cold....soo cold"
" Like a knife"
"Even worst"
After a small pouse , her eyes soften again.
"Third year hah?, can't belive
Sourav will be a teacher soon"
"things are moving to
that, i hope"
"Can i take your classes
Mr.TEACHERRR"
"nope"
"Whyy, do you hate me??"
"Whatt..
Ofcourse i dont"
"Yes you do"
He rolled his eyes back to her
"did you called me
here To fight?"
" I was bored okay,
2024 is just few hour away,
Arn't you exited????"
"Yes...I am,
"Absolutely exited to
loos another 365
days from my life"
" What...
What's with this androgeny"
She covered her mouth and started laughing
"It's uncontrollable
exitement"
They both burst out to laugh, there laughter grew louder, carried away by the cold night air.
Then a pouse settled in,
the street around them still glowing with the decoration of crismas , faint light streched accross the shops , and the winter made there breth visible.
"Can i ask som...
"I was...
There voice cancelled each ather's .
Bothe broke into awkward pause..
"You go fast ,
I will wait"
"No,no, it's okay,
You can..
Befor he could finish his sentence .
"I'm wating.."
" Well, iwas thinking
About it for a while"
"Yes"
" Actually i..
"Actually you"
"I'm serious "
" So am i..'
He walked away from har , to the other corner of road, blocked his ears with hand .
" MOU , I WANTED TO
SAY THIS FOR A
LONG TIME"
She didnt spoked this time .
"MOU, WILL YOU...
His left side turned bright with flash of headlight,
Within a secend
Before she could react.
...it HIT...
..A truck..
He lunged foword
BLOOD
Blood started riming through the road.
She froze , can't move,
cold..soo cold
Her eyes locke to the point where he been standing.
Cold...soo cold
____________________
I woke up to the smell of antiseptic . The celling above my head wasen't the night sky , it was pale and unfamiliar, humming faintly with a tubelight . My body felt heavy, like i have pinned down, for a moment i didn't know where I was .
I tried to sit up, but the nurse pressed a hand to my shoulder.
" You fainted" she said gently,
My hand shot to my clothes, stiff patches of dried blood still clung to the fabric, not mine.
"Where is he?" My voice cracked , barely audible
"Where is he?"
"The boy..who was with me,
Where is he now?"
The nurse hesitated, then lovers her voice,
"he was critical, we had to
Transfer him to city
hospital Immediately"
My body moved before my head cought up , i swung my legs off the bed , the floor was cold beneath my bare feet.
"Tell me the address" I demanded, my voice shaking more from fear than weakness.
" You need to rest"
she said,
I pushed past her. The doorway swayed in my vision, I gritted my teeth and kept moving. I have to see him. I have to.
Another nurse blocked me at the corridor.
"Miss, stop. You can't
leave yet,
The doctor must check you
before you go anywhere."
"I don't care!" My voice cracked.
The first nurse came running, her eyes softer now.
"Listen,"if you're lucky,
doctor will release
you soon. Then
you can request for
our ambulance, It'll
leave in a few minutes
or the same hospital"
" and at this hour, it's
not easy to get quick
transport on the road"
Her words hit me like a wall, but I nodded, fists clenched. I had no choice but to wait.
The doctor finally let me go. I barely heard his instructions; the only thing I clung to was the nurse's promise that the ambulance would take me where he was.
When we reached the city hospital, My legs carried me faster than my breath.
"Sourav biswas,
Age 20
Accident
Where is he?"
"please go to the
second floor, right
corridor O.T room
at the end of hallway"
I ran through the corridors, until I found the door with the red light above it: Operation Theatre.
His mother was there, folded in his father's arms, her face buried against his chest, her shoulders shaking. His father held her tightly, his own eyes shining though he tried to stay strong. The sound of her muffled sobs seeped into the hallway, heavier than the silence of the night.
Suddenly, the weight of it all pressed down: they were his family, His blood, No matter how much my chest ached for him, I was just a shadow on the edge.
I stopped just a few steps away.
Slowly, I turned my head. At the far other end of the hallway, a window glowed against the dark. Beyond it, fireworks bloomed, spilling colors into the sky. The city cheered for a new year, their voices rising in joy.
two worlds,one exploding in celebration, the other collapsing in silence.
I swallowed hard and forced my legs to move. Step by step, I walked closer, until his mother's sobs broke sharper into my ears. His father lifted his head when he noticed me. His face looked older than I remembered, crashed with fear, heavy with the weight of holding his family together.
My throat tightened as I asked,
"What did the doctors say?"
His father's eyes shifted toward the closed theatre doors. For a moment, his lips parted, but no sound came. Then, barely above a whisper, he answered,
"Nothing yet"
I sat by the wooden bench near me, pressing my nails into my palms to stop myself from trembling.
The first night passed without a word. I didn't sleep. my hands clenching and unclenching beyond my control .
The city outside continued to celebrate, fireworks flashing in the distance, but inside the hospital, time had stopped.
Hours blurred into one another. I counted the beeps from the machines in my mind, tried to memorize the hum above, traced the cracks in the tile floor with my eyes. Every step of a passing nurse made my heart pressed. Every closing of a door sent a shiver down my spine.
I ate nothing. I barely moved. His mother was nearby, wrapped in a blanket, sleeping in fits. His father sat next to her, silent except for the occasional whisper of encouragement to her.
The secend night crept by, endless. It felt heavier, slower, more unbearable. Each minute stretched like a rope, tugging at my chest. I whispered his name when I thought no one could hear, just to remind myself he still there.
And then....the door opened, that red light above the door turned off, at 3:17am, it was total 28 hours.
Two surgeons stepped out, their faces tired and pale beneath their masks. My stomach dropped. I could barely move, but my legs carried me forward anyway.
"Is he...?" I choked on the words, my throat dry, voice shaking so badly I couldn't form a proper sentence.
The taller surgeon removed his mask. His eyes were steady.
"He's stable,"
"hit was on head side,
luckily it didn't spread
farther"
he said finally.
"The operation went as
planned, but it was
difficult,...long and
delicate."
The surgeon added,
"He's in ICU now,
we can allow family
visit by this morning,
but one person at a
time and No loud
noises."
[January 2]
His perents went one by one, as I waited outside,
By 8:30am the moment came,
I walked down the corridor toward the ICU doors.
My hands shook as I reached for the handle, my breath catching in my chest.
Step by step I walked toward the glass wall he was behind of.
I pressed my hands lightly against it, as if sheer force could make it vanish. Behind the glass, he lay motionless on the bed, tubes curling around him like vines. Machines beeped steadily, their rhythm a cruel reminder that he was alive but unreachable.
His chest rose and fell slowly. Every breath was a victory, and yet every second felt impossibly fragile.
"Hey,"I whispered, even though I knew he couldn't respond.
"I'm here. I'm not leaving."
I just stood there, staring.The glass was cold beneath my palms, but it was the only thing keeping me close to him. Around me, the hospital remained quiet, but in my mind, a storm raged..fear, hope, guilt, all tangled together.
Days began to blend into one another. Morning, night ,it didn't matter. My life became a circle that started and ended with him.
Every day I came to the hospital, waited for my turn, pressed my palms against the glass, and whispered things he couldn't hear. Sometimes I told him about the weather, sometimes about the books I'd started reading just to fill the silence. Other times, I just stood there, watching the machines breathe for him.
I sat in the same chair, traced the same cracks on the floor tiles with my eyes, listened to the same footsteps of nurses passing by. Coffee from the vending machine, bread from the cafeteria, sleep stolen in short bursts against the wall .
this became my rhythm.
[January 17]
Every day had been the same until this one. I came earlier than usual, long before the corridors filled with voices. The nurse looked surprised to see me, but she let me pass with a small smile.
It's his birthday ,mine too. Two years apart mine 2001 and his 2003. Same day, same winter air.
I pressed my palm against the glass, watching him lying there, still. My lips trembled into a small smile as the memory came back, as clear as if it had happened yesterday.
Seventeen January,2016;
he was just a little boy turning thirteen that year . He went to the park near our homes with a small box full of chocolates. He wasn't shy, not even a little. He gave them out to everyone, from kids chasing balls to old men on benches. His face lit up every time someone said "thank you"
I was turning fifteen then. My pockets were empty, my hands bare. I haven't thought of bring anything for my birthday.
Seeing a full box of chocklet ,I walked up to him, hesitating, then asked,
"Can I... buy some candy from you? It's my birthday too, and I don't have anything to give."
He shook his head immediately. Not in the selfish way, but in the kind of way. Then he smiled, pushed a few chocolates into my hands, and said,
"It doesn't matter.
We can distribute
together."
Talking to him was never hard. He was the kind of person who made even silence feel like a conversation.
I whispering into the silence,
"We're still supposed to be together today..."
[February 1]
It still carries winter's chill, but it softens each day. The mornings are cold, but by noon the sun feels kinder. In the courtyard outside the hospital, marigolds are still in bloom, bright against the pale air. Life outside seems to move gently forward, while in here... it doesn't move at all.
It's been a whole month now , doctor said,his condition has drastically improved.
Even though he haven't shown any movement.
[February 9]
Evining; I was there, sitting next to him when I saw his finger twitched, a movement , I saw it with my own eyes, he moved , he moved.
Doctor said its just an neural response , not any intentional act.
But that was enough for me to be there as long as i have to.
[February 14]
I laughed at myself,
i always wanted to be with him but never could , there was always a wall between us that softened every time I say him.
I wish we could be togather atleast for once,
I wish I could hold his hand and feel your heart as close as nobody has ever did .
I wish for one moment when i can hold him in my arms against the wall i made myself.
I wish...
[March]
March passed without any sign of movement, but the mashine around him has started disappear slowly,
He can breath by himself ..
[April & may]
The sun burnes from morning till night. Fans run endlessly and the air feels heavier each day , and school kids walk home with sweat on their back.
I remember how much he hates summer, from end of april to first drop of monsoon , he goes for summer sleep , he went to school as early as possible and after ends school, he was barely able to walk.
From school to collage he never stoped complaining about summer.
"If only you were here with me"
"If i could hear you voice again,"
"I cant see you helpless like this anymore"
"I can't"
"....I c-can't"
"Can't anymore...
And then, tears slipped down from those burning eyes through cheeks , untill they meet the cold glass, blurring the reflection into a shapeless shadow.
[June]
They didn't keep me behind the glass wall anymore. I could sit beside him now , hold his hand, talk to him properly, even though the room still smelled like medicine and machines.
That Sunday night, I stayed longer than usual. The halls outside were empty, the world already asleep. Only his monitor hummed softly beside me.
Then it happened. His body trembled , not gently, but like something inside was fighting its way back. His fingers curled, his chest rose sharply, and for a moment I thought it was over ,another seizure, another panic. I called the nurse, my voice breaking.
Doctors rushed in, the sound of shoes against tiles cutting the silence. One of them asked me to move aside.
They checked everything - pulse, breathing, eyes. I stood by the wall, watching, feeling useless.
And then, through all that chaos, I saw his eyelids flutter. Just once.
It wasn't a dream, for a heartbeat, I saw him trying. Trying to come back.
[July]
He began to move more often now , mostly his index finger, lifting and falling like a ticking clock, as if his body was counting something I couldn't hear. Sometimes it was the other fingers too, but never the same rhythm twice,his eyes started move a little now ,slow, wandering, searching for something to focus on.
When I leaned close enough, they'd follow me. Not always, but enough to make me stay longer.
He still couldn't open his mouth. When he tried to make a sound, it came out as a low humm , almost like someone trying to speak underwater.
But there were some nights when,
His body would shake without warning, muscles tightening, his breathing uneven.
The doctors called that panic attcks ,
it's the brain's way of remembering how to fight, each time it happened, I froze, but the nurses didn't, they'd rush in, calm him, check every wire, every pulse. And then, somehow, the quiet would return.
By the end of the month, thease panic attacks has stopped. His movements became slower, steadier , no longer accidents, but choices.
[August]
By early August,doctor finally said, 'He's ready to be shifted home,' I didn't know what to feel. Relief? Fear?
" what if he says I was the reason of all , what if he says i stood there like a traitor"
" maybe he should because it is true, maybe he should because his hand were cold and empty at most painful time in his life,
They brought him home on the second morning of August. The air was still heavy with the smell of rain . that sticky kind that clings to clothes.
The hospital bed was already set up in his room, along with the oxygen line, the monitor, the nurse, and a small team that came and went quietly. Everything looked ready, but somehow it still didn't feel real.
I wasn't supposed to stay all the time. But I stayed anyway.
I had my own apartment just few lanes away, though it felt emptier now, just a place to sleep,wash clothes, charge my phone, and come back again.
Here, at his home, I didn't do much. The nurse handled the medicine, the feeding, all the careful parts. I mostly sat near him, reading, humming, or just watching his fingers move. Sometimes he'd look at me for a long time, and I'd pretend not to notice, afraid I might cry if I met his eyes.
Every evening, I helped the nurse shift his chair near the window. He couldn't see far, but he liked the sound of the rain hitting the metal roof outside. His eyes followed the drops, slow and steady ,almost peaceful.
August passed like that -quiet, careful, and heavy with waiting.
[September]
The monsoon was fading, the rain lighter now , just enough to cool the walls but not soak them. I began to open the windows again.
He was different this month. Stronger, steadier, more alive.
his control are returning , his hands no longer trembled the way they used to, then he reached for a glass, he could hold it for a few seconds before it slipped, that was enough to make everyone smile.
He started to move his neck too , small, careful turns, like he was testing his own body. Right to left meant no, up and down meant yes.
The first time he nodded, I almost laughed and cried at the same time.
He can make more recogniseable sound,
'Wa...' he said one morning, pointing toward the table. The nurse brought water.
Doctor said once he will get little bit control on speaking, his full recovery won't be far .
He'd spend hours practicing, trying to push air through his throat, his lips trembling with effort, sometimes, the only thing that came out was a whisper, sometimes, nothing at all, but he kept trying.
There were days when exhaustion caught up, when he'd close his eyes and rest mid-conversation. But even then, I could feel the fight in him.
[October]
Now and then, I took him out at afternoon.
The nurse or his father would help settle him into the wheelchair, and we'd move slowly along the path outside the house , just far enough to see the horizon blush with the last bit of sunlight. He liked watching the sky change colors, his head turning gently to follow the movement of clouds, his eyes catching every bird that passed.
Sometimes, I'd talk just to fill the silence. He listened...always listened...even if he couldn't reply much.
" Do you remember the orientation day of you collage?"
" You come to my apartment early that morning, nervous and shy, pretending it was because the buses were confusing. But I knew you just didn't wanted to go alone."
"I still remember teasing you, laughing, "Are you a baby or something?"
"You didn't answer. You just followed me."
"I know you didn't asked me but I still waited for you the whole day ,right outside the gate."
" I thought you'd be happy when you see me again, but instead, you looked embarrassed"
" You couldn't even make eye contact. Everyone else was leaving with friends"
"and there I was standing like waiting for a child after nursery school."
"Trust me , i didn't wanted to make you embarrassed but i couldn't hold myself to see your like That"
I knew he can't talk, he can reply to whatever I'm saying, but i kept talking like always, because I know he listens, maybe, maybe he dase listen .
"Haha, I'm still sorry for that day okay, but it's not like you still mad on me for that right? "
I looked at him now, sitting in the wheelchair, his eyes fixed on the sunset, and said, "Do you remember that day?"
He didn't answer. For a long time, he just stared at the horizon. Then, suddenly, he turned his head toward me and spoke slow, shaky, but clear.
" a..a..I d.d..don't"
My heart stopped.
I leaned closer,
He looked at me for a moment longer, his eyes soft but distant.
Then he spoked again
"a..I can't re...."
He took a long breath
"recall wg..who you are"
He started breathing fast , as if he pushed all his breath for one sentence.
I froze.
Suddenly my ears gone silent
I wanted to say something.....anything..... but my voice wouldn't come out.
I said nothing
It was evining, time to return, nurses might be waiting for medicines.
I have to take him back to home quickly.
That night, I couldn't stop replaying it .
his eyes, the way he looked at me like I was a stranger.
Those words, they kept circling in my head, louder every time.
Maybe he doesn't want to recognise me.
Maybe, in his memories, I was the reason for all this.
Maybe he thought I was reason for that accident.
Yes
I was , it was me who stood there like a coward, when he was in pain
It's not his fault that he hates me , it was I who gave him the scar,
I ...i was the reason for all of it.
He would have been living a normal life if i didn't forced myself on his life again and again.
the more I tried to breathe, the heavier it got. The mind doesn't listen to logic when it's hurting ,it listens to fear.
maybe I made things worse by being there.
Maybe seeing me kept his brain fighting against something it couldn't name.
Maybe he couldn't heal because I kept reminding him of a life he didn't want to remember.
The more I thought, the more the guilt spread , like a stain that wouldn't come off.
He deserved peace and happiness,
even if it meant peace without me.
_________________
first, there was nothing.
No sound, no voice, only pain , and Just a blank endless hum.
Then one day, something twitched.
My finger. I didn't know it was mine at first. It moved , a small, slow rise. It felt like trying to lift the world with a single muscle.
I tried to open my mouth, but it wouldn't move. My lips were sealed shut, like they belonged to someone else. My eyes could move, all have I been seeing is the ceiling, and some faces I can't understand because of pale green masks, and some hands under gulab chaking my eyes every now and then.
I started memorizing the lines in ceiling, counting the tiny cracks that looked like rivers on a dry map. That was my world for days,maybe weeks or more.
Then she appeared.
A face. Close enough that the light behind her made a halo.
I didn't know who she was , but something was familiar.
Like my brain tripped over a memory that wasn't ready yet. I felt a pull, a pressure behind my eyes, Every time I tried rolling my eyes at her, she smiled , it felt like i have seen that smile soo many times but i don't recall how .
I tried to think ,who is she? why does she look at me like that? but the harder I pushed, the worse it hurt.
And the moment I stopped thinking, tears came instead. I didn't even know why.
Days blurred into each other. They told me she was a friend. That the man sitting quietly in the corner was my father. The words didn't mean much. "Friend." "Father." They sounded like labels on objects I'd never seen.
Still, every time she came, the air felt... different.
Lighter,Warmer.
I started waiting for her voice , I didn't remember who is she talking about, but I knew the tone.
It had something that pulled me back from the quiet place inside my head.
one that evening when she took me out again. The air was new , little colder then before but alive.
I could feel it brushing my face. She told me something, her hands moving as she spoke, her voice full of life.
I didn't understand the story, but there was a feeling inside it ,something bright, i wanted to laugh with her , but why?
I want to know her , but how?
My my through feels stuck like it crushed by silence,
I tried
tried to force it with everything i had,
tried to speak, with her, to her, for me .
I spoked, i did,
I asked, i did,
but she stood silent, but why?
Maybe she didn't heard what i said,
But I'm out of breath, i can't do it again,
Maybe i should try tomorrow, when she will look at me.
I should, i must,
I want to know, i really do .
Been a week, i haven't seen her since that night, she didn't said anything about leaving,
Is she okay?
Is she sick? Could be
I tried to talk with the nurse,
It was faster this time,
" Where is she? " I asked, but my breath is gone like that day,
" Why didn't she came" i asked again
My through started to burn, telling me to stop.
That nurse didn't said a thing, after a while the father came along with the mother,
Father spoked " she said she will be going back to her aunt's house, she can't stay here forever you know"
"You don't have to warry, me and you ma(mother) is here for you, forever"
Over a Month passed,
I can't move little with the support crutches .
I try to stand al long as possible even with that support,
It has been my daily running to practice Walk by myself .
winter cold has grown to it's fullest in this month of December.
But it started raining hard tonight, an off season storm.
My legs are tied of standing for almost half hour,
I set on the chair beside the window, looking at dark sky will bring flash of thunder in far .
It's been over a month by now , but i couldn't stop thinking about her for single moment .
If only i could meet her for one last time, i would apologise if i have said something that hurt.
I just wanted to apologise,
For some reason, her leaving me feels somthing like i already have felt once, but when ,
I know i did,
Whenever i try to ask to ma about her, she avoids it , but why?
I can't, i can't tolerate thease questions anymore, my chest hurts more then my head dose,
Whenever i think about her my breath feels empty like some part of it still missing. .but why?
Then ..Thunder flashed through my window giving a rugh picture of my dark room flashing left side of my face .
That loud crack of sound numbed my ears for a moment,
My vision blurred as I saw her face in this empty air,
My ears started listening to the sound of boots slamming against road as they ran closer,
But nobody is here except me ,
What is this sound?
Why I'm seeing her standing frozen?
I pushed myself forward just to hold her hand, even though i know it's not there,
My eyes closed before i could make any sence of it,
All i remember is my head got slammed on the carpet near my bed as I fell,
And then... nothing.. nothing
I saw her again , but it's not the face i have been seeing for all this time ,
Younger, quieter. But I know it's her face.
"Can I... buy some
candy from you?
It's my birthday too,
and I don't have
anything to give,"
She said,
I remember it now ,it was my birthday afternoon, and the day I first saw her.
"It doesn't matter.
We can distribute
together."
"Don't worry , i will
pay you back leter"
"That won't be
necessary "
"But thanks for
considering"
Then we distributed sweets to all the people in park.
At evening after that, her father came to pick her up,
He said nothing to her about birthday or anything about the sweets in her hand.
They look like total strangers.
Just before she left , i asked
"you didn't tell me your name"
"i'm sourav... Sourav Biswas"
She left without saying a thing.
Next day I saw her at my school, i decided to talk to her after school.
My classmate said she recently been transferred here , two class ahead of us.
After school when I went for her , she was already gone.
" I should talk before class starts" i said to myself.
But she didn't came to school for whole next week after that.
I made my mind to ask to teacher about her,
The on next Monday, I saw her again, standing beside the fountain,
I didn't waited this time,
I went straight to her,
Before i could i ask anything ,
she did,
"Mohua sen"
"What?"
"My name,
"You asked the other
day, in that park,
don't you remember?"
"It was birthday of
your and mine too"
"Yes i do , i do"
"But why didn't you told me
when i asked that day?"
"I was feeling sick "
I wanted to ask why she didn't came to school whole week, but i didn't, don't know why.
"So you coming to the park after school?"
I asked,
"I don't know"
"Do you go there
everyday?"
"No , not everyday
Buy whenever
i feel like,
Lots of different
people cames there"
"You came too"
"Do you have fun
there?"
"ofcourse, i do"
"By seeing
different people?"
"No it's not like that"
"I think the class
will be starting now"
I wanted to talk to her more but talking to her was real chalenge, i didn't understand but there was somthing different.
That day I waited for her, hopeing she might came,
But she didn't.
It was getting dark , I had to get back home ,
I was st the park get , then i saw her... running,
With a tiny side bag.
She stopped running just after the moment she noticed me standing there.
I stood there till she reached me.
"I thought you
ain't gonna come"
"Mou" she said
"Huh?"
"Call me mou"
"I that what your
perents call you?"
"You should"
She has a very awkward way of cutting conversation off. As if she already made up what to say even before i ask anything.
Then she took her tiny side bag infront and took candys out from it.
"Take it"
"It's okay,
I already said you
Need to"
"I bought it for
myself ,But i
bought more then
i Needed "
"I see"
"Well then,
I will take some"
"Take all"
"What, I can't
do that, You said
you bought it for you"
"It's getting late,
My dad will be
coming anytime"
I knew it's pointless to try talk any further.
After few minutes , her father came to pick her,
It was same as before, he didn't spoked a single word.
Next day at school, she wasen't there again.
But at lunch brake , i got call from principal office.
When i went there , I saw my perents were also sitting there.
"Did you talked to
that new girl?"
Mom stood up before i even entered the room,
I looked at my dad as he nodded.
I had no confusion which girl is she talking about.
"Yes mom"
"We share same birthday"
"That doesn't mean
you have To make
friends with her,
There's alot of kids
in your own class
you can be friend with "
"But mom...."
Madam principal stood up from behind before i could finish,,,
"It's for you own Good
Sourav, She is not a
person you should.
make friends wait "
-----
Rupmaya sen , once one of the most popular face in Bengali magazine.
But in that time , her name started to fall as new stars started to raise up for that fame.
in 2014 , her body got found hanging with rope to a selling fan, sparked all news midea but when
Post mortem report showed no signs of drug or alcohol, and it is a self act, in one word
"a suicide ",her name vanished from News over night.
Rupmaya sen also had a husbend, she married at a young age of 21,
People said her success was a result of her husband vishwadeep Sen's connections on modeling industry, who was also her manager before marriage.
With long 16 years of being togather, they also had a daughter,
After her death, her family went totally out of spotlight.
That day my principal told me that she is not a person i should be friend with,
She has a mental issues that she has developed after losing her mother at young age,
Five school before this had transferred her for that ,
Our principal only allowed her admission because she has borde exam next year,
But she can't come to school,
She requested to principal to attend school atleast once a week.
Mom took me home after that ,
I didn't slept that night, i knew there is nothing wrong with her, if it's anything that it's her dad.
Mom told me not to talk with her ever again , but i decided that I will going her house next Sunday.
I left home early saying I'm going for group study.
I got her address from student diary, which is not hard to get hands on for a class monitor.
My heartbeat got faster and faster as got closer to her home,
My hands started trembling as i reached got the doorbell.
Then.. i pushed it
Then i waited, a minute passed , then five , ten , twenty,
I kept waiting for answer,
But it didn't opened.
I felt relieved as i started to leave, as if i didn't wanted that gate to open myself.
Then came a sound from behind ,
A sound of old wood shifting against rust iron as it slided above the stone floor,
Then came her voice.
"Come in "
I turned my eyes back to that door again, and there she was , smiling.
A smile that stuck in my head , a smile that made keet me think about that person for the rest of my life even after there was nothing but emptiness in my mind.
That Spark of excitement I saw in her eyes was different then anything about her.
As i entered..
"Why did you came ?"
She asked
{°°Is that the first thing came to your mind while looking like a puffberry?,And what that half hour of making me wait?°°}
"Well i thought i
should give you
class notes, Since
you don't go to
school much so"
" But you are not in
my class"
"Don't worry about
that, I took these
notes from Seniors"
"So you are gonna
come every Day?"
"No no , don't worry,
i won't"
"Why not?"
"Na, i mean , like ,
It would look wide no?"
"Would it?"
"Absulutly would "
Her father came up to me as well were talking , offering a bottle of lemon juice,
I hesitated at first but then i accepted it, this is not what i imagined him to do.
I said I won't come but i keep coming every Sunday anyways,
She is not a quiet person as i thought, she likes to ask questions one after another the another.
Sometimes she will just stop talking completely, it felt odd at first but it's her way of asking me to talk.
And the moment i start, she will throw another question.
Her father never seemed bothered to my presence,
He left job as maneger in modeling industry and now he works in nearby coffee shop for living.
He does all house chores as well as takes care of mohua.
Week passed, then months , almost half a year but yet he haven't spoked a single word, i thought he can't speak but that day when I went to that coffee shop, i saw him speaking with other customers except me.
I tried asking mou about it but she avoided every single time.
December 2016;
My end of final exam and she had bords few months ahead,
She become a little busy at that time so that Sunday i thought not to give her any distraction on that important time.
Even though she is discontinuous at school, she works hard at home.
Later that night i felt somthing wrong,
She doesn't use cellphone, she doesn't know why i didn't went there , she might worry about it.
I decided I will explain next day at school.
Next day when i went to school, i didn't find her even at her class,
She didn't came even though it was Monday , i should go there at afternoon, i have to.
Later that afternoon when i finally reached her house, i saw something different, that door was locked from outside, "she must have been went out with her dad"
I stood there , hoping she would came back,
Minutes passed, five, ten, twenty, but.. nobody came.
My shadow kept stretching long on that wooden door as the sun left final flickers of light for the day.
"Ay kid, what are you
doing here?go home"
An old man , i recognised that uniform, a police man.
"I'm waiting for
my friend"
"Huh?, is this your
friends house?"
"Yes sir, i think
she isn't home
right now"
"Yes you are right,
and she won't
be coming anymore"
"What , but why?"
"You haven't heard?"
"Why? What happened?"
"Oh..boy"
"Last night people
from neighbours
heard a scream,
When they went to
chake, they found
mr.vishwadeep.."
He paused for a moment.
"But hanging on rope,
and his unconscious
daughter on the floor,
that scream was her."
My through went dry in moment, my feet got cold suddenly got cold, my hands won't stay still, no matter how much i tried, they kept trembling, my breath got heavier and heavier on every passing second.
My breath came out in a burst, my heart slamming against ribs as if it is trying to escape, my hands are still shaking , through still dry, sweat down my neck.
I am in my room ,
i looked at my phon,
|2:44am|31Dec|2024|
Rain has stopped, everything felt soo quite soo sudden, that chair still standing beside the window ,
After few moments, mom and dad came running, I heard there steps of urgency from the hallway, door wasn't locked,
"What happened beta(son)?"
Their faces no longer new to me.
Mom pressed her hand against my forehead, her fingers trembling, tears gathered in her eyes, slipping before she could stop them.
"Last night when we
heard that soud from
your room after
thunder, we came
running and we saw
you laying on the
ground , we were soo
worried beta(son),
we thought we lost
you again."
Dad came closer, he put his hand on my head, then his fingers brushed my hair back.
"We can't explain what
we were going
through beta(son),
Your mother and i
still haven't closed
our eyes "
Then he ran down his hand on my shoulder.
"Take rest beta(son),
we will be going of
this new year night,
All of us together"
I took a long breath, finally stabling my heart beat.
"I'm sorry dad,
I have to go"
"What? Where?"
"Let him be alone for
while, he sleep talking"
"I'm fully awake dad"
"Then? where you
wanna go? You can't
walk for properly"
Tell me , i will take
you there when I
will get time"
"I have to go
right now,
If i leave now,
i might reach her
Before this midnight "
"Her?,Are you out of
your mind Sourav?"
"She said she is tired
of waiting for you
and she doesn't
wanna get back."
"I know what she
said or what not dad"
I took my crutches and started walking tword main door, if I can get to the station within a hour then i can take the train on 4:30am,
I have to go, fast..
"SOURAV STOP THIS
NONSENSE ,STOP
I SAY, SOURAV
LISTEN TO ME"
"PLEASE FORGIVE
ME DAD, I CAN'T
BE ANY LATE THEN
I ALREADY AM"
I got taxi right infront of my house, got to station at 3:50am, enough time to catch the train,
I sat in train on time, my joints fees like they are gonna fall off one by one,
My feet..i can't keep it pressed against the floor nor the strength to keep lifted up.
But it won't stop me , not again, not anymore.
___________________
After mom's death, dad had changed forever, everyday it was a challenge to not let him think of ending life, he started taking every single blame on himself.
{Generalized Anxiety Disorder(GAD)}
His condition kept getting worst every single day , until sourav started to visit, for the first in two years i saw him smiling, because for the first time in two years, he saw me with a friend.
He didn't dared to talk to him or to me infront of him, if fear of sourav misunderstand him and brakes friendship with me ,
But i never told that to sourav, i couldn't never make him part of my problem, but he kept being a part of my life,
I should have stopped him back then, but i didn't,
All of his sufferings are couse of my selfishness.
My uncle(mom's brother) had requested several times to take us to there house, even though my mom had cutted all relations with my grandparents, after marrying my dad.
That day when sourav didn't came, dad looked little different,
i have him his sleeping pills , i thought i should ask sourav to came just for a moment on next day,
But i didn't knew that god will take away every single thing i have cared for,
When naigbers found me unconscious, they took me to the hospital, my uncle came directly to me after hearing everything,
That night they took me to uncle's house, my every single day becomes lifeless after that ,
Uncle was married over ten years but without a child, they gave more then I could ever ask for, if it wasn't for them, i don't know where would have i done.
I knew ther was nothing more in my life then just staying alive,
i refused every hope of seeing sourav again, maybe he also will forget me after time.
Summer 2018;
i movie to city again for college,
It was just another morning, on the way to college , half awake, mind full of random things.
..i saw him..it wasn't a mistake..it was him.. sourav, near the bookstore, his bag hanging from one shoulder.
Now Taller, older,but still him. That same way of standing, the same quiet eyes that never knew how to hide what they felt.
Before I even realized, I was running, I didn't think, I didn't care.
I just wanted to reach him ,to know he was real.
He turned, saw me, and for a second everything inside me froze.
He didn't smile, his eyes shimmered, but his face stayed unchanged ,pretending to be angry, maybe trying not to cry, i wanted to say his name, but my voice wouldn't come out. I just stood there, trying to breathe through the lump in my throat.
we were walking under the same sky, in the same city again, without knowing.
If i wouldn't have forced my life on him again , his days would've been different, painless, peaceful.
[31 december, 2024]
It's been a whole now but i still can't erase that memories of his pain.
The night was quiet,cold wind brushing over the rooftop tiles.
Then, faintly, I heard it,the sound of a taxi stopping outside, i leaned forward, half-curious,
It was already 11:48pm, i couldn't see who stepped out ,maybe someone friends of uncle's , i thought for a moment.
Then came the slow sound of footsteps climbing up the stairs,Heavy, Uneven,Each one closer then another.
Then When the door opened, my breath froze.
"Sourav?"
He stood there, leaning on his crutches, hair messy, face pale from exhaustion. His eyes met mine,eyes that once held laughter, now filled with pain that looked too heavy for one night to carry.
"WHY MOU..."
His voice cracked like glass. "Why did you leave me all alone again?"
He took a shaky step closer.
"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME... THAT YOU ARE THE ONE I LOVE THE MOST WHEN I ASKED THAT DAY?"
Tears burned behind my eyes, but no sound came out of my mouth. I could only shake my head, unable to breathe.
He coughed, struggling for air.
"WHY DID YOU CAME BACK... IF YOU WERE GOING TO LEAVE AGAIN?"
His tone was breaking now, each word trembling between anger and heartbreak.
"WHY DID YOU SAY WE'D STAY TOGETHER FOREVER?"
He swallowed, his voice trembling.
"WHY DID YOU SMILED EVERY TIME I GOT CLOSE TO YOU?"
"WHY DID YOU KEEP COMING TO SEE ME EVERY DAY, IF YOU WERE JUST GOING TO DISAPPEAR AGAIN?"
His chest heaved, the tears now spilling freely.
"WHY MOU WHY!?"
And then, blood.
A thin red line slipped from the corner of his mouth, dark and shocking under the moonlight.
He coughed, hard, his legs shaking. The crutches slipped from his hands,Before he could fall, I ran forward and caught him.
He tried to speak again, voice barely a breath.
"Why..."
I pressed my trembling hand over his lips, say a different sourav, a sourav how isn't just to answer my every stupid question unbothered , but a sourav demanding resons,
That moment every single layer of wall started to break alone my thoughts,
"Because I loved you"
"Because I loved you every single moment you thought I didn't," tears now running down my cheeks.
"Because I loved you when you smiled, and even when you forgot me."
"Because I loved you even when I walked away."
"Because I loved you when I told myself to stop."
"Because I loved you when I waited... even after the world moved on."
My voice broke
"Because I never knew how not to love you"
He lifted his eyes,glassy, weak,but there was something in them again.
Something that looked like peace,he tried to stand, i held him, but somehow, he found strength enough to pull me into his arms his hold was tight, desperate, trembling.
"Please mou please, i can't , i can't bare this anymore",He whispered.
And then
the night sky bloomed, fireworks of newyear burst open in far sky, flooding the dark with color.
The sound was distant, echoing against his heartbeat.
My right ear rested against his chest, where I could still feel it,faint, fragile, but alive.
My left ear was covered by his palm, trembling against my face.
Through the blur of tears, the fireworks looked like stars falling from heaven, slow and tender.
Far, yet close, and warm....soo warm.
For that moment, everything stood still.
The world, the pain, the time..
all silent,except for the soft beat beneath my ear.
"Warm....soo warm"