Ryan barely registered where he was going. He just kept moving in quick, rough steps. Each step echoed in the nearly empty hall and stretched across the rows of shelves, chest pounding without stop as he passed by, and nearly bumping into people without looking back. He couldn't.
All he wanted at that moment was to be anywhere Adrian wasn't. He was scared he would remember more than he already had. Scared that much more had happened that night. Scared that staying anywhere near Adrian would trigger whatever memories were still buried.
At the far end of the main hall, just near the entrance, he spotted the restroom tucked behind a partition. With relief hitting him like a shot of adrenaline, he swerved toward it, and slipped inside without slowing down.
The quiet there was different. It felt enclosed and heavy. He could hear his own ragged breathing as he rushed into the nearest stall, his knees giving out as soon as he was inside. Shoving the door shut, he turned and slumped onto the seat.
A long, shaky breath tore out of him, like he was trying to empty everything he'd been holding in, but that didn't seem to help. He bent forward, elbows braced on his thighs, and his small palms burying his face as he tried to getting himself to calm down. But his breaths stayed fast and sharp, like his lungs were trying to fight against him, and those thoughts just wouldn't stop flooding his mind.
Even though he had told himself he wanted not to remember more, there were things he still needed to know. Details he felt he had to piece together to understand what was tugging at his chest. Whether it was guilt or unease, he couldn't tell.
He knew he had rambled that night. He knew he said a lot of things he hadn't meant to. But what happened after that?
There were flashes. Flashes of Adrian above him surfacing again and again, along with the way it made him feel. But between that memory and the one in the car, there was a gap. A blank space that refused to fill itself.
He needed to know what led to them almost having sex. Why did it happen? Did he make the first move, or was it Adrian? What has transpired between the car and that moment of intimacy?
"Why isn't it coming?" he cried softly, muttering through clenched teeth, his hands raking through his hair.
Then something struck him, a sudden realization dragging him back to reality.
His assignment.
He checked the time on his wrist watch. 9:33. His lecture was by 10:00, which meant he had maybe ten or fifteen minutes, which was barely enough time. Three minutes, if he was being honest, to grab his assignment and do something with it.
He pushed himself off the stall and went to a nearby sink, washing his hands while trying to figure out how to get back into the library, retrieve his work, and finish it without sprinting off again... in the presence of Adrian.
He lifted his head towards the mirror, catching a glimpse of his not-so-good reflection. Beads of sweat ran down his face despite the cool weather, like he had been running a marathon. He adjusted his clothes, straightened, and muttered to himself, "I've got this. I'm going back there, and I'm getting my assignment. Whether Adrian is still there or not."
Then his reflection seemed to answer back. "But what if you see him and run again because you're scared to own up to what you did?"
He pressed his lip. "I'm going regardless," he stated firmly, to his reflection as though it were another personality. "I'm going to shut my brain off. I'll try not to remember anything else."
He repeated it silently, over and over, like a chant meant to protect him or something.
After another heavy sigh, he turned and walked quietly toward the door, then stopped short, as if forgetting every reassurance he'd just given himself. He stood there, careful not to be seen, and peered out to check if Adrian was still around.
The distance from the restroom to the seating area was quite far, but his eyesight was good enough. He scanned the room and spotted Adrian standing slightly away from his seat. It looked like he'd waited for a while before finally getting up to leave.
Ryan waited until he was sure Adrian was completely nowhere in view. Only then did he dash out, grab his assignment, and bolt.
In a flash, he was out of the library and heading for a nearby lawn to finish his work, his chest tight with the fear that Adrian might walk back in at any moment.
Ryan managed to finish the assignment two minutes before lecture time. He packed up quickly and rushed toward the lecture hall, hoping the lecturer hadn't arrived yet. When he got there, he let out a long sigh of relief cause the lecturer was running late too.
He looked around for Ethan, who wasn't anywhere in sight too. With no reason to linger, he headed for a seat at the back and dropped into it.
For someone whose grades were falling, he oddly preferred the back rows. You'd think the front would help him hear better, focus more, or actually understand what the lecturer was saying. It used to, cause during his first days in school, the front seat had been his favorite spot. But after a few late arrivals that forced him to settle for a backseat, he realized there wasn't much difference in either of them. Front or back, the information still came and went the same way.
"Hey, man!" Ethan called out, tapping his shoulder.
Ryan tipped his head toward him in acknowledgment as
Ethan slid into the seat beside him. "Why's the lecturer not here yet?"
"Don't know," Ryan shrugged, proceeding to open his notebook.
After a while, the class rep stepped up to the podium in front of the hall and raised a hand to signal for their attention. "The lecturer won't be coming today due to health-related issues. He wants you all to know it's something quite serious, but he'll try to resume duties by next..."
"What of the assignment?!" someone yelled from a corner, cutting him off.
An irritated fake smile flashed across his face. "We'll submit it whenever the lecturer gets back. Okay, so… um before you all make your way out, another topic needs to be addressed." He paused before continuing, "The program coordinator has advised that we start applying for club activities as soon as possible. We were meant to do this at the beginning of the semester, but the rule was changed this session as we were given the first half to adjust to other school activities, and now the second half is for club enrollment. It's not mandatory, but..."
He went on and on about how joining a club would benefit everyone academically and socially. While Ethan listened with interest, nodding along now and then,
Ryan didn't. He was focused on his notebook, scribbling and circling the same words over and over.
Guilty.
Not guilt.
Did I initiate it?
Was it an accident?
No matter how hard he tried to push it away, his thoughts kept drifting back to the memories he'd recovered earlier, looping and refusing to stay quiet.
"But what if I initiated it? What if it wasn't an accident? But it should be an accident since I was drunk last night, right? And normally, in situations like this, I have to take responsibility, right?" He bit his fingers as the thoughts twisted deeper in his mind.
"And how do I even approach him? Like what if the incident had enraged him? Did that ruin any chance I had at getting him as a tutor? Is that why he approached me at the library… and that question…" Suddenly, he remembered something. "Oh yeah, there was a question he asked. What was it? Was it connected to the incident? I'm fuck doomed!" He cried internally, resting his head on the desk and staring blankly at Ethan, who was still fixated on whatever was happening.
He lifted his head just in time to see the class rep at the podium, now standing and watching as the fliers distributed amongst themselves. "It's for the club fair happening in like two weeks. At the back, you'll see the list of clubs, however, not all clubs are listed there since some aren't open to everyone due to specific guidelines. You can research the clubs that interest you and register officially at the fair or after the fair at their respective club rooms," the rep concluded and walked back to his seat at the front.
"Which one are you joining?" Ethan asked, nudging Ryan, his eyes still fixed on the flyer.
"I don't know. I'll figure it out when the day eventually comes," Ryan muttered half-mindedly, scrolling through his phone.
There were lots of missed calls, some from unknown numbers, one from his older sister, plus unread messages he hadn't bothered to check all day. He opened the messaging app.
"You might not even attend the club fair. Isn't it better to just..."
"Arghhh!" The scream escaped his lips before he could stop it, his phone dropping on the desk as he jerked upright, hands flying to cover his mouth. And causing Ethan to jump slightly at the sudden noise.
The text message on the screen was from Adrian.
The tutoring proposal's been accepted.
Just that. It was a short, simple sentence, but enough to send a thrill down Ryan's body.
"Wh… What's it?" Ethan blinked at Ryan, who couldn't contain his excitement.
"Adrian accepted," he replied, breathing slowly, his voice steadier now. He handed the phone to Ethan.
"He accepted what?" Ethan looked into the phone, eyes widening in a mix of excitement and confusion. "The tutorial? Adrian accepted the tutorial?"
They both let out a loud, giddy scream, completely ignoring the curious stares of half the students in the hall, wondering what the fuck was wrong with them.