Kaito's question hung in the air, freighted with the full weight of his disinterest: "What's the lowest-effort plan to solve your existential problem?"
He'd expected a to-do list. An item to fetch, a spell to chant, maybe even a boss to defeat in the library basement. The System had prepared him for tedious quests.
Mai Sakurajima, however, just looked exhausted. She sized him up for a long moment, her violet eyes no longer cold or amused, but simply tired. The kind of exhaustion that comes from screaming into a world that can't or won't hear you.
"Do you actually want to help?" she asked, her voice low.
"No," Kaito answered honestly, which made her frown. "But the System says if I don't, my apartment will get filled with quantum bunnies. I hate infestations. So, yes, I have to help. Problematically."
"Right." She nodded, as if she'd come to a decision. "Then the lowest-effort plan is this."
She took a step back, toward the shadows of the shelves.
"What I need... is for you to pretend you can't see me. Like everyone else."
Kaito blinked. It took a second for his brain to process that statement. Beside him, he could feel Fia go rigid.
"If you can see me, great," Mai continued, her voice taking on an edge of resignation. "But don't talk to me. Don't look at me. Don't try to trip me up. That's your new 'mission.' Just ignore me."
She turned, her long dark hair swaying. "Consider the problem 'solved.'"
Kaito stood there, the throb in his foot the only proof the last five minutes had even happened.
"Ignore..." he repeated softly.
A new, strange sensation washed over him. Not joy, exactly. Something deeper. It was the absence of problems. A mission that required zero effort. It was... perfect.
A genuine, if small and weary, smile threatened to quirk his lips. "Done."
The instant the word left his mouth, all hell broke loose.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Fia's shriek was so high-pitched and piercing that Kaito instinctively slapped his own ear, as if trying to kill a fist-sized mosquito.
[SYSTEM ALERT! SYSTEM ALERT!] [DIRECTIVE CONFLICT DETECTED!]
Kaito's mission screen exploded into his vision, flashing an angry red.
[Main Quest (World): 'Anchor Existence'] [Requirement: Increase Bonds and Affinity with Mai Sakurajima.] [STATUS: ACTIVE]
[Personal Quest (Target): 'The Demand for Silence'] [Requirement: Completely ignore Mai Sakurajima.] [STATUS: ACTIVE]
[WARNING! Completion of one quest will result in the CATASTROPHIC FAILURE of the other!] [Penalty for Failure (World): Imminent Paradox. Affinity Loss (Fia). Divine Headache.] [Penalty for Failure (Personal): Affinity Loss (Mai). Extreme Risk of Additional Physical Damage (Right Foot).]
"THIS IS NOT GOOD! THIS IS NOT GOOD!" Fia was tearing at her pink hair, running in small, panicked circles. "You can't agree to this! You have to 'increase bonds'! This is 'decreasing bonds'! This is 'severing bonds'! You're pruning the bonds, Kaito!"
Mai, already several yards away, stopped. She turned slowly, a fresh wave of irritation on her face. "I thought I said..."
He whirled on Fia, his expression the closest he ever got to anger. "You," he hissed, "created a management paradox. I have two mutually exclusive quests. This is the absolute height of incompetence."
"Don't blame me! Blame her!" Fia pointed at Mai. "She's an 'Existential Tsundere'! The System doesn't know how to handle 'ignore me so you'll make me like you'!"
"So problematic," Kaito sighed, massaging his temple.
He was trapped. If he stood still and ignored Mai, the System would punish him. If he went after Mai and interacted with her, she would punish him. It was a choice between a metaphysical headache and a literal one (or a foot-ache).
Mai watched him like he was some fascinating, disgusting specimen. He was just standing there, arguing with thin air, looking visibly distressed.
She sighed, her resolve shattering in the face of sheer absurdity. "Look, what's your name?"
Kaito turned. "Kaito."
"Kaito," she repeated. "I don't know who you're talking to, and honestly, I don't care. But you're making a scene. You're failing your 'mission' to ignore me."
"And I'm failing my mission to not ignore you!" Kaito shot back, exasperated. "My system-goddess is about to have a quantum aneurysm."
"I can't have aneurysms! I don't think!" Fia shouted.
Mai just closed her eyes. "Right. Here's what we're going to do. Since you're incapable of a simple task like 'ignoring me,' you're going to do the opposite, but usefully."
She started walking toward the library exit. "You owe me for trying to cripple me and for breaking my foot."
"You're the one who broke my foot!" Kaito protested, limping after her.
"Irrelevant," she said, not looking back. "You're going to follow me, stay quiet, and carry my things. You'll be my 'invisible assistant.' You don't talk to me, I don't talk to you. You just... exist. Nearby. So your stupid 'System' stops pinging."
It was a loophole. A compromise that required no social effort, only physical labor, which was marginally less annoying.
[COMPROMISE PROPOSAL DETECTED!] [New Quest: 'The Paradox Assistant'] [Requirements: Maintain physical proximity (10m) to Mai Sakurajima. Minimize verbal interaction. Carry items.] [Is this... acceptable?]
The quest screen looked genuinely confused.
"Whatever," Kaito muttered, limping through the library doors and out into the bright sunlight of a world that wasn't his. "As long as I don't have to make any decisions."
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