Yeah, enough of this "government officials" bullshit, you're not escaping the main part of the story to begin with: The Re4lDe4l. Yeah, I know, it was fun while it lasted, so blissful and shit, but like all good things, it must come to an end.
So, if you've been living under a rock, The Re4lDe4l is this bunch of white, suburban, wannabe thugs who consistently plummet expectations, tactically nuke the sanity of others, inventing new levels of being demented, and just being a stain on the universe in general. They were led by Cleveland Davis III, Richard, and our biggest failure at life: Tony Davis Stevenson. Otherwise known as Homeless Man
So you can have a fresh, new reminder of what these crackheads did while we stopped covering them so your braincells could rehabilitate, because they sure as fuck needed the rest, I just know that, here's what the members did to split the world's combined IQ in half repeatedly.
So you can witness a gradual increase for preparedness, we'll start with the calmest: Definitely very dumb, but they'll be absolutely nothing compared to what you'll witness, trust.
(For now, all noted incidents are the only ones that have took place)
JED:
Noted Incidents:
1. Trying to save a stuffed bunny trapped inside a ditch with a charger (It looked similar enough to rope, at least according to Jed)
2. Replacing the engine of the Re4lDe4l's cardboard car with an empty plastic water bottle (To be fair, a cardboard engine wouldn't have worked any better.
Yes, only 2 incidents in 4 days. Don't worry, the rest of the gang took care of that.
BRADLEY:
Noted Incidents:
1. Replacing the roof of an unsuspecting neighbor's house with a pillow (The original roof was 'unsafe', allegedly)
2. Hacking a physical window (His dumbass thought it was a computer
3. Holding an archery lesson outside of a Target (the name says it all)
BENJINAM:
Trying to sail across the roof of an Amazon warehouse with a Styrofoam tray as the boat and a mop as an oar ("Hear me out, I row across the Amazon river" - Benjinam, June 2023)
Later that day, he got confronted at a restaurant by a retired veteran for using his welfare money to buy skins in Raid: Shadow Legends. When things became too much for Benjinam's feelings, he stole a waiter's pen and pulled it on the veteran. The veteran ending up laughing his ass off so hard Bejinam stormed off angrily, crying "disrepect" (As for why he thought threatening the veteran with a pen would be a bright idea, the pen looked like a RPG, at least according to Benjinam)
Last and certainly not least in terms of how many braincells were sacrificed for this to be made possible, Benjinam begrudgingly decided to call it a day after all the humiliation he suffered at the hands of his own lack of intelligence, and walked by a homeless woman trying to sleep under the bench before it got equipped with spikes, with a blanket covering her. Benjinam, wanting to be "charitable" (I'm surprised he can even comprehend that words could have that many letters) decided to swap the woman's blanket, not for a heavier one, or for a better quality one, but instead for a blank piece of lined paper (The internal logic was that both a piece of paper and a blanket were rectangular, so they were the same thing, right? RIGHT? RI- FUCK NAH-)
Moving on (Also, going forward, now all noted incidents might or might not be all that went down with said member):
EDGAR:
He decided he wanted to try introducing himself to his neighbors by having some "quality time", which was probably smarter than all of The Re4lDe4l's previous ideas for anything combined. So, he knocked on the door of an elderly, retired couple and offered to take them camping and offered to cover all the supplies. They agreed. However, on the day they were supposed to go camping, when they got to the campsite, all Edgar had were two folders (He thought the folders were the same thing as the tents because they looked the same)
Another day, he tried to help with construction workers... by stacking two cardboard boxes on top of each other (He called it a building)
He thought he could fly through the wind and tried it (Enough said)
He took a shower underneath the ocean (He only knew that a shower involved water)
PHILIP:
Went onto the DraftKings app to join the military (he assumed 'Draft' always means 'military draft)
At the local community college, he did a presentation on "Proof The Twitter Bird Is An Endangered Species". His two main arguments were "There is only one Twitter bird" and "Its current whereabouts are unknown" (According to him, fictional mascots are real1)
He placed $2000 on the BET (Black Entertainment Television) website (If you wonder why he did it, refer to the name of the website)
Also, he called YouTube Customer Support trying to book a plumbing job (Tube = plumbing)
Let's get over to the next person:
DAVIS:
Telling a bunch of preschoolers Google Slides was a national park (Process Of Thought: Some parks have playgrounds, playground have slides, so Google Slides must be a national park. Period.)
Going to the public library and asking the librarian how to check out Facebook (Anything with book in it should be in a library, according to Davis)
Later, he took a trip to the dentist's office. When the dentist asked why he was there, he claimed he had Bluetooth (He actually thought Bluetooth was a toothache symptom)
And to top it all off, he sent a letter to the Supreme Court, claiming they should make Discord (the app) a historical site ("Paul Revere went through Discord" - Davis. [For the record, he confused Discord for Concord])
HERBERT:
- tried to hire a mason at Walmart (Walmart sounds like Wall-mart)
- went to Starbucks to invent a new currency (he heard 'bucks' and automatically assumed money was involved)
- at The Home Depot, he tried to hire a real estate agent (he assumed The Home Depot sold actual homes)
- that same day, he got caught trying to steal one jalapeno from Chili's (even he couldn't make up any logic for that one)
- and finally, he showed up at a PetSmart trying to buy a Kit-Kat (he really thought a Kit-Kat was a cat breed🥀🥀🥀)
And before some nerd-emoji lookin' ass smartass says "aCtUaLlY, yOu'Re NoT uSiNg A cOnSiStEnT sTrUcTuRe", the author making some parts on the Google Docs at his school, okay? Of course everything isn't gonna be the same all the time.
(P.S. Although Homeless Man's Banished Conscience, the narrator of the story does mind someone saying this, the author, ATrashCan does not. He loves all of you readers equally 😊☺️☺️)
And now onto our next contestant:
JEB:
- Jeb decided to do "something productive". That "something productive" in question was to hop on Wikipedia, search up the page for "Haagen-Dazs", click 'Edit', delete everything, and type in "Haagen-Dazs is a German philosopher". Yeah, another one even the perpetrator did NOT have any logic, no matter how deranged or twisted said logic was.
- After that, a future traumatized woman caught Jeb trying to force-feed a random passerby a Blackberry phone (It has 'Berry' in its name, it must be food, right?) [Until further notice, parentheses, the including the previous set, are the member's inner thoughts)
- Later, he went to a Subway restaurant to book a subway ticker (I'm going to Subway, to ride a subway, of course. And while I'm at it, maybe I'll play some Subway Surfers in real life[Homeless Man's Banished Conscience really wishes you would])
- At a race, he tried to track racers' time with TikTok (Clocks sound like 'Tick-tock')
- Then, he went onto Hacker News and tried to sue them for "not having tutorials on how to hack others" (It's news for hackers, they should teach how to hack)
And before the worst five:
BERT:
- In public, he claimed to a bunch of renowned scientists that GitLab is a top laboratory (It's a science laboratory, I shouldn't even have to explain why)
- He hijacked The Weather Channel, I don't know how he was even able to comprehend that 'The' could possibly be a word. Then, he screamed "EVERYONE HIDE FROM CLOUDFLARE, IT IS A DANGEROUS TYPE OF CLOUD" [For context, I'm talking about the CloudFlare web service provider] (Flare is similar to fire, so CloudFlare is a cloud on fire, and fire is dangerous)
- Later, he went onto the DuckDuckGo web browser and placed $1000 on the browser. The next day, when he checked his bank account and saw he had -$1000.01 as his balance, he filed a support ticket, which read as follows:
"Yesterday, I went onto your so-called "duck race betting" website [He completely fabricated said claim]. I placed $1000 on Squeaky [A duck name he made up himself]. I opened my bank account today, knowing Squeaky won [I CALL []-], waiting to see a balance of $999.99, but instead it read -$1000.01. I am deeply disappointed by this waste of space's pure incompetence, and I will ensure you will pay."
DuckDuckGo Customer Support simply responded with "LMAO YOU DESERVED EVERYTHING BOZO"
(The "Wise" Words of Bert: Sometimes, they say 'go' during races, and it's called "DuckDuckGo", it means duck racing. Period.
- After whatever that [] was, he outdid himself by logging web activity onto the TripAdvisor and searched up "what is the best way to fall". (To trip is to fall, and an advisor helps people.)
- And finally, Bert decided to "kick off his mountain climbing career" by climbing "two mountains". Those two "mountains" turned out the be NordVPN and Codeburg, which were just apps. (They look like mountains, therefore they are- [Insert Peter Griffin "YOU STUPID-" sound effect])
And now, onto our most pathetic five [I'm making each noted incident as short as possible for the sake of your will to live. Also, from now on, noted incidents are not the only incidents that occured. A percentage marker will represent how much of incident was recorded]:
#5: ELIAS:
50% incidents recorded
- Squatting at a Pizza Hut [He thought it was a house]
- Enrolling at A&W [He thought it was a college]
- Using a bottle of Gatorade as alligator feed (It has "gator" in it)
- Using an old camera trying to "magnify" something
- Calling the FBI on a sailor [because the sail was triangular-shaped]
- Lastly, stealing a car wheel for a merry-go-round
Told ya it'd be quick:
Anyways,
#4: WEEB:
38.9% incidents reported
- He got kicked out of a sushi restaurant after crashing out on the staff because they said he couldn't order Crunchyroll [He thought it was a new sushi roll]
- He went to the cops and filed a missing police report on three people: But they weren't real. They were the mascots Quaker, Green Giant, and Hamburger Helper
- He filed a petition to the Supreme Court to rename El Paso, Texas "New El Paso" after discovering the brand El Paso.
- He tried to ride a piggy bank
- He called 911 on a kid in a Power Wheels in their mom's backyard
- He emailed every school district in Greece telling them Opera was a website used to cheat on Greek tests.
- He called 911 (again) on Anthropic for "kidnapping Claude"
#3: CLEVELAND:
23.5% incidents reported
He:
- Checked his Wi-Fi signal on RSS [merely because it had a logo that looked like the WiFi signal.
- Tried to mine diamonds on Digg
- Using DoorDash to learn how to ding-dong-ditch
- Tried to ride a plastic, miniature toy horse
- Called YouTube asking how to submit music for their plumbers' playlists on YouTube Music
- Went on Kahoot to try filling a job application for Hooters (Unironically, he'd love to rock one of those Hooters outfits)
- Then, he tried to stop a jogger for "speeding" and "having no driver's license)
#2: RICHARD:
14.8% incidents reported
He:
- Tried to find a greenhouse at Olive Garden
- Went to IHOP to purchase an electronically-powered Apple-branded kangaroo
- Tried to hike at a Mountain's Mike
- Tried to find a handle at a Jack In The Box location
- Went to a restaurant so he could spazz out under the table
- Tried to fix a broken lightbulb with a lighter
- Called the Marine Forces on a toy shark inside a Walmart
- Laid tile with 20 marbles
- Went to the doctor and cited "Twitch" [as in the streaming platform] as a sign of being all
And now the most pathetic one of them all:
#1: TONY "HOMELESS MAN" STEVENSON:
.0034% incidents reported:
He:
- Talked to the Angry Birds app on the App Store trying to "calm them down"
- Wondering why they didn't have surfboards in Subway Surfers [while planning to play Subway Surfers in real life. Homeless Man's Banished Conscience also really wishes you would]
- Bought Roblox for the Xbox because he wanted building blocks
- Got a restraining order from being within 200 miles of any Dollar Tree after he got caught in 4K pouring water on the roof
- Bitched out a guy because he said "I have a Samsung phone". He was bitching and bitching about using the "wrong tense" and whatever dumb shit he was blabbering about while sounding more hammered than a guy who downed 10 2-liter bottles of beer in 10 minutes
- Claimed Firefox [the web browser] is an ongoing wildfire in a forest
- Sued Scratch [as in the block coding platform] for... injuring him? [The cat canNOT injure you vro🥀🥀🥀) Safe to say, one of Scratch's lawyers died after choking from laughter, so I guess achieved his goal of negatively impacting Scratch🤷 [Wait, ah fuck, he's doing things successfully.] [Insert 'Oh shit, not good' sound effect']
- Drove around trying to find the Adobe Acrobat circus
- And finally, he called Animal Control on Peacock [in reference to the streaming platform
[Also, parentheses do not represent member's inner thoughts anymore]
There you have it, just some of the braindead stuff The Re4lDe4l did while Jones was trying to fuck over all of McDonald's Island for you degenerates' entertainment. Now let's actually get to this fight, which will probably end up Mickey Mousing its way into The Death Note getting absolute BTA from The Re4lDe4l.
But then, before we get to that, we need The Re4lDe4l to show up for once instead of being a shit-ton of cowards. But just like all things in life, it won't be easy. But (insert Plankton 'I GET IT ALREADY-' sound effect) like all things in life, it will find a way.
So from all the details I could gather, the fight between The Re4De4l and The Death Note would be held on 12:00 PM on July 4th (It was originally 6:00 PM, but the owner of TNT Fireworks got ahold of Gus Jackson's (who owns The Ring, where the two gangs would fight) search history, and Gus Jackson's face went ghost white as he realized he forgot to use Incognito Mode). It would just be bare hands, no such thing as Glocks or knives here. The winner would have their fate decided by a spectator (The only thing off-limits would be for the winners to get killed or hurt, so they could technically get dissolved, but they would be able to get a favor out of the loser.). That's all I could get off the deep web. Thank God I'm just a conscience and not a real person, so the CIA can't raid my house (Foreshadowing?).
Now it was 8:00 in the morning, and two CIA officials were standing outside of The Re4lDe4l's little cardboard mansion (They could've destroyed the mansion, but after "The Gasoline Incident", they were deterred from taking that course of action), preparing to drag The Re4lDe4l members out of that shit. Homeless Man had violated the contract (he signed off with red crayon because he thought it was a coloring book), and they weren't gonna let him or any member weasel out of it (Besides, one of the officials wagered his wife's life insurance policy The Re4lDe4l would show up and get tactically nuked).
As compensation for The Re4lDe4l wasting their highly valuable time, Gus Jackson handed each Death Note member a gram of hard drugs, a bottle of Fireball, and $10,000 in MGM Grand credits. (Less than 2 seconds after, Travis managed to blow it all on slots)
However, the driver had to leave to torture Bert in public because he replaced all the gas with expired honey. But first, it wasn't actually Bert he took out. It was a mannequin. And second, Richard decided that the bus was his new vehicle.
But then, One Bullet got Homeless Man's number and texted him a bunch of images with a message: "Surrender. I just claimed infinite blackmail against you."
While Homeless Man was frantically trying to put the Photoshop watermark on everything, Richard somehow jacked the ignition (which also multiplied its speed limit by 10, it was previously 80) and got going.
At 5:00 PM, the CIA realized what was going on but there wasn't shit they could do about it. Their CEO ordered them to raid that bunker Jones was keeping Buck in, so Richard was free to do whatever dumb shit he wanted. Oh, and the CIA officials were required by law to give rescuing King their full attention, so there was actually nothing they could do about The Re4lDe4l situation.
Meanhwile, Richard somehow got onto the freeway, than started doing donuts with the bus on the freeway. The bus was spinning like a helicopter, and started sending every car it made contact with into the atmosphere. Legends say a Ford F150 and Toyota Corolla were located were located in Azerbaijan and Sierre Leone respecively. But by some miracle of God (and I say that this might finally be what does it for these Re4lDe4l bums), Richard flew into The Ring's parking lot and parked perfectly in one of the spots. When Gus Jackson (a former street-fighter and gang violence advocate) heard the commotion, he called over all his staff and one by one, they started getting out Re4lDe4l members from the bus and put them on their side on the arena.
Gus Jackson: "But one thing before we get shit going... okay, maybe two things. So, if TNT Fireworks goes around claiming they have my search history, they typed it themselves on Google Docs, but are there any Re4lDe4l fans here?"
The half of the stadium directly staring down on The Re4lDe4l raised their hands sky-high and started shouting "Me! Me! Me!" But was that about to become the biggest mistake of their lives?
Gus Jackson: (overly cheerful) "So a lot of Re4lDe4l supporters we got in this building, huh? Well, I got a big prize for y'all. It's... (voice suddenly drops, now low, cold, and very, very, very menacing) a one-way ticket to see the Lord and Jesus."
A few people realized what he really meant and tried to make a run for it, but ol' mean and evil Gus wasn't gonna let them slide out just like that.
Gus Jackson: (pulls out his RPG, an actual missile launcher and not the pen one of The Re4lDe4l members tried using, and starts firing into the crowd, laughing maniacally, not caring he was obliterating half of the seats in his stadium) "Hah, just taking care of them." (announces) "Now may the fight begin!"
The fist-fight just started, but then, a streaker, a middle-aged man wearing a pink tutu reeking of beer starting running throughout the arena, screaming keyboard spam at the top of his lungs, at decibel levels though unreachable too, even deafening a couple of poor spectators. Fortunately for the highly incompetent security guards who only applied for drug money, One Bullet landed a knock-out square in the streaker's face and security was able to put bro on the grill to "beef up our fighters". (Translation: "We're burning bro at the stake")
Again, the fight was about to start, but then a guy only known as Unclassified Hitman (yes, he was a real hitman) got pushed into the arena by some rowdy fans and was instantly asked who he wanted to join. Both sides fought for him but he chose The Death Note in a heartbeat. Smart man. Very smart man.
To make sure the fight could actually start this time, he made One Bullet and Homeless Man each try to punch each other once. Homeless Man ended up punching the air (Shocker). What was a shocker, though, was for the first time in his life, One Bullet ended up missing a punch, just a little off Homeless Man's right cheek. Aaliyah, One Bullet's girlfriend threatened to get a divorce and take their (non-existent, One Bullet uses protection) kids with her.
After that went through smoothly, Gus Jackson announced the fight would start, but just as he finished that statement, another person broke into the arena (AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY).
It was Em Cordona, yes, that real estate agent from Chapter 9 I think, looking to get the $6,942,069,420 (it was just enough to pay off half her student loans) bounty for killing and turning in The Homeless Man to a small criminal organization, but Gus Jackson was hella pissed by then from all the disruptions and he wasn't going to let her be another one.
Gus Jackson: (placing himself in front of Em, refusing to move) "Now there, you dumb blonde, you don't just get to walk on the ground I made struggling taxpayers pay for as if you own everything in the world-"
But Em didn't care. She just walked right past Gus, heels ruining the concrete (she thought wearing high heels instead of boots would make her look more intimidating, or at least more professional. She was wrong objectively) as if he meant absolutely nothing, which was true, at least to her, and approached Homeless Man.
Homeless Man: (visibly salivates at the sight of Em, and starts salivating even harder when she realizes she's wearing the exact same outfit, minus the boots for high heels swap the day he tried to seduce her) "Baby, I knew you'd come to your senses-"
Em Cordona: "Fuck no, I just came here to give you exactly what you deserve." (hands move to her belt buckle, preparing to go full WWE on Homeless Man)
But Gus himself tackled Em to the ground, wrestled her to the ground, but only because he knew that if he let her beat his ass, Homeless Man would be too butt-sore (although I'm sure he'd love it) to even stand, let alone fight. Eventually, he and two other started to drag Em out, whilst she was screaming about her "rights" and threatening to cry assault (You know what kind of assault I'm talking about). (Nobody knew, but as a side note, she has yet to sell the Garrett-27 house, and if she doesn't by today, her family would go homeless. Not that she doesn't deserve it)
Now once Gus was sure this time the fight could go interrupted, he announced it, and this time, the members of The Re4lDe4l and The Death Note and were able to start throwing hands.
Oh wait, yes, yet again (RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH), shit got interrupted, because some mediocre suburban citizen named Mr. Chris Fowler (yes, that guy married to the hoe named Jennie) decided to get through the back door (the guard ran for some Diet Coke that was definitely not liquid) and lunges right at Homeless Man, holding a Magnum .22 Revolver right up his skull.
Mr. Fowler: (gripping at Homeless Man's skull seething) "FIRST MY HOE EX BLEEDS ME DRY AFTER PLOWING THE JUDGE AND NOW YOU MAKE ME LOSE MY PARLAY BECAUSE I BET YOUR GANG WOULDN'T SHOW UP, AND YOU'RE GONNA PAY-"
Homeless Man: "Only if you do it up my butt-"
Homeless Man didn't need to finish that sentence. Mr. Fowler dropped his revolver and cringed to death, while Gus stomped on the revolver and buried him in the concrete.
Now once Gus was sure this time the fight could go interrupted, he announced it, and this time, the members of The Re4lDe4l and The Death Note and were able to start throwing hands. (Did I repeat the exact same thing a while back? Yes. Did I ask? ..... FUCK NAH-)
Jonas striked first, getting a first-try knockout on Bert, who was trying to snort some sand on the concrete.
Next ones up were Jed and Jeb, who went up against Darrell, only to both get clocked in one hit by Darrell.
Then Byron punched Weeb square in the face so hard the referee (who didn't stop his TikTok doomscrolling until just now) thought for sure Weeb got slept (if ykyk, refer to Grox's "1000000 Villager MANHUNT"), but he got right back up like nothing happened (Dammit, it was the first step in the right direction)
Now the fight was in full effect. Punches were getting thrown all around. Some guys were running, half because they were cowards, half to catch their breath. The entire crowd (all in favor of The Death Note, remember the thing Gus did to The Re4lDe4l's supporters?) was cheering deafeningly loud, thinking that The Re4lDe4l would finally, FINALLY, be no more (And I thought so too)
Gus Jackson watched the fight, but had to exit halfway because he needed to take a smoke.
(6 HOURS LATER)
After finishing that one smoke (It was still sunlight, since it was the summer), he strolled back into the arena and realized he missed that ending. Sure, probably a lot of people recorded it (It was airing live for the nation to see on HBO), but it would take a lot of quote-on-quote "strong encouragement" to get the recording for himself.
So, he approached one of the guards, who was estimating it would half an hour for the dust to clear. Only those in the stands knew how it all ended. Okay, the guard Gus approached also did, but he was required by law not to tell the details (Besides, Kamala knew where he lived). But after Gus offered him some of his stash, the guard finally got talking.
Guard: "Well, I guess I'll tell you what kind of shit went down, and let me tell you, there's good news and bad news."
Gus: "Just tell me already"
Guard: "Well, to start things off... I want to tell you that both gangs saw at least one fatality."'
Gus: "Eh, reasonable, maybe one of those Death Note guys got collateral on one of their own by accident. Anyway, tell me the bad news already. Might as well rip the band-aid off."
Guard: "Well, if you insist..."
Guard told Gus what went down that caused bad news, and midway, Gus's face went white. I mean actual ghost white. How was he gonna tell his wife and their 3 kids they lost- Nevermind, irrelevant. Gus thought "Somebody pinch me, somebody, anybody, just pinch me. I know this must be a bad fever dream. Please, just somebody pinch me, I know I'm dreaming." But he knew he wasn't, and that was the moment reality dawned on him.
[No, I ain't tellin' ya what went down, beg really hard for a 2nd installment and maybe I'll tell ya. Yes, you're not gonna hear the bad news Guard told Gus but you're more than free to draw conclusions. See ya, or maybe not :)]