Location: The Great Banquet Hall, Zapolyarny Palace
Current Form: Human (Formal Wear: Synthesized Black Suit)
Status: Crashing a board meeting, terrorizing the economy, eating the silverware
The long table was set. Candelabras made of unmelting ice cast long, flickering shadows. The atmosphere was heavier than a neutron star.
The Eleven Fatui Harbingers (minus the dead one, the erased one, and the one currently in Natlan) were gathered.
At the head of the table sat The Tsaritsa.
To her right, Pierro (The Jester).
Then the rest: Columbina, Arlecchino, Dottore (The Prime Segment), Pantalone, Pulcinella, Sandrone, and Tartaglia (who looked banged up but alive, having been dragged back by Skirk).
And sitting in Signora's empty chair, uninvited, was Raiden.
He was wearing a sharp black suit he had synthesized using [Creation Magic] because Paimon insisted he "dress for the occasion." Paimon herself was wearing a tiny fur coat, eating a bowl of stew.
"This meeting is now in session," Pierro announced, his voice grave. "The agenda: The Final Phase of Project Stuzha. And... our guest."
Raiden looked around the table.
"So," Raiden pointed a fork at the man with glasses and a smug smile. "You must be the wallet."
Pantalone (The Regrator) pushed his glasses up. "I am the Regrator. And you, Mr. Ragnvaldr, are a financial nightmare. Do you have any idea how much Mora I had to print to cover the damages you caused in Liyue? You ate the Jade Chamber's floor!"
"Put it on my tab," Raiden said, taking a bite of a bread roll. "Or send the bill to Zhongli. He loves bills."
Pantalone's eye twitched. "The Geo Archon has no money!"
Raiden turned to the small man with the long nose.
"And you look like the Monopoly guy."
Pulcinella (The Rooster) huffed. "I am the Mayor! I care for the citizens! Your reckless consumption threatens the supply chain!"
"I ate a whale that was going to eat your supply chain," Raiden countered. "You're welcome."
He looked at the girl held by a massive ruin machine.
"And you... Sandrone (The Marionette). Nice robot. Is it running on Windows XP?"
Sandrone stared at him with dead eyes. The robot behind her whirred aggressively. "It runs on the souls of the ignorant. Would you like a demonstration?"
"I eat robots," Raiden warned. "Ask Scaramouche. Oh wait, he got deleted from history. Ask Dottore."
Dottore (Prime) sat silently, tapping his finger on the table. "The segments you consumed were... outdated. Do not presume to know my full capabilities, Anomaly."
"I know you taste like chemicals," Raiden dismissed him.
The Tsaritsa raised her hand. Silence fell instantly.
"We have five Gnoses," The Tsaritsa spoke. The chess pieces floated before her. "Anemo, Geo, Electro, Dendro, Hydro. However... the Pyro Gnosis remains in Natlan."
"Capitano judged that taking it by force would destroy the nation needed to fight the Abyss," Arlecchino reported. "A calculated decision."
"A sentimental one," Pantalone sneered. "Without the Pyro Gnosis, the device to pierce the Heavenly Throne lacks the necessary combustion power."
"We need fire," Pierro stated. "A fire strong enough to burn the laws of Teyvat."
All eyes turned to Raiden.
Raiden stopped chewing. He swallowed.
"Why is everyone looking at me?"
"You possess the power of the Dragon Sovereigns," The Tsaritsa said. "And you have consumed the Sacred Flame's corruption in Natlan. You hold the essence of the Pyro element within your 'Stomach'."
"You want me to be the battery?" Raiden raised an eyebrow.
"We want you to be the catalyst," Pierro corrected. "We do not need the Gnosis if we have a being who is the embodiment of elemental consumption. You can channel the energy of the five Gnoses and ignite the Rebellion."
Raiden leaned back. "So, you want to load me into a cannon and fire me at Celestia?"
"Metaphorically," Dottore smirked. "Though literally would be fascinating."
"I object!"
Tartaglia slammed his hand on the table. He was bandaged, looking rough, but his eyes were lively.
"Raiden is my rival!" Childe declared. "If he's going to fight Celestia, I want in! I missed the fight in Fontaine because of that stupid whale! I demand a rematch!"
"Sit down, Tartaglia," Arlecchino sighed. "The adults are talking."
"No, let him speak," Raiden grinned. "Childe brings up a good point. If I help you burn down the Sky Island... what do I get out of it?"
"A new world," The Tsaritsa said. "A world without the tyranny of Fate. A world where humanity is free."
"Boring," Raiden said.
He picked up a silver fork. He bit the tines off. Crunch.
"I want the Heavenly Principles," Raiden said, swallowing the metal. "The Unknown God. The one who cubed the Traveler's sister. I want to eat her."
The table went silent.
"You wish to consume the Sustainer?" Columbina giggled, looking delighted. "Oh, how sinful. How wonderful."
"She blocked my path once," Raiden lied (he just wanted to eat the strongest thing in the universe). "I hold grudges. If you let me take the main course, I'll help you break the door down."
The Tsaritsa looked at him. Her icy expression softened into a ruthless smile.
"Agreed. The Sustainer is yours. The Throne is mine."
"Excellent," Pantalone clapped his hands. "Now that business is concluded, we can enjoy the banquet. This silverware, by the way, is solid platinum imported from - "
CRUNCH.
Raiden bit a chunk out of his platinum plate.
Pantalone froze.
"You... you are eating the plate."
"It's good for the teeth," Raiden said, taking another bite. "High conductivity."
He looked at Sandrone's robot.
"Is that arm edible?"
Sandrone pulled her robot back protectively.
"Just kidding," Raiden laughed. "Pass the butter."
After dinner (where Raiden ate three plates, two candlesticks, and Dottore's patience), they moved to the War Room.
Pierro laid out the map.
"Celestia hovers above the center of Teyvat," Pierro pointed. "It is dormant. But the activation of the Gnoses will wake it. The Heavenly Nails will drop."
"We need to intercept the Nails," Capitano's voice came from the doorway.
The Captain had arrived, looking fully repaired.
"You're back," Raiden nodded.
"I have returned," Capitano walked in. "The preparations in Natlan are secure. Now, we face the sky."
"The plan is as follows," Pierro directed.
1. The Harbingers will mobilize the Fatui fleet to intercept the Heavenly Nails using Snezhnaya's advanced technology.
2. The Tsaritsa will channel the Five Gnoses to break the protective barrier around Celestia.
3. Raiden (The Catalyst) will amplify the strike with Void Energy, preventing Celestia from healing the breach.
4. The Traveler will ascend to the throne room to confront the truth of their sibling.
"Wait," Aether spoke up. "My sibling... is with the Abyss Order. They want to destroy Celestia too."
"The Abyss seeks destruction," The Tsaritsa said. "We seek revolution. Our paths are parallel, but our destinations differ. But know this, Traveler: Your twin waits for you at the end. Whether as an enemy or a savior depends on who reaches the throne first."
Raiden walked out onto the balcony of the palace. The aurora borealis danced overhead.
Columbina floated up beside him.
"Are you afraid?" she asked softly.
"Of what?" Raiden asked.
"Of the Sky," she pointed up. "It has eyes. It has watched us for thousands of years. When it wakes... it will be angry."
"Let it be angry," Raiden leaned on the railing.
He looked at his hand. He channeled the power of Gluttony. It wasn't just a skill anymore. It was a law of physics. The law of Entropy.
"Columbina," Raiden said.
"Yes?"
"Do you think Celestia tastes like chicken?"
Columbina burst into laughter—a sound like wind chimes. "You are impossible. I think... it tastes like light. Cold, unforgiving light."
"Then I'll bring some hot sauce."
Raiden looked at the floating island in the sky, barely visible through the clouds.
"Hey, Celestia!" Raiden shouted. "ORDER PIZZA! I'M COMING OVER!"
Far above, in the island of the gods, a single red cube flickered.
Target Acknowledged.
Threat Analysis: Critical.
Initiating Wake-Up Protocol.