"You will never let it go."
"I will never let him go," Travis exhales, feeling so tired and old all of a sudden.
"How can I, when he haunts me day and night, every single minute of my life? I found my mate, mated him, and we bonded, despite how young we were. Then I lost him. I got through hell getting him back, and when I finally did, all I was holding was his corpse."
Travis doesn't dare shut his eyes, knowing that the image tattooed behind his retina is his dead mate, burnt body, but still not enough to hide all the torture and pain he had gone through before he finally died. As he was bleeding.
Inside and out.
It doesn't matter if he closes his eyes or not. Even with his eyes wide open, he will never forget nor unsee it, the last time he held him, how he looked, and how it's a recurring nightmare every time he draws breath.
It's his death anniversary today.
The day he failed to save his mate, the day he lost everything. There is nothing else he lives for. Every part of him-no, every good part of him died that cursed day. All that he is left of is a shell. Walking, talking, but a dead shell.
He can't remember the last time he felt warmth, saw color, or even remembered what it felt like to be alive. Tonight is going to be harder. Every year, for five years now, exactly a day like today, he relives it all.
From the moment he first saw his mate, to the way they pup bonded, all the memories, growing up, innocent love evolving to something more. How life was then, how it felt to be with him. Look at him, listen to his giggles.
Just watch him as he drew, danced, laughed …. Lived.
His being alive, existing in the same life as him.
He will go through how they mated again. The peak moment when the bond snapped inside them, tying them together forever. The celebration they held … how they opted not to include others, choosing to hold that part of them; the love, the joy, and sacredness of the moment just to them.
He will relive the talk of how they decided to wait until he was of age, how Travis and his alpha all felt so protective and agreed to treasure and wait for their mate, no matter what.
How Travis' parents welcomed them after three days of the two being in the woods, solidifying the bond, being in their animal form, loving each other, feeling it all to the very last nerve.
Feeling like nothing would ever touch the pure love that flowed in their veins, because that's how they felt together; pure.
Nothing would have ever touched them; Travis had believed.
Until it all came crashing down, two days later, after they went home.
"I am sorry." Liam shakes his head, forcing Travis to snap out of his memories. "I don't know what it is like to have a mate, and I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I wish I were there. I know you still blame yourself for not trying harder. You were young."
"I wasn't strong enough, not fast enough," Travis stands up and walks over to the glass wall, looking at the dark skyline of the city. "I wasn't there when he needed me. I felt him calling for me. Through it all. But then, he stopped begging and crying. He was so afraid the whole time I was looking for him, and-"
Travis closes his eyes, head bowed. He can still remember every single emotion and moment of that day. How his mate was crying for him, begging for him, and finally ….
"he stopped being afraid," Travis turns to look at his best friend. This is the first time they are talking about it like this. Travis has never told anyone what was going on during the darkest days of his life. But today, he feels different.
Like he is finally breaking.
He wants it to break. Maybe he will finally die of a broken heart and join his mate in the stardust.
"he stopped being afraid and crying, and I remember thinking, that was the worst thing," Travis shakes his head, looking back at the view outside, brows furrowed. "he started making me feel how much he loved me. How he wished for me to survive, to run away from the horrible people he was with. He told me he loved me, seconds before it snapped."
"Travis," Liam says, standing up slowly. Approaching his best friend cautiously.
"Before I felt him die, I felt his love. The pain was there, but in those last seconds, I felt nothing but his love for me." Travis bites his lip hard, almost drawing blood, to stop from smashing his fist through the glass pane. "I wish I didn't feel it."
Or remember those last words that he told him. he will never forget them, holding onto them, hoping … even after all that he saw …. Even after all this time ….
"You don't mean that," Liam is standing next to him now, at an arm's length. "he wanted you to remember him like that. He wanted you to know that your love won, even with all the hell he was going through."
"I know what he wanted," Travis 'gaze hardens. "he wanted me to live and run away. To survive."
"Yeah. He always wanted what was best for you."
"he only managed to convince me to burn them all down as they did him. I was never going to run and hide; he should have known that I would never leave him. ever." Travis has done nothing but focus on the anger ever since he mourned his mate's death.
This cold, dead, ocean of anger, hatred, and emptiness. A black void.
He once thought he would die of a broken heart. The first year, his parents thought he was going to die. They watched him, waiting for him to finally die, and Travis was, too. He didn't want to live in a world where his mate was dead.
No.
But just as he was right on the edge, he was yanked back. His wolf kept him from that edge every single time, despite it mourning and dying too, like he was, slowly.
His wolf didn't understand why he kept them both alive; he never has ever gotten that answer, even now.
Either way, they both died that time; the only thing remaining is the lifeline that keeps him tethered here on this earth.
"You know that's not true," Liam reaches for his friend's arm. "You know it."
Travis doesn't say anything, exhaling as his cold demeanor slips back on, his back straightening as he pockets his hands in slacks, looking at the dark view. Liam notices the shift and knows that the moment has passed. The vulnerable Travis is gone. He retreats his arm, shifting to his feet as he looks at his friend.
"What are you going to do about this marriage thing?"
"What I do best," Travis says. "I am going to show them once again that I am not a puppet, and if they can survive without me, then good. But I won't dance along to their tune."
"You are cutting them off?" Liam's eyebrows shoot to his hairline.
"As the head of the family, there are certain privileges that they can live without. If they want to pressure me, then perhaps I can start asking them to fulfil their responsibilities on things, and not coddling them."
Travis knew where to hit to make it hurt. His brothers and sisters were all innocent in this. Well, his little sister was innocent, while his two younger brothers and older sister were not so much. They want him mated, busy with the new life, so that he won't keep an eye on them.
He wouldn't be surprised if they had been talking with grandmother, encouraging her. Not that the woman needs encouragement, she is a force all by herself. But something tells Travis that his siblings are adding fuel to the already roaring fire.
Time to correct that.
His phone starts vibrating on the desk, and he walks over, picks it up, and sees it's his sister.
[I know you are coming over this evening]
[So bring me some cakes from the bakery we went to last time.]
[I mean it, T, if you don't come in with that little pink bag, I WILL throttle you this time!]
[Love ya bunches!]
Travis throws the phone back on the desk, and Liam sees the conversation, which makes him laugh.
"Is that our cue to start moving?"
"She can wait for a few more hours. I am not enabling her bad behavior," Travis grumbles.
"She has a sweet tooth, it's not a bad behavior."
"The bad behavior is thinking she can order me around. She can send her driver to pick it up if she is that pressed."
"Ah, siblings," Liam sighs. "I wonder what my brother is up to."
"Are you coming to dinner?" Travis asks Liam as he grabs his coat from the hanger and puts it on.
"Sure," he shrugs. "I miss your mom and your sister, too. Your dad was supposed to show me how to fish."
"You know how to fish," Travis deadpans.
"Your dad doesn't know this, and I would prefer if he didn't. I want to go fishing with the man, okay?"
"Is that an excuse to feel coddled?"
"I am a starved child, let me have this, okay?"
They are getting inside Travis' car- a phantom- already pulling out of the parking as Liam looks at Travis.
"Seriously, let's get your sister those sweets. I want one too."
"Ah, I was wondering how she got hooked on the damned things."
"It's not my fault that your sister loves me more and wants me to take her out every time I am in town."
"Whatever," Travis maneuvers the car to the road. "What's the address?"