The throne room was in full magical poultry meltdown.
* The **Astral Rooster** glowed like a disco ball made of moonlight.
* The **King** was fainting in cycles.
* **Reginald** was writing his will on a napkin.
* **Honkulus** hissed at anyone who tried to look more majestic than him.
* The **baby dragon-goose** clung to Crumpet like a child refusing preschool.
And looming over all…
**Dragon Dad: furious, offended, and VERY dramatic.**
He pointed a massive claw at Crumpet.
"HORSE. WE DUEL FOR CUSTODY."
Crumpet whinnied in abject misery.
Reginald whispered, "Please don't. He'll roast you."
Dragon Dad puffed smoke. "The duel will follow ancient wyrm custom!"
Everyone braced.
He inhaled and stood tall.
"We will battle through…
**competitive parenting skills.**"
Reginald blinked.
"…What?"
Dragon Dad nodded solemnly.
"Yes. A true test of nurturing ability."
Honkulus honked skeptically.
Crumpet stared dead-eyed at the floor.
The dragon continued:
"You, Horse, must prove you can raise my son better than I can!"
Crumpet's left eye twitched.
"ROUND ONE!" Dragon Dad boomed.
"**NURTURING HONK CALMING CALLS!**"
Crumpet had never honked in his life.
Reginald whispered urgently: "Just… neigh gently?"
But before Crumpet could fail—
---
**BOOOOOOOM!**
A door burst open in a shower of sparkles, smoke, and poorly contained magical panic.
Enter:
**The Royal Wizard, Archmagus Bartholomew the Uncertain**
He tripped on the carpet, fired a spell into the ceiling, and shouted:
"I HAVE ARRIVED—OH GREAT GRANDMOTHER OF GEESE WHAT IS HAPPENING?!"
He stared at the giant serpent.
Then the glowing goose.
Then the Astral Rooster.
Then the dragon.
Then the baby.
Then Crumpet.
Then Reginald.
Then the baby again.
Bartholomew screamed and started casting protective wards so fast that half of them turned into glitter.
"GET BACK!" he shrieked. "IT'S A DEMIGOD-POULTRY-HYBRID APOCALYPSE!"
The baby sneezed a fire-sparkle.
Bartholomew shrieked louder.
"OH NO IT'S EVOLVING."
Dragon Dad facepalmed. "That's not—he's just—stop screaming!"
The wizard backed away, firing spells in random directions.
A chandelier turned into a carrot.
A guard turned invisible and started screaming because he couldn't find his hands.
The Astral Rooster grew three inches taller.
Honkulus gained a brief glowing aura and strutted smugly.
Reginald attempted to calm the wizard.
"Sir! Please! You're making it worse!"
Bartholomew pointed shakily at the baby.
"That—THING—is radiating more magical instability than the Orb of Catastrophic Regret!"
Reginald blinked.
"The what?"
"THE ONE WE LOCKED IN THE PANTRY!"
Reginald screamed.
The Astral Rooster gasped dramatically.
"A SACRED ARTIFACT?! TAKE ME TO IT!"
Dragon Dad groaned.
"NO. NO MORE QUESTS. I JUST WANT MY CHILD BACK."
He stomped over to Crumpet.
"We continue the duel."
Crumpet silently begged any deity listening to smite him.
---
**ROUND ONE: HONK CALMING CALLS**
Dragon Dad puffed up and demonstrated a gentle rumbling coo—a deep, soothing dragon-purr.
The baby burbled happily.
Dragon Dad smirked triumphantly.
Crumpet stepped forward.
He opened his mouth.
He produced a sound that could only be described as:
**"neeeee-HONK?"**
Everyone froze.
The baby's eyes widened.
Then—
The baby SHRIEKED with joy, flung himself onto Crumpet's face, and shouted:
**"MOOOOOM HONK!!!"**
Dragon Dad looked like someone had kicked him in the ego.
"…How," he whispered.
"How did you—He won't even let ME honk at him!"
Reginald put a hand on Crumpet.
"Congratulations. You won Round One."
Crumpet looked like this victory had aged him ten years.
Bartholomew the Wizard was hiding behind a table whispering,
"The horse is the chosen parent. Of COURSE. Why not."
The Astral Rooster cheered.
Honkulus glowed.
The giant serpent nodded in solemn approval.
The King fainted again.
And Dragon Dad snarled:
"ROUND TWO! **FEEDING TIME CHALLENGE!**"
Reginald groaned.
"Oh gods. This is going to involve fire, isn't it?"
The wizard peeked out trembling.
"Probably. And the tapestry defenses are still fried."
Crumpet stared forward with the expression of a man walking to the gallows.
The throne room was a battlefield.
Not with swords.
Not with magic.
But with **snacks**.
Dragon Dad loomed over Crumpet, wings flaring, eyes fierce.
"ROUND TWO!" he roared. "**THE FEEDING CHALLENGE!** The one who nourishes my child best wins!"
Crumpet swallowed hard.
Reginald whispered, "Please don't die feeding a baby."
Honkulus fluffed his wings nervously.
The Astral Rooster leaned in and whispered,
"Show him the power of cuisine, holy horse."
Chef Marmaduke, still shaken from being nearly sacrificed to poultry, held a ladle defensively.
"I'm not helping either of you," he said. "My kitchen has seen enough trauma today."
---
**Dragon Dad Goes First**
The giant dragon inhaled deeply, exhaled warm smoke, and pulled out a chunk of glowing lava-rock from his satchel.
The baby squeaked in delight.
Dragon Dad held it proudly.
"**FORGED IN THE MOLTEN DEPTHS!** A classic dragon snack."
He tossed it gently to the baby.
The baby gnawed it.
It sizzled.
It sparked.
It smelled like charred rocks and questionable parenting.
The baby hiccupped a tiny flame-heart.
Dragon Dad smirked.
"Beat THAT, Horse."
Crumpet had no rocks.
Crumpet had no lava.
Crumpet had the equivalent of emotional scarring and hay.
Reginald whispered, "We are so dead."
---
**Crumpet's Turn**
Crumpet, trembling, looked around desperately.
Nearby:
* A tray of pastries from the royal banquet
* A bowl of fruit
* A basket of bread
* A bewildered servant holding a single carrot
Crumpet grabbed the carrot with determination.
The servant gasped.
"It is… chosen."
The carrot glowed faintly.
(This was not magic — it was panic.)
Crumpet gently nudged the carrot toward the baby.
The baby stared at it.
Everyone held their breath.
The dragon scoffed.
"A carrot? My son will never—"
The baby bit the carrot.
The baby LOVED the carrot.
He squeaked with joy, smacked it against Crumpet's muzzle affectionately, then shoved the whole thing in his mouth and honked.
Honkulus flared with pride.
The serpent coiled reverently.
The Astral Rooster crowed triumphantly.
Dragon Dad's jaw dropped.
"HE… WHAT…?!"
The baby pointed at Crumpet and shouted:
**"MOMFOOD!!"**
Reginald collapsed laughing.
Honkulus honked in victory.
The wizard fainted, convinced this meant the end times.
But the baby wasn't done.
He crawled onto Crumpet's head, wrapped his stubby wings around his ears, and chirped:
"**HONK MOM FOOD GOOD!**"
Dragon Dad fell to his knees.
"I… I lost. To a carrot."
Crumpet, exhausted, gave a humble whinny.
("Please. No more parenting challenges.")
But the baby booped him on the nose and whispered:
"Mom."
Crumpet died inside but also maybe melted a little.
Reginald patted his shoulder.
"You're doing great. Terrifying, but great."
Dragon Dad stood slowly, shaking his head.
"This isn't over, Horse. You may have won feeding time… but the final challenge remains."
Everyone tensed.
Honkulus glowed a bit brighter.
The Astral Rooster leaned forward like a gossiping aunt.
The King woke up just long enough to faint again.
Dragon Dad declared:
**"ROUND THREE — TEACH HIM HIS FIRST ROAR!"**
Crumpet made a noise that sounded like a scream, a whinny, and a prayer.
Reginald whispered, "We are so, so doomed."
The throne room had become a stadium.
Guards lined the walls.
Cultists crowded every corner.
The giant serpent coiled around a column like a scaly pretzel.
The Astral Rooster shimmered dramatically.
Honkulus vibrated with competitive energy.
Reginald sat on the floor, eating stress-biscuits.
The King was unconscious under a decorative table.
And at the center:
* **Dragon Dad**, proud and smoldering,
* **Crumpet**, tense and nearly vibrating with dread,
* **The baby dragon-goose**, perched happily on Crumpet's head like a fluffy crown of chaos.
Dragon Dad stomped the ground.
"ROUND THREE!" he bellowed.
"**TEACH HIM HIS FIRST ROAR!**"
The crowd gasped.
The baby squeaked.
Crumpet silently prayed.
---
## **Dragon Dad Demonstrates**
The dragon inhaled deeply.
His chest expanded like a furnace.
His wings unfurled, casting shadows over half the room.
Then—
**ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!**
The windows shattered.
The tapestries caught fire.
All the chickens in the cult screamed "CLUCK!" in unison.
The Astral Rooster crowed three notes of pure admiration.
Someone's wig flew off.
It was, objectively, the coolest roar possible.
Dragon Dad smirked and gestured at the baby.
"Now, little one. Your turn."
The baby puffed up…
Opened his beak…
And—
**"Mweep."**
It sounded like a mouse sneezing into a sock.
Dragon Dad froze.
"…Try again?"
The baby shook his head.
He pointed at Crumpet.
Crumpet blinked.
Dragon Dad frowned. "What? No. You roar. Not the horse."
The baby pointed at Crumpet again. Harder.
Reginald's eyes widened. "Oh no."
Dragon Dad asked, "Are you saying you won't roar unless the horse roars first?"
The baby nodded vigorously.
Then shouted:
**"MOOOOM ROAR!!"**
Crumpet made a noise that could only be described as:
"neeeee—?"
Dragon Dad facepalmed so hard sparks flew.
"THIS IS NOT HOW DRAGON CULTURE WORKS!"
But the baby had already dug his tiny claws into Crumpet's mane.
"ROOOAR MOM!!"
Honkulus honked in encouragement.
The serpent raised its tail like a supportive parent at a school recital.
The Astral Rooster whispered, "Believe in yourself, chosen horse."
Reginald placed a hand on Crumpet's shoulder.
"Look… somehow… you're the most important person to this child. Just… try."
Crumpet inhaled.
He closed his eyes.
He summoned everything he had experienced:
* The cults.
* The parade.
* The serpent adoption.
* The screaming wizard.
* The kitchens on fire.
* The carrot.
* The existential dread.
He opened his mouth.
And unleashed:
**"NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH."**
It echoed.
It shook dust from the rafters.
It sounded like a lion trapped inside a horse trapped inside a midlife crisis.
Everyone froze.
The baby gasped.
His eyes sparkled.
His wings flapped.
And then—
He mimicked Crumpet perfectly:
**"NEEEE-RAAAARGH!!"**
A tiny burst of fire and glitter exploded from his mouth.
Everyone was knocked off their feet.
Reginald flew backward into a potted plant.
The wizard screamed "IT HAS ASCENDED!" and ran in circles.
The Astral Rooster declared, "A DIVINE ROAR!"
The goose cult fainted.
The chicken cult fainted harder.
Honkulus honked triumphantly.
The serpent whispered reverently, "Mother Crumpet has taught him well."
Dragon Dad stared in stunned silence.
"…That was… actually impressive."
Then, quietly:
"I… could never get him to roar. But he roared for you."
Crumpet blinked, overwhelmed.
The baby nuzzled him.
Dragon Dad sighed.
"…Fine. You win the duel, Horse. You… you are his chosen parent."
Crumpet fainted on the spot.
The baby giggled and curled up on his fallen head.
The King sat up with a groan, brushing dust and tablecloth crumbs off his royal robes.
He blinked once.
Twice.
Then took in the scene:
* A giant snake coiled around a pillar
* A shimmering Astral Rooster glowing like a disco ball
* Honkulus sharpened and vibrating
* Two competing cults fainted in perfect spirals
* Dragon Dad looming proudly
* Crumpet unconscious
* Reginald trapped in a potted fern
* A baby dragon-goose sitting happily on Crumpet's face
The King inhaled deeply.
"Good heavens," he whispered. "I was hoping fainting had been a dream."
Dragon Dad rumbled, "I accept Crumpet as co-parent of my son."
The King blinked at him. "Of course you do."
He stood up, clapped his hands sharply, and declared:
"ALL RIGHT EVERYONE! DIPLOMACY TIME!"
This was a mistake.
---
**The Meeting Begins, Barely**
The King dragged a large round table into the center of the throne room.
He then arranged chairs in a circle:
* A big one for Dragon Dad
* A little one for the baby
* One for Reginald (still covered in potting soil)
* A hay bale for Crumpet (still unconscious)
* A shiny pedestal for the Astral Rooster
* A puddle of sparkles where the serpent insisted on sitting
* A nest of towels for Honkulus
* Two piles of smelling salts for the cult leaders
Everyone sat.
Chaos immediately began.
---
**Opening Statements**
**The King:** "Let's begin with introductions."
**Dragon Dad:** "I breathe fire and solve things through battle."
**Astral Rooster:** "I shimmer. You're welcome."
**Serpent:** "I eat kingdoms. But politely."
**Honkulus:** "HONK."
**Reginald:** "I am the only reasonable one here and I hate it."
**Cult Leaders:**
Chicken leader: "Cluck."
Goose leader: "Honk."
King: "…Well that settles nothing."
**Baby Dragon-Goose:**
*Flaps, honks, accidentally sets a chair ablaze.*
**Crumpet:**
Remains unconscious, achieving the wisest state possible in that room.
---
**The King Attempts Actual Diplomacy**
The King pulled out a scroll.
"Now then! We have three major issues:
1. Who legally owns the hybrid child?
2. Why is there a giant fire-snake curled around my architecture?
3. And does—" he pointed at Honkulus— "**that** have a permit?"
Honkulus honked so aggressively the torches flickered.
Dragon Dad raised a claw. "Issue number one: Crumpet and I are the parents now."
Reginald whispered, "Please don't tell people that."
The Astral Rooster crowed, "The child's destiny is greater than ownership. He shall be a beacon of cosmic poultry!"
The serpent added, "I demand visitation rights."
The goose cult weakly honked approval.
The chicken cult shouted, "Only if he joins our prophecy!"
The baby flapped onto the table, proudly honking:
"NEE-HONK!"
And lit the King's scroll on fire.
The King sighed with the despair of a man who had hoped for retirement.
---
**Chaos Erupts (Again)**
"ENOUGH!" the King finally shouted.
Everyone froze.
The serpent halted mid-hiss.
Dragon Dad closed his jaws.
Honkulus paused mid-stab attempt on a chair leg.
Reginald stopped hyperventilating.
The King pointed dramatically at Crumpet.
"We will discuss NOTHING until the horse wakes up."
Everyone looked at Crumpet.
Crumpet, sensing the universe calling him, opened one eye.
And promptly passed out again.
The baby curled up beside him and honked sympathetically.
The King sagged.
"Fine. We reconvene tomorrow. For now—no fighting, no fire, no conquering, no shimmering excessively, and NO PROPHECY DECLARATIONS."
He rubbed his temples.
"I need tea."