I've stared at this map of Fair City in my house for a while now. I've decided the best locations to start gathering evidence is places Adventurers would be drawn too. Based on my D&D days, I've circled inns near Adventurer Guilds, weapon shops, magic shops, and the fair. I definitely can imagine Adventurers doing stupid shit at a fair.
I'm going to start with an inn near both the Fair and a few Adventurers Guilds. The Fools' Inn. It's a lively place. Inside I hear some great piano being played. The people seem merry in this place.
It's two stories tall, and painted dark green, with a golden trim. It has a wrap around porch on the second floor where people are drinking and making small talk. The first floor has a porch as well, also filled with drinking people.
I move past them, and head inside. It has a brown floor, and it's filled to the brim with tough, eccentric people. They're covered in more wild and magical gear than the most broken D&D campaigns ever run. The main topic in the air is people's quests and how they went. A bragging fest all around.
"I slew a giant last week. It was easy. Just used my spell Fuck-Off Laser. Cut a hole straight through his heart. He bled out in an hour."
"Oh yeah? Well I fought a rogue Soldier of Gilgamesh, and kicked his ass."
"Bullshit. You couldn't even kill a fly."
"Oh yeah? Wanna go!?"
Pride is thick in here, and people seem ready to fight at any moment. I suppose in a world like this, power and appearing strong matters a lot.
Sounds like a chore.
I notice some Guards of the city sitting in a corner. People seem to be avoiding them. They seem quite drunk. And loud. But they speak of something interesting. They don't perk just my ears. It's a common hobby to eavesdrop on police radios after all. Police gossip, or in this case, Guard gossip, is still quite entertaining.
To maintain appearances, I go to the counter. It's a circular bar in the center with a crazy array of wildly colored alcohols. Some of them have sparkles, rainbows, or even images of chibi characters inside. The bartenders wear blue vests covered in white sparkles and black pants.
"Hey, how'd they get those images in the alcohol?" I ask curiously.
"A wizard did it." the bartender says calmly.
"Ah, makes sense. Let me get something tasty. Your choice, I'm new to this weird stuff." I say calmly.
The bartender smiles and starts making some wild shit. It looks good at least. It's in a tall wine glass. It starts as a basic dark blue liquid, then he takes a block of glowing ice.
"Is that radioactive?" I ask concernedly.
The bartender stares at me confusedly.
"Da fuck is a radioactive?" he asks.
"It means it's dangerous." I say quickly.
"Sir, it's just some shiny ice." Bartender 1 says amusedly.
I sigh and shake my head with a strained smile on my face.
"Sure, go for it." I say hesitantly.
He begins scraping ice off into the drink. As it goes in, the liquid becomes much prettier. Like stars almost. Then the bartender pours in some red liquid that coalesces in the center. And another yellow liquid pours in. Just a bit, and it quickly surrounds the red. It almost looks like a galaxy now. The bartender hands it to me with a smile.
"The Colorful Void special. Recipe created by the Astronomers' Guild." Bartender 1 says happily.
"Cool, thanks. How much do I owe ya?" I ask calmly.
"1 gold piece." Bartender 1 says quickly.
I hand him a gold coin, and turn. I take a seat near the guards I saw earlier, at another table. I take a sip of my drink and-oh damn. It's like a lot of blueberry mixed with strawberry, and some banana. I dig this drink.
"Man, that fucking Bard. I literally see him give that shit out at the Fair all the time." Guard 1 says angrily.
"It's fucked up. I can't stand seeing people suddenly high out their mind, talking to animals. It's irritating as shit. Like why do you care how the elephant's day is? It's a fucking elephant. Move on already." Guard 2 says angrily.
"I can't believe it isn't illegal to do this either. I swear those Adventurers have the Judge wrapped around their fingers." Guard 3 says angrily.
"And we even have proof it's dangerous! We had people trying to steal the animals! All because the animals are sad apparently." Guard 2 says angrily.
I hear a fist smack against the table.
"Oh boo hoo. I'm stuck in a cagggeee." Guard 2 badly imitates some sad, whining animal. "Shut the fuck up, stupid elephant. I don't care if you're sad, keep going in circles. And quit making me have to go there and tell people to stay away from you." he rants angrily.
"We have to make it a law that drugs like this are illegal. It brings down the city. Makes us look like we're degenerates. Even the Kingdom of Gilgamesh has laws against drugs." Guard 1 says angrily.
"Doesn't their drug laws just have to do with sports and not using sports enhancing drugs though?" Guard 3 says calmly.
"Shut the fuck up, I still have a point. At least they have some kind of drug control." Guard 1 says angrily.
"Yeah, shut up Jim." Guard 2 says angrily.
"Man, I was just-whatever, fuck y'all on this." Guard 3 says annoyedly.
Silence returns to this pocket of the bar for a few minutes. However, it isn't long until they talk more.
"I can't believe they're also smothering our investigations into them. Or any adventurers for that manner. It's like they're above us. It's ridiculous." Guard 1 says angrily.
"We have to do something about it." Guard 3 says with angry determination.
Hmmm. Maybe this is where I step in. I pray to Libra to illegalize drugs.
"Don't you think the judge has enough going on with divorces? If you illegalize drugs, the country will be overrun with your idea of a criminal." Libra asks nervously.
What does that mean Libra? Drugs were illegal in my world. They ruin lives.
"Could you at least be specific on what you're illegalizing? You don't even know what drugs this world has." Libra says nervously.
I sigh and shake my head. She has a point. But I still feel strongly about this.
"What if we compromise and I let you decide the drugs that get illegalized?" I ask annoyedly in my mind.
I see an image of Libra smile and nod. And then a few minutes later, I hear a loud roar of happiness, followed by a cry of despair.
"Oh Libra, why!? We already have to deal with divorce! How am I supposed to deal with all this as well? I don't even know what half of these drugs are!? Da fuck is marijuana!?" the Judge yells with great despair.
I didn't expect marijuana to be on this world. Ah well, it's whatever. All I do is drink on occasion. I'm a man that's satisfied with his work.
A group of guards suddenly rush into the bar.
"Drugs are illegal bitches! Everyone's getting searched!" the leader yells happily.
The room is silent for a moment. Then some people start literally disappearing from sight. A slight aura surrounds some before they teleport away, I assume. Others drink potions. And the bartender starts yelling.
"What bullshit is this? Since when was getting high illegal? I swear this country is going to shit."
The leader of the guards approaches the bartender, and points a hand crossbow at him.
"It is going to shit, and it's cause of people like you. What kind of ingredients do you use in those drinks?" he asks with smug anger.
Ah, it appears I was a bit short-sighted.
"No shit. You've ruined the fun for everyone now." Libra says annoyedly.
"You agreed with me! Why are you mad!?" I ask angrily in my mind.
"I just knew the people wouldn't handle it well." Libra says bitterly.
"I've got the good shit. What about it?" the bartender says angrily.
"You're under arrest for selling illegal substances such as marijuana infused drinks, star powder, devil's liquor, and hallucinogens." the leader says with firm anger.
The bartender crosses his arms and laughs.
"I am a brave warrior of the God of Good Times, Dionysus. If you dare get in the way of parties all over this country, we shall go to war." he says confidently.
Oh shit…I need to leave. I look around for a bathroom or something. I spot a kitchen door nearby. I get on the ground and start crawling on my hands and knees to it.
The leader of the guards presses his hand crossbow against the bartender's chest. The guards draw closer. And some patrons begin forming a circle around the guards.
"You guys really wanna die for those drugs? Huh, you fucking addicts!?" the Guard Leader yells angrily.
"I'll die any day for a blunt, rock, or crockpot of ecstasy!" Bar Patron 1 yells angrily.
"This is why you need to go to jail! When will you stop doing drugs and feed your child Jim!?" Guard 1 yells angrily.
"Man, fuck little Timmy! He's got a job! He can pay the rent!" Bar Patron 1 yells angrily.
Damn, now I need to invent child labor laws. I've reached the kitchen doors. I'm heading inside. As I do, I hear a twang of a crossbow. Then all hell breaks loose. I don't stick around for it, I see another door in the back. I rush through it and it opens up to the city streets. I run towards my home. As I do, I see guards all over arresting people left and right. Breaking into homes with thick logs as battering rams. And now I need to invent laws that restrict this kind of shit.
"Wanna do it right now?" Libra says amusedly.
I sigh, and that attracts the attention of some guards. They run at me, yelling angrily.
"Hands up! Drop the drugs!" Guard 1 yells angrily.
I raise my hands up with a pale face.
"Please, I'm an innocent man!" I say fearfully.
Guard 1 smacks me upside the head with the butt of his sword. It hurts like hell. I stumble back and fall to the ground on my side. As I try to steady myself, Guard 1 points his sword at my throat.
"We are going to search you now." he says angrily.
…
"Libra, please for the love of everything you control. Make laws against this kind of shit." I think fearfully.
"Hmmm. I need a bit more than that." Libra teases.
Oh my fucking God. I'm picked up by Guard 2 by the shoulder, and thrown into a nearby wall. He begins rubbing his hands all over me, and shoving his hands in my pockets.
"How about some laws about reasonable cause before doing stuff like searches, breaking into people's homes, and standards for arresting people?" I think fearfully.
I see Libra stroking her chin in deep, mocking thought. It makes me angry. And my anger shows on my face, causing Guard 1 to smack me across the face.
"Hey! Show some respect! Be calm or else! Bitch!" Guard 1 says with smug firmness.
I restrain myself from sighing and focus on staring blankly ahead as they continue searching me.
"Do you need me to set fucking punishments? Like 3 years for violating any of this, I don't care. Just make it illegal." I think angrily.
Libra laughs amusedly.
"You want to leave it up to me again? Okay." Libra says like a trickster.
I tense up. Seconds pass. Suddenly Guard 1 grabs me by the collar.
"I felt some mana leave you! What did you do?" he yells angrily.
I hear cries of horror. And an angry Judge screaming.
"Damn right these laws should exist! You fucks are grabbing random fucks off the street at the first chance you get! The local prisons can't handle this many people! I'm gonna have to ship half of them to another town!"
A Guard comes running up to us.
"Get off of him! There's new laws and he's that fucking bastard who invented divorce! The Judge loves him, there's no way he'd let you get away with harassing him!"
"You invented divorce!? I'll kill you!" a man yells angrily.
I turn and see a drunken man charging at us with a knife. Guard 1 pulls me closer, and headbutts me. It breaks my nose, and blood comes oozing out quickly.
"So you're the fuck inventing all them laws huh? That mana leaving you was some kind of spell, and it ain't a coincidence it saved your hide. I'll be watching you." he says angrily.
He throws me in the direction of the charging man. He turns away and starts walking.
"We're leaving. Let whatever happens,happen." Guard 1 says coldly.
The Guards are walking away. I rush to my feet, just in time for the knife to be swung at me. I narrowly turn to the side as it comes at me, avoiding it. Then I jump back to create a few feet of distance between us.
I exhale tensely and clap my hands together.
"Yo Libra. Can I get some Assault laws made?" I ask tensely.
I see Libra tilt her head to the side, then shake her head no. My jaw drops.
"What the hell!? Why not!?" I ask angrily in my mind.
"You've altered society too much today. Like God, let the judge resolve some cases." Libra says with firm annoyance.
I groan with pure annoyance, and face the thug. I can't access Enforcer Mode cause no laws are being broken. However, I have Wind Dash. I have a chance.
I raise my fists in a boxing stance, and crack my neck to ready myself. The thug laughs and points a finger at me. A flicker of flame grows out of it.
"Don't try anything, weakling. You're just some lawyer. I can kill you with ease." the thug says confidently. "This is for ruining my life!" he yells angrily.
The thug swings his cleaver, and a red flying slash of red mana comes flying at me. I've got no idea what element it is, but I know it's gonna hurt. I WInd Dash to the right, dodging it with a powerful burst of wind pushing me aside. It hurts a bit, but it's good.
I'm adjusting quickly, I can feel it. Now to pull off a move all the kids dream of.
I Wind Dash forward at the Thug. As I draw close, he swings once more. I Wind Dash left, then forward and to the right. Ending up behind the Thug. I pull my fist back. Then I Wind Dash forward, adding speed to my blow. A very important part of force.
This enhanced blow smashes into the back of the Thug's head with a loud crack. I feel the concussion spread across his head. Then as my fist disconnects, he is sent flying away from me. He quickly hits the ground, and rolls wildly across the white and black brick road. …how long has the road been like that? Is it like that everywhere?
"Did you kill him? Cause I'll charge ya with murder." the Angel warns calmly.
"Oh fuck!" I yell fearfully.
I look around urgently, and spot an Alchemy shop. I rush inside, and quickly approach the woman behind the counter.
"Please help me! I got in a fight with some guy cause I invented divorce and he doesn't like that, and I fucked him up. Please give me a potion to heal him, I'll be your lawyer for a free divorce." I beg quickly and urgently.
The woman stares at me awkwardly for a moment.
"I'm single, I don't need a divorce. But I don't need people dying on the street in front of my store sooo…" she says calmly.
She looks through a shelf on her side of the counter, and pulls out a red potion.
"There. Pour it on his wounds or make him drink it. Doesn't matter." the woman says calmly.
"Thank you so much." I say seriously and quickly.
I rush out of the store, and return to the Thug. He's still on the ground, bleeding from the head. \
"Shit shit shit." I mumble fearfully.
I rip a cork off the bottle, and start pouring it on the man's wound. Once it's empty, I throw the bottle aside. I look around awkwardly, and find people glancing at me for a moment. Then they continue walking.
"Fights aren't illegal. They don't care as long as you don't mess with them." Libra says calmly.
Ah…nice. I breathe a sigh of relief, and lean against a nearby wall. I relax for a few moments to cool my head and focus.
There's things I still need to do. I wonder how the fair is doing.
Wow, the entire circus act got arrested for weed charges. And an elephant is on fire. So they shut down the fair for today.
I think I'm gonna need to give the city some time to calm down. I decide to return home.
On my way, I cross paths with a bard who is glaring furiously at me. I tense up in anticipation of a fight. And as that thought crosses my mind, a memory flickers. I know this man. A distinct whistle.
He stands tall, a bit over six feet. He's tanned with bright blonde hair, green eyes, and a charming face. He wears a dark green flat tudor cap with a bright red feather sticking out the side. A dark green vest over a black long sleeved shirt. Black pants. And glowing green shoes with belt straps to keep them tight. He has a gold rapier sheathed in a black sheath on his hip. And he holds a ukulele with great fury.
"So it's you. Deatrix's lawyer. And from what the ladies tell me, you're also the reason these laws are being made." the Bard says angrily.
"Um, can I help you? You may have me mistaken for someone else." I say nervously.
I try to move past him, but a sharp whistle fills the air. Then a gust of wind pushes me back until I'm standing back in front of the Bard.
"My name is Cephellion Dingleberry. You've done terrible things today. However, you also invented divorce. And that gives me access to many new women without issues." the Bard says seriously.
I roll my eyes. Bards are all the same, it seems.
"I offer you a deal. Make the First Lady of this city divorce her husband, and I may let you live." the Bard says seriously.
I give the Bard a look that can't express how stupid I think he is. So I start trying with my mouth.
"Why in the fuck would I ever agree to that? You do it your damn self, you're the one that has a silvertongue." I say angrily.
"Yes, but she loves her husband and-" the Bard explains seriously.
"Why would you try to be a homewrecker then!? Find another girl! I know three girls who are in love with you!" I yell angrily.
The Bard stares at me blankly for a moment. Then fear creeps across his face.
"That Bellencia girl is too crazy for me bruh. They ain't worth it." he says with great fear.
I uh…nod and smile sheepishly.
"Honestly fair, that girl is too much." I say nervously.
We both chuckle nervously for a moment. Then silence fills the air. …
"So I'm gonna go now." I say nervously.
I start to leave once more, this time trying to take an alley.
"Wait! Please! I need divorce to spread across the land! It will give me so many bitches!" the Bard yells urgently.
I turn back with disgusted shock.
"Dude, just cause I invented divorce doesn't mean I want everyone to get one. I don't need love to die and have everyone be sluts like you." I say angrily.
The Bard stares at me with utter confusion.
"Bruh, men can't be sluts. I'm a player." he says nicely.
"Man, I invented child support too. You better chill with this shit before you're broke." I say angrily.
"What's that supposed to mean?" the Bard asks fearfully.
"Child Support is giving your baby mama, or probably in your case, baby mamas, a bunch of money once a month to support the child." I explain angrily.
The Bard gasps with fear. Then he draws his rapier.
"You son of a bitch! You're trying to ruin my life! I'll kill you!" the Bard yells angrily.
"Oh fuck!" I yell fearfully.
I immediately start WInd Dashing down the alley. I hear the strumming of the ukulele. I know he's coming. I turn the corner, and reach the city street. I see the chaos, and know I must push through. I start Wind Dashing once more, zooming by people being arrested, fights, and angry guards.
As I do, I hear the Bard's voice singing.
"Come one, come all. Listen to my call to war. This fucking prick invented divorce, made drugs illegal, and made guard brutality laws which are honestly pretty cool. But we're all mad about some of the shit he did. So we should hit him, kick his shit in, and put him in jailllllll."
I see the crowd's eyes turn on me. And I feel an arrow zip past my head.
"Don't forget it's legal as long as we don't kill him!" the Bard yells nicely.
"Ah right, sorry. Just mad about my wife getting the kids." a guy says sheepishly.
You've gotta be fucking with me. This has gone absolutely crazy. It's only been one day, and already the public has turned on me. I know I did the right things. Why are they so mad?
I see an image of Libra facepalming.
"You clearly don't understand people." Libra says annoyedly.
I roll my eyes, and get a punch in the face as a reward. Then some kid rolls in front of my legs, and trips me. I fall face first on the road.
"That's for giving mommy the right to leave us. Now daddy drinks more. And it's your fault!" the kid yells angrily.
"What!? No it isn't!" I yell defensively.
A foot comes flying at my face. I block it with an arm, and get pushed by a few feet. I quickly rise to my feet, just in time to see an older man swinging a fist made of rock in my face. I Wind Dash backwards blindly, crashing into the crowd of people. I knock several people over, but I don't care. They're already trying to hurt me.
I try rising up from the pile of bodies, but some of them start grabbing me.
"You rude fuck! I'll kick your ass!"
"I have to raise Little Timmy by myself cause of you! Fuck you!"
"Why did mommy leave daddy!? Why did you invent divorce!? And illegalize drugs!?" the kids yell miserably.
I barely manage to rip myself away from them. I Wind Dash as best I can out of the crowd, zig zagging through. Taking a hard right to avoid a blast of fire. I'm close to the edge of the crowd. However, I'm beginning to feel a problem. My confidence is leaving me. A sign of low mana.
The Bard stands on the edge of the crowd, ukulele in hand. He strums rapidly on it. And suddenly high pitched noise attacks my ears. It makes me stumble and nearly fall. But I keep Wind Dashing forward.
Until I'm near the Bard. Once more, I pull my fist back. I Wind Dash forward. The Bard strums rapidly on his guitar. I see a wall akin to vibrating water form in front of the Bard. It's obvious it'll block the blow. So I Wind Dash right, then forward. I head deeper into the city.
And I hear footsteps behind me. I don't need to turn around to know it's the Bard chasing me. I keep pouring mana into Wind Dash to get out of here. Down an alley, heading north. Back onto the streets, crossing it, and into another alley.
I hear a sharp whistle, and the scraping of brick on metal. I look up to see a flower pot falling ahead of me. I stop for a moment to let it fall. And this was a mistake as the Bard tackles me to the ground.
"We could work together, Lawyer. The Bard and the Lawyer. We'd make this world our bitch." the Bard says seriously.
I try to get him off of me, but he sticks to me like glue.
"You just sent a mob after me! I'll never help you, and I'll get you in jail at some point bitch!" I say angrily.
"You act like you're any better! You invented laws that only appeal to you! Everyone loved drugs!" the Bard says angrily.
I finally push him away, and kick him in the stomach to push him further back. Then I stand up, and jump a few feet back. Then I Wind Dash forward, and deliver a swift kick to the stomach once more. This kick deals massive damage compared to the one before. It sends the Bard sliding across the ground into a building's wall. He hits it with a loud smack, and coughs out blood.
I don't want to stick around. I take a few breaths. I hear an angry shout from afar. And it motivates me to start running home.
I manage to make it home without any more problems. I lock the door behind me, and sigh with relief. Then I tense up as I realize people might be waiting for me inside my home. So I search the entire house. And after a few minutes, I realized it was a waste of time. I'm just a bit too paranoid, it seems.
I decide to sit down with some water, and relax. And in a bit, I'm going to make some more spells. Basic spells that can apply to any situation. I barely got out of that relying on Wind Dash.
Tomorrow is gonna suck. I bet I ruined all my good fortune with the Judge.