In the criminal justice system, narrative offenses are considered especially heinous. In New Seattle, the dedicated detectives who investigate these plot holes are members of an elite squad known as the Void Victims Unit. These are their stories.
DUN-DUN.
Elara Vance blinked. She was standing in a courtroom. Not the metaphysical courtroom of The Publisher, but a gritty, wood-paneled, bad-lighting courtroom that smelled of floor wax and injustice.
She looked down. She was wearing a sharp grey suit. A badge on her belt read DISTRICT ATTORNEY.
"Order!" a voice boomed from the bench. "I demand order! And fries! But mostly order!"
Elara looked up. Sitting at the judge's bench, wearing a massive black robe that barely contained his bulk, was The Honorable Judge Ignis.
"Judge," Elara said. "Please don't eat the gavel."
Ignis paused, the wooden mallet halfway to his mouth. "It looks like a pretzel stick. A very hard, mahogany pretzel stick."
"It represents the law," Elara sighed.
"Then the law is crunchy," Ignis grumbled, putting it down.
"Docket Number 505," Jen announced. She was the Court Clerk, sitting next to Ignis with a stenographer's machine. "The Case of The People vs. Gary the NPC."
"The charge?" Ignis asked.
"Grand Theft Plot Armor," Jen read.
"Bring in the accused!" Ignis roared. "And bring in the lunch menu!"
The double doors swung open.
Detective Li Wusheng marched in. He wore a rumpled trench coat, a loose tie, and sunglasses (indoors). He was shoving a handcuffed man ahead of him.
"Move it, dirtbag," Li growled. "You have the right to remain silent. If you give up that right, I will punch you with the Iron Palm of Justice."
The defendant, Gary, was a generic background character. He wore a beige tunic and had a face so forgettable that Elara had to squint to remember he was there.
"I didn't do it!" Gary wailed. "I'm just a Merchant! I sell potions! I don't steal plot armor!"
"Save it for the jury," Li spat, shoving Gary into the defendant's chair.
"Who is representing the dirtbag?" Ignis asked.
"I am!" a voice declared from the back of the room.
Aldren Vance swept down the aisle. He was wearing a tuxedo, but over it, he wore a powdered white wig that was three feet tall.
"I am the Defense," Aldren announced, swirling his cape. "And I intend to prove that my client is a victim of... Society."
"Aldren," Elara rubbed her temples. "Why are you wearing a wig?"
"It is traditional!" Aldren hissed. "I am channeling the spirit of 18th-century jurisprudence! Also, it hides my vampire ears. The jury might be prejudiced against the undead."
"There is no jury," Elara pointed out. "Just cardboard cutouts."
She pointed to the jury box. It was filled with twelve identical cardboard standees of a stock photo man giving a thumbs up.
"They look impartial," Aldren nodded. "Proceed."
The Opening Statements
Barry Bannington's voice whispered in Elara's earpiece. "Okay, Elara. You're the hard-nosed D.A. You care about the law, but you have a secret soft spot for justice. Go!"
Elara stood up. She walked to the center of the room.
"Ladies and Gentlemen of the... cardboard," Elara began. "Gary the NPC is accused of a terrible crime. He stole the Plot Armor from our victim, Sir Chad the Paladin. Without that armor, Sir Chad... took damage."
GASP. (A sound effect played from the ceiling).
"Sir Chad is currently in the ICU," Elara continued. "Suffering from a severe case of 'Consequences'. We intend to prove that Gary stole the armor to survive a cutscene he wasn't supposed to be in."
"Objection!" Aldren shouted, slamming his hand on the table.
"On what grounds?" Ignis asked, eyeing the gavel again.
"On the grounds of... Vibes!" Aldren declared. "My client has 'Main Character Energy'. Look at his chin! It is weak! He could never survive a plot twist!"
"Overruled," Ignis said. "I don't know what vibes are. But I know I am hungry. Prosecution, call your first witness."
The Witness
"I call Detective Li Wusheng to the stand," Elara said.
Li marched to the witness box. He didn't sit. He stood, putting one leg up on the railing.
"Detective," Elara said. "Tell us what you found at the crime scene."
"It was a bloodbath," Li said grimly. "Or rather... a Pixel-Bath. Sir Chad was fighting a Level 1 Slime. Usually, a Paladin takes zero damage from a slime. But this time... he scraped his knee."
"A scraped knee?" Ignis gasped. "The horror."
"He bled," Li nodded. "Actual red blood. Not HP particles. It was disgusting. I investigated the scene. I found... this."
Li pulled an evidence bag out of his coat. Inside was a glowing, golden aura in a jar.
"This is a fragment of Plot Armor," Li explained. "I found it... in Gary's inventory."
"Lies!" Gary shouted. "I bought that off a loot box! It's a cosmetic item!"
"Silence!" Li roared. He punched the witness stand. It shattered. "I traced the serial number! It belongs to Sir Chad! You stripped his invincibility so you could survive the Village Fire event!"
"I didn't want to die!" Gary sobbed. "I'm an NPC! I have 5 HP! If I trip, I die! Sir Chad has 5,000 HP! He didn't need the armor!"
"Aha!" Elara pointed. "A confession! He admits he took it!"
"Objection!" Aldren leaped onto the table. "My client was acting in self-defense! Is it a crime to want to live? Is it a crime to defy the narrative that says NPCs are cannon fodder?"
Aldren turned to the cardboard jury.
"Look at Gary," Aldren whispered, tears streaming down his face (on command). "He has dreams. He wants to open a franchise. He wants to sell High Potions, not just Regular Potions. But the system... the Plot... keeps him down."
One of the cardboard cutouts fell over.
"See?" Aldren gestured. "The juror has fainted from the emotional weight of my argument!"
"He fell over because you stomped on the table," Elara said.
"Judge!" Aldren turned to Ignis. "I move for a dismissal!"
Ignis looked at the jar of Plot Armor.
"Is the armor edible?" Ignis asked.
"No," Li said. "It is made of pure narrative convenience."
"Then I sustain the objection," Ignis banged the gavel. "Let's get to the cross-examination. I have a dinner reservation at 6:00."
The Twist
"I call the victim," Aldren announced. "Sir Chad the Paladin."
The doors opened. Sir Chad was wheeled in. He was a massive man in shining armor, but he had a small Band-Aid on his knee.
"The pain," Chad moaned. "The agony. I... I felt something."
"Sir Chad," Aldren approached the wheelchair. "You claim Gary stole your Plot Armor. But isn't it true... that your subscription expired?"
DUN-DUN.
The courtroom froze.
"What?" Chad stammered. "I... I am a Premium User!"
"Jen!" Aldren shouted. "Read the logs!"
Jen typed furiously on her stenographer machine.
"According to the server logs," Jen read. "Sir Chad's 'Hero Tier' subscription lapsed on Tuesday. His credit card declined."
"GASP!" The audience (which was now just Barry Bannington eating popcorn) gasped.
"So!" Aldren pointed a finger. "You lost your Plot Armor because you were broke! And you framed poor Gary to cover your shame!"
"I spent all my money on skins!" Chad wept. "I needed the limited edition horse armor! I didn't think I'd take damage from a slime!"
"Fraud!" Ignis roared. "Deception! This court is mocked!"
"Wait," Li Wusheng narrowed his eyes. "If Chad lost his armor naturally... then where did the armor in Gary's inventory come from?"
Li looked at the jar. He activated his Streamer Vision.
"Wait a minute," Li muttered. "This isn't Plot Armor."
Li punched the jar. It broke.
The golden aura dissolved. It smelled like... vanilla.
"It's a glaze," Li realized. "It's a donut glaze."
"Gary!" Li slammed his hands on the defense table. "Why do you have a jar of donut glaze?"
"I told you!" Gary cried. "I want to open a franchise! I was experimenting with pastries!"
"So there was no crime?" Elara asked, confused. "Chad just forgot to pay his bill, and Gary is a baker?"
"This case is a waste of time!" Ignis shouted. He grabbed the gavel. "I find the defendant... delicious! I mean, innocent!"
He bit the gavel.
CRUNCH.
"Wood," Ignis spit out splinters. "Dry. fibrous. I hold the court in contempt for lack of seasoning!"
The Ratings Crisis
"CUT!" Barry Bannington yelled, running into the courtroom.
"That was terrible!" Barry screamed. "Where was the twist? Where was the shocking betrayal? It was just a billing error and a donut!"
"It's a Procedural," Elara shrugged. "Sometimes the answer is just bureaucracy."
"The network hates it!" Barry showed them the tablet. [VIEWERSHIP DROPPING]. "They're changing the channel! We're losing the demographic to The Real Housewives of the Void!"
"We solved the case," Li argued. "Justice was served."
"Justice is boring!" Barry tore his hair out. "We need a Season Finale! Something big! Something explosive!"
Suddenly, the courtroom began to shake. The wood panels fell away, revealing the white void outside.
"What is happening?" Aldren asked, holding onto his wig. "Is this a cliffhanger?"
"No," Barry whispered, his face turning pale. "It's a Cancellation."
A giant red eraser appeared in the sky. It began to rub out the horizon.
"The network is pulling the plug!" Barry screamed. "We didn't hit the metrics! They're scrubbing the timeline!"
"Run!" Elara yelled. "To the van!"
"We don't have the van!" Jen reminded her. "We're in a courtroom set!"
"To the Judge's Chambers!" Ignis shouted. "There must be a back door!"
They ran behind the bench. Ignis kicked the door open.
It didn't lead to chambers. It led to a swirling vortex of static.
"It's the Syndication Void," Barry gasped. "If we fall in there, we end up in reruns forever! We'll be forced to repeat the same lines for eternity!"
"I refuse to be a rerun!" Aldren shouted. "I am original content!"
"We need a new genre!" Elara grabbed Barry by the lapels. "Switch us! Pivot! Pivot to anything!"
"I can't!" Barry cried. "The budget is zero! I can only afford a... a..."
He looked at the eraser closing in.
"A Clip Show!" Barry yelled.
"NO!" The whole team screamed.
"It's the only way to save the budget!" Barry hit a button on his remote.
FLASH.
The Clip Show
They were sitting on a couch. A beige, lumpy couch in a generic living room.
"Hey guys," Elara said, her voice sounding forced and cheerful. "Remember that time we fought the Ikea Monster?"
"I sure do," Li Wusheng said stiffly. "That was crazy."
The air rippled. A screen appeared, playing a clip of Chapter 58.
(Li punching the furniture. "Ow! It is solid particle board!")
The clip ended.
"Good times," Aldren said, staring dead-eyed at the camera. "And remember when I was a vegan vampire?"
Clip plays: (Aldren eating a salad. "I crave... flax seeds!")
"Ha ha," Ignis laughed robotically. "We have had so many adventures."
"Stop it!" Elara stood up. "I can't do this! This is the lowest form of storytelling!"
"We have to!" Barry hissed from behind the camera. "We have to fill 22 minutes to finish the contract! Just reminisce for five more minutes!"
"No," Elara said. She looked at the red eraser in the sky, which was pausing, confused by the sudden shift to low-budget content.
"We're not ending on a Clip Show," Elara said. "If we're going to get cancelled... we're going out with a bang."
She looked at her team.
"Li. Can you still access the Admin Controls on your phone?"
"Only locally," Li said. "Why?"
"Aldren. Can you monologue so hard it breaks the fourth wall?"
"I was born for it."
"Ignis. Are you still hungry?"
"Always."
"Barry," Elara turned to the producer. "Who runs the network?"
"What?" Barry blinked. "The Network Executives. They live in the Boardroom in the Sky."
"We're going there," Elara said. "We're going to pitch a new show."
"What show?"
Elara grabbed the camera lens. She stared directly into the soul of the audience.
"The Cancellation of the Network."
She smashed the camera.
CRACK.
The living room set dissolved. The "Clip Show" frame shattered.
They were standing back on the roof of the Meow & Bow, drifting in the void. Above them, the giant Red Eraser hovered, unsure what to delete.
"Start the Typewriter," Elara commanded. "We're going to fight the Executives."