Chapter 74: Methods to Deal with Herbert
Chris gently pressed his hands on Lois's shoulders, then gestured for her to return inside and attend to the other VIP guests who needed her attention.
When Herbert noticed Chris approaching, his rheumy eyes instantly lit up with disturbing intensity. He narrowed them slightly and said with creepy excitement, "Ohhh, Chris... shhhh... it's been so long since I've seen you up close. You've become so big and strong... shhhh..."
Herbert wheezed as he set down his walker, then reached out his withered right hand toward Chris, clearly wanting to inappropriately touch Chris's muscular arm.
Suppressing his profound discomfort and revulsion, Chris quickly grabbed Herbert's outstretched arm—but then smoothly redirected the motion, hooking it around his own elbow in a supportive gesture that prevented any actual groping.
"Are you feeling alright, Mr. Herbert?" Chris said with forced concern and politeness. "You really aren't physically suited for a gym environment today. How about we head over to the buffet restaurant instead? I'm sure you're hungry."
"Oh, of course, of course!" Herbert wheezed enthusiastically. Feeling Chris's strong arm supporting him—actual physical contact with his target—Herbert immediately abandoned his insistence on entering the gym.
After all, his primary purpose in wanting to access the gym had been to get close to Chris. Now that Chris was physically right beside him, providing support, why would he still need to go inside?
Herbert allowed Chris to escort him toward the adjacent buffet restaurant. Peter and the rest of the Drunken Clam quartet were already seated and eating—the group had zero intention of actually exercising today, so they'd naturally arrived at the restaurant early to take advantage of the free food.
Seeing Peter's seat location, Chris suddenly had a devious idea. He deliberately guided Herbert directly to Peter's side of the long table.
"Mr. Herbert, please sit here next to Peter!" Chris said with exaggerated cheerfulness. "That way he can look after you properly and make sure you're comfortable."
Completely ignoring Herbert's breathy protests, Chris firmly pressed the old man down into the seat directly beside Peter. Then Chris leaned down and whispered harshly into Peter's ear—low enough that Herbert couldn't hear, but with unmistakable menace:
"Keep your eyes on this creepy old bastard at all times. If he appears within thirty feet of me again at any point today, you'll be living in the bathroom toilet from now on. I'll make your life a living hell. Understand?"
Peter, who'd been enthusiastically devouring a massive plate of roast pork, suddenly stopped mid-bite. His pupils constricted with genuine fear as the threat registered. Then he quickly reacted and responded with nervous enthusiasm, "Y-yeah, absolutely, Chris! You go on and be busy with important stuff. I'll take real good care of Mr. Herbert. He won't leave this seat!"
After delivering his crystal-clear instructions to Peter, Chris smiled warmly—for the benefit of any observers—and smoothly departed, completely ignoring Herbert's increasingly resentful and disappointed gaze boring into his back.
"NO... Chris, wait... shhhh... aren't you going to eat here with us?" Herbert called out desperately.
Seeing Chris walk away without looking back, Herbert tried desperately to stand up, propping himself shakily on his walker to pursue.
However, Chris's explicit threat was still ringing loud and clear in Peter's ears. So Peter quickly kicked over Herbert's walker—sending it clattering across the floor—then grabbed a large glass of red wine and enthusiastically urged, "Come on, come on, Herbert! Try this wine first! This is Quagmire's special homemade formula—it's got all the effects of dragon's blood beverage but with an even better taste! You'll love it!"
"Nonono... I don't want—" Herbert protested weakly, trying to resist.
But Peter forcefully shoved the wine glass to Herbert's lips, essentially forcing him to drink. Herbert immediately became noticeably dizzy and disoriented from the alcohol.
Then, under Peter's relentless aggressive hospitality—constantly refilling the glass and encouraging more drinking—Herbert got progressively more intoxicated. Eventually, he directly snatched the entire wine bottle from Peter's hand and began chugging it desperately like a college freshman.
"Oh yesss... shhhh... you are truly a little cutie!" Herbert slurred drunkenly.
Under the heavy influence of alcohol, Peter suddenly appeared genuinely charming and attractive in Herbert's distorted, intoxicated perception. Herbert completely forgot about Chris and began aggressively sexually harassing Peter instead.
Quagmire noticed Herbert's withered, liver-spotted hand reaching creepily for Peter's chin and face. He shouted with excited amusement, "Oh snap! Giggity giggity! This is getting good!"
But Peter shouted in genuine shock and violation, "Ahhhh! What the fuck?! Get off me, you creep!"
Peter immediately shoved backward with both hands, and Herbert was knocked away from him. But Peter wasn't finished—not by a long shot. He grabbed the heavy wooden chair he'd been sitting on and violently swung it at Herbert like a baseball bat.
CRACK!
"Ahhhh! Stop it... shhhh... you can't do that!" Herbert wailed pathetically as the chair connected with his frail body.
Everyone in the restaurant was absolutely astonished to witness Peter savagely beating the elderly Herbert with furniture. Only after hearing Herbert's continuous agonized wails did other diners finally react, rushing forward frantically to physically restrain Peter and pull him away.
By the time several men finally managed to drag Peter off his victim, Herbert's condition was absolutely horrific. All four of his limbs had been broken by Peter's assault, his face was completely covered in blood, and even the few remaining teeth he'd had were now scattered across the floor.
But even in such an absolutely miserable and catastrophic physical state, the old man somehow didn't die. In fact, as seconds and minutes passed, his severe injuries were slowly but visibly beginning to heal and regenerate.
"Peter! What the actual fuck are you doing?!" Lois screamed, pushing through the crowd of shocked onlookers.
Seeing Herbert's pathetic, broken condition, Lois began loudly scolding Peter with genuine fury and embarrassment.
But Peter had curled up defensively under the table, tears streaming down his face, trembling as if he'd been genuinely traumatized and violated.
Chris had noticed the violent commotion when it first erupted, but he'd deliberately chosen not to come over immediately to intervene.
Standing now on the outer periphery of the gathered crowd, Chris could clearly see Herbert's broken body surrounded in the center.
This old bastard really is as supernaturally strange as I suspected, Chris thought with dark fascination. Completely inhuman.
Injuries that would have killed any ordinary person several times over weren't even registering as serious wounds on this old man. His body was already visibly regenerating.
It was as if Herbert's physical body was merely an illusory shell, and some internal metaphysical essence was the true root that sustained his unnatural life.
Recalling Herbert's mysterious background from the show, Chris couldn't help but genuinely wonder if this guy was actually the physical embodiment of some twisted abstract concept—like pedophilia itself made flesh and given horrifying immortality.
But regardless of whatever supernatural entity Herbert actually was, Chris had firmly made up his mind: until he could discover a method to completely and permanently eliminate Herbert, whenever this creature appeared anywhere in his sight, he would simply deploy Peter to handle him.
Chris had absolutely no intention of going inside to comfort or check on Peter. Instead, he found Mayor West and quietly asked him to help manage and control the chaotic scene discreetly.
Only after the ambulance had arrived and transported both Herbert and Peter to Quahog General Hospital did Chris finally approach Lois to offer comfort.
After all, what Peter had done today was genuinely quite shameful and embarrassing: violently beating an eighty-year-old man at his son's grand opening ribbon-cutting ceremony, in front of Rhode Island's political and business elite.
Although this kind of impulsive violence was absolutely typical Peter Griffin behavior, the exceptionally high status of today's witnesses made this incident particularly damaging. It had clearly broken through even Lois's usually formidable mental defenses.
If it weren't for Lois having released substantial psychological pressure during that massacre in the body-snatching town last week, Chris genuinely felt his mother might have fainted directly from the stress and embarrassment.
"It's alright, Mom," Chris said soothingly. "I actually heard from a classmate that Mr. Herbert was acting really strangely and inappropriately earlier. Could it actually be true, like Dad said, that he was being sexually harassed?"
Because Chris had deliberately orchestrated this entire incident, he uncharacteristically spoke several words in Peter's defense—something he rarely did.
However, Lois clearly didn't believe this charitable interpretation. She said bitterly with exhausted frustration, "Don't make excuses for your father, Chris. After all these years of marriage, I know Peter better than you do. He probably just got drunk and overreacted to nothing!"
Hearing Lois firmly dismiss his defense, Chris simply stopped trying to persuade her further.
Whatever, Chris thought dismissively. These two are married—they'll fight dramatically and then make up by bedtime. There's no relationship problem that can't be solved with sex.
And if there is such a problem, it's only because Lois is temporarily unwilling to sleep with Peter.
But with the dragon's blood beverage as a performance aid, Chris absolutely didn't believe Lois could hold out for very long.
And indeed, exactly as Chris had predicted, Peter was discharged from the hospital that same afternoon with minor bruising. That very night, the two of them had already enthusiastically reconciled in the bedroom.
As for that supernatural old creep Herbert?
Lois firmly stated that she refused to let "some strange neighbor" negatively affect the Griffin family's relationships and happiness.
After this illuminating incident, Chris had also definitively confirmed that Peter was genuinely useful for at least one critical purpose: serving as an effective barrier to prevent Herbert from approaching him.
Having finally discovered a reliable method to deal with his major existential concern, Chris was in an exceptionally good mood. He directly borrowed one hundred thousand dollars from Stewie's personal funds as a substantial reward payment for Peter's service.
Watching Peter's absolutely delighted expression upon receiving the money, Stewie was visibly displeased and skeptical.
"Hehehe, although this borrowed money is being charged to your personal account with interest," Stewie said irritably, "aren't you being ridiculously over-generous here? Is it really necessary to give that idiot one hundred thousand dollars just for accidentally beating up that old pervert?"
Chris looked down at Stewie and sighed with genuine gravity, "You still fundamentally don't understand how existentially terrifying Herbert is to me personally. When you eventually get sexually harassed by that immortal old creep yourself in the future, I sincerely hope you can still maintain that dismissive attitude."
Stewie visibly recoiled at Chris's ominous words. After seriously thinking about the potential consequences of being personally targeted by Herbert's predatory attention, Stewie said in a much deeper, more concerned voice, "Alright... you're absolutely right. We genuinely cannot allow that old bastard any opportunity whatsoever to get physically close to either of us."
However, Stewie thought for another moment, then said again with business acumen, "But I still think the reward amount for Peter is excessively high. Over-rewarding will actually reduce his motivation and enthusiasm. Basic behavioral psychology—he'll start expecting huge payments for minimal effort."
Chris heard Stewie's economically sound reasoning and found it very persuasive. He nodded in agreement, "That's actually a valid point. Okay, from now on, let's establish a standard rate of five thousand dollars per incident where Peter successfully keeps Herbert away from me."
"It's still arguably too high," Stewie objected reflexively. Then he remembered that it wasn't actually his money being spent—Chris would be repaying the loan with interest. "But whatever, let's leave it at that rate for now."
[+500 Power Stones = +2 Extra Chapter]
[+10 Reviews = +1 Extra Chapter]
If you enjoyed this chapter, leave a Review!
P*atreon/Soulforger (30+ advanced chapters)
Buy me coffee - ko-fi*com/soulforger01