I didn't sleep the rest of the night; my thoughts were consuming me. Whole evening was an emotional rollercoaster, from feeling excited about meeting Riven to being absolutely smashed by letting go of my virginity to Alexander .
Did I really sell my virginity for $10,000? That's less than the cost of a few dates with him. Does he see my purity as worth just a few meals and some conversation? Does he have all the power to determine both timing and price of me being "ready" for sex? If so, I would have needed at least eight to ten dates before feeling prepared.
The same questions rotated endlessly in my mind all night: Is this the price of being "good" nowadays, or do men of high social status see it that way? What is absolute luxury for them...for him? And the last thing was Rita. I was eager to tell her what had happened, craving honest support more than ever.
Thursday, May 3, 6:50 am
I decided to skip school today. With just a few weeks left before exams, no one would notice my absence. If anyone asked, I'd say I was homesick, which wasn't a lie. I was sick, though not in the way most people would think. I was emotionally drained. On a brighter note, Rita and I are moving into a new place today.
We had an ultra-early breakfast, savoring the last moments in this apartment. For Rita, it was especially sentimental; she'd spent almost two years here.
"I don't want to ruin the bittersweetness of the moment, Rita, but something happened last night...."
My voice was shaky as I inhaled deeply, trying to speak without sobbing.
"I'm all ears, dear. You know me, I would have listened the moment you came home, but you seemed exhausted, so I didn't push. Even though patience and I are almost enemies! I really am trying to be emotionally intelligent and give people space when they need it."
That's a lie. For as long as I've known her, I've never seen Rita show much "emotional intelligence." Where did she even learn that phrase? From a magazine? Or did someone tell her about it and she decided to use it whenever possible?
I was on the emotional edge, teetering between anger and hysteria. It was up to me to show real emotional intelligence and not respond rudely.
"I'm going to be straightforward with you. It felt like he did me dirty, if you take money and the contract out of the equation."
Rita's eyes didn't go wide, as I'd expected. Instead, her face turned skeptical as she asked,
"Did you get the money?"
"Yes, he gave me an envelope, as always."
"Then why are you saying things like this? Maybe that's just his style; he prefers it rough. He clearly puts himself above you, and that power comes out in sex. I don't mean to defend him, but honestly, you're being a crybaby right now..."
Rita remained utterly unbothered, her convictions unshakeable. She would easily sign her name under every word she said.
"Listen, I get that you didn't enjoy sex with him. It's a normal part of our job. By the way, you're at the top of the sugar baby hierarchy! You don't have to jump from man to man; you have a stable, more than stable income, and you get paid extra just for being you. Last night, you got rid of something that was holding you back from making him your slave, Charlotte! Where's the switch in your brain to stop being such a pussy?"
She stood up and came over to hug me. I knew she wasn't trying to be rude; she just saw more in this lifestyle than I did. Her methods weren't always comforting, but somehow they eased my mind a little.
Her hypnotic pep talk continued:
"Does it hurt now, Charlotte? What's his size?"
"It hurts a little. I noticed a few drops of blood when I got home. Now it just feels like I had an intense stretch session at gymnastics. As for his size—he's not as impressive as his net worth, but it still hurt like hell."
"If you're still uncomfortable tomorrow, I can take you to my gynecologist. She can check your... ruins."
"You always turn everything into a joke!"
"Life is either drama or comedy. If I didn't joke about my own dramatic life, I'd have ended up in a psych ward! I recommend you look at things a bit lighter, too, or at least measure everything in terms of money."
"Maybe you're right. That's why I think I shouldn't use the word 'rape' with him. He took me too literally, and I saw real anger in his eyes."
"Just don't say it next time. I'm sure things will get better. Men, especially wealthy ones, often feel guilty. That's why, instead of saying sorry, they give you cash or expensive gifts. It's their non-verbal language."
"Alexander didn't seem to feel guilty. He used my body like a toy, no matter what I said or did, he wouldn't stop!"
"Yeah, kinks are a vital part of this job. Take notes! If you give him what he wants in bed, he might even buy you that new apartment we're moving into. Trust me! Also, you should research and outline your own kinks—he'll be happy to please you, too."
"How am I supposed to research those?"
"With him. By exploring and experimenting together."
"I need a break, Rita. On top of everything else, I forgot about the lubricant you gave me."
"Next time, use it! Don't neglect your 'water balance'! He'll enjoy it, and so will you. I bet it was rough for him, too. But still, you got your money!"
As Rita went to her room to pack, she called out one more tip:
"You can always fantasize about someone else, like your TV crush, while you're with Alexander. Your imagination is your superpower!"
"Actually, I did think of someone last night. But things got so intense that my fear pushed all other thoughts aside."
"Oh my, you have a crush?! Who is it?"
Rita rushed back, her eyes wide with excitement.
"I met him last evening, before I saw Alexander."
"So your evening walk was a good idea! Tell me more!"
I started thinking about Riven again, just as I had during those intense moments with Alexander.
"His name is Riven. He saw me near Alexander's building, ironically. He works there and was looking for a model for a photoshoot, or something like that. But that's not important. He actually mistook me for a model! He was so charming; everything he said made me forget my worries and just live in the moment."
"But what does he look like?"
"He's tall, green-eyed, not much older than you. What really got me was his broad shoulders; I felt like I was standing next to a great wall. And when I gave him my phone number, I saw his hands tremble. He's definitely a romantic. There was a real spark between us."
"You gave him your number? Careful, you're playing with fire! Don't let your sugar daddy find out!"
"Do you think it was wrong? I couldn't say because I want it. For the first time, I felt like I should go for it. Besides, I'm not breaking any contract rules."
"Charlotte, the fact that you're so defensive means you probably will break them! And I support it! Just be strategic and make sure the men never cross paths. I have a saying: 'Old man for the soil, young man for the soul.' It's beautiful, isn't it?"
"'Soil'? Where do you get these sayings? Oh, you mean the old man gives you financial stability, while the young one keeps your heart fulfilled? That's clever."
"Exactly! I'm happy for you. Just think about it, you have both now! Let go of your worries about your virginity and move on. We're literally moving into a new life today!"
Thursday, May 3, 4:45 pm
By the afternoon, we were busy making our new place cozy and lively. Alexander had given us one of his properties on the Upper East Side of New York. Our lives were significantly upgraded—from a poorly renovated old townhouse to a contemporary, minimalist, and luxuriously clean skyscraper in one of the city's best areas. John helped us fit all our belongings into one car and drove us to our new home. We were greeted by butlers explicitly assigned to our building and its management staff. Rita shone like an expensive gemstone the moment she walked into the new living area, while I was still processing the emotions from last night.
The apartment features a large entrance hallway leading to the living room and an open-plan kitchen, which in turn leads to a guest toilet and bathroom. Since today we don't need to share the bedroom, we both have our own private room with a closet and bathroom. The highlight of the unit is the spacious balcony, complete with two cozy chairs and a coffee table.
"Let's throw a celebration dinner! We can order food and watch a funny TV show, or maybe even a love reality show. That would be educational for you!"
"That sounds like a great idea. If you're up for it, I can order the food for us. I see you need way more time to arrange your stuff in the closet than I do."
I finished unpacking in less than 30 minutes. My bedroom is the master, giving me a bigger bed and more closet space. Rita joked that I have more room to grow my designer stuff collection. Which I think I should? This day gave me a lesson to find new ways to distract myself from my job, especially when it comes to the "bed" part.
"Sure, just don't order anything bitter for me! It reminds me of... well, something you'll have to taste one day."
"Why would anyone purposely make bitter food? Your jokes are getting out of control lately!"
"I don't want you going into shock again! Get used to me, get used to your role. And order a Japanese roll for us, please!"
Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to both Rita and Alexander. Financially, my life is amazing; I just need to find a way to manage my mental state. Rita is truly worried about me, seeing how hard I'm trying to get better at being "Alexander's baby."
Life wasted no time giving me a "key" to recovering and stabilizing my mind. I got a text notification.
-Good evening. What is your plan today from 6pm to 8pm?
That's from Riven. Is he asking me on a date? Two hours seems short, or maybe he just wants to go for a walk in the park?
Today was a day off for both me and Alexander; he knew it was moving day and made an exception in our contract so I could rest.
-Good evening, I am free.
I didn't want to fight my desire to see him or play hard to get. I wanted to feel something real tonight. My instincts tell me Riven is my buffer for a bad mental state; he's someone I need to help me stay on track.
"Rita, I might be out tonight. Riven texted me and asked what I'm doing."
"So fast! He's young, good-looking, doesn't like to waste time... and it looks like he's dying to know you better! Oh, sweet eighteen, I had my roster of boys too, but I was younger than you then... that was my peak female performance time, haha!"
Sometimes I need a minute to process Rita's words. Leaving people speechless is her superpower.
"I want to go. I don't know where he'll take me, but I really want to see him. I'll make sure we don't go anywhere Alexander might be."
"And don't use John today! Just because he's your driver doesn't mean he can keep your secrets. And don't let the butlers or building management see you together! They all work for Alexander, unofficially, but still! They will shoot their shot against you if they see you are breaking the rules!"
"I didn't think of that. I wasn't planning to tell him where I live, but the thought of Alexander's control spreading everywhere sometimes concerns me. You are right, they know him, which means they know us."
"Correct. Better not roll the dice and stay out of places where someone might know Alexander."
I heard another message notification.
—Would you be down to drive around NY with me? I know a few nice spots. I'll pick you up.
So he wants to give me a ride... interesting. I need to pick a discreet meeting spot. Where would I go if I wanted to avoid attention?
—Sounds fun! I'll be at the main library. Meet me there.
-deal:)
The library used to be my place of habitat. It probably should have stayed that way, since finals are coming up. I wish my mind were on exams, but honestly, I couldn't care less right now.
"I told him to meet me at the downtown library, so I need to leave a little earlier. Are you okay with me missing our celebration dinner and going for a ride with Riven?"
I was slightly worried that Rita would be upset about my decision. She finally seemed happy to leave her old place and wanted to savor this moment with a little home party for two.
"Not at all! I'll still order Japanese and watch a reality show! Enjoy your night! " Rita said with a wink.
"And you save me some leftovers! I'll never say no to Japanese food!"
Time to turn on some music and get ready for my date. This time it doesn't feel like chores, as I have all the freedom in my hands: I can dress how I want, do or not do makeup to my liking, and moreover, I can say what I want. The sugar baby mask hadn't even been on for a full week, but it already felt so tight that I was starting to develop marks. I was more than ready for some quality time with someone who was still a mystery to me.
*"Girls Just Wanna Have Some" by Chromatics starts playing*
I wanted to look like the real, authentic Charlotte this evening. So I went for a no-makeup look, like the old version of me. The new me curled up the ends of my hair with an iron and put on a short skort with a layered design that looked like a peony flower. Skorts are my favorite clothing, as it looks like skirt and gives a sense of comfort and flexibility due to hidden shorts underneath. Finishing touch was a top. Authentic me would go for a off shoulder sweater, but it was too hot for that now. Instead, I borrowed Rita's light, almost a second skin thin long sleeve T-shirt with little Swarovski stones on it.
I looked at myself in the big floor-to-ceiling mirror and felt strange. I realized I'd never go back to the real me again, the Charlotte I knew just a week ago. My identity had shifted so much that the old me wouldn't recognize the new me. Yes, I felt insanely good and flirty in my outfit, but it would never have been my honest choice before.
For a finishing touch, I added a few sprays of a new perfume I'd gotten while shopping with Rita. The scent, Lancôme La Nuit Trésor, reflected the energy I wanted to radiate toward men. When I bought it, I thought of Alexander, of course. But tonight, La Nuit Trésor would be working its magic on Riven.
Thursday, May 3, 5:59 pm
I was standing near the downtown library's entrance, while the warm, unfiltered air from concrete New York air was blowing into my face. I could feel summer is right around the corner, as this year's weather is exceptionally fast pushing spring into summer.
Many cars passed by, and with each one, I hoped it would be Riven's. He had briefly mentioned his company to me, which I correctly assumed was his, so I expected his car would be a nice one. To me, a nice car is anything clean and non-public transport type.
A sleek black car with a soft roof pulled up nearby, and the window slowly rolled down. There he was, Riven with sunglasses on. He quickly got out and walked toward me.
"Since when do people need sunglasses when the sun is almost gone?"
"Haha, since I am unbothered, no matter what the weather is I like to wear sunshields!"
"How am I supposed to see your green eyes?"
The words slipped out before I could stop myself, and I couldn't believe I'd said them.
"I am hiding my stare on you, because you might think I am crazy. That is the truth."
Riven and I immediately started playing the game of "who can give more compliments." I wanted to win badly, but being so direct on a first date didn't seem wise. Even just thinking about pushy Alexander gave me chills, so I chose another tactic: enjoy the moment.
Riven opened the car door for me and waited until I fully sat down before sitting himself, such a smooth gentleman move.
"Where are we going?"
"I have a plan, just trust me..."
Riven started driving. His style was hectic but careful, which is impressive.
"How was your day, Charlotte?"
"It was... normal. So far, it's just a normal day."
"I want to do my best to make this day special. Thank you for giving me your time this evening. I know it's not much, but my schedule is crazy right now. Hopefully, I'll have more time to see you next week, if you don't..."
"I don't mind!"
I smiled at him, which caused Riven to blush red, like the setting New York sun.
We both giggled and drove in silence for a moment, until Riven suggested playing some music.
"I really love pop music, how about you?"
"Well, I am more of an older soul," said Riven,
"I prefer rock from the 80s or alternative , depending on how stressful my day was. But I am okay with listening to pop music, open the new genre for me, please!"
I smiled and asked him to navigate the radio in his car. As I reached out to scroll through the station options, Riven's hand moved in the same direction as mine, and our fingers collided.
"Sorry!" we both said at the same time, though we both secretly wished that moment could have lasted longer than a millisecond.
"I wanted to show you something, but you go first," Riven said, letting me turn on the music.
"I'm trying to find a good station, but it feels like I'm just pointing in the dark. I don't really listen to the radio!"
"Connect your phone to this USB wire; it'll play music from your phone."
Riven passed me a wire, which solved my riddle to find a radio station.
As I was choosing the music, he pressed a button and the car's roof folded down. I'd thought it was just a thick raincoat material, but it turned out his car could go completely roofless. The moment thrilled me, and I felt excited like a little girl.
"Wow! This is much better! I mean, your car is nice even with a roof on, just this..."
"I get it. Now get ready for a good ride. As soon as we leave the main area, I'll speed up. My hobby is speed racing, but I won't drive recklessly if I'm not sure about your safety, Charlotte."
*You right by Doja Cat starts playing*
We talked, and talked a lot. Riven told me he never went to university or college; he'd started his business with a school friend. His company, which I guessed correctly about, is now solely his because his friend left the project shortly after beginning. His dad, whom he doesn't like to mention, sponsored his company. After that, Riven's success skyrocketed. I expressed happiness for him, but he seemed uneasy about it, wondering how his company would have done if his father hadn't helped him "cheat" the ladder of success.
He was an easy book to read, or maybe my beginner skills with Alexander helped me read him so quickly. Riven told me about his hobbies: racing, the gym, and work. I tried to dig into his past relationships, but he only said he couldn't say anything good or bad about them; he was very neutral on the subject. When he asked about my life, I could do nothing but lie. I felt bad because Riven was spilling his soul to me while I flushed my honesty down the drain, telling fairy tales instead. He was all ears when I spoke, but my frequent pauses ruined the whole energy. I didn't want to sound like this, as I wish I could tell him the truth.
Riven drove quite far from the main area, crossing the bridge and parking right at the lookout point, which has the best views of downtown and the NY bridge.
He lowered the music and turned his torso to me.
"Charlotte, I want you to be honest with me. While we were talking and I was asking about your studies, you seemed a bit lost. I really like you, and I want to be bold with you: you've really left a mark on my mind."
"What do you want me to be honest about?"
Does he know about my side job? Do I give off a sugar-baby vibe? Did I lie not convincing enough?
"How old are you?"
"I'm eighteen, Riven. I should have told you before, but I really like you too, so I was afraid that if you found out about my age, you'd run away."
"No, I meant that I feel like you're trying to be open with me, but something is holding you back. That's why I asked."
"Is it a problem for you that I'm just eighteen?"
"Not at all. You seem very educated. Just when I am talking with you, I feel like you have never talked to a guy before. Sorry if I sound rude. But I find this very sweet, and it makes me want to learn about you more..."
He looked deep into my eyes and leaned closer to me. I was shaking like a leaf in the wind, yet I'd wanted to kiss him since the night I kissed Alexander. I closed my eyes and prepared my lips for his.
But I was wrong. He gently touched my cheek and told me to open my eyes and look straight ahead, to take in the magnificence of the night city. I blushed and started giggling nervously.
"Did you think I was going to kiss you? Yeah, you're definitely a nerdy girl," he said with a laugh.
"I'm sorry, Riven. You're the first person in my life I'm not afraid to express my feelings and thoughts with. I am surprised myself, as my body doesn't have a lock to stop the actions my brain tells it to do."
Riven raised his brows a little and smiled.
"Still, I respect you, and I want us to spend at least one more date together before we do that. I don't see the point in rushing things: you're eighteen, I'm twenty-five...we have a whole life ahead of us."
I took note of his age, realizing I was seven years younger than him. He didn't seem to want to rush things, unlike Alexander. I should stop comparing them, as one is for money, the other is... What do I want from Riven?
This was the moment I realized Rita was right about me. I started breaking the contract rules long before now. I'd already made up my mind to try a relationship with Riven, even though I was in one already. I had to be honest with myself: without Riven, I couldn't even feel neutral about my "job" with Alexander, because I need money in my life much more than I need a romantic relationship. To sustain one, I'd have to secretly add another, which would give me a sense of dignity and even happiness.
"And I respect your choice. The view is beautiful, speaking of that. Thank you for showing me the city from this angle. I enjoyed the roofless ride, and, moreover..."
He touched my hand and looked straight into my face, making me turn toward him.
"Charlotte, it's okay. No need to say more. Let's enjoy the view."
I am melting because of him! His presence in my life has made me start to speed talk just like Rita! That's definitely a sign I'm falling for him. Oh, how I wish my relationship with him will progress and work out. And what I wish even more is that Alexander never finds out.
Thursday, May 3, 8:20 pm
We drove back to the library, where Riven picked me up for our date. On the way, he stopped at the drive-through coffee shop, and we grabbed two iced Americanos. He's got his black and plain, and I've got mine with simple sugar syrup.
I love sweet things... maybe that is why I ended up meeting Rita, who introduced me to the sugar baby world. What a thought to catch on the drive back, watching Riven overdoing the speed limit yet holding my hand, showing confidence in his action. And he did —he dropped me off near the library safely.
I was relieved that he didn't ask why he was driving me back to my home; otherwise, I would have had to make up another lie.
"Thank you again for your time, Charlotte."
He didn't want to let go of my hand, and I didn't have the strength to pull it away."I have to go. See you next time, Riven."
"Charlotte, wait..."
Our hands were still intertwined, both of us clearly waiting for something to happen.
"Riven, we will meet again soon..."
"I know. I just want to look a little longer at you before you go."
I couldn't resist him like Alexander couldn't resist me, ironically. I leaned in to kiss him on the cheek and pulled away as fast as I could, minimizing the chance of a real kiss. This moment had to be saved for another time.
"Why are you doing this to me? I just told you to hold back for a while..." he smiled, and I saw sparks in his eyes, a truly mesmerizing moment.
Unlike Alexander, his eyes radiated love, not predator lust.
Riven squeezed my hand tightly, and then leaned in; this time, we kissed on the lips.
Time froze. I thought I'd gone deaf for a moment, as all the noises of New York disappeared. His lips felt like an electric shock, spreading a pleasant tingling sensation throughout my entire body. It was like a trip to space and back ; way better than what I'd imagined in a hotel room.
"Let's say we both lied today," I joked as we finished our kiss.
"That's true, but now we're both on an honest note, right?"
"Yes, we are."
It's so unfortunate that I started this relationship on a foundation of lies. But I can't not have him, that's for sure...
As I was arriving back home, I kept thinking the same thought:
"One for the soil, another for the soul."
I didn't realize how needy my soul was for true romance, how hungry I was for a relationship. Now I have a plan: I'll 'charge' myself with Riven, and lose that charge to Alexander. This should work out...
When I came home, there were no signs of life in the apartment. On the kitchen island, Rita left me a note:
"Left for work. Have to keep up with your earnings!
P.S. Sushi's in the fridge. Love you! xoxo"
Japanese food sounded just right! I opened the fridge to eat my late-night dinner when suddenly I saw a message on my phone. It was from my Alexander:
-Hope you are enjoying your new place. Tomorrow I would love to see you at Four Seasons again, I booked a spa just for the two of us. You need to relax before exams.
My appetite disappeared...