Location: Deep within the Whispering Weald
Mission Objective: Survive the Local Wildlife
Curse Status: [SCARRED AUTHORITY FIGURES] | 3 Days, 10 Hours Remaining
The Whispering Weald was a logistical nightmare of epic proportions.
For the past four hours, Ranger Faelan had led the Crisis Management Team through a gauntlet of magical hazards that would have broken a lesser army.
Kaelen watched him with growing professional admiration.
The Elf dismantled enchanted traps with the bored efficiency of a sanitation worker clearing a blocked drain.
"Watch your step."
Faelan kicked a patch of perfectly manicured blue grass.
A gust of wind immediately exploded upward.
Elara's cloak flew over her head.
Her hair whipped across her face.
A few loose pages escaped her journal and disappeared into the trees.
Faelan casually picked up a nearby rock and dropped it onto the grass.
The wind stopped.
"Marilyn-Monroe Ward," he said.
Elara slowly lowered her cloak.
"That has a name?"
"Unfortunately."
Faelan adjusted the orange sash across his chest.
"Step on it and you'll be trapped in a five-minute slow-motion sequence while a phantom string quartet plays in the background."
Kaelen stared at the patch of grass.
"Diabolical."
His greatsword rested across one shoulder.
"They've weaponized the air itself to create vulnerability."
Faelan sighed.
"It's just my Tuesday, Ironclad."
He started walking again.
"Come on. We're almost halfway there."
Elara trudged behind them, her boots caked in pink mud.
"I don't understand."
She pulled a glowing petal from her hair.
"Why is everything here so aggressively pretty?"
She pointed toward a cluster of insects hovering above a flower.
"Even the mosquitoes look like tiny fairies!"
"Because the local leylines are fueled by emotional resonance."
Faelan didn't bother turning around.
"Teenage angst. Unresolved romantic tension. Dramatic breakups. That sort of thing."
Elara frowned.
"And the forest feeds on it?"
"Exactly."
Faelan stepped over another glowing root.
"The flora feeds on drama. The less emotionally interesting you are, the safer you tend to be."
Kaelen immediately nodded.
"Excellent."
He looked at the others.
"Maintain emotional flatlines."
Elara gave him a look.
"You say that like it's easy."
"Oat."
Brother Oat was currently performing a one-handed handstand beside the trail.
Kaelen pointed at him.
"Suppress your aura of approachability."
Oat dropped neatly onto his feet.
He produced a wooden sign.
I AM A BRICK WALL.
Kaelen nodded.
"Good."
Ignis walked beside them, his enormous stone feet sinking slightly into the soft moss.
"Ignis. Status report."
"My emotional state remains at zero."
The golem paused.
"However, I have accumulated 4.2 pounds of glitter on my chassis."
He looked down at himself.
"I appear fabulous."
Another pause.
"This is tactically disadvantageous."
Elara snorted.
"You look wonderful."
"I am reconsidering my loyalty to this forest."
They pushed through a thick curtain of weeping willows.
The branches brushed against their armor like damp fingers.
Then the trees suddenly opened.
A wide, perfectly circular clearing stretched before them.
The grass was an impossible emerald green. A crystal-clear stream wound through the center, sparkling beneath the sunlight. One perfect shaft of golden light broke through the canopy and illuminated the clearing like a stage.
It was beautiful.
Too beautiful.
Faelan stopped.
His hand slowly moved toward his crossbow.
"Hold formation."
His voice had lost its usual boredom.
Kaelen immediately reached for Diplomacy.
"What is it?"
Faelan's pointed ears twitched.
"Class-Four hazard."
Kaelen dropped into a combat stance.
"Identify."
Faelan's expression tightened.
"Beast of absolute purity."
He swallowed.
"It seeks out the innocent and violently rejects the corrupt."
Kaelen's eyes narrowed.
"Threat assessment?"
"Highly territorial."
Faelan glanced toward the clearing.
"And incredibly dramatic."
Something moved between the trees.
A soft, silvery glow appeared.
Then it stepped into the sunlight.
A Unicorn.
Not merely a horse with a horn.
This creature looked as though someone had taken every ridiculous description of mythical beauty and decided to combine them.
Its coat shimmered like crushed pearls. Its mane flowed in an invisible breeze, strands of silver and white drifting around its neck despite the still air.
Where its hooves touched the ground, tiny daisies bloomed.
The Unicorn lifted its head.
It snorted.
The sound echoed through the clearing like silver bells inside a cathedral.
Kaelen's eyes narrowed.
"Is it a commanding officer?"
Elara slowly turned toward him.
"What?"
Kaelen ignored her.
His HUD activated.
[ SYSTEM ALERT: SCANNING ENTITY... ]
[ TARGET: NON-HUMANOID ]
[ SCARS DETECTED: NONE ]
[ VERDICT: NOT WAIFU MATERIAL ]
[ IGNORING ]
Kaelen's shoulders relaxed.
He lowered his sword slightly.
"Negative."
He looked at Faelan.
"It is wildlife."
Then he studied the clearing.
"Can we flank it?"
Elara stared at him in disbelief.
"You can't flank a Unicorn."
"Why not?"
"Because they're mythical creatures!"
She lowered her voice.
"The legends say they can only be calmed by the touch of a pure maiden."
She looked around.
"We don't have one of those."
Her eyes moved to Faelan.
"I write smut for a living."
Then Oat.
"Faelan is emotionally dead."
Then Oat again.
"And Oat is..."
She hesitated.
"...well, Oat is pure."
Oat smiled.
"But he's a dude."
Brother Oat shrugged.
The Unicorn slowly turned its head.
Its eyes moved across the group.
It looked at Elara.
The Unicorn snorted.
Apparently, she failed the purity test.
It looked at Faelan.
The Elf stared back.
The Unicorn rolled its eyes.
Faelan shrugged.
Then it looked at Oat.
The Unicorn paused.
Its expression seemed to become genuinely confused.
Perhaps it had never encountered a shirtless monk with perfectly sculpted abs before.
Finally, its gaze settled on Kaelen.
Everything changed.
The Unicorn's ears flattened.
Its eyes narrowed.
Kaelen felt a strange chill crawl across his skin.
The creature could sense it.
The lingering residue of the Demon Queen's curse.
The emotional chaos surrounding him.
The recent encounters with Guildmaster Vance and Captain Rilla.
To the Unicorn, Kaelen wasn't simply a man.
He was a walking beacon of weaponized impurity.
The Unicorn reared.
Kaelen's eyes widened.
"Oh."
It screamed.
Then charged.
"It's attacking!"
Elara dove behind Oat.
"We need a maiden!"
She looked at Faelan.
"Quick! Put on this dress!"
She threw something toward him.
Faelan caught it.
He stared down at the dress.
"I am on duty!"
He threw it back.
The Unicorn thundered across the clearing.
Its horn lowered.
Kaelen's instincts took over.
"Brace for impact!"
He didn't see a majestic creature of myth.
He saw cavalry.
A hostile cavalry unit had breached his perimeter.
That was all.
Kaelen dropped his sword.
He wasn't going to kill the local wildlife and give the rangers another reason to arrest them.
Instead, he widened his stance and raised his gauntleted hands.
The Unicorn closed the distance in seconds.
White muscle.
Shining horn.
Hooves tearing up the grass.
Its horn was aimed directly at his chest.
At the last possible moment, Kaelen stepped aside.
His left hand clamped around the spiraled horn.
His right arm wrapped around the creature's neck.
He pivoted.
The Unicorn's momentum did the rest.
Kaelen roared and threw his entire weight into the maneuver.
For one impossible second, a thousand-pound magical horse was airborne.
Then it came down.
KRACK-THOOM!
The Unicorn slammed onto its back.
Dirt and crushed daisies exploded across the clearing.
Silence.
Absolute silence.
The Unicorn lay motionless.
Its legs twitched weakly in the air.
Its eyes rolled back.
A tiny, cartoonish halo of stars seemed to orbit its horn.
Kaelen slowly stood.
He brushed dirt from his kneepads.
Then he scanned the clearing.
"Cavalry charge neutralized."
He looked toward Faelan.
"No casualties."
A pause.
"Ranger, do you need to tag this asset?"
Faelan slowly emerged from behind the tree.
He stared at the unconscious Unicorn.
Then at Kaelen.
Then back at the Unicorn.
"You..."
He struggled to find the words.
"You just suplexed a legendary beast of purity."
Kaelen looked genuinely confused.
"It breached the perimeter."
He retrieved Diplomacy from the grass.
"It did not match my current criteria."
He brushed off the blade.
"It was an unauthorized variable."
Elara was already scribbling furiously.
Her quill snapped in half.
She stared at it.
Then grabbed another.
"The Ironclad wrestles the steed of the gods..."
She paused.
"No. Too heroic."
She began writing again.
"The Ironclad violently rejects purity."
Her eyes lit up.
"Yes."
Kaelen looked at her.
"Don't."
"That sells."
Brother Oat approached the unconscious Unicorn.
He carefully placed a blanket over its body.
Then he placed a small pile of purple berries beside its mouth.
Kaelen stared at him.
"Why?"
Oat smiled.
No explanation came.
Faelan sighed.
He pulled a roll of yellow tape from his backpack.
"What are you doing?"
"Paperwork."
He wrapped the tape around the Unicorn's horn.
Then attached a magical citation ticket.
"Failure to Yield to Pedestrians."
He signed it.
"Let's move before it wakes up and tries to trample us with righteous indignation."
They left the clearing.
As the trees closed behind them, Kaelen felt something he hadn't experienced in days.
Confidence.
The world was still terrifying.
It was filled with enchanted flowers, romantic traps, homicidal wildlife, and a curse that apparently wanted him married before the week was over.
But there was a solution.
Treat everything like a battlefield.
Identify the threat.
Assess the terrain.
Neutralize the threat.
Simple.
Kaelen looked toward Faelan.
"Ranger."
Faelan glanced back.
"What?"
"What is our ETA to Mystara?"
Faelan pointed ahead.
"We're here."
He stepped aside and pulled back a curtain of glowing vines.
Kaelen walked through.
Then stopped.
The entire world opened beneath him.
Mystara stretched across a colossal crater surrounded by towering crystal formations and enormous luminous trees.
White marble towers rose into the sky, their spires catching the sunlight. Glass bridges connected buildings hundreds of feet above the ground, glowing with veins of blue hard-light magic.
Thousands of people moved through the city below.
Mages.
Scholars.
Students.
Merchants.
And, judging by the number of people running into things, clumsy apprentices.
Kaelen stared.
For once, he had no immediate tactical assessment.
Faelan stepped beside him.
"Welcome to Mystara."
He adjusted his backpack.
"The Verdant Academy City."
Kaelen's eyes narrowed.
"How dangerous?"
Faelan gave him a tired smile.
"Ten thousand mages, scholars, apprentices, enchanted buildings, magical experiments, and romance wards."
Kaelen's grip tightened around Diplomacy.
Faelan continued.
"Keep your head on a swivel, Ironclad."
He pointed toward the city.
"The library district is a warzone of dropped books and accidental hand touches."
Kaelen slowly tightened the straps on his armor.
Then he looked at Ignis.
"Ignis."
The golem turned.
"Pressurize the hose to maximum."
"Ready to deploy, Commander."
Kaelen stared down at the sprawling magical city.
'Four days.'
He took a slow breath.
'Just survive four days.'
Somewhere below, a bell rang.
A flock of glowing birds burst from one of the towers.
Then a distant explosion shook the city.
Kaelen stared.
Faelan sighed.
"That was probably the library."
Kaelen raised Diplomacy.
"Move out."
The Crisis Management Team descended toward Mystara.