In my own personal ranking of all human professions, I split them into two simple categories:
The ones that actually do something
And the ones that just kill
The first group is easy — crystal clear. If someone made the chair you're sitting on, then congrats: they've made something useful. If someone harvested the food you're chewing right now — same deal.
Now, the "kill boredom" crew? That's where it gets spicier. Because as much as it sucks to admit, in our short-ass lives, boredom is a real thing. Painfully real. Especially if you're not Jeff Bezos throwing zombie ferret jousting tournaments in your backyard.
If you're a regular dude or girl, you've only got so many pleasures to pick from: food, booze, drugs, sex, sports, and a few other usual suspects.
Honestly, if people hadn't been bored out of their minds, we wouldn't have had great discoveries or epic voyages. All those Cooks and Magellans didn't sail because of some noble dream — they were just sick of staring at rocks. No gadgets, no TikTok, no dopamine. Just leopards chasing your ass and poison darts flying at your face.
So yeah — today's entertainment industry gets flak, but I say it's damn important. It keeps people from throwing themselves out windows out of pure ennui.
Actors, musicians, writers, amusement park workers — they give us dopamine hits, selfies by weird monuments, and stuff to talk about with family and friends. Most of all — they give us memories.
And memories, as far as I'm concerned, are still one of the most valuable currencies we've got.
Now, what comes next might offend some folks. Honestly? I don't give a shit. Who am I to you? Your mom? Your sister? No? Then stop puffing your cheeks and getting triggered by this piece of streetwise belletristic chaos that never claimed to be Tolstoy.
Anyway, the deeper I dove into the bizarre zoo of human professions, the more they all started looking... well, pointless.
Not saying I personally hate these jobs — I'm just talkin'.
Let's start with history. In theory, it could be useful and entertaining. But as we know, theory and practice rarely get along.
Yeah sure — archaeologists could dig up something game-changing. Like, a laser cannon in Egypt. Or warp drive tech buried in your backyard (if your dog doesn't find it first).
Or maybe a cryo-ship under Antarctic ice from Kepler-1649c packed with meds to cure every disease, including your receding hairline. (Though, you could also just go to Turkey for that.)
That'd be huge, right? Instant fame for those dusty old historians. But... it hasn't happened.
As for the entertainment part — maybe you're into documentaries asking whether Alexander the Great was actually that badass, or if Catherine the Great really banged a horse. Helps take your mind off your crap job. And like I said — that's a valid service.
But unfortunately, most history work is just a soul-crushing parade of trivia. Like how many calluses Charlemagne had or what Denisovans ate in their caves. Or what Maria Medici whispered to her maids in 1623. Sure, it all ends up in books, but nobody outside their circle gives a damn.
Except maybe a couple of history geeks.
Still, these folks rake in grants and research money, spending their whole lives studying Tutankhamun's armpits. For what? Beats me.
Now, let's run over some sociologists.
Who actually needs them, besides politicians? Seriously. Politicians read their little polls and pretend they know what people want. But these polls? They're often crap. Tiny sample sizes, rushed answers, social desirability bias, blah-blah. It's all just noise.
And if we're talking about public opinion, shouldn't they be interviewing literally everyone? Not just cherry-picking 15 bored people in a mall?
And don't even get me started on authoritarian regimes — those polls are just plain comedy. Who the hell tells the truth when they think the Men in Black might come knocking at 3am?
And then we have the folks who dedicate their whole lives to Goethe. Or art critics who stare at a Joan Miró painting and analyze every brushstroke like it's the Rosetta Stone.
Imagine that — a person spends their whole life reading Goethe, parsing sentence structure, sucking down grants, and convincing themselves it's for the greater good. Honestly? It's kind of hilarious.
Now, don't get it twisted. I'm not jealous. I'm not here to shame people making a living however they can. But personally? I find a lot of this crap useless.
Not because it's evil. But because huge piles of cash go into "important research" that doesn't actually help anyone.
Humanity, for the most part, is bullshitting. Me included.
Yeah, I'm right here with you — wasting time writing this book, buying dumb crap on Amazon instead of inventing a cure for cancer.
So I'm not judging. I don't count your money. I'm just sharing how I see it. My main concern? Billions flushed down the toilet instead of being used for something that actually moves the needle.
"Criticize less, propose more!" — Yeah yeah, I hear you, comrade. But let's get one thing straight: I'm not your guru. Not your messiah. Not your productivity coach. And even if I were? I still wouldn't tell you how to live, bro.
Do your thing. Live your truth. Have fun. Just stay within the law. Uncle Law still matters.
Still, maybe some of you do wanna know what's been bugging me lately. Well, I'll say it straight: rewind this book to the part where I said "start asking yourself tough questions."
That's my answer. A question.
And now I'll masterfully segue into the next part with this sentence:
There's someone in this world who didn't want to ask those questions.
One night, I had a dream that I was scrolling through a random social network, late in the evening
— you know the vibe — lazily swiping through the feed. And suddenly, I stumble upon some completely fictional woman.
She popped up in a photo inside some community group. She was holding a certificate and smiling wide into the camera. At the top of the post it said: "Congratulate me! I just became a professor of geodesy. Yoohoo!"
Back then, there were no neural networks or deepfakes — this person looked totally real. And as I stared at her, what I saw was an older, chubby mademoiselle in massive glasses, a face full of wrinkles, and… well, you get the idea.
I'm wording all this vaguely on purpose — too lazy to fend off the activist squads who'll scream "Lookism!" and try to cancel me. Because how dare I write without Uncle Cancel's blessing, right?
But back then, I really was looking and thinking the kind of thoughts the Nighttime Human has — you know, the kind that pop up right before sleep, when you remember your neighbor Tony and his weird face.
"Does this woman look in the mirror? What does she see there? I wonder what she feels when she looks in the mirror? Does she see anxiety? Pain? Or just her diploma?"
And then, lightning struck. She doesn't see herself at all.
She sees — the Certificate! That little piece of paper distracts her from every physical inconvenience.
Blown away by the simplicity of that thought, I realized: this professor just escapes into her work. She drowns herself in degrees, pumps out academic articles, and desperately avoids looking at what probably causes her pain.
"Stop judging people by their looks. What matters is what's in their brain, their soul, their heart. The body is just a temporary skin — like a video game character you haven't upgraded yet."
And now that you've shouted that noble line at me with full conviction — allow me to hit you with a little announcement.
Time to tear off all the veils. Let's stomp on the mask I've been wearing over my green, scaly face.
That's right — you heard me. I'm actually a hidden reptiloid who's been studying you humans to figure out what makes you tick and what you really want deep down.
And what I've learned is that you all want to be forever young and immortal.
Well, lucky for you — I've got the full stock of serums and ultra-botox fillers. I can make you exactly how you dream to be. But in return — you'll have to sing all the songs from K-Pop with me and my whole crew aboard the spaceship.
What was that you said again?
"Stop judging people by appearances. The mind, soul, and heart matter more!" Oh, that was you? Oops, I must've misheard.
So, are you going to study Korean with me or not?!
And by the way — I'm not making fun of that woman.
Through her fictional example, I'm just trying to show you what I consider totally useless in the face of the incoming clusterfuck that's about to hit her — and all of us.