Chapter 15: Dignity?
Inside the church, the heart-rending cries of two grown men finally faded, leaving only scattered sobs and muttered whispers dripping with self-loathing.
The air hung thick with the miserable scent of pure social death.
Perona admired her handiwork with deep satisfaction. Watching the two men who moments ago were ready to claw each other's throats now lying flat like salted fish left out to dry, she felt that this new world wasn't so bad after all.
Still, the negative ghosts' effect was temporary.
Kazuma recovered first. The crushing despair receded like a retreating tide, replaced instantly by a sharper, far more personal terror.
What… did he just say?
Tractor… wet pants… shock death… virgin… Excalibur…
Each word felt like a red-hot brand searing into his nerves. He stiffly rolled his eyes to the side and saw Gintoki sprawled beside him.
Then he remembered Gintoki's confessions.
Old hag… slept with her… beast…
Kazuma's mind glitched for a moment.
A ridiculous mix of sympathy and an incredulous "holy crap" stunned him long enough to forget his own humiliation.
Then their eyes met—Gintoki's wide, horrified dead-fish gaze staring right back at him.
A shiver ran through both of them.
They remembered everything.
Not only did they confess their own darkest secrets, they heard each other's.
Worst of all… standing in front of them was a very alive, very smug witness to the entire thing.
Like puppets pulled by the same string, the two men slowly lifted their heads toward the gothic girl hugging a plush toy under a frilly parasol.
Perona watched them with open amusement. That devilish little smile on her lips burned hotter than hellfire in their eyes.
"Horohorohoro… so you actually died because you were scared of a tractor? That's a brand-new way to go," she remarked with airy innocence, tapping her umbrella in Kazuma's direction.
Kazuma's face drained of color in an instant.
"And you," she added, turning the umbrella tip toward Gintoki, "your tastes are… unique. Sixty-plus… horohoro… truly eye-opening."
Gintoki's entire body petrified on the spot. The legend of the White Demon shattered into dust right then and there.
It was over.
Completely over.
Both men heard the same internal alarm screaming in their heads.
This was no longer about battle power or faction alignment. This was about the last trace of dignity a man—or any intelligent being in the universe—needed to survive.
Thud!
The crisp sound of knees hitting the floor rang out.
Satou Kazuma, hero from another world, made the swiftest tactical decision of his entire isekai career just milliseconds before his dignity evaporated—he dove into a perfect kneeling bow.
His dogeza was textbook level. Full prostration. Forehead pressed against the cold floor. His posture and volume could've put any medieval retainer to shame.
"Perona-sama!" he exclaimed.
"No! Princess Perona! No! Her Majesty Queen Perona! Please! I beg you to show mercy! Treat everything I just said as the raving of a miserable, ignorant, lowly maggot before its death!"
"I, Satou Kazuma, from this day forward, am your most loyal servant! As long as you keep this secret, my worthless life is yours!"
Gintoki stared at him, stunned.
This man who'd been arguing with him seconds ago was now kneeling with an elegance and speed that defied human physiology.
What reaction time. What breathtaking willingness to abandon pride.
He, Sakata Gintoki, was actually losing the competition of who could throw away their dignity first.
Unacceptable.
No way in hell am I losing at something like this!
THUD!
With a heavier, almost dramatic crash, Gintoki slid into a prostration that put Kazuma's to shame. He dove forward with the ferocity of a hungry tiger, using his height to end up even closer—nearly kissing Perona's high heel.
"Your Majesty!" His voice cracked with despair, carrying a level of misery that eclipsed Kazuma by a mile.
"Please don't listen to that virgin spouting nonsense! One look and you can tell he's a rookie at groveling. His posture is terrible! Look at me instead! Look at this perfect, sincere kneel performed by a man with real social experience!"
As he spoke, he vigorously wiped the small area of floor tiles in front of Perona's shoes with his sleeve, as if it were some sacred altar.
"Everything I said earlier was just a dream! Yes, a dream! I dreamt I turned into a strawberry milkshake and got swallowed by an old lady named Otose!"
"That's exactly what happened! Nothing like what you're thinking! I, Sakata Gintoki, am pure of heart and body! My only loves are JUMP magazine and strawberry milk!"
Kazuma panicked. He shuffled forward on his knees, trying to wedge himself between Gintoki and Perona.
"Don't believe him! This wavy-haired fraud lies from his scalp to his toenails! I'm the one who sincerely wants to serve you! I can even warm your bed! No, wait, I can clean your room! Wash your clothes! Cook your meals! I can steal too! I can steal anything! Point at something you want, and I'll swipe it for you! My luck stat is incredible!"
"Spit on that!" Gintoki barked right back.
"You thieving pervert probably stole girls' underwear! Your Majesty, don't listen to him. Look at me! I run a professional odd-jobs service! I'm skilled in plumbing repairs, lost-item retrieval, life counseling, even waiting in lines! And fighting too! I'm the most cost-efficient servant! If you hire me now, I'll even throw in my legendary wooden sword, Lake Toya!"
"That lousy wooden stick can't even cut through my bath towel!"
"And you've got the nerve to bring up your towel?!"
Hugging Kumashi and holding up her red parasol, Perona gazed down at the two men who were arguing fiercely over who deserved the title of "Number-One Servant," exposing each other's shortcomings with increasing intensity.
For a moment, she was genuinely speechless.
What is wrong with these two? Are their brains wired differently from normal people?
But this feeling…
This feeling of being flattered, worshiped, and practically fought over by two (admittedly useless-looking) men…
It wasn't bad.
And she did need helpers in this new world.
So why not…
"Horohorohorohoro…"
Perona let out a content giggle. She tapped Kazuma's chin with her umbrella tip, then nudged Gintoki's forehead, as though inspecting freshly acquired trophies.
"What a pair of pathetic yet entertaining worms." Her tone dripped with imperious indulgence.
"Fine. This princess will graciously accept your loyalty."
"Thank goodness!"
"Bless Your Majesty's mercy! Long live Princess Perona! Long live!!!"
The two shameless men shouted in unison, their faces glowing with the relief of survivors escaping a catastrophe.
"But," Perona continued, her smile turning sharp, "your embarrassing secrets will stay right here, in my heart. If either of you dare disobey… or try to run…"
She didn't finish the sentence. She didn't need to.
The sinister "horohoro", along with the four negative ghosts peeking out again, said enough.
Kazuma and Gintoki shuddered and dropped their heads even lower.
"Never! We'd never dare!"
"Good." Perona nodded with satisfaction. She glanced around the cold, dilapidated church and wrinkled her nose.
"Well then, my two new servants," she said in a commanding tone. "I'm cold, hungry, and unfamiliar with this awful place. Your task now is to find me somewhere worthy of my status—something grand, like a castle—and bring me the finest sweets and a cup of hot chocolate."
"Oh, and one more thing," she added, eyeing Kazuma's bare body and then Gintoki's still-intact clothes. "Find him something to wear. I refuse to walk around with a naked pervert beside me. It ruins my image as a princess."
"As you command, Your Majesty!"
Kazuma and Gintoki shouted in unison once more, fired up with spirit.
Dignity? Integrity? What's that?
Can it be eaten?
As long as they could protect those secrets more precious than life itself, they didn't mind being servants…
Or even well-trained pet dogs.