The next day, Amelia and I sat facing each other on a blanket in the park near her house. She took fruit and sandwiches out of her bag — How long have you been seeing him? — I ask, staring at her. She stops eating and looks at me — I want to know how long I've been a fool.
— It's not the way you think. We didn't like each other from the beginning, him and me…
— So you do like him? — I ask, trying to convince myself I hadn't heard right — Since when, Amelia?
— At first, he approached me. He said he wanted to do something big for your birthday — she says — I believed him because I know you two are very close, and it would be a surprise for you if we finally got along — I smile with a wry sigh. They used making me happy as an excuse to see each other and ended up doing the exact opposite — We went to car dealerships several times to buy you a new car — she says.
— How long ago was this? — I insist.
— Almost two months — she says. I look up at the sky and take a deep breath — It didn't take me long to realize that Adrián kept putting off buying the car to go out for food or other things. Suddenly, we were seeing each other more often than I spent time with you, and I felt guilty, but I didn't think it was anything serious until that day at the pool when he kissed me — she says, waiting for me to reply. When I don't, she says, — I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you.
Now that I think about it, every time they argued or teased each other, they seemed like a couple. I can't believe how foolish I was. Me, trying to win against someone like Adrián? A man who stands out from the crowd because of his looks. It's like I tried to anticipate something inevitable — Now you expect me to give you permission? — I ask when I hear her apologize.
– What happened between Adrián and me was nothing more than a mistake — she says — I'd like to know if you can forgive me.
— Could you forget about him? — I ask, but for some reason, it feels like it's something I want to answer myself.
— I want to be with you, and that's all that matters to me — she says, taking my hand.
After that conversation with Amelia, the last thing I want to do is talk to Adrián, but I can't ignore him forever. One night, while I'm cooking dinner, he comes in through the patio door. — You've stopped avoiding me — he says.
— You're free to be with her — I say as I serve my food — It depends on whether Amelia wants to be with you, but don't worry about it. There's no friendship left that you can lose — I say, clearing my plate and heading back to my room.
— That was never my goal.
— I trusted you, and you tricked her into giving me away. Congratulations, you've proven you can have everyone in your hands.
— Do you think it didn't hurt me to see you suffer over her when you thought she was with someone else? — Adrián says — I wanted you to get closer to me, to realize the feelings I have for you.
— I've heard enough nonsense for today — I start to go down the stairs, but Adrián follows me.
— Didn't you feel anything when we kissed? — He stops me, grabbing my arm.
— You'll make me throw away my food, you idiot! — I say, trying to ignore his words.
— Farley — he says behind me as I head to my room — Ishikawa, please — he says, taking my arm again.
— Do you want me to keep avoiding you? — I say, turning to look at him. His eyes glisten, and he looks down as a tear spills over his cheek. His expression makes me feel callous, but I'm too hurt to even consider it.
|°|°|°| Weeks Later |°|°|°|
I pick up my suit from the tailor and head to the airport to meet my mom. She hugs me and kisses my cheeks like when I was a little boy — Mom, stop it! — I say, laughing, and she hugs me again.
— I've missed you so much, my son — she says — I'm so proud of you.
— Thanks, Mom — I say — And where is Katashi-san? — I ask, noticing my stepfather isn't here.
— He's very busy with work — she says — He's also very happy that you're graduating.
— Let me help you with your luggage — I say, taking her suitcase. — We'll be staying in a hotel until after graduation.
— Weren't you sharing an apartment with Adrián? — my mom asks as we get into the taxi. I was hoping she wouldn't ask about him because she'd been quiet the whole way out of the airport.
— I just want you to be comfortable, Mom.
— Don't waste your money on a hotel. I'm only staying for the weekend — she says.
When we arrived at the dorms, Adrian greeted my mom with a big hug, and they started talking about the new fragrance business she was working on. She even sat with us in the basement living room and gave us some samples of scented oils they produce directly from certain flowers. — It smells wonderful, Mrs. Nishimura — Adrian says with a smile and stands up — Please, let me help you with your luggage.
— No, don't worry — I say — She'll sleep in my room; I'll help her.
— Okay, then I'll order something to eat — Adrian says and goes upstairs to the kitchen.
— What's wrong? — My mom asks.
— Nothing, just come with me — I say, grabbing her suitcase and dragging it to my room.
— I remember you two chatting away all vacation, and now you can barely look at each other — she says — Is there something wrong between you two?
I don't know how to describe my feelings these past few weeks. I still remember the way he took my face in his hands and kissed me like it was his own. The same way I kissed Amelia so many times. Sometimes I think about kissing him back, but how am I sure he was telling me the truth, that he's not treating me like an experiment? And even if that were the case, I hadn't considered being in a relationship with a man before, but I keep thinking about how much I enjoyed sleeping with Amelia. Does that mean I'm bisexual?
I dodged my mom's question and continued changing the bed sheets.
|°|°|°|
When the food arrives, we sit down to eat in the living room. — I still remember when I graduated from university; it's so exciting! — Mom says — Adrian, your father must be so proud of you.
— Yes — he says, nodding slightly.
— So you'll start working at the construction company after the summer, right? — she asks — Young people have more opportunities these days.
— That's true — Adrian says.
— Yūko also got a great opportunity in Japan — Mom says. She uses my Japanese name to emphasize that I won't be returning to London — I hope you'll visit us soon when you're both on vacation.
— Mom, please eat — I say — The food's getting cold.
Adrián looks at me for a moment and then returns his gaze to his plate without saying anything.
— Mrs. Nishimura, would you like to play chess? — Adrián asks as he helps me clear the table after dinner.
— No, I'm very tired. In Japan, it must be bedtime by now. Don't stay up too late — she says, standing up.
— Okay, Mom, get some rest — I say.
— Sleep well — Adrián ads.
— I can clean by myself — I say to him — Go to sleep.
— Yûko? — Adrián asks — You never told me why they call you that.
— My grandparents wanted a name that meant gentleness. It's like a middle name — I say — Well, I'll sleep on the sofa. I can finish tidying up.
— Are you really leaving? — he asks.
— I've thought about it a lot, and I think it's best if we keep our distance — I say — I'm still seeing Amelia, and I think it would be awkward for everyone.
— I think I was wrong. Maybe I convinced myself that you looked at me differently — he says — This isn't the first time I've liked a man.
— I thought gay men had higher standards — I say with a smile to ease the tension.
— Well, you can't blame me. I wish you could see yourself when you smile like that — he says, his smile mirroring mine. He finishes throwing the disposable plates in the bag and holds out his hand.
— What happened to all the girls after you? — I ask, taking the trash bag.
— Hey, I like them too — he says. After a short silence, I decide to go upstairs to throw the bag away, and Adrián says — I thought you'd never talk to me again.
— You're still my friend — I say, and I go upstairs.