Renn had decided that Wednesday mornings in the Endless World were objectively worse than Wednesday mornings on Earth. At least back on Earth when you failed there was no chance of magical creatures beating you up again to remind you of your incompetence.
"Alright Mr. Whiskers," he said adjusting the backpack strap. He had managed to convince the cat to get inside after twenty minutes of negotiation and tuna bribes. "Here is the plan. We go there I try something different and when I inevitably fail at least you will be a witness that I tried."
The cat poked his head out of the opening looking at him with that expression of eternal judgment perfected over the last three months.
"Don't look at me like that. I have a new approach."
His new approach consisted of having no plan which technically differed from his previous attempts plagued by terrible strategies.
The teleport point at Eldridge Academy was almost empty at seven in the morning. Only a few freshmen were waiting nervous and excited for their first expeditions. Renn envied them. There was something beautiful about that ignorance before reality hit you.
"Blackwood."
Renn froze. The universe had a cruel sense of humor.
Marcus Veldren stood near the platforms surrounded by three of his troops: two kobolds in light armor and a minor golem made of poorly glued stones that could probably crush Renn without effort.
"Good morning Marcus," Renn said trying to walk toward his platform without stopping.
"Returning to your swamp paradise?" Marcus smiled that smile that made Renn want to disappear. "So you decided to try again."
"News travels fast."
"Lily can be very talkative when she is worried." Marcus approached with his troops flanking him. "Tell me what is your plan this time? More strategic naps?"
"Something like that," Renn muttered.
"And what do you have in the backpack?" Marcus pointed at Mr. Whiskers' orange head. "Did you bring lunch?"
"He is my... strategic consultant."
Marcus blinked and burst out laughing.
"You brought a cat! As a consultant!" He turned to his friends. "Guys Blackwood brought a cat to help him be a Lord!"
The kobolds squeaked in what Renn assumed was laughter.
"At least my consultant doesn't need me to pay him," Renn replied stepping onto his platform.
"Good luck Swamp Lord!" Marcus shouted as the runes glowed under Renn's feet. "Try not to lose against more raccoons!"
The blue light enveloped him. Renn felt the fall through space of interdimensional teleportation and a moment later he landed in his territory.
The Swamp of Rotten Woods had not improved.
The water kept its sickly green color and the trees looked like they had seen better millennia. It was the ideal place for witches or cultists not for a Lord looking for a respectable career.
"Home sweet home," he muttered releasing Mr. Whiskers.
The cat jumped onto the swampy ground and started walking with an unseen purpose. Instead of his usual wandering he moved straight to a target.
"Whiskers?" Renn followed him splashing through ankle-deep water. "Where are you going?"
The cat was heading straight for the troop tower.
The structure remained as imposing and useless as ever: three floors of black stone with faintly glowing runes almost a mockery. Renn had spent hours in front of it trying to unlock it.
Mr. Whiskers sat in front of the entrance and meowed.
"Yeah I know," Renn said upon arriving. "This is the famous tower that hates me. I have tried everything with..."
His bracelet glowed brightly.
Not the usual soft glow but an almost blinding golden light. The holographic screen unfolded with a new message.
[SCANNING... TRUE LORD DETECTED]
"True Lord?" Renn looked around. "Where?"
[HER ROYAL HIGHNESS: PRINCESS LYSANDRA UMBRALUNA OF THE CELESTIAL COURT][RANK: DIMENSIONAL ROYALTY][TITLE: HEIR TO THE THRONE OF ETERNAL SHADOWS]
"What the hell?" Renn checked the empty swamp. "Is there a princess here? Where?"
Mr. Whiskers looked at him and yawned communicating boredom superiority and a clear finally you realized it idiot.
The screen changed.
[HER HIGHNESS TRANSFERS TEMPORARY AUTHORITY][NEW ACTING LORD: RENN BLACKWOOD][RANK: ROYAL SUBORDINATE][NOTE: THIS IS HIGHLY IRREGULAR]
"Subordinate?" Renn looked at the cat with horror. "Are you telling me my own cat is giving me charity?"
Mr. Whiskers, or Princess Lysandra Umbraluna, licked a paw with indifference.
[TROOP TOWER UNLOCKED][S-CLASS SUMMON AVAILABLE][WARNING: S-CLASS SUMMONS OPERATE UNDER SPECIAL PROTOCOLS]
The tower runes increased their intensity and a mist began to seep through the cracks in the stone. Renn's heart raced. After two years he would see his first summon.
"Okay," he told himself stepping back. "S-Class after two years. It must be something incredible. A dragon. A phoenix. Maybe a legendary basilisk!"
The mist swirled hiding the tower and then began to dissipate.
A figure emerged.
Renn held his breath expecting scales or wings.
A cat came out.
A purple cat.
It was the size of a normal cat and advanced with delicate steps ignoring the mud that threatened to stain its paws.
Renn blinked several times.
"A... cat?"
The purple animal ignored him. It walked up to Mr. Whiskers and made a perfect bow.
"My name is Valeria Nightwhisper," the purple cat said with a melodious and feminine voice. "First Blade of the Silent Shadows Guardian of Ancient Secrets and Sworn Protector of the Royal Line."
Her tone suggested she knew exactly forty-seven ways to kill someone without making noise.
"Your Majesty," Valeria continued toward Mr. Whiskers with absolute respect. "I deeply regret the delay. The dimensional barriers have been problematic."
Mr. Whiskers meowed a sound that communicated you are forgiven but do not let it happen again.
"Of course Your Highness. It won't happen again."
Renn looked at both of them processing the scene.
"Excuse me," he said his voice going up an octave. "Can you explain to me what the hell is going on?"
Valeria turned her head toward him assessing him with golden eyes that cataloged his weaknesses in two seconds.
"Ah," she said. "You must be the temporary subordinate."
"Subordinate?" Renn's voice cracked. "Am I a subordinate to my own pet?"
"Technically," Valeria tilted her head. "You are a subordinate of Her Royal Highness Princess Lysandra Umbraluna Heir to the Throne of Eternal Shadows and..."
"Princess?" Renn turned to Mr. Whiskers. "You are a princess?"
The orange cat looked at him with an expression of obviously.
"And all this time I thought you were a fat stray cat?"
Princess Lysandra meowed offended.
"Her Majesty points out that technically you were not completely wrong about the weight," Valeria translated with a touch of amusement.
"Can you understand her?"
"Of course. I am her bodyguard and confidante. I have served the royal family for three centuries."
Renn dropped into the mud.
"Wait a minute." He held his head. "Are you telling me that for the last three months I have had an interdimensional princess living in my pet shop?"
"That seems correct," Valeria confirmed.
"And I named her Mr. Whiskers?"
"An... interesting name for Her Highness."
"And I took her to the vet!"
Valeria blinked.
"Vet?"
"For a checkup! They told her she needed to lose weight!"
Princess Lysandra let out an outraged meow.
"Her Majesty is... less pleased with that revelation," Valeria translated her voice trembling slightly.
"And I told her to stop judging my life choices!"
Another sharp meow.
"Her Highness points out that your choices were objectively questionable."
"That is not the point!" Renn stood up gesturing. "The point is that I have treated royalty like a normal pet! I gave her cheap food! I made her sleep in cages! I bathed her with cat shampoo!"
Valeria stood motionless.
"You... bathed her?"
"Twice! She hated baths!"
Princess Lysandra emitted a guttural sound a promise of future retribution.
"Her Majesty," Valeria said cautiously. "Requires me to remind you that you acted in ignorance. Punishment will be deferred."
"Punishment? Is there punishment for accidentally bathing princesses?"
"Traditionally yes. But Her Highness is merciful."
Renn looked at the two cats. It seemed like an alternate dimension.
"Okay," he said slowly. "Assuming this is real... why was an interdimensional princess pretending to be a stray cat in my shop?"
Valeria looked at Lysandra who meowed a series of complex sounds.
"Her Highness says she was not pretending. She is a cat. It just turns out she is also royalty."
"Is that possible?"
"The Celestial Court has many forms. The feline form is traditional for our royal line."
"Great. Of course." Renn rubbed his temples. "And why did she decide to honor me with her presence?"
Another series of meows.
"Her Highness says you were... adequate."
"Adequate?"
"You provided shelter food and asked no annoying questions. Also," Valeria hesitated.
"Also what?"
"You also showed genuine kindness. Her Highness appreciated that."
Renn felt something warm in his chest immediately crushed by the reality of living off his pet's charity.
"So what happens now?" he asked. "Does she go back to her palace and I go back to being a failure?"
Princess Lysandra meowed firmly.
"Her Highness says that would be boring," Valeria translated. "She has decided to continue with this experiment."
"Experiment?"
"Apparently she finds it amusing to see if you can become competent under royal supervision."
"That is incredibly condescending!"
Another meow.
"Her Highness points out that condescension requires her to lower herself to your level which would be physically impossible."
Renn opened his mouth to reply but closed it. She was right.
"Very well," he said finally. "What am I supposed to do now? How does this work?"
"You are now an S-Class Lord with access to royal summons. I am your first troop."
"You are my troop?"
"I am Her Highness's bodyguard but by extension that makes me your temporary subordinate."
"And you are...?"
"Trained assassin specialist in silent combat and expert in forty-seven ways to eliminate threats," Valeria recited as if talking about the weather.
"Forty-seven?"
"Forty-eight if you count strangulation with dental floss but it is more of a novelty than a practical technique."
Renn looked at her. An adorable purple cat capable of killing him in forty-eight ways.
"And am I supposed to... command you?"
Valeria looked at him with an expression suggesting she found the idea tenderly optimistic.
"Technically yes. In reality I will take orders from Her Highness and keep you alive while you learn not to be useless."
"That is comforting."
"It is realistic."
A noise in the distance interrupted the conversation. Something big was moving through the swamp.
"Oh no," Renn muttered.
"The raccoon?"