As cozy as my jacket was, it had a type of coldness going on, it seemed as though we had arrived at a grave yard, I felt cold shivers down my spine each time I took a step closer to the door, I couldn't get myself to enter the funeral home. Everything is going too fast, I had just got back from a camping trip with uncle last week, now I'm saying goodbye to him forever, its still unfair, how can I let go without knowing the reasoning towards it. I tried talking myself into taking a turn back, but my heart wouldn't allow me.
The weather outside was very obscure, I mean it was extremely cold, yet the wind present there was very humid, more like it was supposed to be hot instead.
As the car pulled up in its blackness, everything happened so fast that all I can really say was happening was the return of my uncles corpse. Nothing was as heart wrenching as watching his casket entering the hall one last time, its very hard to believe that this would be the last of his entire existence. His whole life had finally summed up to his own funeral, and what a beautiful ceremony it was, as each family member decked up just to fill their attire with tears at the end, his final farewell, his last day in recognition.
Imagining life without having my better half gave that night even more sorrow, the thought that I would have to make my own breakfast every morning, having to remind myself to brush my teeth everyday, and most importantly, there were never going to be any more camping trips for me to go to anymore. I felt tears gushing down my face, so much so that I ended up tripping on my own foot, I took a look at the trees which were outside one last time. Although there was a kind of coldness about them, they were able to console my heart a little, knowing that I was at least able to give uncle Paul my last goodbye.
I walked into the funeral home proudly, controlling my eyes with each step I took.
The decor wasn't too bad though, it was fit for a king, even if it was a fallen king. The theme of black/white which was chosen symbolised his life in its own way, as he was always a ray of hope which we all needed at the end of a long scorching hot day, the realise which we got from his warm smile every time we walked in from the door could wash away all our worries in a second. And yet his 'one sin' completely destroyed us, leaving our hearts shattered, with no chance of bringing the pieces together into harmony again.
As I sat there staring at the casket as it went into the ground at the most slowest condition I've ever witnessed, my mind keeps rewinding his murder over and over again, until I had finally come to a point whereby I knew his sudden suicide might have been a plan of his for some time, yes he was a very morally scrupulous man but any person can loose their morals when facing an unimaginable moment. Maybe he was trying to end something or actually start something in turn, but who knew, he wasn't the kind of person to blab out his motives with anyone under any circumstances.
" But why take such a drastic step in the first place, why?, it makes no sense at all." I said, murmuring to myself that I couldn't notice mother starring at me, ready to smack me back to my senses. When I did finally notice her piercing eyes I just stared at the floor ashamed of my actions of course. But the thought never left my head.
20/04/20
'The best reasoning behind any action is one which doesn't exist. Not everything has to make sense at the end, not everyone is going to see things in your perspective, rather not disclose it to start with, thus decreasing the kind of attention given to such an act in the long run. '
I used to believe that everything which happened in the past had to happen in order for the future to exist, more like every moment is meaningful and preplanned, woven by each piece of thought we put our minds too.
Mother had been acting weird that night, more like she was trying her absolute best to make sure that her eyes did not meet aunts eyes even for a second. You could feel the intensity in their eyesight, they were able to feel the room with awkwardness by a single step. But then again the misunderstanding was bound to happen, aunt did feel like she like an outsider with everything that has been going on, she kept herself more composed than I would have originally thought she would, more like she was ready to pop at any moment, and he thought of that happening scared me more than death itself, as we all know, she wasn't the type to really get worked up about things easily, let alone being enraged.
21/04/20
( a beautiful memory)
You are the stars
As the wind whispers, your voice disappears with each beautiful tune,
left with the coldness of the night.
With the distance of each star, engraved on each blink of your eyes,
as you manuver through each memory,
your presence takes it's place.
As I accompany your shattered soul through time,
picking the pieces at each breach of your touch.
The darkness of your lips, …
scorching my mind with memories of times which are never to return,
pinching my skin, for reality has set its path,
benevolently walking through each season, with time as still as your numb heart.
With a scent that wavers at my strength,
to set a barrier, with love at its knees.
And a kiss, …
it keeps a heart at place, fixing the palpitations I ought to feel.
With a farewell smile,
Your beauty radiates through each snowflake you left behind.
With a shell left to pass the hills of fate,
a glow in the starry night, set to draw a path for your unfinished battle.
A push, irregular with the distance we are set to pass,
the balance of night and day,
closing every inch of hope we see through dawn,
we seek a time, gone with years which came before.