I ran with all the strength I had to her side, pulling the baby from her arms, and kicking the door open with a loud bang. Brina followed me, sobbing uncontrollably.
"Where were you!?" she sobbed, trying to see her baby.
I didn't answer, I couldn't. There were no words, just the cold calm that took over in a crisis. I would feel it later. I would pay for every burst of adrenaline, but right now I didn't care. I couldn't think of anything other than trying to bring him back.
Because he was already gone.
Face still, eyes half open, pulse quiet, already cold to the touch. A sob tried to crawl from my throat, but I swallowed it down, rushing to the bench and laying him gently on it.
I unwrapped the blankets, tapping gently on the bottom of his little feet. I knew it was useless, that he wouldn't react, but I had to try. I lay my head close to his face, no breath, and I felt his neck. No pulse.
I put two fingers just below the line of his nipples and pushed gently, trying to restart his heart, in a quick, steady rhythm. He was so small, any mistake I made, one push too far could be catastrophic.
"Come on, Miko," I begged, trying to put all of my energy into his small body. Trying to will my gift into being. I prayed to the goddess of the moon, the first Luna, with everything in me, but still he lay there cold and gone.
I leaned in, covering his mouth and nose with my mouth, breathing into him in small puffs. Still nothing. I sobbed and spun away, dragging down the bottle on the highest shelf out of reach. It was not a safe measure in most circumstances, strictly a last resort, but this was his last chance.
I spilled the contents down his throat, tilting his head back, rolling my fingers gently on his neck to make him swallow.
Nothing.
"Please…." Brina wailed, sound returning to me like a slap. I had tuned out her cries, but as I looked at the still form of the infant, I knew. It was too late. He was long gone.
I looked up at her, meeting her frantic eyes, "Brina…"
"No! No! You lie! He can't be! Help him!" She gripped my arms, shaking me with each word, sobs choking her, a heart-wrenching cry bubbling from within her.
"He was gone before I got here," I said calmly, trying to keep my voice even.
"If you were half the wolf your mother was, he would be alive, but you are a waste. A terrible, disgusting waste of talent. I hope you get what you deserve," she sobbed, scooping up her still infant and running from my shop, leaving the door swinging behind her.
I sank to the floor, collapsing in on myself. Eyes too wide, breathing so fast it hurt. I knew this wasn't good in some part of my brain. Dangerous.
I couldn't move, locked in the nightmare of failing again and again. I saw every face I had let down. Every person I had failed to save, until at last my mother swam into my mind.
I jerked to my feet, a terrible scream ripping through my throat so loud the silence after was deafening.
A grabbed the nearest object, a vial of medicine, the one that had failed, and slammed it into the ground with all my might. All rational thought and logic are gone in the pain. I grabbed more off the shelf, slamming them into the ground one after another. I didn't care that they were expensive, irreplaceable. I just wanted the pain to stop. The glass cut into my feet, leaving a bloody trail behind me as I wrecked my own shop and stumbled out into the streets, wailing at the sky.
"Why! Why not me? Why!" I roared at the top of my lungs. I didn't care who heard or what they thought.
I saw movement behind me. My brother watched me with eyes cold and unreadable.
"What!? Come to mock the failure? Do you think I want this? That…I…that.." I stumbled backwards, the world spinning. "I want my mother too! I want her back."
Sobbing too hard to see, I ran racing through the streets trying to get away from the thoughts in my head. I ran right to the last comfort I had left in the world.
Miss May opened the door as I slammed my fists into it, startled. I pushed past her, ignoring her questions, and collapsed onto my father's bed, wrapping myself around him.
He stroked my hair, eyes still staring straight ahead as I cried. Miss May watched silently until I started to calm.
She perched on the edge of the bed, rubbing my back, "Do you want to tell me what happened?"
"Miko is gone. I was too late… I wasn't there. I should have been there," I said, hollow. I had spent all my energy and was left with this terrible emptiness.
"Last I checked, you aren't omniscient. You are just Lilliah, trying her best."
"My best isn't enough." I sat up, looking down at my father. His blank eyes stared ahead, unblinking. "I am sorry, I let you down first."
Miss May pulled me to her side, cradling me against her like a child.
"Your mother made a choice. A slightly selfish but understandable one. She couldn't live without him, so she gave everything for him. That is love, we sacrifice everything. She didn't expect you to save her, nor would she have wanted you to."
"But I needed her."
"We don't always know how things will play out. Life is a series of twists and turns until we meet our end. You can't keep people from dying, Lilliah. When the gods call them home, you can't stop death, or you get pulled in to," she said, handing me a handkerchief.
I wiped my eyes, leaning into her comfort. "I destroyed everything."
"Well, now you have an excuse to go gather more. I think it is best you give everyone some space for a few days. Let me talk to them, tell them what happened," she suggested, pulling me to my feet. She frowned down at my wounds.
I pulled from her grip, still not feeling them. "I will be back soon, then, I won't go far. Have Cinder come find me if you need me."
"Lilliah…" she started to say, to make me stay for a moment.
Then I ran like a coward away from my responsibilities, away from the pain I caused, away from everything. Climbing up into the ring of trees, not looking back.
⋆···✦···⋆
I wandered for hours, or it felt like hours. Time had no meaning. I didn't feel the bite of pain of the cold or the wounds in my feet; the only thing I could feel was a deep emptiness.
It swallowed me whole, leaving the shell behind. The woods swam around me, pulling me on and on.
Eventually, I collapsed, unable to take another step. I looked around, confused. The ground here still had grass growing, and tiny flowers dotted the green, looking ethereal in the dim light of the setting sun.
I sat up groaning. Pain started to seep into my numb haze. I sighed, picking shards of glass from my feet in the dying light. I had just picked out the last piece when I looked up and jumped back, startled for a moment.
A huge statue stood before me. A large wolf that seemed to be staring right at me. It was pure white and seemed to glow as darkness closed in around us. I swallowed, heart racing, and bowed my head, realizing what it was at last.
Selunea, the first Luna, or a shrine to her. I had been here before. Passing it on my way to scavenge for herbs and food. I wasn't particularly religious, but I usually brought an offering just in case.
"Can I rest here? I am just so tired," I asked her, lying at her feet.
A soft wind blew over me, warmer than it had been, more comfortable than it should be for this time of year. My body gave in, falling into a sleep so deep and dreamless I could almost swear she heard me.
Bright light woke me eventually. I sat up, rubbing my eyes, disoriented for a moment. I ached everywhere, but it was a dull pain, much less intense than it ought to have been.
I turned my foot over, frowning at the rapidly healing wounds. They should still have been bleeding. It should have hurt more the day after, not less. It looked like days of healing had happened overnight.
A warm caressing wind blew over me again, teasing my hair smelling of roses, long out of season. Shivers ran through me, but I looked up at the statue and bowed my head to it again.
"Thank you, I really needed the help," I said, feeling a bit foolish for talking to stone.
I got up, carefully checking if I could walk, maybe not very fast, but I could hold my weight at least. I took a careful step and then another, feeling like the statue watched me.
I bowed low to it once more, exposing my neck in respect, and made my way slowly back toward town.
I didn't want to see anyone. Not yet, not after I had let them down so badly. I would get my supplies, then I would come back and get back what I had lost, then I would face them once more.
I regretted destroying everything. People needed that medicine to survive long enough for Quill to get them the antibiotics, and I had gone and doomed, Selunea knew how many people.
I just hoped that I could get it back in time to not lose anyone else. I swallowed the lump in my throat at the thought of my outburst dooming anyone.
I made it back a lot faster than I thought I would. The sun was just starting to set as I made it to my shop unseen.
I peeked inside warily. Thankfully, it was empty. The glass had been swept up, and someone had tried to straighten what was left unsmashed. I hoped it wasn't Mira. I couldn't handle it if she saw what I had done. I crept inside, running for my room. I grabbed the big backpack I used when I went gathering. Slinging it over my back, I looked around for anything I could use as containers. A box of empty vials was under my bed. I dragged them out and put them in my bag, as well as a knife and a needle, and thread.
I also grabbed a roll of clean cloth and a few bottles of willow bark, a mild pain reliever. I didn't take them yet, but decided it would be better to be able to keep going than to go without.
A crate of my strong fever reducer sat against one wall, untouched. I picked it up, cradling it under one arm. I wish I could write so I could avoid talking to anyone. I would just leave it with Miss May. She would know how to use it more than anyone else, and she already knew what a coward I was.
I snuck back out, looking up and down the street. I didn't see anyone as I stepped out, darting for an alley.
"Lilliah! Wait!" Someone called behind me. I turned to see Cinder standing there, hand stretched toward me.
"I will be back in a few days. I need supplies," I called to him, running off before he could catch up.
I could hear him behind me trying to catch up, but I squeezed behind a building, staying put until he was out of sight. I breathed a sigh of relief and ran the other way. It felt bad to avoid him when he was so concerned, but I knew sympathy would shatter my careful control.
I desperately needed space. I just hoped he could forgive me after.
I wove through the streets, head down, avoiding the curious eyes on me. No one else tried to stop me. Either they were angry with me, or maybe the look on my face kept them away, but they let me go without a word.
I knocked gently on Miss May's doorstep, leaving the medicine there and hurriedly backing away until I was at the street.
She opened the door in a hurry once she saw me. "There you are, we were worried sick! Cinder is ready to burn down the world. You had better talk to him."
I shook my head emphatically, backing away further. "I just came to give you that. Save it for the worst of the fevers. Have Quill give those who are most ill the medicine he made first. I will be back with more in a day or so."
"So you are running away again?" She asked, frowning.
"You are the one who said it was for the best. I also destroyed most of my medicine. I need to replace it before anything else happens."
"Alright, but I might not be able to keep the hot head from doing something stupid. There was another incident last night that could cause some trouble…"
I cut her off before she could finish, not able to handle the guilt of leaving in another crisis. "Don't worry, I will be back before you know it."
I walked off before she could tell me, trying to keep my pace slow. Running would draw attention.
I made it back to the safety of the trees, sighing with relief. The moon was full just a few days ago, so it lit my way well enough. I wove through the trees, feeling it on me like a hand. I wrinkled my nose at the feeling. I had never felt the moon before. It was an odd sensation. I wondered if it was my imagination. Perhaps stress was getting to me.
I stopped in a familiar clearing. There was a large pond in the middle with a tiny hut on the water's edge. My father had built it for fishing long before my mother died. It was aging badly now, but it was shelter, and the snow had returned. I often used it as a base when I was out in the woods. A lot of people knew of it, but I doubted anyone cared enough to look for me. Not after what I had done.
I tossed my pack on the dirty floor and went out to gather enough wood to start a fire. I hadn't eaten since Quill's, but I still wasn't hungry. The cold, however, was starting to seep into my bones. Though it didn't seem to have as much bite as before, my feet stayed a somewhat healthy color despite wading through slush for hours.
The silence around me felt lonelier than normal. I shook off my unease and lit the fire, warming myself. A tiny bed lay against one wall. The cover was moth-eaten and so thin you could see through it, but it was better than nothing. I wrapped it around me, staring into the flames, trying to calm my spiraling mind.
This was selfish. I knew it was, but I couldn't bring myself to face another person I would inevitably let down.