me pass out! I'm going to die and I won't even know it." We both just sat there for a bit while he sniffled.
I looked at Jay and asked, "Does he gain experience and stuff? Like, can he level up?"
She looked surprised at me for a moment. "Well, yeah, he can, but he needs access to his token to do anything when he levels up. Otherwise, he can't. Max, eventually, all the Sleeper Agents get eaten, though. Or their neck is chomped. Or they're stomped. It's usually a stomp according to my screen, which is surprising."
I motioned for Jay to quiet down for a moment, and Church turned and asked me, "What'd your vampire lady say?"
Jay reeled back at that. "Tell him I'm not a vampire!"
I kept looking at Church. "She said you can level up, but we need your token. We're going to get you that token, but first, I need to talk to Jay about my class. Just hang tight. If you need some food or something, make yourself at home." I turned back to Jay. "Okay, explain my class, please."
Jay sat upright, and I could tell she was reading over her screen about my class. She finally started talking. "Okay, first off, let me explain something. The people who run this only release some information to me, and practically none to you. My information will expand in time as you level up more, and I can explain more when that happens." Church stood up and walked to the kitchen, and opened my fridge. Patti followed him, and he seemed to be enjoying her company now. "Skinrunner is a reforging class. This means you will change appearance, skills, and traits when you transform into an absorbed class. You know how to absorb a class now as well. All you have to do is just eat a small bit of whatever you're trying to copy." She tilted her head slightly forward and repeated, "A small bit. You can store up to three classes at once, and to learn any more, you'll have to forget them using your own screen. These classes follow your personal level, so as you level up, they do as well, and when you level up, you get to choose new skills and where to spend your stat points for your base form, which you are in now, but your absorbed classes are automatically leveled up alongside your base and any spells, abilities or skills are randomly chosen. Does that make sense? Any questions?"
I was leaning forward on my knees and nodding along. I hadn't even realized I was being so attentive. "How do I switch my classes?"
"You're going to need an ignitor to change classes." I reached into my pocket and pulled out my lighter and waved it. "No, it's not a literal firestarter. It's any magical object that you designate as your ignitor. It says you will think about the class you want to change into, you then use your ignitor and change instantaneously."
Church came back from the kitchen and returned to his seat on the couch. He had a glass of orange juice and some deli meat that must have been hidden in my fridge. He still looked very depressed and scared, but at least he wasn't crying or yelling any longer. He ate a slice and then held a slice out for Patti, who sat at attention for him before being tossed the meat. Church turned to me and asked, "Are you still talking with her?" I gave him a shushing motion and returned my attention to Jay.
"Okay," I said, "how do I find a magical item to use as an ignitor?"
"There will be tons of magical items generated inside the maze now, but there's a catch. It can't be associated with a school of magic or a religion or a class or anything. It needs to be a pure magic item. That's what it will be labeled as when you inspect it. Magic items are also the only items that appear in your Vicinity tool on your game screen. Did you loot that angel zombie? You might have gotten one off that." Jay's tentacle scratched her cheek as she finished.
That's right, I forgot I looted it! I checked my screen and saw the flashing INVENTORY button, and I clicked on it. It showed I had a couple of rotten health potions, an Unholy Bible, and a note. I clicked on the rotten health potion, and it appeared levitating in front of me. Church and Patti both stared wide-eyed at that. Text was floating in the air above the item that read: Rotten Health Potion, -1 HP per second. Next to that text was an X, and I pressed it, and the potion disappeared back into my inventory. I then did the same with the Unholy Bible, and this time it said: Unholy Bible, Religious. It looked like a regular, stock bible that you'd find in the back of a pew.
"Uh, no good?" I asked.
"It is a magical item, but it's tied to the Angel Zombie class, so it can only be used for that when you're transformed into one."
I pressed the X, and the Unholy Bible disappeared. I then clicked on the note, and it floated in front of me. It reeked of a young girl's perfume who used way too much. It had no text above the item, but I was able to read it aloud while it was in the air.
Dear Maximillian,
I haven't forgiven you yet, but I will in time. A girl just needs her space. I wanted to apologize for slapping you; it wasn't right. I wish I could say more, but they're watching me pretty closely. Why did I have to find you here, on this planet? If you look to the sky, I will hear you. I always hear you ha ha ha.
Love, Jessica
P.S. Fuck Communism
With the last word read, the paper went up in flames. I scooted back suddenly, scared of the flames, and so did Church and Patti. Jay just sat there and let out a little puff of tentacles and whistled. "That bitch is crazy," she said.
We all sat in silence for a moment before Church finally said, "What was that last bit about communism?" I sat and just stared ahead, absorbing what I had just read. Does she actually always hear me, I wondered? After that thought came a startling realization. I stood up and hurried back to my dad's bedroom. I almost slipped on some angel zombie blood as I passed by my entranceway before I stopped at the bedroom door. I opened it slowly to reveal a well-kept room. The bed was neatly made and tucked in, everything was turned off, and there was a stagnant smell in the air. I switched on the light, and it just looked so lifeless. I slowly entered and walked around the bed to his bedside table, and on the corner stood a framed photo of us at my high school graduation. Next to the photo was a polished, silver Zippo with the floating text above that said: Fuck Communism, Pure. The motto was etched on the front of the lighter. I picked it up and quickly went to exit the room. I slowed at the door for a moment and looked around one more time before switching the lights off.
I went back to the living room to see everyone still seated. I walked up to Jay and held the lighter in front of her face. She looked at it for a moment before she held it herself to examine. Her tentacles made a little clapping motion before she said, "This is a bit too literal of an item to use, but yeah, this will work for your class ignitor."