You'd think that if a prisoner, let alone two prisoners, could escape a prison, let alone a maximum security prison, you'd think these two prisoners were at least of average intelligence, or maybe they were pretty smart, or hell, they were two of the smartest people in the world. Or at least they had something resembling a plan. But no. This escape, this stupid, degrading, braincell-killing pathetic excuse of an escape was actually successful. Successful I tell you. This escape, by two of the dumbest of the dumbasses on the planet, in a place with more security than a maximum-security prison, with no plan whatsoever, actually fucking worked. God, at least make it make sense, for fuck's sake. Now, if you think your sanity won't go extinct seeing these two dumbasses think they are actually good at escaping, be my guest.
So here we are, midnight the day of David humbled Homeless Man and the mentally unstable Richard, in the eyes of everyone except Homeless Man and Richard, of course. These two decided they had enough of life in the Wish.com Ghetto, which we all know by now is because they can't be delusional dumbfucks there. And they were going to try an escape. Which had no chance to success to anyone but them.
So how was the escape supposed to work? I do not fucking know. All I know is that it's gonna be the first ever escape 100% dependent on luck. God please don't let those bums have any luck at all. Well, I just realized, at least they have a plan for if the escape somehow works. So, what they're gonna do is use some of the most obviously forged documents in world history. So, there was bank transfer documents, and if they were actually processed, Homeless Man would get the house, car, and assets of Jamal, a family man in the Hood of Los Angeles with a wife and 3 kids with a job and actual defense skills, and Richard would get the house, car, and assets of Jose "One Bullet Escobar", leader of The Death Note, the most powerful gang in all of the Hood of Los Angeles, and God knows the shit he'd do to Richard if he caught his pathetic ass in his house. And how the fuck was that supposed to do shit? Well, my friends, let me introduce you to the world of the internet and long-distance calls, where you can pretend to be anyone or anything, access millions of resources, including learning online, watching videos, playing games, and use the power of social media to look successful at least somewhere. Or in these case, dial the Real Hood Bank in the Hood of Los Angeles, luck out and get some naive dumbass on the phone, create digital copies of the papers, e-mail those forged papers, which mind you, look like a limbless, mouthless, deaf, blind, mute braindead newborn could have forged them better, and, in some logic-bending way get approved and be put in effect at any time desired, without any further verification. Hell, no extra verification, no forgery checks, hell, not even a fucking second glance at the papers. Just straight up approved in record time while simultaneously having made a clear decision and being certain of it.
Fine, I'll shut the fuck up, and we'll go into this pile of stupidity.
So, let's see. Richard goes to Homeless Man's dog bed. Richard wakes Homeless Man up by screaming "YYFDUVUTDUVBIUGFDCYVHBJILUHOGIYFDV" into Homeless Man's ear. Homeless Man wakes up. Richard and Homeless Man start whispering to each other, probably being delusional white simultaneously praying that no one is near them so they don't get whooped back to reality. Then Richard shows Homeless Man a broken lockpick with a fucking expiration date. Then finally, they try to do something, and that something in question was hop on one foot. Right into a big, buff, security guard with 30 years of experience. Finally. Maybe I won't have to experience Homeless Man's stupidity any longer.
Richard: "FLPFLPFLFPLFPFLFPLFPLFPFLPFPLFP"
Security Guard: "I didn't understand a single world that cam out of the asshole you call your mouth. Now, both of you, get your dumb bitch asses back to the cell before I whip out the lightning rod."
Homeless Man and Richard: " FBEUOGTEFDVDPEGYECDSISYUYGSVEIEUIGRVDJIDPUEVEDOEUIEUGDNDMPEIENEODNIKJOKDIOKDNBEYTEFVDGBDIPJEBEYGDHNDBOEGLDJBNBJVSCFYS-"
And the security guard dropped dead. Most likely from becoming braindead because of the extreme brain damage that Homeless Man and Richard inflicted on the poor guy. It was so severe that the man's brain was decomposing. Oh, wait... FUCK. Now we have to suffer from even more stupidity, and I'm at the center of it all. Again, God, what did I do to deserve this level of suffering, pain, and especially brain damage?
There were more guards that could've stopped the two, and each time, either Homeless Man or Richard, mostly Richard, inflicted some insane levels of brain damage on the guards to stop them. Think about like seeing Magikarp and Slowpoke utterly destroying either Areceus or Metagross in an instant in a fight. I'll go ahead and list the causes of death of those who tried to stop Homeless Man and Richard.
SECURITY GUARD #2:
Cause of Death: Homeless Man took a tattered, discolored rubber band, put it over his neck and started flexing it like it was worth a hundred fucking diamond chains and another hundred platinum chains. Yes, reader, this senile dumbfuck really just did flex a motherfucking tattered, discolored rubber band. Homeless Man's flex was so stupid the guard's brain ACTUALLY killed itself, at which point the guard dropped dead. That's all I have to say.
SECURITY GUARD #3:
Cause of Death: Richard started licking the lockpick with an expiration date, which had poison on it and then started licking the guard, at which point the poison somehow got to the guard's brain, which cause the guard's brain to melt and declare him legally dead.
Personal Message to God: If you actually cared about your people, you would've let the guard survive and Richard die, because the guard actually contributes something meaningful to this world.
SECURITY GUARD #4:
Cause of Death: Richard repeatedly screamed "YOU WILL DIE" at the guard, causing his brain to give up and get declared legally dead.
SECURITY GUARD #5:
Cause of Death: Last, but no way in hell least, Richard just sat down on the floor 15 feet from the guard crisscross applesauce like a little kid in kindergarten during storytime, which, by the way, he is about as old as a kindergartner mentally, started cosplaying as a notebook, then screamed he was getting stabbed by a blunt pencil. Richard then curled up, pretending to be a bowling ball, then Homeless Man pushed Richard, who was now pretending to be a green shell from Mario Kart, and Richard rolled into the guard so hard (Shit, I rhymed) that the guard's brain spontaneously combusted and froze itself. Legend has it his brain's remains (Shit, I rhymed again) were ate for dinner by a family on the run with loan sharks after them, probably because of Tony. The kids screamed with joy because they thought they'd get to eat ice cream.
Now we have to witness Homeless Man and Richard bring their stupidity back to the real world, or is there one last hope? I don't think so, goddamn it.
So, Homeless Man and Richard are about to get past the "walls" drawn with Crayola that kept those being held captive.
"What the hell do you two nitwits think you're doing?"
Oh, wait, there's hope for the nation's sanity to come back.
THANK. GOD. You finally came back to reality to save every one of us.
Homeless Man: "C'mon, Sarah, mommy, don't be ridiculous. Are you wi-fi? Because I'm feeling a connection."
Oh. MY. FUCKING. GOD. Of course Tony took a pickup line straight off the fucking internet. And yeah, that's Sarah the police officer trying to stop them.
Sarah: "Get the fuck back in your cage, because you look like the type of guy to go apeshit when one little thing doesn't go his way.
Homeless Man: "C'mon, stop being so stubborn. I'd do you more right than everyone else combined and you know it. Remember when we were high school sweethearts? It was the best time of our lives."
Sarah: "Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night."
So, reader, if you're wondering what bullshit Tony's high on, we gotta go back to when Tony was in high school, senior year.
(A breather because this is probably very traumatic)
There was this one girl Tony (I'm back to calling him Tony for now) would have probably sacrificed a country to marry, with a course, a martial agreement that would give all of Sarah's assets to Tony if she even thought of divorce. The thing was, Sarah already had a boyfriend who was named DeMarcus, and they were happy. Now comes Tony to destroy everyone's happiness but his own. First, during math class, he demanded DeMarcus break up with Sarah so he could be her boyfriend, and when DeMarcus refused, because he wasn't a coward, he got a fucking protractor and choked DeMarcus to death with it. The police and DeMarcus's parents were forced to pretend everything was okay because Tony's dad somehow got ownership of all their organs. Now that DeMarcus was a dead man, Tony went up to Sarah, and when he failed to seduce her, he threatened to make her whole family unemployed, then subsequently homeless if he didn't become his and girlfriend and marry him immediately after they turned 18. No, Tony didn't do anything, way, way too stupid because he had something resembling intelligence before the "Loan Shark Incident". Sarah tried to refuse him, who was also no coward, but her parents threatened her too. Said she was no longer their daughter if she didn't blindly worship Tony and suck off of him. To be just a teeny, tiny bit fair to them, they'd just made it out of poverty last month. But still, how cowardly for parents who were supposed to protect their kid.
To the surprise of absolutely nobody, Tony was the most abusive boyfriend in the world, and exploited his family's power and wealth every day, every hour, fuck it, every millisecond. At the hands of Tony, against her free will, Sarah was abused in every way you could possibly think. She suffered abuse psychically by Tony beating her every day with his belt until she said "You're the realest man ever" 100 times. She suffered abuse verbally by Tony for not wanting to be with him every single millisecond of the day, calling her stupid, fat, lazy, basically every bad stereotype for a woman who could think of. He even called her a whore and a sl-t (it's so fucking bad I don't wanna say it uncensored. She suffered abuse emotionally and psychologically, by Tony stealing her valuables then gaslighting her into thinking they were never stolen and they were just lost, isolating her from all her friends because he wanted her to dedicate all her time and energy to her, and constantly making empty threats against her to make sure he still felt in control. In short, Tony was such an abusive boyfriend you could only imagine him as a husband.
You'd think at this point, Sarah would've given up and accepted the endless cycle of abuse. After all, no one could even say she was a pussy for staying because Tony had gotten too powerful. But Sarah wasn't like her parents. She wasn't about to just let Tony take over her entire life. And the school would see that at senior Prom.
And...
(FLASHBACK: Senior Prom)
Around 6:00: Tony walks into prom wearing designer clothes that could rival an average African country's net worth, including a suit that looked like an entire species of exotic animals were killed to make it.
6:30: Prom starts
And what y'all were waiting for.
DJ: (getting on the microphone) ...but before we kick this thing off, we got a "Lovebirds Special Message". From Sarah Johnson, to Tony Stevenson.
Tony was salivating now. He'd beat Sarah into paying $1000 for one of those, and now he thought she was practicing verbal dick-riding for all to see. Except Sarah wasn't playing Tony's little dumb game.
(Message starts to play)
Sarah: "Well, Tony Davis Stevenson, your little insecure bitch ass tried to keep me under your grip to feel better about yourself, but just like you're a failure at life, you were a failure at forever maintaining control over me."
Tony was so pissed off he was clutching his belt buckle, about to take off his belt, run to wherever Sarah and her parents were and choke them all with his belt.
Sarah: "And if you thought I was going to be a little pussy and end there, fuck no. There's more of your insecurities that are making you power-hungry, and you knew even someone who weighed an entire building with a crippling gambling, alcohol, and drug addiction would steal me from you in record time, so your little dumb pussy bitch ass did everything and anything you could to feel like you were worth something and in control. You abused me in every way possible, and you've shown me exactly why no kid willingly befriends you. Now, finally, it's objectively true, and you can't deny it, you should go kill yourself. Fuck you and your enabling pathetic excuses of parents."
This is the most objectively true thing that has ever been addressed to Tony ever. And no, Sarah did nothing wrong, because Tony is the shittiest person to ever live. Fine, I suppose Sarah shouldn't have told Tony to kill himself, but almost no one in Suburban Los Angeles would think that. And, if you were with him from more than 10 seconds, that would be definitely be the first thing you'd want to tell him.
And apparently, the message came with a song too.
Speaker: "A scrub is a guy that thinks he's fly"
Is that the song Sarah dedicated to Tony's sorry ass?
(A bit later)
Speaker: "I don't want no scrub, a scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me, hanging out the passenger side of his best friend's ride trying to holler at me-"
HOLY FUCK. SARAH JUST GAVE TONY THE ULTIMATE HUMBLING WITH NO SCRUBS BY TLC. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY FUCKING LIFE.
That's what I was thinking when it actually happened.
But yeah, Tony was humiliated as fuck. He just stood there red in the face for 3 minutes before a security guard booted him out for being "too pathetic".
And what made this even worse for Tony is the fact that the Prom humiliation was literally the day before his parents got killed. Yeah, the assassination of Tony's parents happened the day after Sarah humbled Tony's little bitch ass.
But before we go back to the present, if you're wondering how Sarah got here, let me tell you. After Prom, Sarah knew her parents would be the living shit out of her for making her own goddamn choices, so she hopped on a flight to Chicago and actually got there. She practiced therapy for about 10 years and she actually made a living off it, mostly talking to people who just watched the Chicago Bears play football. (The author EyesOfVengeance: If you know, you know) But a few years ago, a bank agent went to Chicago and dragged Sarah back to Suburban Los Angeles because her parents thought it'd be a great idea to drag their daughter back to Suburban Los Angeles for the sake of reputation by taking a $500,000 loan in her name with her details then not paying a single cent for 16 months. Fortunately for Sarah, she was able to get a restraining order from both her parents because they wanted control, specifically financial control over her, not an actual relationship. And that's how she works for the LAPD now.
And... back to the prison escape that would cause the world's collective IQ to split in half if it somehow worked.
Tony was still hurling pickup lines at Sarah that were copy-pasted straight off the first page of search results for "Best pickup lines". Then, the words that would let this escape succeed came out of Sarah's mouth.
"Fuck no", which came immediately after Homeless Man (now that we're back to the present, I'm calling him Homeless Man again) told her yet another pickup line straight off the internet. Then, Homeless Man revealed a box of sleeping pills that got smuggled across the Wish.com Ghetto and he shoved them one-by-one up Sarah's throat, and before long, Sarah became the first test subject from human hibernation. In the end, Homeless Man and Richard escaped the Wish.com Ghetto (it did take all of Tony's willpower to not take Sarah with him though) and their stupidity was now exposed to the whole world, and, well, at least Homeless Man didn't drug Sarah with piss-infused vape juice. At least the drugging resembled something of an event making sense.
Now these two dumbasses were on the loose, and apparently, the stupidity was deadly as fuck, because no one was able to stop these bums. In fact, when a man called the LAPD to report the two idiots on the loose, whoever officer the guy was calling learned of such idiocy that his reading level dropped ten grades.
So, what did these two hooligans do with their new freedom? They decided to squat in an unsold home where they'd be staying for the night. The next day, Homeless Man would get everything Jamal owns and Richard would get everything One Bullet owns. Oh god, no one's brain is safe anymore.