I have been in many terrible places since arriving in this world:
• a floating village,
• a smoking crater,
• a jail cell that actively judged me,
• a timeline where I was exploding in three directions at once.
But nothing—NOTHING—prepared me for a medieval courtroom full of angry wizards.
The courtroom looked like someone crossbred a church, a parliament hall, and a dungeon. Marble pillars. Holy banners. Magical detectors. A giant hammer labeled "SMITE."
The judge, an elderly man with eyebrows long enough to qualify as small animals, glared down from his high seat.
"Rion of the Void," he thundered, "you stand accused of catastrophic magical negligence."
I raised a hand. "In my defense, nitrogen is—"
"SILENCE."
My defense sat back down.
The Inquisitor stood beside me like a very intimidating lawyer. "Your Honor, I request leniency. The boy did not intend harm."
The prosecutor—a mage wearing so many medals he looked like a walking wind chime—slammed his staff.
"He DESTROYED half a meadow! He ATE a timeline! He SUMMONED A REAPER!"
I coughed politely. "To be clear, the reaper mostly summoned me."
"THAT MAKES IT WORSE!"
My life is unfair.
The judge lifted a hand. "Enough. Let the defendant speak."
I stepped forward.
Everyone leaned in.
I inhaled.
I exhaled.
I attempted to sound wise and composed.
"My lord," I began softly, "I am but a humble student—"
WHOOM.
The air around me shimmered.
My mana surged.
The room temperature jumped 10 degrees.
The judge squinted. "What are you doing?"
"I—uh—think I'm nervous?"
A system notification appeared with criminal timing:
My eyes widened.
"WAIT WAIT WAIT—STOP—"
FWOOOOOOOOSH
A transparent bubble of extremely pure oxygen bloomed around me like a slow-motion explosion.
Everyone inhaled at the same time.
Then—
Everyone instantly regretted inhaling at the same time.
The prosecutor's pupils dilated.The judge started hyperventilating.A row of knights swayed, gripping their chests.
Someone screamed, "THE AIR IS TOO CLEAN, I CAN FEEL MY LUNGS!"
Plants in the ornamental pots EXPLODED into flowers.The marble floor cracked.The banners turned unnervingly vibrant.
And the stone statue of Saint Velora—dead for 700 years—slowly stood up, stretched, and asked:
"WHERE AM I AND WHY DO I HAVE WINGS?"
I stared.
The courtroom stared.
The statue stared.
"I LITERALLY JUST WANTED TO BREATHE!" I shrieked.
The system chimed helpfully:
The judge, face redder than phosphorus, slammed his hammer so hard the table vaporized.
"RION OF THE VOID," he roared, "YOU HAVE COMMITTED—"
He inhaled my pure oxygen again.
He lit up like a glowstick and yelled:
"—YOU HAVE COMMITTED CARELESSNESS OF THE HIGHEST ORDER!"
I couldn't argue.
Even the Inquisitor whispered, horrified, "How… how did you resurrect a statue?"
I shrugged helplessly. "Carbon made life. Oxygen apparently makes afterlife?"
Then the resurrected statue flapped her marble wings.
Her halo glowed.
And she pointed at me with divine authority.
"BEHOLD!" she declared. "THE ELEMENTAL GOD HAS RETURNED!"
I facepalmed.
Of course.
Of course today was the day I accidentally started a religion.
The system chimed:
⁂⁂---⁂⁂---⁂⁂---⁂⁂
I swear to you, dear hypothetical reader, as my atoms realign themselves after being fired through three walls, I am trying to live a peaceful, responsible life.
But peace betrays me daily.
For example, right now.
Because the instant I land face-first in the gravel and cough up what I hope is not part of my soul, the System chooses to hit me with:
Great. Amazing. Stunning. I hate everything.
I push myself up, wobbling like a dehydrated noodle, and look back at the culprit:
Lila Seraphine Sunflare.Also known as: The Most Radiant Catastrophe Wearing Boots.
Her hair crackles with gold sparks, her eyes glow like twin suns, and her fists are still steaming from the punch that sent me into orbit-minus-one.
"Are you okay!?" she calls, sprinting over.
"I'm alive," I croak. "Unfortunately."
She stops, bows deeply, then says in the world's most earnest voice:"I apologize. My emotions ignited prematurely."
"Premature combustion happens to the best of us," I say, patting her shoulder like a traumatized uncle.
Before I can say anything else, the Void Orb—yes, the wiggly cosmic infant I may or may not have accidentally given semi-sentience—rolls up to us like a guilty Roomba.
"Bub," it says.
"Yes," I reply. "You did cause most of this."
"BUB."Now it sounds offended.
Lila kneels in front of it, amazed. "Rion… this is the entity you created?"
"Created is a strong word," I say. "I sneezed and reality got confused."
The Void Orb proudly changes color.To plaid.
"How— Why—" Lila starts, but can't finish.
Same, girl. Same.
Then the ground shakes.
Not the normal "angry earth spirit" type of shake.Not the "giant monster approaching" type either.
No.
It's the catastrophic System Notification Incoming rumble.
A huge window slams into existence above us:
• Creating self-aware matter accidentally
• Inventing emotions inside energy constructs
• Using Void Magic as a cooking tool
• Generating elemental phenomena without filing a planetary stability request
Penalty: Mandatory Guidance Quest issued.
"Guidance… quest?" I whisper.
Lila gasps. "A Guidance Quest?! Those are rare! Only the most dangerous— I mean… special—people receive them!"
The window expands:
The Void Orb starts spinning happily like a blender with no lid.
"BUB!!!"
Lila clasps her hands. "Rion! Congratulations! You're a father!"
"I am a WHAT!?"
AND THEN—
Because fate cannot allow me a single moment of stability—
Three hooded figures warp into existence around us in a burst of violet sparks.
Lila steps protectively in front of me. "Void Hunters!"
I blink. "Void WHAT?"
One of the hooded figures points a glowing staff at me.A deep, echoing voice declares:
"Rion Vale. You have illegally manifested:– Void Lifeforms– Void Constructs– And Worst Of All: Void Parenting PotentialYou are a threat to cosmic balance."
"Look, man," I say. "I can barely balance my breakfast."
The leader raises his staff. "Surrender the Void Child."
The Void Orb replies before I do.
By firing a laser.
A plaid laser.
The guy gets yeeted across the forest like a screaming comet.
The remaining hunters freeze.
I freeze.
Lila freezes.
Even the System freezes for a second.
The Void Orb wobbles proudly."BUB."
The System, finally recovering, pops up a message:
The two remaining hunters take one look at the chaos—
—and instantly teleport away.
Cowards. I respect that.
Lila whispers, "Rion… your child is terrifying."
"I know," I whisper back. "I love them so much."
A calm silence falls.
The Void Orb rolls onto my head like a hat.
Lila looks at me, cheeks faintly glowing. "So… um… do you need help with the Guidance Quest?"
I blink.I stare.I think.
And then—
I grin.
"Oh hell yes."