!You're Hired
And there it was — the pedestal of vanity!
The spotlights beamed, as they do in all semi-respectable productions, the camera crew sweated under their trucker hats, and the audience gazed in awe at the future one-man-theater performer.
Someone loudly slurped pineapple juice through a straw, and the Worker-Man's heart clenched in rhythm with that deeply disturbing sound.
In his earpiece came the slightly teasing but overall cheerful voice of a girl — like a GPS system trying out empathy. She introduced herself as Valeria and gently asked him to calm down a bit, because all that was required of him was to wave his arms around a lot, run back and forth across the stage, and repeat everything she said.
Then the performance would be over. Sooner or later. Everything in nature has a beginning and an end — including the rental period of this hall.
The mouth opens. The vocal cords are lubricated with spring water from a bottle. And the sound bursts from the speakers:
And here I am! Your Gloriously Known, Adored, and Praised-in-Eddas Mentor and Maître. What is my name? You will say it — for only a thousand-throated roar may utter such a mighty name.
– Maiji Kuiper! Wa-Wa-Gua-Wa, Teacher!
Excellent. You still remember our slogan, my undercooked meatballs, my precious chufuses who've come seeking knowledge from beyond the stars.
Now I shall deliver a heartfelt lecture, which is one hundred percent improvised, because writing down my wisdom on paper or a tablet is an act of pure disrespect — toward Science itself.
Just like having a clear structure, which I'm sure you were all expecting, huh? You probably think I'll start describing the path of a human being from birth, slowly crawling toward death by some boring auto-asphyxiation, cursed be its name and every cliché-riddled handbook that ever mentioned it!
– No, and once again, no! – Roared the hall in righteous anger.
We will not be discussing harpsichords, Confederates, or Balrogs — all of which are also painfully predictable as the opening to an epic called: "The Beginning of a Chill Life Promenade."
In our — or rather my — business guide, which details how to turn a miserable human being into a battle-ready golem of the financial ecosystem, it is important to acknowledge all of the above factors. They complicate your understanding of this lecture — you, my future Dark Lords of Silicon Valley.
– Unhealthy Cynicism – Is Our Multicultural Creed!
That's right, my precious chufuses! You know it yourselves — all you need to do is listen to Me, occasionally kneel to prevent joint pain (and earn my approval), and of course, don't be shy about drooling, lest I suspect you (heaven forbid!) of developing some form of intelligence.
Now then — let us talk about physical saturation of the organism.