The seventh year of the Apocalypse reign, eighth day of the eighth month — a date so auspicious that even fortune-tellers would feel embarrassed refusing a tip. Therefore, naturally, that had to be the official opening day of the freshly-built Temple of Daoxuan Tianzun.
Never mind that the temple had already been finished two days earlier.Facts are facts, but in the face of auspicious timing, facts must politely step aside.
San Shier, Madam Third, Gao Yiye, and the village chief all reached the same scholarly conclusion:"August 8 sounds lucky."Therefore, the villagers must pretend the building wasn't finished until that day. Bureaucracy begins early in life.
And so, on this grand date, more than a hundred villagers put on their cleanest clothes — which mostly meant clothes that had dried in the sun at least once — and lined up as neatly as a few school classes preparing for a flag-raising ceremony.
Gao Yiye took center stage, dressed in blinding white, painted like she might be auditioning for the role of "goddess descended from a cloud," kneeling solemnly before the newly christened "Daoxuan Tianzun Cave."
Why call a temple a cave?Because Ming naming conventions are like government decrees — if it sounds grand, logic is optional.
But credit where it's due: "Daoxuan Tianzun Cave" truly was the most luxurious structure in all of Gaojia Village. A real architectural masterpiece — stone foundation, refined carpentry, and enough paint to make it visible to archers from half the prefecture away.
The statue inside was exquisitely carved. It had only one defect:It was 32% more handsome and 320% more majestic than Li Daoxuan himself.
Li Daoxuan stared through the magnifying window of the box and was briefly tempted to reach in, yank out the statue, walk into town, and sell it to Master Cai for a respectable price. But then he saw the villagers worshipping so earnestly that he sighed:
Fine. I will be a decent person… today.
Gao Yiye began reciting the ceremonial prayer. Last time she had stumbled like a student reading classical text for the first time, but this time she managed a smooth, almost respectable rhythm. A week of studying under Madam Third had done its job.
After finishing one line, she gestured grandly."Ring the bell!"
Gao Chuwu took a sledgehammer — because subtlety is for scholars — and began pounding the huge bronze bell:
"WHONG—! WHONG—! WHONG—!"
The bell rang out slow and long, with a hint of solemn spirituality. It was clearly the work of two blacksmiths, Li Da and Gao Yiyi, whose talents seemed to lean heavily toward crafting religious bells and not the iron armor Li Daoxuan had explicitly ordered half a month ago.
Fantastic, Li Daoxuan thought, I asked for armor, and instead I get a very holy bell. Truly, this is how all official instructions die in the hands of craftsmen.
The ceremony concluded, and the "Daoxuan Tianzun Cave" was officially opened. The villagers queued up, entered in turn, knelt before the statue, and kowtowed loudly — peasants in ritual mode were nothing if not enthusiastic.
Li Daoxuan pressed the magnifying lens to watch.
One villager kowtowed five times."May Tianzun bless us with smooth weather and a bountiful harvest next year!"
Simple wish, Li Daoxuan thought. I already plan to water your fields daily. Even if the entire Ming Empire suffers drought, you people will think Heaven personally favors Gaojia Village.
Feeling mischievous, he instructed:"Yiye, tell him his wish is approved."
Gao Yiye immediately straightened her posture, voice solemn."Rise! Tianzun has granted your wish."
The villager froze midway between disbelief and ecstasy."Really? Truly granted?"
"Just now," Gao Yiye confirmed gravely.
The man stumbled out of the temple, laughing, only to panic halfway when he remembered he hadn't bowed properly. He rushed back, kowtowed urgently, then sprinted back out shouting:
"Heaven has granted it! Next year we can plant! Three years of drought, and now— Hahaha!"
Madam Third leapt out, grabbed him, and barked:"If you get a harvest next year, don't forget to repay your vow!"
"Yes, yes, absolutely!" he promised and ran off again.
Seeing this, the villagers lined up with the zeal of taxpayers who'd just heard rumors of a rebate.
Another villager prayed,"May our field produce a few more dou of grain than usual."
Some fertilizer will do, Daoxuan thought."Yiye, tell him it's approved."
Approved, ecstatic, kowtow-run-laugh — the usual cycle.
And then… San Shier arrived.
He swaggered up like he'd discovered a new form of amusement, knelt, and kowtowed deeply:"Please bless me, Tianzun, that the thing below grows longer and lasts longer, so from now on I may possess dragon spirit and tiger vigor!"
Li Daoxuan nearly choked."Oh hell no. Yiye! Tell him to get out!"
Gao Yiye blinked, then repeated dutifully,"Tianzun is angry. He orders you to leave immediately."
San Shier fled clutching his pet mouse, tail between his legs — metaphorically and perhaps spiritually.
The whole village burst into laughter, even Li Daoxuan.
But fun has an expiration date.
Suddenly, the sentinels atop the city wall began hammering the bamboo alarm-tubes:
"DONG! DONG! DONG!"
"People coming! People coming! Many people coming!"
At once the village erupted like a disturbed beehive. Everyone sprinted toward the walls.
Li Daoxuan straightened, peering outside.
But his divine-master field of vision only covered 500 by 300 meters — enough for the village and its fields, but utterly useless for anything beyond. Meanwhile, the villagers could see actual miles into the distance.
So they screamed warnings… while Li Daoxuan saw nothing.
"Seriously?" he muttered. "How is Heaven supposed to manage anything with this terrible eyesight?"
The village had entered full panic mode. Without organization, peasants were simply enthusiastic chaos.
But then — the same San Shier who had just prayed for "dragon spirit and tiger vigor" suddenly transformed into a general.
He climbed the wall, took one look, and shouted like a commander who had finally discovered his calling:
"All those with weapons — grab them!No weapons? Then take pot lids! Brooms! Mops! Sickles! Hoes!I don't care — if it can hit something, bring it to the wall!"
The villagers immediately obeyed like well-trained but confused ducklings.
And thus, Gaojia Village prepared for war with:2 spears,4 rusty swords,and approximately 87 pieces of improvised household equipment.