Chapter Forty-Four
My Purpose
It didn't come easy, y'know. The happiness that I earned, it didn't just fall into my lap or come to me all of a sudden. I clawed for it, bled for it, cried for it more times than I can care to remember or admit out loud.
The voice is soft, patient, as if speaking from decades of experience—like an old man reminiscing about his past mistakes, of his failures. But with it is sorrow, a tart blueberry flavor that brought an image of blue to him, even if the familiarity conveyed much more than that.
But nonetheless, I got it. I want you to see it, to experience it with me, even if it hurts to face what you lost out on. Maybe with this, you can come to terms with your own shortcomings.
That's when he was able to see, to feel, but he could not acknowledge it as his own. All of these senses were not his, muted and coming to him as if light through water—a muted world that was more dreamlike than anything. His own body and eyes moved without his command, even when he desired something else.
"Hey, Naruto," a familiar voice greeted him and he looked up to find his best friend right there.
The golden sun kissed golden sand, casting a warm glow that was almost too bright for his eyes. A white robe more fitting for this desert environment, green accents and coloring clashing with the red hair of his best friend. Even with the hat, the hat of the Kazekage, covering much of his face he could still see the eyes of his second brother—even though they were much softer than he remembered in life.
"What's up, Gaara," he grinned and stood to his feet before pulling his friend into a hug.
"Still no respect for titles and traditions," Gaara laughed but there was no lecture or disappointment.
Gaara…he was like me, like us. Hated. Feared. Just a weapon to his village. But we saw in him the same broken mirror that used to reflect back at us when we looked at the stream behind the Academy.
We fought him, talked to him, and showed him the kindness he thought was not worthy of him. We gave him purpose again. He listened to us, trusted us. He believed in our words, even when the world was harsh.
That's all we ever wanted, wasn't it? For someone to listen.
There is a pride swelling in his chest as he stepped back to look at his best friend, the Kazekage of Sunagakure. His brother.
He was the first person we saved after the failure of Wave. But that is where it ended for you, not even seeing the true extent of love we held for him, and he for us.
For me, it was just the beginning of a life full of ups and downs, of pain and love.
His vision now shifted, bringing him to a new environment. Now he was a kid again, staring up now at a man that brought an ache to his heart even if it was overshadowed by childish annoyance.
But the man, his wild white hair and kabuki outfit marking him as an outlandish individual, was surrounded in yellow, orchid, grey; he recognized those colored auras—knowing them to mean joy, excitement, and…fear.
"Hey! Who are you anyway!"
"I am glad you asked!" The man whipped his long ponytail backwards before striking a dramatic pose with a wide grin on his face. "I am known as the Toage Sage, Jiraiya!"
Our first meeting with Jiraiya-sensei could not have been more fated, and certainly not something anyone could expect. Gods do I miss him. He was a pervert, a loudmouth, a fool…but we weren't much better, were we?
He was the only one who truly believed in us. He dragged me through forests, over mountains, through battles and late nights writing future releases of his books. He taught us about seals, about Kurama, about the world outside the village.
He taught me how to fight with a smile on my face.
The tone shifted now, bringing the hazy look into a darkened Hokage office. He stood there, facing Tsunade and his team.
But I didn't save him. I couldn't. He died alone, facing an enemy we could have taken together. That's what I told myself, and I blamed him for abandoning me like everyone else. I had nearly broke when they told me the news.
"What does this geezer Sage want? What did he come so far to talk to me about?"
The toad looked down and took a moment before speaking. "I don't know where to start this but let me see. I suppose the most important thing is…" he looked up and met his eyes. "I'm afraid that Jiraiya-boy has died in battle."
His eyes widened and he took a step back in shock. "W-what… what are you talking about?"
The voices seemed to drown out from there, his own heartbeat pumping in his ears even as everyone continued to talk. He couldn't believe it, he can't. Jiraiya, dead in battle? But he was the strongest one alive!
I ran away like a coward. Jiraiya's student ran away like a weeping child. It took a while for me to get right, to take the shattered pieces and put myself back together. I stood up and I faced the path before me.
I became the next Toad Sage, trained Sage Mode—his final lesson for us that I had to complete alone. I did it because I knew the world was still hurting, because I knew that someone else out there would have to go through the same thing I had to if I did not make a change.
This time he was faced with the briefest of scenes, watching as the entire village looked at him with eyes and feelings he had not seen before. Admiration. Trust. Love.
Jiraiya-sensei believed that we could change the world, and that belief he took with him and faced death with a smile on his face. I did not want to disappoint him, so I accomplished my goal.
I faced the very pain that wanted the world to rot and I gave him another choice. I faced war, Obito, Madara, Kaguya…I faced all of them. I fought for those who once hated me. I forgave the people who abandoned or abused me.
This time he was met with a softer image, a smiling face with pupiless lavender eyes and long hair. He's at the Hyuuga compound now, summer flowers now blooming, with a formal kimono on.
Hinata was so beautiful the day we got married.
She was, her very figure and aura taking away his breath as Kakashi officiated the wedding. Iruka was there in place of his father, Shikamaru being there as his best man—even Sasuke was among his groomsmen.
She had been there in the background, cheering for me, since our days in the Academy. Always watching, always waiting—she saw the real me before anyone else did. Before I had seen myself as worth seeing.
We fell in love—slowly, beautifully, and with that love came our beautiful children.
The voice was cracking emotionally now, and the scene now came to his two sleeping babies. Boruto, his son, and Himawari, his daughter.
Our children. Our family. We used to dream of something like this as kids, becoming the parents we claimed ours wasn't, but we didn't think we'd see it outside of dreams and stories. Fairytales for fools like us.
But here they were. Laughing, crying, making messes!
This voice made him overcome with emotions and he began to weep as he relived the memories he had as a father. How much pride he had, how much he understood the sacrifice his parents had made.
They became shinobi. They grew up in a world of peace that I helped build. A deep breath. I got to be their dad. Not Konoha's Jinchuuriki. Not the Hero. Just…tou-san.
The world washed away and he found himself in control again. This time, he stood on a black floor, blending and melding with the abyss around him.
Two mirrors are placed in front of him and he finally gets a good look at his reflection—two reflections.
The first is him with healthy skin and brilliant blue eyes, a smile on his face that just shined with yellow joy, pink love, and white honesty. Four large white wings were relaxed behind him, a golden halo above his head that radiated purity.
The second is him with copperish-orange skin and dark red eyes, this time with a neutral frown on his face. Two familiar rabbit-like ears framed his head while a bushy fox tail swished behind him.
Both looked at him with pity, varying reasons and emotions coming to him but all he could think about was the life that wasn't his. The family he could have had.
I know you didn't get this—any of it, and for that I'm sorry.
A new him walked between the mirrors and stood across from him, sad eyes watching as he broke down in tears.
It isn't fair, I know. You were taken, betrayed, condemned to become the monster you had been accused of being for your entire life. They denied you your village. Your friends. Your life.
But you still have me. You have this memory. You have this truth.
His vision blurred and with it the two mirrors joined together with the other him.
He wiped his eyes and found his reflection joining the two reflections together. The halo turned red, the scarlet bleeding a beautiful pink, and his features retained the healthy look of his angel reflection, but the animal features of his sinner reflection now turned golden like his hair. The wings, now six in total, became an alternating gold and red that looked like a beautiful balance between heavenly and hellish.
"Now you have a choice," the new version of him, Canon, said and paused.
The silence in the void was unsettling and long. Canon watched with patience and care, his eyes soft and sad as he watched Naruto stare at the ground. There were no more memories to see, no more images to share, and now there is only quiet.
And then it was broken.
Canon watched as Naruto hung his head, his mouth wide in a grin, and his shoulders shook in quiet laughter.
Finally, he looked up and gave Canon a crooked smile. "That's beautiful. Truly. Very heartwarming, very fuzzy. Really makes me feel like I missed out on the grand prize. 'Get betrayed, go to Hell, and live with the fact that you missed out on the life you were owed.'"
Canon met his eyes evenly. No defensiveness. "I didn't come here to gloat. I came because you needed to remember what we are. What we fight for."
"What you fought for," Naruto snapped and got to his feet. "I didn't have a village that turned around and praised me. I didn't have a family's love or Jiraiya's trust. I didn't save Gaara." He stepped forward. "I was belittled for what we did to survive, the life we lived to make sure that we were not broken by those we were protecting with our very existence. For that I was sent to Hell, branded a Sinner, and had to deal with people who unapologetically made a game out of carving their piece into those weaker than them."
His voice cracked, years of restrained emotion boiling to the surface. For once in a long time, he can actually express his anger, his thoughts, on something he forced himself to move on from.
"You speak of forgiveness like it's something owed—like it's the higher road. But did you ever think I shouldn't have to forgive the people who threw me away before I could even speak for myself?!" Silence. "I didn't choose to fall. I didn't betray anyone. I didn't even kill an enemy. I was born hated and I died forgotten. And yet here I am told I'm still the one expected to be merciful. Ha!"
Canon frowned sympathetically. "I know."
"No you don't!" Naruto growled, stepping closely this time. "You think you know. You don't. You had Iruka. You had Sakura. You had Kakashi. They looked past your burden. Me? I had no one. My own mind turned against me. Kurama tried to kill me. My 'village' forgot about me as the only thing that mattered was that I served my purpose as a weapon."
Canon did not show that he was intimidated by Naruto's aggression, only patiently watching the angry red eyes of his condemned self. Softly, harshly, a scoff sliced through the air and a whisper laced with venom and grief was heard.
"You talk about becoming Hokage and having a family. I became a fucking restaurant owner in a city where sins are exchanged like currency and hope is smashed under heel and foot. I lived true to my profession of killer and mercenary, throwing away my ethics to make sure I became comfortable. I no longer cared for the thoughts of others, not truly, and I kept my precious people close to me."
His hands clenched at his sides and he lowered his head in shame, his voice dropping lowly.
"Tayuya, Haku, Stephen, even giving Kris a job. I did it because deep down I did not want to lose that part of me. I wanted to feel like I could live a different reality, act like these outcasts found me and I found them, and we lived our best life even if we struggled. It was like I didn't pursue being a shinobi and instead stayed a civilian but this time I found people like me. I felt happy for a moment."
Canon was silent as he listened—watched—Naruto spill out his heart. Watched as a man who hardened himself to the world around him broke without shedding tears.
"I believe you."
That caught Naruto off guard this time, having expected Canon to express his so-called knowledge. His fists in this moment loosened, coming lax at his side as he looked up at Canon.
"I believe it wasn't fair. I believe that what you lost is not fair. I believe that the angels who sent you to Hell were wrong. I believe that none of this is your fault." His voice waved for a moment, not in weakness but in conviction. "But that is why you need to forgive them all."
"Why?!" Naruto screamed now as his eyes began puffing in emotion, the threat of tears in the corners of his vision. "Why me?! Why must I be the one who has to let it go?!"
"Because if you don't then they win," Canon said resolutely. "The ones who chained you, who brought you low. The ones who made your pain the foundation of their future empire. They wanted you hollow. Burning. Alone. You hold onto that hate, and it feeds their goals. You become what the villagers said you were and you give the enemy what they want."
"So, what, I just lay down and let it go? Pretend it doesn't matter?"
"No," he responded to Naruto's aggression with a shake of his head. "You must remember it. Remember everything that happened and carry it with you. Use it to rise above it all."
Naruto did not say anything in response, his eyes drifting down and to the floor between him and Canon. He couldn't deny it but what Canon said hurt deeply. Like always he had to be the one to forgive others. Like when he was a kid and Hiruzen told him to forgive the villagers because they were simply mourning. Like when he was being bullied and ostracized at school and Iruka told him that he had to prove them different.
Slowly, he opened his mouth but did not speak for a long moment. "You…you saw our pain lead to something better. You got a future where you had a loving family, became the apprentice Jiraiya could be proud of. You gained the friends that made everything we dealt with seem worth it."
Naruto looked up and met Canon's gaze. "Me? My pain didn't rot away with my body in my death. I had to live with that anger, that torment. I had Tayuya who would break dishes in my kitchen at the littlest inconvenience. I had Haku who would cling to me because I had been the first person to see him as something more than a living weapon."
"Did you get to feel what it is like to taste another's emotions? How about someone's emotions in Hell? It's not romantic. It's not pleasing. It's raw. It's addictive. Lust is the richest dark chocolate. Anger is the harsh flavor of a chili pepper. Fear is the sweetest cherry. I get to feel and enjoy it all whether I want to or not."
"Such is the extreme of Kurama's emotion-sensing abilities," Canon commented softly but did not agree or state knowing what it was like—because he didn't.
He never had it that bad, and didn't have to feel such private emotions. He was saved from that by still holding Kurama into their deaths. He could only imagine the toll such raw and unmistakable emotions could take on him at such a young age.
"But still, you kept going."
Naruto blinked at that, showing just a hint of something more than anger and blame.
"Despite the chains, or the hate, or being condemned to damnation…you still opened a home." Canon continued soft and evenly, only taking a moment to make sure his words were meeting Naruto. "You fed people. You gave them jobs. You protected the weak. You loved, even if you won't call it that."
"That was just surviving," Naruto said weakly, quietly.
"No, it's not," Canon now chuckled with a melancholy grin. "That's just us. That's who we are."
Silence stretched between the two, Canon now smiling at the hard wall erected around Naruto's heart. It's the first sign that he was giving away from the hate, from the cycle of blame. Even in the irritation of his silence, Naruto was only frustrated in thought.
This time, Canon took a soft step forward. "You think forgiveness is a gift for the people who hurt you."
"Isn't it?"
"No," Canon's answer was sure. "Forgiveness is a freedom for you. A moment to break free from the control of their effects on you."
"I don't want to be free."
Canon smiled much more softly. "You do, or you wouldn't be here."
"I can't just pretend I'm like you," Naruto grit his teeth as he grew frustrated. "I'm not that boy anymore, I didn't get the things you did to move on. I'm not that idiot that believes everyone can change with understanding and a firm belief."
"You're right, you are much stronger than that." Canon took another step forward. "You endured Hell. You lived with your pain and still protected others. You made a family out of people who had been broken like you. You aren't like me or less than. You are more, Naruto, and you have the chance to do what I couldn't."
"What's that," Naruto asked without rolling his eyes, but his disbelieving stare conveyed as much.
"You can save everything."
The void shimmered, and with it words of scarlet fire began to be written into existence behind Canon.
Despite Naruto being able to see it, Canon started reciting it without looking back.
"The world will stand at a crossroads when the child reaches maturity. Forces of good and evil will vie for their allegiance, knowing that the child's choice will bring about salvation or condemnation. Signs of their coming will not be evident, no great phenomena or explanation, but his life will be felt in the hearts of men and women. In this pivotal moment, all of creation must confront its deepest fears and greatest hopes. Unity, compassion, and wisdom will be necessary to guide the child towards a path of salvation. Should the world falter or fail in its guidance, the shadows that lurk within every soul may rise, leading the child to bring forth a cataclysm from which there is no return."
Naruto stared up at the words, his eyes narrowed and analyzing the extensive paragraph.
"This is but a piece of the prophecy, of your destiny, and of the choice you will make," Canon told Naruto. "This is your moment to decide which path you wish to go down. The one of redemption, of forgiveness, because we of all people know that there is evil and the outcasts being punished by these forces are nothing but innocent. Or will you choose the path of destruction, wipe everything from both good and evil, and let it end here-ultimately giving Darkness and the heretical New Age what they have wanted from the start."
Naruto did not speak for a long moment, still rereading the words and breaking it down in his head. He then turned to Canon with a blank stare. "And what if I was to say I want to burn it all down and be done with it?"
Canon's smile turned into a smirk and his eyes narrowed just enough to not be threatening. "Then go kill Beelzebub right now. Strike down your infant son. Kill Haku, Tayuya, and Charlie and Hestia. Kill Octavia. Kill everyone you took in and grew to care for. That would be a better fate than to let them see the little demon the villagers called you behind your back."
Naruto bit back a snarl, his face twisting sourly, and his hands clenched into fists at his side. "Do not call me that."
"Then don't be one," Canon said with a deep frown as he stared him down. "You have every right to be angry, to want things to be set right, but that will not fix your past. Look at what you are creating, look at the love you spread when you were not given the same courtesy before."
Naruto closed his eyes and hung his head back, his face setting from angry to neutral as quickly as a passing breeze. He just breathed, or whatever it is he is doing in this void, and simply stayed quiet for a few moments. Canon allowed him that, at least, as they both took this as a break from the heavy conversation.
"I have a son?"
Canon looked up and saw Naruto staring up with a small fond smile on his face. "Yes. Apollyon Uzumaki. Beelzebub gave him your last name so he can know who his father was."
"How was he conceived? Sinners can't…"
"You are the Child of God, your soul will pass on your love should you have had any thought or desire for something like that," Canon answered simply and chuckled. "The clarity after intercourse must have had you thinking about a family at some point."
"Hm," Naruto hummed softly to himself and tilted his head—his eyes searching for something above. "It's not easy to let go of this anger. I've lived with it for so long."
"It will take time, yes," Canon nodded his head in agreement. "No better time than to start now, dattebayo."
Naruto laughed at that, softly and whimsically, before shaking his head. "I haven't said that in years. Completely forgot about that verbal tick."
"Another example of how you are unique compared to me," Canon stated with the same smile on his lips. "So, what do you say?"
Naruto took a deep breath before exhaling and nodded his head. "I won't be the same, you know. The person I was, that I grew up to be, will not really exist anymore."
"Oh, no, he will. He will change, yes, but he will still have the same priorities he had before." Canon looked up this time and stared forward. "You will love who you love and protect your precious people. That will never change."
Naruto nodded his head slowly before looking at Canon. "How do we do this?"
Canon held out his hand and tilted his head with a wide grin. "Just take my hand, and you will be reborn. I don't know where, but you will be able to figure out your way when you arrive."
Naruto nodded his head and took Canon's hand. "Thank you…for listening to me."
"Of course," Canon smiled as they both began to glow brightly and their bodies began to turn into particles of light. "Sometimes, all you need is some silent internal discussion with yourself. Good luck, I hope you succeed in what you want."
His four eyes blinked and His pale mouth began to grow into a grin. "He's awake again."
"That didn't take long at all," Jesus remarked with a soft smile. "Five years. I expected at least twelve."
"I expected five years just for healing from Darkness's taint," Yahweh hummed before shaking His head. "All is well, this path is better anyways. What he chooses to do, we will let happen."
Jesus nodded His head before His brown eyes stared out, the scene shifting to the cosmos where a single soft light moved adrift the stars. "Spirit is still wandering. "
"He will be fine," Yahweh waved His hand. "He is still moping that He had to witness Our son's death. He will be fine when Naruto calls for Us again."
"What do you think he will do?" Jesus' whimsical question made Yahweh chuckle.
"If I had a feeling, he would be going to search for the redeemable heretical angels. Coincidentally, a specific black hole should be next to where he will reform…"